Depressed husband had an EA

[bc83]

Hi folks,

Any advice on this? Last month my husband of 20 years had a brief (like 2 days) EA before telling me about it, and then shut down all communication with her at my insistence. We've had serious non-communication issues for years but both have felt that the basic bonds of our marriage were strong, until this EA.

 

We are back to seeing our MC now because of the EA. H now says he isn't sure if he wants to do the work to repair the marriage, not sure what he wants in general, not sure he can commit to me, etc. He does say he's sorry about the EA. I think he has many signs of depression (he has been on a low level AD for years but I don't think it's enough). He tells me he's fine when all evidence says he's not (attitude/demeanor/motivation/etc.).

 

He avoids "emotional" discussions because he's afraid to tell me what he really thinks/feels, as his mother was a super-controlling hothead who would yell and throw things if told something she didn't like, and he fears I'll behave similarly enough. His dad is an emotional cripple afraid to stand up for himself in any way, as far back as I've known him, and he and my H walked on eggshells for years around her, so that's the role model of H's early years. (I do get upset but don't yell or throw things - just say things back in the heat of the moment that he doesn't want to hear - even if I say it in the "I statement" manner.)

 

Maybe this is mostly a mid-life crisis thing but I'm ready to leave since I feel like I can't tell him much or ask too much as he withdraws even more. Over the last three years we've been through all of the communication workshops and read all the books so we know how to communicate, we just don't.

 

I've told him I'm 100% committed to working on the relationship, but that he needs to be committed as well. Passivity on his part isn't working at all for us, but I think he's just too down in the dumps to care.

 

The passivity has been an issue for a long time - this EA has opened my eyes to seeing that I'm really frustrated with his lack of trying to improve things. We'd actually been doing quite well in the weeks leading up to his EA - which is worse in a way since I can't even anticipate that he may be willing to go outside the marriage for something if we're doing well at the time! I've been experiencing anxiety/panic attacks for several weeks now.

 

I know I'm rambling - just looking for some insight from others. Thoughts?

 

Thanks!

[whichwayisup]

He need to go talk to someone, get his meds straightened out so he feels better. Until he's out of that realm, enough to decide with a more clear head if he wants to work with you on the marriage or separate.

 

20+ years shouldn't be thrown away without giving it your best. I hope he figures that out before it's too late.

[hoping2heal]

Firstly, I do not see how anyone can have an EA in 2 days. That makes no sense to me. You could have physical affair in 2 days. How do you possibly build a close emotional bond with another person in 2 days? I do not see how that is possible, so either he is defining an "EA" as something it is not - which may still of been inappropriate but not an actual "EA" or he is not being honest with you. If it only took 2 days to build emotional connections, well wouldn't we all be a happy and fulfilled bunch.

[bc83]

Hoping2heal - maybe a bit more of an explanation is due, and thank you for making that clear.

 

I call what happened an EA because in my mind it was an infidelity of the emotional kind: he met someone, was very attracted to her (and told me about this), contacted a mutual friend for her number, spent hours on FB with her in the middle of the night, and met her for happy hour. The FB and happy hour part happened over a two day span of time, while I was away on a business trip. So the tipping point in my mind was arranging the meeting for happy hour, which then happened before picking me up at the airport. He told me about the happy hour later that night.

 

He says he felt alive during this time, more social, than usual. Total number of days was six, from meeting her to telling me about what happened.

 

Does this help make more sense of my post?

[bc83]

He need to go talk to someone, get his meds straightened out so he feels better. Until he's out of that realm, enough to decide with a more clear head if he wants to work with you on the marriage or separate.

 

20+ years shouldn't be thrown away without giving it your best. I hope he figures that out before it's too late.

 

 

Thanks - me too! I just don't know how long I want to wait for him to deicide it's worth giving it his best shot. We're highschool sweethearts with so much history and love it's heartbreaking to contemplate separation but my boundaries are getting too trampled on right now.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks - me too! I just don't know how long I want to wait for him to deicide it's worth giving it his best shot. We're highschool sweethearts with so much history and love it's heartbreaking to contemplate separation but my boundaries are getting too trampled on right now.

 

Allow him time to try to work through this depression. Try to support him through it but don't enable his behaviour. See how it goes and when combo of meds and therapy (google cognitive behaviour therapy) makes him feel better, stabilizes him then talk to him about the marriage, where to go from there.

 

He says he felt alive during this time, more social, than usual. Total number of days was six, from meeting her to telling me about what happened.

He suffers from depression and that zing he felt (remember it's about HIM, not you, not the other woman) woke something up inside of him. Read up on depression and what it does, how it warps the mind, unnormal thinking and processing..

 

Be glad he told you! He could have chosen to continue on behind your back. Telling (in his mindset/frame of mind) you was the best thing because he KNOWS it's wrong yet confided in you. Make sense?

[quankanne]

counseling is a good positive step, but it sounds like more is needed, like marriage enrichment. Basically, it's a proactive measure that focuses on how to communicate with each other more successfully. It's something we did 10 years ago and it's made a world of difference in helping my husband see that I'm not a carbon copy of his ex-wives, and that no matter how frustrated we get over things, love is the bedrock of the relationship ...

 

that takes care of things on an interpersonal level, but he's going to need to address the need to do something about getting a better control over the depression, a situation that can lead a person to do things they normally wouldn't do just so they can feel happy or good or even "normal" again.

 

that said, it doesn't sound like this emotional interest in another woman is a typical thing with him, but possibly a way the depression is playing itself out as he tries to get to a "normal" state. Couple that with wanting to bury his head in the sand rather than address the problem ... yeah, I can imagine he honestly believes you're going to blow up at him the way he was used to his mother responding!

[bc83]

Allow him time to try to work through this depression. Try to support him through it but don't enable his behaviour. See how it goes and when combo of meds and therapy (google cognitive behaviour therapy) makes him feel better, stabilizes him then talk to him about the marriage, where to go from there.

 

 

He suffers from depression and that zing he felt (remember it's about HIM, not you, not the other woman) woke something up inside of him. Read up on depression and what it does, how it warps the mind, unnormal thinking and processing..

 

Be glad he told you! He could have chosen to continue on behind your back. Telling (in his mindset/frame of mind) you was the best thing because he KNOWS it's wrong yet confided in you. Make sense?

 

Thanks!

 

Yep - makes perfect sense. But here's one of my questions: how long do I wait? He is resistant to seeing a psych doc. He gets his AD from his GP and I think he's at the point now where he should see a specialist, but H doesn't agree. And my bringing it up makes him more resistant. Arggggh. We have lots of family experience with deep depression - me, one of our kids, his mom and her relatives, including successful suicides by several of her relatives.

 

I'm REALLY grateful he told me. And it is about him, I get that, and I'm actively trying to manage my anxiety to lessen his. (Maybe that's too codependent or whatever, though? But this can't go on forever . . . . hence, my question about waiting . . . .)

[bc83]

counseling is a good positive step, but it sounds like more is needed, like marriage enrichment. Basically, it's a proactive measure that focuses on how to communicate with each other more successfully. It's something we did 10 years ago and it's made a world of difference in helping my husband see that I'm not a carbon copy of his ex-wives, and that no matter how frustrated we get over things, love is the bedrock of the relationship ...

 

that takes care of things on an interpersonal level, but he's going to need to address the need to do something about getting a better control over the depression, a situation that can lead a person to do things they normally wouldn't do just so they can feel happy or good or even "normal" again.

 

that said, it doesn't sound like this emotional interest in another woman is a typical thing with him, but possibly a way the depression is playing itself out as he tries to get to a "normal" state. Couple that with wanting to bury his head in the sand rather than address the problem ... yeah, I can imagine he honestly believes you're going to blow up at him the way he was used to his mother responding!

 

Thank you, too! Such well-reasoned responses. Is marriage enrichment a formal set of classes or therapists, or just marriage communication class? We've done the latter quite a bit over the last 3 years.

[Spark1111]

Thanks!

 

Yep - makes perfect sense. But here's one of my questions: how long do I wait? He is resistant to seeing a psych doc. He gets his AD from his GP and I think he's at the point now where he should see a specialist, but H doesn't agree. And my bringing it up makes him more resistant. Arggggh. We have lots of family experience with deep depression - me, one of our kids, his mom and her relatives, including successful suicides by several of her relatives.

 

I'm REALLY grateful he told me. And it is about him, I get that, and I'm actively trying to manage my anxiety to lessen his. (Maybe that's too codependent or whatever, though? But this can't go on forever . . . . hence, my question about waiting . . . .)

 

I think you should tell him exactly how you feel as you have us!

 

I, too, am married to a man who has experienced depression and a long-term affair.

 

It opened my eyes to the relationship I wanted and was willing to have with him.

 

NO MORE feeling sorry for him. It enables the depression to go on for years and years because there is no consequences to the behavior and I grow weary and unahppy.

 

Set a timeline of one year. Tell him if he does not manage his depression and become a fully engaged and giving partner to the marriage, you will move on.

 

Stick to your guns on this. HE has to do this for himself!

 

Because if he does not, are you willing to wait five, ten, twenty years for a change in the relationship? In him?

[quankanne]

Is marriage enrichment a formal set of classes or therapists, or just marriage communication class? ours was a weekend retreat kind of thing (Marriage Encounter), with follow-up "gatherings" of local couples who'd done the retreat as well, though not the same weekend we did ours.

 

I've seen the Marriage Builders program touted; locally, there is a program called "We Vow Now" that is very similar to the program we did, just not done in as spiritual a setting ... you might check out those sites, as well as other marriage-enrichment sites or even check with your church, your counselor or anyone else who has done something like it. I hope you're able to find something that "fits" your particular needs

 

Set a timeline of one year. Tell him if he does not manage his depression and become a fully engaged and giving partner to the marriage, you will move on.

 

with all due respect, I don't think OP's situation warrants a deadline to better behavior, because his situation is different in that he's not indulging in an affair, and because it sounds like he's just as appalled by his behavior as she is. I don't believe he *wants* it to go any further than this because he's got that vested interest in his marriage with her, and even though he's burying his head in the sand, it doesn't seem like he's wanting a lifestyle of skirt-chasing ...

 

that said, the worst thing you can do is give a depressed person an ultimatum because that only creates a pressure-cooker situation. You want to help them find their way back to a "normal" way of being, and that means finding ways to encourage them to get healthy so that they can make better decisions more fully in grasp of themselves mentally. Depression isn't something that you bargain with.

[bc83]

I think you should tell him exactly how you feel as you have us!

 

I, too, am married to a man who has experienced depression and a long-term affair.

 

It opened my eyes to the relationship I wanted and was willing to have with him.

 

NO MORE feeling sorry for him. It enables the depression to go on for years and years because there is no consequences to the behavior and I grow weary and unahppy.

 

Set a timeline of one year. Tell him if he does not manage his depression and become a fully engaged and giving partner to the marriage, you will move on.

 

Stick to your guns on this. HE has to do this for himself!

 

Because if he does not, are you willing to wait five, ten, twenty years for a change in the relationship? In him?

 

Thanks - we have MC this afternoon and I'm going to bring up the issue of time frame for waiting for him to get his act together. I've been waiting for years.

[bc83]

Is marriage enrichment a formal set of classes or therapists, or just marriage communication class? ours was a weekend retreat kind of thing (Marriage Encounter), with follow-up "gatherings" of local couples who'd done the retreat as well, though not the same weekend we did ours.

 

I've seen the Marriage Builders program touted; locally, there is a program called "We Vow Now" that is very similar to the program we did, just not done in as spiritual a setting ... you might check out those sites, as well as other marriage-enrichment sites or even check with your church, your counselor or anyone else who has done something like it. I hope you're able to find something that "fits" your particular needs

 

Set a timeline of one year. Tell him if he does not manage his depression and become a fully engaged and giving partner to the marriage, you will move on.

 

with all due respect, I don't think OP's situation warrants a deadline to better behavior, because his situation is different in that he's not indulging in an affair, and because it sounds like he's just as appalled by his behavior as she is. I don't believe he *wants* it to go any further than this because he's got that vested interest in his marriage with her, and even though he's burying his head in the sand, it doesn't seem like he's wanting a lifestyle of skirt-chasing ...

 

that said, the worst thing you can do is give a depressed person an ultimatum because that only creates a pressure-cooker situation. You want to help them find their way back to a "normal" way of being, and that means finding ways to encourage them to get healthy so that they can make better decisions more fully in grasp of themselves mentally. Depression isn't something that you bargain with.

 

But it's like a matter of control at this point - my asking him to get help "means" I'm controlling him. He's so passive that my standing up for myself (i.e., setting a boundary) is viewed as giving him an ultimatum, trying to control him. And asking more than once means I'm a horrible nag. Walking on eggshells with any communication.

 

BTW, not sure how much he's vested in the marriage anymore. Seems more apathetic and waiting for me to make a move than actually being vested. And then not engaging in the conversation, just setting it up to fail.

 

I'll look into the marriage encounters thing. We're not religious, though.

[whichwayisup]

Read up on depression, (google depressionfallout) .

 

tell him he has to fix and work on himself before the marriage gets fixed. If need be, GO take him to his therapist appointments. He's terrified and that's understandable. Support him in ways that help him, not enable him.

[bc83]

Rocky four months since I last posted. In February, we decided to separate, but to date haven't been able to make that a reality, due to housing/money issues, but it's still possible that it'll happen in the next month or so.

 

H still denies depression, thinks he doesn't need to work on improving communication between us, and still doesn't know if he wants to be married to me.

 

It's possible this is all just a mid-life crisis, I suppose. I've done some reading in the Divorce Busters books, and the author advocates that the spouse just wait it out, and it could take up to 5 years, and to not be surprised if an affair happens. Does this make sense? I get to be on the back burner and not have my needs considered for that time? While he gets to go out and get his kicks? That advice sounds so patriarchal -- am I missing something?

[Sparty97]

I have a couple of questions/comments.

 

-How do you know it's clinical depression? Maybe he's just trying to figure some things out in his life and maybe that doesn't include you?

 

-When you say he had an EA, did he have sex with her?

 

-Were you giving each other the emotional/sexual support you needed leading up to his EA?

 

It may be possible that he is simply done with the marriage and is trying to figure out how to deal with that.

[bc83]

I have a couple of questions/comments.

 

-How do you know it's clinical depression? Maybe he's just trying to figure some things out in his life and maybe that doesn't include you? He's been on low level antidepressants for years, prescribed by his GP. I know he's trying to figure things out, like this one: why can't I *** a hot woman I meet in a bar or wherever, when I've been a good boy my whole life.

 

-When you say he had an EA, did he have sex with her? No, just asked her out to happy hour.

 

-Were you giving each other the emotional/sexual support you needed leading up to his EA? That's a tough one - roller coaster on both counts over the years, but in the two months leading up to the EA, we'd been closer than ever, and having great sex. He says this too, not just me We've been married for 20 years, so it's pretty cool that we can still have hot swampy sex together.

 

It may be possible that he is simply done with the marriage and is trying to figure out how to deal with that.

I agree, but that would be unlike him. He truly values our relationship, just is feeling hemmed in and like he's missed out on the wild stuff other guys did when in their 20s. We married at 25 and I already had a 3 year old. We met in high school, though, so he fell in love with me before I went off to college and ended up with a child (who he has been a great dad to, btw).

 

One more thing - he's off to a solo trip to the Carribbean next week, and I'm sure the subject of straying will come up before he leaves. I'm so not sure what to say - I feel like I want him to make his own decisions and live with the end results, don't get me to say before you leave that you can sleep with someone else while on vacation.

[An3maePhreek]

You've both obviously invested a lot into this relationship and you can't understand why he's so apathetic about being this close to the breaking point. Depression is a factor and you're alternately sympathetic yet fed up with placing his feelings and concerns before your own. You are a giver and probably have always been because when you're in love with someone, you want to give them the world. I feel for you and I want to address a few things:

 

First, it's not you. I'm sure you were feeling pretty crappy after feeling good about the apparent progress in your relationship and then finding out about the EA. I applaud your H for his honesty, but find a tinge of cruelty because I get the feeling that he's not sorry about it. Perhaps this was the out he was looking for, perhaps not. Either way the fact that it happened is probably the start of a turning point, but you've given this relationship everything you have. Do not feel that you've done anything wrong. You're a wonderful person and you deserve happiness, love, and respect just as much as he does.

 

Second, you are entitled to your frustrations. He has depression and you've had experience with it: the walking on eggshells, the overwhelming understanding that you allow for him, etc. But depression, like you've implied, is not a get out of jail free card that entitles him to do whatever he likes while trampling on your will and desires. Being in a marriage means you made vows: depression does not excuse these vows. Do not feel bad for feeling frustrated. Any normal person would.

 

And third, you need to make a decision. I understand you don't want to make the decision, but it's fairly clear that he's going to try to stay non committal in this situation. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and he's waiting for you to make a decision so he doesn't have to be. Instead of waiting in this standstill, it's time to think of you for a change. You are entitled to the pursuit of happiness. If you want in on this relationship: let him know that you are one foot out the door, and he's pushing you out. Give him a deadline because it'll clarify the situation and make him realize that you are just as serious about your happiness as he is apparently with his. Calmly let him know that if he wants the okay to sleep around while still working on this relationship: he does not have it. I'm not saying that's going to stop him: but at least, he'll know he's clearly the one at fault if he decides to have an A or an EA. Now, if you decide that enough is enough, then also calmly let him know and set up a schedule for separation, property division, moving out (or him moving out), and divorce. It would be best to probably go no communication unless it is about the aforementioned things. And then go and be happy. You DESERVE it.

[Baroness67]

Wow is all I can say. The original post says it all.

 

I think your husband feels very controlled by you.

Edited April 2, 2011 by Baroness67

[bc83]

You've both obviously invested a lot into this relationship and you can't understand why he's so apathetic about being this close to the breaking point. Depression is a factor and you're alternately sympathetic yet fed up with placing his feelings and concerns before your own. You are a giver and probably have always been because when you're in love with someone, you want to give them the world. I feel for you and I want to address a few things:

 

First, it's not you. I'm sure you were feeling pretty crappy after feeling good about the apparent progress in your relationship and then finding out about the EA. I applaud your H for his honesty, but find a tinge of cruelty because I get the feeling that he's not sorry about it. Perhaps this was the out he was looking for, perhaps not. Either way the fact that it happened is probably the start of a turning point, but you've given this relationship everything you have. Do not feel that you've done anything wrong. You're a wonderful person and you deserve happiness, love, and respect just as much as he does.

 

Second, you are entitled to your frustrations. He has depression and you've had experience with it: the walking on eggshells, the overwhelming understanding that you allow for him, etc. But depression, like you've implied, is not a get out of jail free card that entitles him to do whatever he likes while trampling on your will and desires. Being in a marriage means you made vows: depression does not excuse these vows. Do not feel bad for feeling frustrated. Any normal person would.

 

And third, you need to make a decision. I understand you don't want to make the decision, but it's fairly clear that he's going to try to stay non committal in this situation. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and he's waiting for you to make a decision so he doesn't have to be. Instead of waiting in this standstill, it's time to think of you for a change. You are entitled to the pursuit of happiness. If you want in on this relationship: let him know that you are one foot out the door, and he's pushing you out. Give him a deadline because it'll clarify the situation and make him realize that you are just as serious about your happiness as he is apparently with his. Calmly let him know that if he wants the okay to sleep around while still working on this relationship: he does not have it. I'm not saying that's going to stop him: but at least, he'll know he's clearly the one at fault if he decides to have an A or an EA. Now, if you decide that enough is enough, then also calmly let him know and set up a schedule for separation, property division, moving out (or him moving out), and divorce. It would be best to probably go no communication unless it is about the aforementioned things. And then go and be happy. You DESERVE it.

 

Thanks for this thoughtful response. Need to reread it a few times to take it all in.

[bc83]

Wow is all I can say. The original post says it all.

 

I think your husband feels very controlled by you.

 

Uh, huh? Not sure how you get that from my original post. I don't nag him at all, I don't do passive aggressive stuff, I make reasonable attempts to improve the situation but not endlessly. How would I behave if all of that reads as controlling? Maybe I've misstated something.