Star Gazer Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I keep dating the same guy over and over. That you do! Try not to be so judgmental about his trip across the country, whim or not. Perhaps he has extra time that you don't know about? Perhaps he has the financial ability to not have to be hard pressed to find a job ASAP. Who knows. I can't blame him for making that decision; doesn't make him a tool.
sb129 Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Too often I'm hung up on the past and future at expense of the present. I don't pay much attention to how I'm feeling in the moment. I over-invest or under-invest depending on somebody's expected value. I am just going to stop trying to predict the future, and also stop indulging in fantasy about how good things could be. The sad thing about living in the future is it makes it hard for me to even enjoy the present. Too many of my happiest moments involve imagining future happiness. That said I had one truly happy moment with J the last time I saw him, where he was holding me and I thought to myself I am happy right now even if this doesn't last. DOn't forget you just said this recently! The bolded part strikes a real chord with me- I felt this way ALOT in my mid to late 20s. I think alot of mine stemmed from the momentum with which we go from always looking forward to finishing school/college/grad school/ getting a job etc etc. When that momentum stopped, i freaked out. It gets better SP. Things get easier and less complicated as you get older- and much of that comes down to older guys being easier to deal with, as well as you being more accepting of yourself and your situation/life.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Yep. So he just officially agreed to a two week cross country road trip in January via facebook on a whim. Despite the fact that he's moving in January and supposedly looking for a job. And despite the fact that when I asked him if he could put in a few hours on my film during January, he acted as if he was too busy. I dunno why, but this finally killed it for me (I hope!). I don't hate him, but he's a tool. Sky, if finding reasons to hate him will help you move on, so be it. I'd been there, done that. It's always nice to call out their faults rather than saying " he doesn't like me for me". Either way, I just wanted to point this out because I think there are definitely ways to walk away from someone without feeling so angry about it. You can be positive and take this as a learning experience to avoid future emotionally unavailable men.
Author northern_sky Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 (edited) This is probably a terrible idea but I'll throw it out there. Tell me what you guys think. I'm pretty sure I want to end things with him definitively before he moves, and I want to stay on reasonably friendly terms. But I'd like to have a little fun first. I have an urge to go on one more date with him and play a little game for sh&ts and giggles. I figure it's not a big deal since he's not serious about me anyway. It's basically a sociological experiment for my own amusement. I'm thinking of getting into this bitchy, hipster character and seeing how he responds. Usually I dress in somewhat plain clothes. I"m going shopping tomorrow, and I figure I can pick up a stereotypical hipster costume. Then, on our date, I'll give a sarcastic response to almost everything he says and be evasive when he asks me anything personal. If my suspicions about him are correct, I could be totally half-arsed about this and he'd still bite. Of course, I'd never want to keep this up, but I think it might be fun for a night. Also, would basically indicate to me if he's shallow or not. Then I could post my results on here. Worst case scenario he's puzzled and put off, and stops calling. But that would probably be for the best anyway. I might as well go down in style, ya know? Edited November 27, 2010 by northern_sky
Star Gazer Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Worst case scenario: Your game works, you enjoy the attention despite its source, he falls in love with the fake you, you acknowledge you're in love with the real him who doesn't know the real you, you twist and pretzel yourself to "keep" him, and all sorts of confusing emotional drama ensues. Don't do it. BE REAL, Shadow. Be the authentic you, 24/7. No games. Stop it.
Author northern_sky Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 Aw, it would have been such fun! But you guys are probably right.
welikeincrowds Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 aw, it would have been such fun! But you guys are probably right. probably probably 1234567890
Author northern_sky Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 1234567890 you lost me, mister.
threebyfate Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Honestly don't know what to say, northern sky. So, I'll just keep on reading and if something comes to mind, will post. But plse, focus on your classes. You're so, so, so very close to graduating.
Star Gazer Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 But plse, focus on your classes. You're so, so, so very close to graduating. Agreed. I keep forgetting about this.
Citizen Erased Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Honestly don't know what to say, northern sky. So, I'll just keep on reading and if something comes to mind, will post. But plse, focus on your classes. You're so, so, so very close to graduating. ^^^ This. Some thing are more important,
Author northern_sky Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 But plse, focus on your classes. You're so, so, so very close to graduating. Good point. This guy is a fly. Swat.
Kamille Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 This is probably a terrible idea but I'll throw it out there. Tell me what you guys think. I'm pretty sure I want to end things with him definitively before he moves, and I want to stay on reasonably friendly terms. But I'd like to have a little fun first. I have an urge to go on one more date with him and play a little game for sh&ts and giggles. I figure it's not a big deal since he's not serious about me anyway. It's basically a sociological experiment for my own amusement. I'm thinking of getting into this bitchy, hipster character and seeing how he responds. Usually I dress in somewhat plain clothes. I"m going shopping tomorrow, and I figure I can pick up a stereotypical hipster costume. Then, on our date, I'll give a sarcastic response to almost everything he says and be evasive when he asks me anything personal. If my suspicions about him are correct, I could be totally half-arsed about this and he'd still bite. Of course, I'd never want to keep this up, but I think it might be fun for a night. Also, would basically indicate to me if he's shallow or not. Then I could post my results on here. Worst case scenario he's puzzled and put off, and stops calling. But that would probably be for the best anyway. I might as well go down in style, ya know? To me this is a question of respect. Do you have any respect for him? If so, don't do this. If not, figure out what's keeping you invested. If you don't respect someone, you shouldn't be dating them. I think your perception of him has nothing to do with him and everything to do with your own insecurities. You have to keep things in perspective here. This man is being honest with you: he isn't emotionally ready to have a relationship. I'm pretty sure that if I went back to the thread you posted after you hooked up, some of us said you should take him to his word and not get emotionally invested in someone who has told you he isn't available for anything serious. You knew this from day one, and yet you still get angry that he keeps acting accordingly. The way I see it, you have three choices. 1) Playing games and losing respect for him - but then, why don't you leave him if you don't respect him? 2) Center yourself on your needs first: what do you want? And is he capable of providing that for you? Be tough with yourself, do the right thing for yourself and tell him honestly what your needs are and let him decide if he can provide or not. End things if he says he can't. 3) keep going as you are because you fear loss and are afraid to scare him away if you tell him what you want. Realize that if you stay there, yes, it is going to continue being painful. I would obviously like you to choose option 2. One day you will get to that frame of mind where you will be able to stick up for yourself, instead of playing games. I was in a relationship with a commitmentphobe when I was finishing my master's thesis. It taught me one valuable lesson: Bad relationships are draining, work is rewarding. If a relationship distracts you from your goals, it probably isn't the right relationship for you. The right man will put you first and offer support, not mind games.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 To me this is a question of respect. Do you have any respect for him? Question answered: This guy is a fly. Swat.
Author northern_sky Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 Question answered: Everything I say on this board is deadly serious.
Author northern_sky Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 (edited) To me this is a question of respect. Do you have any respect for him? If so, don't do this. If not, figure out what's keeping you invested. If you don't respect someone, you shouldn't be dating them. I think your perception of him has nothing to do with him and everything to do with your own insecurities. You have to keep things in perspective here. This man is being honest with you: he isn't emotionally ready to have a relationship. I'm pretty sure that if I went back to the thread you posted after you hooked up, some of us said you should take him to his word and not get emotionally invested in someone who has told you he isn't available for anything serious. You knew this from day one, and yet you still get angry that he keeps acting accordingly. The way I see it, you have three choices. 1) Playing games and losing respect for him - but then, why don't you leave him if you don't respect him? 2) Center yourself on your needs first: what do you want? And is he capable of providing that for you? Be tough with yourself, do the right thing for yourself and tell him honestly what your needs are and let him decide if he can provide or not. End things if he says he can't. 3) keep going as you are because you fear loss and are afraid to scare him away if you tell him what you want. Realize that if you stay there, yes, it is going to continue being painful. I would obviously like you to choose option 2. One day you will get to that frame of mind where you will be able to stick up for yourself, instead of playing games. I was in a relationship with a commitmentphobe when I was finishing my master's thesis. It taught me one valuable lesson: Bad relationships are draining, work is rewarding. If a relationship distracts you from your goals, it probably isn't the right relationship for you. The right man will put you first and offer support, not mind games. To be fair, he didn't tell me he was against committing until I sent him that email after a few dates. Previously to that he had told me that before he met me he only wanted something casual, but we should go on a few dates and see where things went. So initially he left things ambiguous. But yeah, since he made things clear I've been seeing him with eyes wide open. And I'm not angry at him. He has been honest with me. I am feeling a bit pissed, but not at him. I guess at myself. Let me explain. I have this pattern with some guys. I'd say most people I like or feel neutral to when I first meet them. But then there are some that immediately rub me the wrong way. J was one of them. So was my ex ex. Perhaps winning these guys over seems like an alluring change. Usually if I get any closer to them my first impression flips into something more positive. But it swings too far, and I expect them to be "better" than they are. Then it swings back again, and I feel annoyed for giving them the benefit of the doubt. Aalmost happened with J, but this time I intercepted the pendulum mid swing. I think I'm finally seeing him in a balanced, realistic way. Yet my lizard brain is pissed that he's not what I envisioned him as at my most positive. So in reality, I have no reason to be annoyed at him, just myself, yet the irritation is directed in his general direction. Also that anger makes it easier for me to detach. I realize now that it's not a healthy way to detach. Generally my coping method is me bitching to my friends and us making fun of the guy, and them being mildly amused at my craziness. Us dissecting an email he wrote: me: he can shove his "heya's" up his ass guy friend: lol. yeah that is annoying. does he write it on EVERY email? me: YES him: trying too hard me: suddenly i hate him him: lol, [my name]'s passions can turn on a dime me: you're just noticing that now? him: hell hath no fury like a [my name] scorned me: "heya" is [another ex-crush's] "cheers" him: eew me: fcktards. he can have his raggedy ann [red haired girl he's probably seeing]. him: i just did a google image search for raggedy ann. those dolls were fugly me: could you help me with a one liner to his email? I want it to be vaguely dismissive and a bit snarky. actually not snarky but snippy. him: you need to keep your cool to be effective me: actually sardonic might work better him: i can't be your cyrano. me: sorry, i'll put the crazy away. ----- So yes, I fully agree with you, Kamille. I think I'd feel happier if I just accepted people as they are. Edited November 27, 2010 by northern_sky
Star Gazer Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 You're taking a honest look at the situation, and acknowledging that you're mad at yourself, not him. And that's really how it ought to me. Thing is, you need to direct that anger at yourself, not him, otherwise you'll never learn from it and will continue this pattern.
threebyfate Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Perhaps winning these guys over seems like an alluring change.Okay. We have a starting point to work on. Had this happen to me once where an EU guy wanted me to prove myself to him. At first, it was a challenge which was fun. Then my self-preservation instincts kicked in with "Who the fvkc are you? You're nothing but a loser.". Having to prove yourself to someone is a TOTALLY losing proposition. What it does is put the power into the hands of the EU guy since no matter what you do, he'll always find a way to find fault. That is the nature of commitment phobes who are afraid of life, who are so weak that they get floored by emotional trauma and can't get back up again. Haha...reminds me of that old cliche from a commercial "I've fallen down and can't get up". So, the next time you feel someone pull the ol' "prove yourself", your self-preservation instincts should kick in. Otherwise, you end up killing your self-esteem over a total loser. Break the pattern.
Author northern_sky Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 Okay. We have a starting point to work on. Had this happen to me once where an EU guy wanted me to prove myself to him. At first, it was a challenge which was fun. Then my self-preservation instincts kicked in with "Who the fvkc are you? You're nothing but a loser.". Having to prove yourself to someone is a TOTALLY losing proposition. What it does is put the power into the hands of the EU guy since no matter what you do, he'll always find a way to find fault. That is the nature of commitment phobes who are afraid of life, who are so weak that they get floored by emotional trauma and can't get back up again. Haha...reminds me of that old cliche from a commercial "I've fallen down and can't get up". So, the next time you feel someone pull the ol' "prove yourself", your self-preservation instincts should kick in. Otherwise, you end up killing your self-esteem over a total loser. Break the pattern. I like the way you think, but are you saying it's OK for me to dismiss him as a loser in my mind if it helps me detach? I can't decide if this is healthy or not.
Author northern_sky Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 Okay. We have a starting point to work on. Had this happen to me once where an EU guy wanted me to prove myself to him. At first, it was a challenge which was fun. Then my self-preservation instincts kicked in with "Who the fvkc are you? You're nothing but a loser.". Having to prove yourself to someone is a TOTALLY losing proposition. What it does is put the power into the hands of the EU guy since no matter what you do, he'll always find a way to find fault. That is the nature of commitment phobes who are afraid of life, who are so weak that they get floored by emotional trauma and can't get back up again. Haha...reminds me of that old cliche from a commercial "I've fallen down and can't get up". So, the next time you feel someone pull the ol' "prove yourself", your self-preservation instincts should kick in. Otherwise, you end up killing your self-esteem over a total loser. Break the pattern. We "connected" at a party, but he had an online profile that I had first seen awhile back when I was on the same site. I remember his profile said something like: "I'm not really looking for a relationship, but I'll admit the possibility of you blowing me away with your awesomeness and making me re-prioritize." That irritated me. It's like I'll only take you seriously if you're awesome enough for me.
Star Gazer Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 We "connected" at a party, but he had an online profile that I had first seen awhile back when I was on the same site. I remember his profile said something like: "I'm not really looking for a relationship, but I'll admit the possibility of you blowing me away with your awesomeness and making me re-prioritize." That irritated me. It's like I'll only take you seriously if you're awesome enough for me. Hahaha, did it really say that? I see nothing wrong with thinking something like that ("I'm not looking for a relationship, but if an awesome person comes along and blows me away, I will be open to having my mind changed.), but actually saying it outloud? And in a profile? My lordy lord lord lord. I don't recall you ever describing this guy as arrogant... but he sure sounds like it! Having seen his profile and read that he's not looking for a relationship, before he made his "ambiguous statement," means you were on notice of his intentions before you ever "connected." Pay attention to what people tell you about themselves, Shadow. Don't try to conquer them.
threebyfate Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I like the way you think, but are you saying it's OK for me to dismiss him as a loser in my mind if it helps me detach? I can't decide if this is healthy or not.If you're determined to detach, then yes, it's a way to do it quickly. I say this because he threw the gauntlet down first with the paraphrased "I'm only looking for something casual but let's see where this goes". It's a bolt hole phrase and immediately puts the other person (you) in proof mode since he's saying in a round-about way "hey, if you do what I want, I might consider you". The arrogance of that statement is brutal. The EU guy in my situation came right out and used the "proof" word but in a couched form. Edit - Haha...looks like Star beat me to it!
Star Gazer Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I can't stop laughing at what he said in his profile!
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