I feel like destroying "this"

[northern_sky]

I am having a terrible day. To complete my semester for graduation I've had to take a drawing class. I'm not really interested in drawing (my focus is film), and all my attention has been on my thesis, so my effort in the class has been inconsistent. My professor met with me and she was pretty brutal. Everything she said was entirely true. She said I am somebody who is always self sabotaging. Like I'll make an effort and go a few steps forward and then throw everything away. I never take such conversations well. I think she was being honest and well-intentioned, and I only have myself to blame.

 

Even though I agree with it all being true, I feel powerless to change my patterns. I feel that if I start making effort it will be the same thing where I"m good for awhile and then self sabotage again. It's a vicious cycle. I left her office feeling so down on myself that I briefly fantasized about suicide -- something that I contemplate from time to time, but it's been awhile.

 

I am now feeling that I should just end things with J. I mean it's basically dead anyway, since I feel like it's not going anywhere, with him moving in a month and a half. Before I was thinking I might as well continue it; maybe he'll grow more attached to me. But that's unrealistic. I really, really like him, but it's evident he doesn't feel the same way since he doesn't seem willing to even go there and get to know me.

 

I am thinking now of sending him a final email. I mean it's sort of pointless since it's mostly for me. But just saying, "look, it's fairly obvious you don't feel the spark. I like you a lot, but it feels kind of one-sided. I think you're a really good guy, but dragging this out is just making me depressed."

 

I don't feel like I deserve him. He's way better than I am in most respects. Especially after that conversation with my professor. She basically verbalized everything I hate about myself, and it's all true. I can't bear to see him again (we had planned for tomorrow, but it seems pointless).

[Kamille]

I am thinking now of sending him a final email. I mean it's sort of pointless since it's mostly for me. But just saying, "look, it's fairly obvious you don't feel the spark. I like you a lot, but it feels kind of one-sided. I think you're a really good guy, but dragging this out is just making me depressed."

 

You have no way of knowing whether or not he feels a spark. The only side of the equation can have any idea about is your own. So the question is: how do you feel about him? How does it make you feel that he's moving? What do you want to do?

 

I'm getting the feeling that your desire to destroy this is a self-defense mechanism. Yet, I also suspect you're not being completely honest with him about your feelings. You would rather end things in this passive-agressive way than be honest about the fact that you like him and are sad that he is leaving.

 

Do you always wait for a guy to show emotions before you show some of your own?

[Star Gazer]

I think you know that sending that email would be self-sabotaging...am I right?

 

You've identified a cycle of self-sabotaging behavior that goes beyond your dating life. That's a start. Have you ever been able to identify WHY you behave that way? The behavior is merely a symptom, Shadow/Sky. If you can get to the root of it, you can stop it.

[northern_sky]

You have no way of knowing whether or not he feels a spark. The only side of the equation can have any idea about is your own. So the question is: how do you feel about him? How does it make you feel that he's moving? What do you want to do?

 

I'm getting the feeling that your desire to destroy this is a self-defense mechanism. Yet, I also suspect you're not being completely honest with him about your feelings. You would rather end things in this passive-agressive way than be honest about the fact that you like him and are sad that he is leaving.

 

Do you always wait for a guy to show emotions before you show some of your own?

 

Yes, you hit the nail on the head.

 

I feel like I'm almost in love with him, and it is very painful that he is moving so soon. I don't feel that I can tell him how I feel because I know it would make things even more awkward. I'm sure he suspects my feelings are strong. He is somebody who is uncomfortable sharing emotions, so I know it would freak him out if I told him I am sad that he is moving. I feel that I have to totally hide how I feel from him, which sucks.

 

I already sent him an email, so I think it's over. It wasn't as bad as what I wrote above. It basically said I sense you don't feel the same about me. It didn't say we needed to end things, but he hasn't responded. Then I realized later what a mistake it was to send, and I told him to disregard the email. I am sure the extreme neuroticism displayed between those two emails will make this as good as dead.

 

This is all on me. I chose to get close to somebody knowing the timing was wrong. I was overly optimistic that he would get over whatever he needed to work out fast.

 

I cared about him and will really miss him.

[northern_sky]

Well, apparently I dodged a bullet in that I didn't totally ruin it with him, which I guess is a good thing...?

 

Here's what he wrote back:

 

Hey,

 

Props for being the first person outside of Reddit I've ever seen use the *facepalm* in context. That gave me a laugh.

 

I think you're half right though -- I have probably been coming off differently for the past two weeks, but it's not from a reduction of interest. I feel *more* comfortable around you than I used to, so hanging out is actually more appealing. Which might be kind of the problem, now that I know I'm leaving soon. So I'm simultaneously feeling more attached and also starting to emotionally / mentally close up shop on my life here, which I am sure makes me give off a weird vibe sometimes that I don't realize I'm doing.

 

So anyway, you're not making anything awkward by voicing your observations -- at least not for me! And despite my (legitimate) weirdness, I would still like to hang out tomorrow if I'm up for it. If I've still got this cough I think I'll just want to stay in though, so if tomorrow doesn't work out we should shoot for Sunday -- I'll be at my parents' place Wed. / Thurs. / Fri., and then bro-ing it up with a friend who's in town from San Francisco on Saturday (and believe me, we make quite the "bros", like only an animator and a furniture designer can).

 

Also, are you driving to ----- at 2am, then driving to NYC in the morning? That is insane. I can't stand either one of those drives even on their own.

 

-J

 

Shame that he's moving.

 

One thing I appreciate about this guy is that, in contrast to most men I've been involved with, he never seems put off by my occasional crazy outbursts -- if anything, I get the sense he finds them amusing and charming (he once told me I like how you're kind of crazy). He's also very sincere. His words and actions have always aligned.

 

I have to swallow my pride and admit that I was totally mistaken over the summer when I first met him and thought he was a dick -- a conclusion I probably reached because I have a simultaneous attraction/repulsion to alpha males. If anything, he's the most respectful guy I've dated. He's like the Darcy to my Elizabeth, down to my false assumptions about his character and the way our first interactions involved mostly verbal sparring. Unfortunately, I very much doubt this story will have a tidy Jane Austen ending because he's moving, but who knows in the future. Maybe things will be rekindled when I move over the summer. That said, I'm not going to wait around for him by any means.

 

Btw, I think the reason he's suddenly feeling more attached is BECAUSE he's moving. I suspect he's the type who fears intimacy unless there's some barrier in place -- in this case a time constraint.

[northern_sky]

On Saturday night as we were falling asleep, he took my hand under the covers and intertwined my fingers with his and wouldn't let go. It was a really sweet moment. I know this has an expiry, but it was still cute.

[Brandi 2]

I am having a terrible day. To complete my semester for graduation I've had to take a drawing class. I'm not really interested in drawing (my focus is film), and all my attention has been on my thesis, so my effort in the class has been inconsistent. My professor met with me and she was pretty brutal. Everything she said was entirely true. She said I am somebody who is always self sabotaging. Like I'll make an effort and go a few steps forward and then throw everything away. I never take such conversations well. I think she was being honest and well-intentioned, and I only have myself to blame.

 

Even though I agree with it all being true, I feel powerless to change my patterns. I feel that if I start making effort it will be the same thing where I"m good for awhile and then self sabotage again. It's a vicious cycle. I left her office feeling so down on myself that I briefly fantasized about suicide -- something that I contemplate from time to time, but it's been awhile.

 

I am now feeling that I should just end things with J. I mean it's basically dead anyway, since I feel like it's not going anywhere, with him moving in a month and a half. Before I was thinking I might as well continue it; maybe he'll grow more attached to me. But that's unrealistic. I really, really like him, but it's evident he doesn't feel the same way since he doesn't seem willing to even go there and get to know me.

 

I am thinking now of sending him a final email. I mean it's sort of pointless since it's mostly for me. But just saying, "look, it's fairly obvious you don't feel the spark. I like you a lot, but it feels kind of one-sided. I think you're a really good guy, but dragging this out is just making me depressed."

 

I don't feel like I deserve him. He's way better than I am in most respects. Especially after that conversation with my professor. She basically verbalized everything I hate about myself, and it's all true. I can't bear to see him again (we had planned for tomorrow, but it seems pointless).

 

You have a lot on your plate. I don't know what to say about this, it doesn't sound right though. Ok, certainly people should tell us the truth, or whatever, but isn't this professor a bit much? She is your teacher and certainly she can tell you weaknesses you have, but to feel like committing suicide and then to feel not good enough. I would get out of that class and fast if I were you, this doesn't sound right at all.

 

A teacher is a teacher, not a councellor or analyst. That just isn't right.

[eerie_reverie]

sorry for f-ing up your thread

[eerie_reverie]

You know what I've said about all this. He sounds like a good guy. He is definitely interested. But he's not ready to jump in. It's not the right time in your lives.

 

You need to chill out. Keep things in perspective. He's not moving that far! My daily commute to work and back is longer. And, chances are you will wind up in his city anyway.

 

You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

But I think the real issue is that you are projecting all your negative feelings about your life into this relationship. Your art teacher says something negative, and you ponder suicide and attempt to end your relationship? Come on, your skin is thicker than that.

 

Fcvk that art class. Who gives a s!ht. You will be done with school soon enough.

 

You need to learn the art of underachievement. Doing just enough to get by. Working smart, not hard, is the key to saving your energy for what's important.

 

BTW, at this point in your life, I don't think that's J. But why burn bridges?

[northern_sky]

You know what I've said about all this. He sounds like a good guy. He is definitely interested. But he's not ready to jump in. It's not the right time in your lives.

 

You need to chill out. Keep things in perspective. He's not moving that far! My daily commute to work and back is longer. And, chances are you will wind up in his city anyway.

 

You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

But I think the real issue is that you are projecting all your negative feelings about your life into this relationship. Your art teacher says something negative, and you ponder suicide and attempt to end your relationship? Come on, your skin is thicker than that.

 

Fcvk that art class. Who gives a s!ht. You will be done with school soon enough.

 

You need to learn the art of underachievement. Doing just enough to get by. Working smart, not hard, is the key to saving your energy for what's important.

 

BTW, at this point in your life, I don't think that's J. But why burn bridges?

 

As usual, your insight makes total sense.

[northern_sky]

I will try to enjoy this while it lasts. I think I am sort of falling in love with him, and I will try to stop myself, but I only have so much control over my feelings. Whatever.

[northern_sky]

I am so up and down with this thing. I just need to somehow detach, even though I will continue to see him. I know I won't be able to detach in full, realistically speaking. But I'll do my best.

[NoLongerSad]

Northern sky,

 

You need to grow up and stop acting like a child. Presumably you're an adult now. Start acting like one.

 

Re: your studies, I assume it's costing plenty of money for tuition and plenty of your time and effort. Why are you wasting your time, effort & money on studies that you obviously aren't taking too seriously?

 

The same applies to any relationship you are in.

[Chocolat]

Sky, aren't you moving to where he'll be in 6 months or so? Strikes me that all is not lost.

[Star Gazer]

I know. You're moving there too, right?

 

You tend to be so Negative Nancy about everything, but I'm going to take an optimistic approach, particularly after reading some of the updates/nuances of your interaction. My thoughts on J have kinda taken a 180 here.

 

Call me overly optimistic, that's fine. But I'm having a "stars aligned" feeling about this. They're not in perfect order, but they're getting there.

 

See where it goes, Shadow. As much as he seems to enjoy and gain amusement from your sabotaging emails, stop sending them. Go with it. Visit him in a month. Maybe for New Year's Eve?

[xpaperxcutx]

I'll do a positive take for the heck of it...

 

I think you really should push whatever your feelings for J are aside for now and focus on your thesis. To even think about being with him right now will only complicate things as far as finishing school. In fact, in six months time you'll probably see him again. So why not forego the little time you have with him now in favor for the time you might have with him later on?

[Mme. Chaucer]

It sure doesn't sound very fun.

[northern_sky]

Thanks for the input guys.

 

J ended up being too sick to see me last night, but we exchanged some long, friendly emails back and forth. It was probably for the best because I was dead tired from my trip. That said, I ended up seeing him briefly anyway. Long story.

 

His BFF and my roommate broke up yesterday and he was roped into coming over to, as she apparently put it, "pick up B's sh$5" which she had dumped in our living room, before he said she "set it on fire or something." He seemed very unhappy about doing it, but was nice enough to help. I was asleep in my room after a long trip, but he knocked on my door to say goodbye for holiday break. He was clearly very sick -- his nose and eyes were red and he looked beat.

 

Anyway, we're seeing each other again on Sunday. He said he wants to do something more planned that gets us out of the house.

 

I've decided to change my mentality in terms of how I approach this. It's called radical acceptance. Too often I'm hung up on the past and future at expense of the present. I don't pay much attention to how I'm feeling in the moment. I over-invest or under-invest depending on somebody's expected value.

 

I am just going to stop trying to predict the future, and also stop indulging in fantasy about how good things could be. The sad thing about living in the future is it makes it hard for me to even enjoy the present. Too many of my happiest moments involve imagining future happiness. That said I had one truly happy moment with J the last time I saw him, where he was holding me and I thought to myself I am happy right now even if this doesn't last.

 

Whatever happens with J, I will take it in stride.

 

I am also going to make a concerted effort to be less cynical about people in general.

Edited November 25, 2010 by northern_sky

[Star Gazer]

Whatever happens with J, I will take it in stride.

 

I am also going to make a concerted effort to be less cynical about people in general.

 

I think this is an awesome evolution of your attitude.

[northern_sky]

I think this is an awesome evolution of your attitude.

 

Thanks!

 

I have decided, though, that he's really not for me.

 

I'll probably keep seeing him until he moves, because Ienjoy his company. But I don't see him as being boyfriend material any time soon.

 

I saw a facebook comment he left on some friend's status. The friend said he was taking a road trip across the country in January and asked if anyone wanted to come. J wrote back, "actually, yes." The comment was innocuous enough, but it really irked me for some reason.

 

When I read it, it finally sunk in that this isn't a mature guy. He's somebody who is impulsive and makes and breaks plans spontaneously. This is something he's even confessed to, but I guess I had to see it to believe it. He's always running away from stuff. I mean he even told me that his plans to move to NY were made on impulse.

 

I still really like and respect him, but...

[northern_sky]

I'm irritable today.

 

J just added a girl on FB. I looked at her photos and then checked OKCupid to see if she's a user as I suspected. She is. So presumably he's seeing her. I know I have no reason to upset or surprised. I guess I just naively thought that at this very moment he wasn't trying to meet anyone else, since he's moving in a few weeks, he seemed to be so busy and would always volunteer detailed explanations of what he was doing every freakin' day of the week. I know that was foolish of me.

 

In one of her photos she's bending over and groping her breasts for the camera. Even her username is retarded.

 

I was waiting for something like this to happen. Before the idea of him seeing other people was more abstract, but knowing for sure that he is is apparently too much for me to handle. I wasn't being honest with myself.

 

In short, I know I have no reason to be pissed, but I'm still upset. I'm going to try to remove myself from this situation now before things get worse.

 

I think he's a decent guy, and for the most part honest and direct. I also think he's smart, cute and fun to be around. But he's also impulsive, emotionally unavailable and a bit hedonistic. My opinion of him has oscillated wildly, but it's finally settled at something more balanced. He's not all bad, but he's not what I want either.

 

I hope I have the strength to cancel on him.

[welikeincrowds]

I'm hesitant about your "emotionally unavailable" diagnosis ever since you laid it on me. I think you tend to get heavy-handed with your character judgments, be they positive or negative (more often negative). More accurately, he's moving, a little unsure about what his future holds, and finally, he can't be in a relationship with you. Neither of you were very capable it seems, although I bet you were both more capable than either of you allowed.

 

I bet if you moved to his area, things might turn out interestingly for you. You shut in and out SO fast. That says a lot of things, the least of which being the actual facts of your relationship.

[northern_sky]

I'm hesitant about your "emotionally unavailable" diagnosis ever since you laid it on me. I think you tend to get heavy-handed with your character judgments, be they positive or negative (more often negative). More accurately, he's moving, a little unsure about what his future holds, and finally, he can't be in a relationship with you. Neither of you were very capable it seems, although I bet you were both more capable than either of you allowed.

 

I bet if you moved to his area, things might turn out interestingly for you. You shut in and out SO fast. That says a lot of things, the least of which being the actual facts of your relationship.

 

I asked him once if he was emotionally unavailable and he laughed and said with emphasis that he was. Also, his ex girlfriend told him he was EU as well. It's not just me.

[northern_sky]

I'm hesitant about your "emotionally unavailable" diagnosis ever since you laid it on me. I think you tend to get heavy-handed with your character judgments, be they positive or negative (more often negative). More accurately, he's moving, a little unsure about what his future holds, and finally, he can't be in a relationship with you. Neither of you were very capable it seems, although I bet you were both more capable than either of you allowed.

 

I bet if you moved to his area, things might turn out interestingly for you. You shut in and out SO fast. That says a lot of things, the least of which being the actual facts of your relationship.

 

I have realized that the only way to win this guy over is to play the manic pixie dream girl and be a bitch to him -- that seems to be his type. And I'm not about to play some character I loathe. I keep dating the same guy over and over. I need to stay away from the artsy dudes. They're nothing but trouble.

[northern_sky]

Yep. So he just officially agreed to a two week cross country road trip in January via facebook on a whim. Despite the fact that he's moving in January and supposedly looking for a job. And despite the fact that when I asked him if he could put in a few hours on my film during January, he acted as if he was too busy. I dunno why, but this finally killed it for me (I hope!). I don't hate him, but he's a tool.