pieturli Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Well, despite our efforts to make our relationship work, my girlfriends feelings did not come back enough for her to be in the relationship. I got dumped on sunday, and yes, I feel like a whole heap o' bull****. She said she still cares for me and maybe even loves me in a way, but not in the way that you love a boyfriend. We both concluded that we can probably never become close friends after this, but at least we can be on good terms. I certainly don't want us to act as if we never even met, although obviously I don't want to hang out with her now. I want us to be able to talk to each other and whatnot. You know, say hi if we happen to walk by each other. I feel as if I don't want her to just completely disappear, even though I don't want to be around her. It's all very confusing. I know that we will never be a couple again, but like I said, the thought of her just disappearing off the face of the earth feels almost as bad as not being in a relationship with her. Does this make any sense? Am I just desperately trying to keep her in my life to avoid moving on? I don't mean that I want us to be super close or anything like that, I just don't want to be invisible to her, nor do I want her to be invisible to me.
AlisaMarie Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 pieturli, that is honestly one of my biggest fears! Never seeing or talking to this person again! It's like someone is dead to us, but they're not but we are "suppose" to act like it, and that they never existed. When you get over this person, you won't feel this way anymore. But you know as well as I, getting over someone takes a ton of mental work. My ex fiance left 4 years ago. We had a car together and after we worked out the details, I haven't heard from him. I had heard that he got married and moved back to the area, but he was dead to me. I walked right past him last year while I was dropping off a rental car, and he didn't even say hello to me- after 8 years of being together! I was kind of hurt that he didn't even care how I was- but not hurt enough to lose sleep. It's all part of day to day acceptance. She is gone, and it wasn't meant to be. So cliche, but keep your heart in perspective. Maybe when you are over her you can talk and say hey. But your hurt has to be gone before that happens. Me and an ex from 2 years ago are best friends. We talk at least once a week and I go to him for advice! When I was balling over him 2 years ago, I would have never thought that would've happened. You never know what life holds. Cheer up.
Author pieturli Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 Oh definitely, I am aware that we cannot be just ordinary friends right now:) It is going to take a while for me to get over this whole deal, but I hope (as does she) that we don't just completely shun each other for the rest of our lives. Again, I don't feel any kind of need to be some kind of "bff" or whatever to her, but just to know that I'm not completely non-existent to her:)
Trovador Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Yeah, that would be fine if your heart didn't break (again) any time she rejects you, either openly or subtly... or when you realize that she never will be yours or when she dates some other guy... Are you sure you want that kind of pain? At least a clean break up it's like taking off a band aid only once, while if you stay around is like taking it off every day... That's why NC is a powerful tool to start healing...
SeriousBob12 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Yeah, that would be fine if your heart didn't break (again) any time she rejects you, either openly or subtly... or when you realize that she never will be yours or when she dates some other guy... Are you sure you want that kind of pain? At least a clean break up it's like taking off a band aid only once, while if you stay around is like taking it off every day... That's why NC is a powerful tool to start healing... THIS. Dont' be fooled my friend, it sounds like you're confusing wanting her in your life with hope that you can get her back. It's a lot easier to have that outlook when the breakup is fresh and new. It's easy to presume things wont' be that different, and bottom line you miss that person. Things start to change when a) you learn that you will never get the attention you received when you were dating. b) she starts dating someone else <--- that's the biggest right there. If you're hurt now (I feel for ya) the pain goes to unprecedented levels when she finds someone else, assuming you aren't over her.
Author pieturli Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 Well see thats why this feels so bizarre. As I said, I know that we can't be a couple again, since if she just does not feel the way I do, there is nothing we can really do about it. It's not one of those things where we can "reconcile our differences" because there really isnt anything to reconcile. I also know that if I were to hang out with her/talk with her now, it would just make it harder to get over her. All I'm hoping for is that some day we can maybe talk like ordinary people, even though we wouldn't really be "friends" as such. So yes, obviously I want her back at this stage, but I know that its not gonna happen. I don't know, maybe you are right. Maybe I do just want to get her back and I'm just making excuses. But, as I said, I don't want to keep hanging around her now, or maybe ever. I really don't see us spending time together in the future. All that I want is to be on good terms with her, in the way that I don't freak out if I see her in the street. Thats going to take some time though...
SeriousBob12 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 There's nothing wrong with that dude, feel free to express that to her but in more reserved terms. Just put it simple, you respect and care for her and don't hold any resentment but due to the breakup and your feelings you need a bit of space. Making her an active part of your life is most definitely going to make it difficult to get over her. It's good that you can recognize you two can't reconcile, but do you feel it? I find that the brain and feelings are on two different playing fields. It's easier to accept and admit things mentally/logically, but it's a lot harder to accept and feel emotionally. If you keep it cool/friendly but keep your distance I don't see how you two couldn't be on pleasant terms in the future. You haven't done anything to warrant otherwise, and if you do bump into her it wouldn't be out of the ordinary to say hello and chat. If she chooses to act differently, it's her choice and in that case screw her you don't someone like that in your life.
Trovador Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 But, as I said, I don't want to keep hanging around her now, or maybe ever. I really don't see us spending time together in the future... Let´s see if after some days you still believe this... right now you are deluding yourself IMO... this is only a "rebound" attitude, I guess it's instinctive... "she doesn't want me, well I don't want her either..." but after some time reality kicks in: we'd do everything for being back with her... even as friends... but soon we want more and reality, again, kicks in (or back): she doesn't want us, so we go away, for a while, and then rinse and repeat... Holy f***! That's the life you (we all) want? It's not worth, dude, go NC, the pain is gain, it really is...
Author pieturli Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 (edited) But, as I said, I don't want to keep hanging around her now, or maybe ever. I really don't see us spending time together in the future... Let´s see if after some days you still believe this... right now you are deluding yourself IMO... this is only a "rebound" attitude, I guess it's instinctive... "she doesn't want me, well I don't want her either..." but after some time reality kicks in: we'd do everything for being back with her... even as friends... but soon we want more and reality, again, kicks in (or back): she doesn't want us, so we go away, for a while, and then rinse and repeat... Holy f***! That's the life you (we all) want? It's not worth, dude, go NC, the pain is gain, it really is... Yes we are going no contact, but I think your misunderstanding me. I DO want her back right now. However, as lady gaga said, I don't wanna be friends. I also realize that we can never be together again in the way that I want to, and no amount of wishing it were so will make it happen. Facts are facts. Yes, facts and feelings operate on two different levels, but I do think I will be able to accept it all emotionally in a while. I want her to be happy, although obviously if she were to start dating now it would feel absolutely terrible. I suppose what I've been trying to say all along is that I want to get over her as quickly as possible so I don't have to hide from her in public or whatever. It could be as you said that I'm deluding myself. However I do see a difference between wanting to be on good terms and wanting to be friends and hang out. "If you keep it cool/friendly but keep your distance I don't see how you two couldn't be on pleasant terms in the future." That is basically what I mean here. I'm not saying that I'm going to try to chat with her on facebook or text or call or hang out. I'm taking a complete nc approach. My goal is exactly that, to stay cool and friendly, yet keep my distance. Again, I do know that if I tried to be all friendly with her now, it would just make it harder to get over her. I understand that I have to keep my distance and go no contact for a while now. If I saw her in a new relationship 2 years from now and STILL got all misty eyed about it, I would not think myself over her at all, and would probably get some professional help. Plenty of my friends are now on good terms with their ex-partners, although it did take a while. I just hope I can join their ranks some day. Edited November 23, 2010 by pieturli
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