AlisaMarie Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I just don't understand. I wish everyone could just be happy and have who they love. My ex and I had it all, then he started acting nuts after a year and since then it has been 4 months of craziness! I love you, I hate you, you're evil, you're a great girl. He always accused me of cheating and lying and couldn't trust me- but I have always been great to him. He had not a reason in the world to not trust me. We broke up for the 4th time 3 weeks ago. After 2 weeks I broke down and text and asked him how he was. Later that night he started sending me explicit messages and I kinda went along with it. Then I told him I wanted to talk about how he's been treating me. We met up and he was ice cold! He listed to what I had to say after calling me names that I probably shouldn't type in here. Then I come to find that he's seeing someone else. I feel like a fall right into his game, and I believe him when he degrades me! I start thinking that I am less of a person because he doesn't want me, and is choosing to spend time with someone that isn't even comparable to me (I don't mean to sound stuck up). I feel so confused. I am usually really great a NC, but after he says stuff, I blow up his phone just trying to defend myself and he turns himself into the victim. IDK what to do anymore!
ginastar Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 he prob degrades you so u have low self esteem and wont attract anyone else cause he prob doesnt want to lose u, but he wants to fool around with others in the meantime. these people are good manipulators, but A** holes. leave him, move on, find someone else, ur sooo much better than that.
Phateless Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I just don't understand. I wish everyone could just be happy and have who they love. My ex and I had it all, then he started acting nuts after a year and since then it has been 4 months of craziness! I love you, I hate you, you're evil, you're a great girl. He always accused me of cheating and lying and couldn't trust me- but I have always been great to him. He had not a reason in the world to not trust me. We broke up for the 4th time 3 weeks ago. After 2 weeks I broke down and text and asked him how he was. Later that night he started sending me explicit messages and I kinda went along with it. Then I told him I wanted to talk about how he's been treating me. We met up and he was ice cold! He listed to what I had to say after calling me names that I probably shouldn't type in here. Then I come to find that he's seeing someone else. I feel like a fall right into his game, and I believe him when he degrades me! I start thinking that I am less of a person because he doesn't want me, and is choosing to spend time with someone that isn't even comparable to me (I don't mean to sound stuck up). I feel so confused. I am usually really great a NC, but after he says stuff, I blow up his phone just trying to defend myself and he turns himself into the victim. IDK what to do anymore! Read this post back to yourself - run as fast as you can and never look back. You'll be happier.
Author AlisaMarie Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 Victoria, I am not sure because I don't want to put personal stuff out there! What can we do? As for others...I know I should run, but he catches me, esp when I am off gaurd, and love makes you crazy stupid sometimes.
victoria.v Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Hey, I created a new e-mail address, you can send me a mail with some contact data, and we can exchange there our real id-s. The e-mail address is: v_talk_buddy @yahoo.com (without space between the id and @yahoo.com)
Brandi 2 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I just don't understand. I wish everyone could just be happy and have who they love. My ex and I had it all, then he started acting nuts after a year and since then it has been 4 months of craziness! I love you, I hate you, you're evil, you're a great girl. He always accused me of cheating and lying and couldn't trust me- but I have always been great to him. He had not a reason in the world to not trust me. We broke up for the 4th time 3 weeks ago. After 2 weeks I broke down and text and asked him how he was. Later that night he started sending me explicit messages and I kinda went along with it. Then I told him I wanted to talk about how he's been treating me. We met up and he was ice cold! He listed to what I had to say after calling me names that I probably shouldn't type in here. Then I come to find that he's seeing someone else. I feel like a fall right into his game, and I believe him when he degrades me! I start thinking that I am less of a person because he doesn't want me, and is choosing to spend time with someone that isn't even comparable to me (I don't mean to sound stuck up). I feel so confused. I am usually really great a NC, but after he says stuff, I blow up his phone just trying to defend myself and he turns himself into the victim. IDK what to do anymore! I feel like I wrote most of this quote. My xBF used to pull me into that game. He's really cruel. Let him go with the other girl (unfortunately for her) because I doubt this guy will quit playing games with you. Please cut your loses.
Brandi 2 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Victoria, I am not sure because I don't want to put personal stuff out there! What can we do? As for others...I know I should run, but he catches me, esp when I am off gaurd, and love makes you crazy stupid sometimes. I know, I could never resist when he would call, I can now, it takes time, so hang in there!
Author AlisaMarie Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 Well, I ended up talking to him for most of the night last night...via text msg. I just told him to hear me out...I dumped my feelings on him like a waterfall. I just stated everything that I felt...past and present. He didn't understand what I was getting at and I told him it was just something I needed to do. He told me he misses me like crazy but can't put himself through the pain. I know he has deep rooted issues and somehow I have become a trigger to his sorrow, even though throughout the relationship I didn't do anything to deserve to lose his trust. I told him it was really hard to say goodbye and he agreed and started almost acting like it wasn't what he wanted, but something he had to do for himself. I told him that every time we worked it out we went full force...I suggested just chilling out and being friends for a while. He didn't respond. But this morning he text good morning and said he fell asleep. I said that's ok, but he didn't respond to anything that I had suggested. Now what do I do? I can't get his cute effin face out of my head!
Tincup Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 read a little bit on borderline personality disorder (bpd). This sounds a lot like my ex. They push/pull, they deflect things back to you. etc..I didn't understand this disorder at all. I had never met anyone like her before. Please read just a little bit about the disorder and see what you think.
WTRanger Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Do NOT be friends with him. You clearly cannot handle it. You need to be 100% over your feelings for him for friends to even have a chance at working. You want to be "friends" with him in the hopes that he comes back to you, and that's a recipe for disaster every time. You are willing to settle and that's not good. Do NOT do this crap over text. It's way too impersonal and very easy to fake emotions. It also give him plenty of time to think about his responses. You want honesty? Do it it person and leave the texting to the kiddies. This guy degrades you, chops you down to your lowest level, and yet you are still doing anything in your power to keep him in your life. Why? You really need to cut all ties with him and start your healing process.
Author AlisaMarie Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 read a little bit on borderline personality disorder (bpd). This sounds a lot like my ex. They push/pull, they deflect things back to you. etc..I didn't understand this disorder at all. I had never met anyone like her before. Please read just a little bit about the disorder and see what you think. Oh yeah! He has it! I have a thread about it and someone called downtown is like an expert on it! I always though bi-polar, but BPD describes it all. And I am co-dependent which in turn makes a toxic relationship. Toxic relationships can work, but you need the right tools and lots of mental work. I always find a way to let love prevail, but it may just be me being a stupid little girl.
Author AlisaMarie Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 Do NOT be friends with him. You clearly cannot handle it. You need to be 100% over your feelings for him for friends to even have a chance at working. You want to be "friends" with him in the hopes that he comes back to you, and that's a recipe for disaster every time. You are willing to settle and that's not good. Do NOT do this crap over text. It's way too impersonal and very easy to fake emotions. It also give him plenty of time to think about his responses. You want honesty? Do it it person and leave the texting to the kiddies. This guy degrades you, chops you down to your lowest level, and yet you are still doing anything in your power to keep him in your life. Why? You really need to cut all ties with him and start your healing process. I know, and I am not making excuses but he has all of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I really feel like his rage and pain is not from me, but I trigger it because of something that I did that may have upset him (even the smallest thing). I know I should walk away and let it be his own problem, but I feel so compelled to help and love him.
WTRanger Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 (edited) For Christ's sakes, STOP with the BPD excuses! It's WAAAAAAY to over used on this forum. It's an excuse instead of him being a douchebag, he's got some "disease". Enough with the excuses! If you are so inclined at knowing BPD then you should know some of the common rules in dealing with that person. Here's a recap, in case you need a refresher course. Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance. -WRONG! Belief that love can prevail. - WRONG! Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be. -WRONG! Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard - WRONG Belief that they have seen the light. -WRONG! Belief that you need to stay to help them. -SUPER-DUPER MEGA WRONG! In case you want to read the whole thing and play at-home head shrink. http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm Edited November 23, 2010 by WTRanger
Tincup Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 WTRanger is correct. The only thing that could make it a stronger post is to make the "Wrong" flash. I was with someone just like this for 2 1/2 years and it just does not work, no matter how hard "you" try. I would say cut your loses and run. I wish I had done so much earlier. You will not get any closure to the relationship so you have to accept that. I looked and looked for closure and could not find any. You don't have to try to make sense of it. It is what it is, a dysfunctional relationship that is very intense when it is good, and VERY intense when it is bad.
Author AlisaMarie Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 I know guys. And I know that it may be excuses for a sheer douche-lord, but all and all I still love him and care about him. You can't hate on me for that. I don't wish to play the stay at home shrink, but in finding healing for myself I came across this in therapy, and then someone mentioned it to me on here. Yes, when it's good, it's sooooo good, and when it's bad... it's unlike any bad I can even describe. I'm not trying to be a stupid girl. I am just trying to talk about my feelings since my friends are beat from it, and I only go to therapy once a week. Thanks for listening... it means a lot more than anyone knows.
Fufu Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 It's normal you still love him and wanna care for him. However, you also have to start loving yourself. Do you want to see yourself so beaten down by this? Look straight ahead in the future, you will be happy .
WTRanger Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 As hard as it might be, accepting the face that he's just an ass makes it easier for you to get over him. If you convince yourself he has a disease, you can always hope to cure the disease and get the old him back. But you can't cure asswipe-itis. Once an ass, always an ass. The reason I got so touchy on the BPD is any breakup from the dumpee's perspective seems like the dumper has BPD, when 99.99% of those people are just done with the relationship. Since they've checked out months ago before they actually dumped us, they seem like they are able to move on all stone cold like. As Fufu said, it's time to start loving yourself. You should use your therapy sessions to focus on making yourself better, and not fixing him. It's a long hard road, and we are here to support you.
Author AlisaMarie Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 As Fufu said, it's time to start loving yourself. You should use your therapy sessions to focus on making yourself better, and not fixing him. It's a long hard road, and we are here to support you. Thank you. I messed up though. I went out with him Wed night. He was all about it and loved me and stuff. He even told me his mom said that we were just going to end up getting married. We had a great night. Later the next day I got the "you're a really great girl and I will always love you...BUT..." well you know the rest. My friends are so sick of me. Crying wolf by saying that each time is the last. WT... I am an effin sucker for this douche. He ended by telling me all of the things that were great about me and all I said was "well it's all gone now...bye." How do I keep it that way? Seriously?
WTRanger Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but did you sleep with him that night? Is he just saying what you want to hear then turning turkey once he gets what he wants? It's hard to let go of someone you care about. You are human with real emotions! Don't necessarily feel so bad about wanting to be with someone. But at the same time, you really need to work on acceptance that the two of you aren't going to get back together. You have to face the fear of real and complete NC. You have to face the fear of him being 100% out of your life. You have to face the fear of standing up to him when he starts to pull this crap just to get what he wants. This is a lot like rehab. You are currently in detox from him, yet the need to get a little "boost" compels you to continue to seek him out. He makes you feel good for a bit, then you feel like crap when you finally come down off the high. You've just got to stay strong and find your support networks.
Author AlisaMarie Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but did you sleep with him that night? Is he just saying what you want to hear then turning turkey once he gets what he wants? Yes, I did. I know it was a mistake now. I was caught up.
WTRanger Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 So that's step one. You need to find tune your BS meter with him. You need to be strong next time he tries that schtick with you. He knows exactly what to say before, and exactly what to say after. All you need to do is remember day 1 when he's all Mr. Casanova, then the next morning he's as cold as a corpse. The cold truth is he's only concerned about what's between your legs and not you has a human being with feelings.
Author AlisaMarie Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 So that's step one. You need to find tune your BS meter with him. You need to be strong next time he tries that schtick with you. He knows exactly what to say before, and exactly what to say after. All you need to do is remember day 1 when he's all Mr. Casanova, then the next morning he's as cold as a corpse. The cold truth is he's only concerned about what's between your legs and not you has a human being with feelings. I understand this, he gave me the "last night shouldn't happen again, I don't want you to think we are **** buddies." Hmmm, why didn't he say that the other night before it happened? I promise you that now I am done. My friends are trying to do some intervention, but the truth is... I need not to count the days of NC... it doesn't matter. It's just done. I am not setting a goal to be over it, I am forcing it.
Phateless Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 This is a lot like rehab. You are currently in detox from him, yet the need to get a little "boost" compels you to continue to seek him out. He makes you feel good for a bit, then you feel like crap when you finally come down off the high. You've just got to stay strong and find your support networks. The biological brain chemistry of someone who is heartbroken is nearly identical to that of someone who is fiending for cocaine. Literally. Google it.
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