Ex wants to be friends and still thinks of me after over a year...

[MS32010]

I know there are many questions asked relating to the same matter, but I'm really starting to question what's going on in her mind since we've been broken up for a year and a half.

 

Her and I dated for almost 5 years and during that time considered each other "the one". The problem was (we both see it now) that our relationship at the end was very unhealthy, and I believe it had to do with our age, and our immaturity (we started to date at 16). That's not to say we didn't love each other, because we did very much, and we considered each other best friends. What happened at the end was that I was broken up with and she started to date a co-worker 3 weeks after our 5 year relationship. Although this seems like a really bad move, I can't blame her because the person I was then deserved to be left (now looking back on it)- even though too, we agree, we both played a part in the break up.

 

What's really questioning me now is how everything has unwrapped since the break-up. For starters, she is still dating the same guy that I was basically left for- at this point they have been dating for almost a year and a half. Since our break-up, we tried to give each other space, and go our own ways, and let each other move on...however, either her or I cave in an we have talked to each other once every 2-3 months (at least) because the other is constantly on our minds. At first, we both just understood that it will take time to move on, however, I'm really questioning this excuse since it's been well over a year, approaching two, and our feelings have not died off. She says all the time that this new guy is planning on marrying her, but she is still unsure in reality if it's what she wants. Neither one of us want the unhealthy relationship we once had, but since then, we have both matured, learned from our mistakes, and are ready for an adult relationship- I don't believe it would revert back to what it once was.

 

What's really bothered me too is that I know she does not respect this guy...she has cheated on him with me already once, and has contacted me and sent me things she should not be sending to me while dating someone else...AND he has found out about all of it.

 

Now my ex asked me if we can at least try to be friends since we are still thinking about each other (after such a long time) and since its been a long time, and we've changed so much, it would be a good idea to get to know each other again.

 

I have dated other people, but it just didn't work out.

 

I apologize about the lengthy question, but I wanted to give some background. My question is, should we try to at least talk? Should we just keep ignoring each other? Should the feelings have gone away by now if it really wasn't meant to be? I'm really starting to question whether it's realistic to say that it will get better with time, because it just seems like it's been too long and it hasn't.

 

I'm 23 now, into my career, and ready for the next chapter in life. The guy she's been with is 25, has a few more years left in school, and just doesn't seem as motivated as me to succeed in their career or life. She is 23 and about to graduate college in the next few months and start her career.

 

Thanks for all your help and your opinions.

[Nynetayls]

"What's really bothered me too is that I know she does not respect this guy...she has cheated on him with me already once, and has contacted me and sent me things she should not be sending to me while dating someone else...AND he has found out about all of it."

 

And you're fine with the fact that she exhibits this kind of behavior?

 

Bottom line: You should not want to be with any person that shows a tendency to betray his/her significant others. Sure, the grass may be greener on your side of the fence at times, but inevitably she will look once more to pastures anew. If you think that you are the exception, that she will no longer evaluate other "options" once you two are back together, you are most likely letting yourself in for some serious anguish and disappointment. No other factors mitigate this issue.

 

Forget about whether or not she respects the other guy. Respect yourself and find a mate that will stand by your side, and only yours.

Edited November 22, 2010 by Nynetayls

[MS32010]

I definitely see your point...other friends of mine have basically warned me of the same thing saying "if she's doing it to him, what's to say shes not going to do it to you?". I'm just curious on what she's thinking, her purpose to her actions and really what she wants, because she can't be clear about it.

[Nynetayls]

"I'm just curious on what she's thinking, her purpose to her actions and really what she wants, because she can't be clear about it."

 

People like this girl thrive on you feeling this way. It is their means of retaining your attention, and thereby getting an ego massage.

 

Look man, I can tell you that putting your bare hand onto a hot stove will get you burned rather severely, but you won't properly appreciate the severity until you do it yourself. I understand that it is hard to apply the wisdom of others when your heart complicates matters; some people just don't get things until they learn the hard way.

 

Anyway, best of luck.

[SmileyGirl]

I respectfully beg to differ.

 

I was in a 5 year relationship (engaged, had a home together and like you we had dated since a very young age) and it ended as badly as it possibly could. We have not spoken (and actually we act like the other has fallen off the face of the earth) in about a year and a half. However, I would be lying to you if I said he didn't cross my mind every single day.

 

Like you, we were both VERY immature and at the end it felt like we were trying to play a game of who could hurt the other most with their words. It's very difficult for me to say that to someone then come back and say "we really did love each other", most people think I'm crazy. So I do understand that part of your post crystal clear!

 

Like your girlfriend I started dating someone 3 weeks after we broke up. My ex and I have not spoken but through friends I know he criticized me for it. However, if your relationship was anything like mine I felt like my ex and I spent a year "breaking up" and when we actually got to the full blown final argument I was "over it"... granite, now I can say your NEVER fully over a relationship you have invested that much time and heart into. But that is how I felt and I'm sure that's slightly how your girlfriend felt. Not to mention I am one of those people who hate to be alone.

 

On to your relationship, I'm sure NO ONE on this board agrees with me (and I must say I have never cheated on a partner nor been cheated on) but I am a firm believer that when you meet the right person you would never cheat on them. Maybe your truly the right guy for her and if she is able to cheat on her current boyfriend then he is not the one for her. My relationship was so deep and he was my best friend that I am certain that if he ever cheated on me I would emotionally feel it (and vice versa). If I were you I would get to know her as a friend again. The hardest part for me to wrap my finger around in this world is that PEOPLE CHANGE. People learn from their experiences, people grow up and people mature. I have said it a thousand times that when you two started dating at 16 your intentions for the relationship were A LOT different then your intentions at 23.

 

I also believe that there is ONLY one person on this earth for each other. Only you know your true feelings and if you feel this girl might be the one don't be passive and let the chance slip away. Like I said most LSers don't agree with me but I'm a firm believer in second chances. Start out as friends and see what happens.

 

I wish you all the best!

[Eternity001]

MS32010, I am living your life essentially

 

My ex and I were together almost 5 years also. I was 22 and her 18 when it began. We spilt pretty much a year ago to the day roughly, I ended it, I handled it poorly and it was pretty bad all in all, she was devastated.

 

Like you I thought initially she was the one, she was my best friend and we shared everything. Towards the end though I felt something needed to change, we lived in the same room together for about 3 years of the relationship in a sharehouse so there wasn't a lot of space. Eventually i'd just had enough.

 

Now, ever since the breakup for the first couple of months she desperately tried to get me back and I refused. All in all she has stayed in contact with me for the entire time via text message only, trying to meet up, be friends, I'd blow it off or make excuses or agree and she would disappear or didn't have time. After 6 months she said she still wanted me back but stopped trying after that. Still kept up the text messages, trying friends though.

 

Recently there was a month of NC, I was thinking about her daily and still am and then she messaged me, telling me she missed me, would have stayed with me forever, that we could have been in our own home together, that I'm the only one she has loved and can't find the same with other guys etc. Now, I caved and reciprocated the same feelings. To the best of my knowledge she hasn't been with anyone sexually. I know she's kissed a few guys and what not but she's not the type to lay it out there easily at all. I on the other hand have been seeing someone since June. She doesn't know this.

 

Fast forward to Monday this week and we meet up for the first time in a year, it goes well enough, we talk about general things. At the end I tell her this wasn't a good idea. I just felt empty, the desire to be close to her was still there and she told me afterwards she wanted to hold my hand. However when I proceeded to tell her that when I look at her now all I see is someone I should have spent the rest of my life with not, watch someone else do it and that being friends just isn't healthy for me obviously. She simply responded with "I don't know what to say, I endured so much with you. Sorry" or something like that. So now I feel destroyed and back at square one emotionally.

 

Last night she finds out I'm not at home at 10:30pm and flies off the handle assuming I'm with someone, tries to call, sends half a dozen abusive text messages. Just wanting to know if I am that she'll get over it if I am but just wants to know.

 

She has agreed to talk to me over the phone tonight, in our case I guess there's too much emotion involved and probably always will be to consider friendship. Hopefully tonight we can come to an understanding where we have nothing further to do with one another. I can't really fathom why she wants me in her life anyway, she seems happy, has close friends, a good support network of family and is quite busy. Seems she doesn't want to let go one way or the other.

 

I hope to find out.

Edited November 24, 2010 by Eternity001

[Wrenne]

MS32010 and Eternity, as someone who has just gone through the same situation, i say listen to nynetayls. give your ex one final goodbye, let her know how you feel about her (e.g., i love you but you do not respect me or your boyfriend and it is painful to be in contact with you), and move on. let her know how you feel so that if she truly loves you and believes that it would work out, she won't have anything getting in her way.

 

i tried to remain friends with an ex for the past several months, while he had a girlfriend. he continued to send me sentimental/flirtatious messages, gifts, etc. everyone told me that his new girlfriend was a rebound and that he was just using her to get over me. i believed them and confronted him about his intentions. he told me, honestly, that he was just trying to be "my friend" and didn't have any intention of getting back together. by "my friend" i assume he means "just needing an ego boost" because i don't send sentimental/flirtatious messages and gifts to my friends. i believe that ex's can be friends, eventually, if both parties no longer have romantic feelings for each other. but most of the time it is just one person trying to keep the other person on the back burner in case something doesn't work out. never again.

[MS32010]

Thanks again for the reply guys. I really appreciate the 2 totally different views that I'm getting here...its almost like a best and worst scenario. You mentioned that if you're with "the one" you wouldn't cheat on them...and although I KNOW that would apply to me, to some other people here, it doesn't. My ex has told me she can see herself in the future with either one of us two, so even after this long of a time, she is still unsure. In my opinion, she thinks this guy is so good for her, because he never argues back and really isn't respected...I mean, he was cheated on multiple times and he is still with her, and I feel like deep down inside she still wants to be with me, but now she's stuck, because she does not like being alone either. The last year of us being together was exactly the way you described it, it was a pre-break up, and when we did break up, it was over a huge stupid fight. If we didn't fight that night, who knows if we would have broken up. All in all, I can say it changed me for the better, but it still is hard to see what had to happen in order for me to change. What i'm ok with is talking to get to know each other again...what I DON'T want is to be friends, and get stuck in that friends zone forever...basically be her "fill in" boyfriend for when her current one Isn't there. For now I'll keep the communication lines open, and even though I don't want to lose her forever, at the same time, I would rather do that, then to be "just a friend" forever...which again, is what makes me wonder what her purpose in asking me over and over if we could be friends. Eternity001, honestly, just watch out for that being stuck in friends zone mode, so you don't get more hurt by knowing that you could never be more. Smiley girl, have you tried to reconcile with your ex now that you realize your mistakes?

[MS32010]

Wrenne, you posted right before my last post, and honestly, if her intentions are to be JUST friends, I completely agree with you....fortunately, I'm not too blinded by this fact. This only occured 2 days ago, and the only difference, is she just wants to know who I am again. The only thing that's going to happen is talking on the phone...no hanging out at all. Honestly, I think that it's only going to go on for a few months...after that, she's bound to know who I am, and if it's not strong enough to leave, then I'm not going to stay around to be a fill in. I was just tired of the every 2 or 3 months of NC for the last year and a half, we would talk to each other, because one of the 2 of us missed each other that much. When I talked to her Sunday, I finally told her that enough is enough, and that maybe a year ago, we could classify this as "normal" but a year and a half later and still thinking of each other so much, there's got to be some reason or purpose to it...which is why we said, ok, we'll talk and get to know each other again, and see where it goes from there...versus pretending never to talk again, but most likely break that in another 3 months.

 

We'll see how differently it goes this time...

[Nynetayls]

"My ex has told me she can see herself in the future with either one of us two..."

 

Are... you... kidding me? If any girl ever said something like this to me, I would spit her out like sour milk.

 

Let me distill this further: Get out while you can. I promise that this will not end well. The simple fact that you enabled her to cheat (which, if I may be critical, you should not have done) means that she subconsciously feels that you will permit her to continue playing games. And she will play them at your expense in the end.

[Eternity001]

Hi Wrenne,

 

I plan to do this tonight on this phone call. I plan to make it clear that this wil never work on any level and the ties need to be cut for no reason other than my own benefit really.

 

I don't love this girl, I know this and deep down I know it wouldn't work but there is too much emotion involved for a friendship to work either. I've explained this to her but she persists nonetheless.

 

Hopefully tonight will be it and I can make her understand.

[SmileyGirl]

MS32010,

 

I completely agree that the "friend zone" is no where to be. However, I do know that if I were trying to get back with an ex (which I never have) I would use that line also. I do however agree with the poster that addressed your quote about her not being sure who she wants to be with you. When you KNOW you KNOW. Period.

 

As far as me reconciling with my ex after such a long time,... like you we had sex the previous night and the next morning had a MASSIVE blow up fight over door handles (clearly it was not JUST about door handles as we had numerous other emotional issues in the relationship that was just the spark that lit the fire) but by days end EVERYTHING I owned in our home was moved out, our families were involved, the engagement ring was given back, etc. and I have never spoken to him again... it was so so so nasty. He also still has me blocked in every way possible. It really stinks because I have so many questions and it feels like I never got true closure... but to see the person I was then compared to the person I am now I thank God everyday the break up DID happen because I truly needed it at that point in my life.

 

Someday when I can much easier handle if he ignores my request for communication I may reach out. Unfortunately while yes it has been a year and half I am not quite ready just yet for that. I also believe that lines of communication work both ways... he in a way "threw me out" of our home and always believed he was the one that would initiate contact if he felt the need to do so.

 

While I am a very firm believer in second chances, and I believe people DO change over experiences I am not sure I would ever WANT a second chance at this relationship... there was so much damage done and so many hurt feelings that I am not sure I would ever be able to let go of.

 

Sometimes relationships are like glass... much easier to leave them broken then hurt yourself putting them back together.

 

I truly wish you all the best with your decision and make sure you keep us posted!