Francesca101 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I would welcome any comments or advice on this... My partner is 45, I'm 40. We've been dating for just over 1 year and currently we live about 35 miles apart. We get on really well, lots of happiness and practicality too. We're together every weekend and sometimes for an evening in the week also (depending on work commitments) and we have been on holiday together a few times. We each have keys to each other's house and are insured on each other's car. We've met each other's relatives and next month, we're staying at his parents' house for christmas, and then at my mother's house for a few days after. So everything feels very stable. Yesterday I had a discussion with my partner about what next, commitment, whether we might think about moving in together, etc. (I raised the topic). He said he had also wondered about moving in together & what next, but he does not at present want to live with me. This seemed to be an answer of Not Right Now, as opposed to Never At All - I checked this out with him. He hasn't in fact cohabited with anyone before and also said this relationship with me feels the strongest, most solid / loyal / permanent that he's ever had. His stated reason for not wanting to cohabit was that it seemed like a lot of stress to organise and he didn't want to throw stress into our relationship; also he mentioned it had only been 1 year so far together and he'd like to keep on growing the relationship. I don't intend to construct a deadline with a precise date by when we MUST move in, or else move on.... However if I think of myself 5 or 10 years in the future and assume still with my partner (as I hope !), I don't really still want to be in a stage where one person is effectively visiting the other - staying for a short time with an overnight bag, then going home again. That would feel too much like being stuck in adolescence / early 20s. I do actually want to have a relationship which has a contented, stable domestic part of it - including all the tedious old household chores, discussions on whether to buy a new toaster, and all that other domestic stuff ! Ironically after having all this discussion, I went off to make dinner while he read the paper, he later did all the washing up (as I'd cooked) and we then spent 45 mins on the PC looking up options for our holiday next summer. All of these behaviours feel so domestic & stable that we might as well have moved in together ! What I wonder now is - What should I do. I can't help feeling that his response may indicate a lack of interest in me long term and I do feel a little bit rejected. I wonder whether I should raise the topic again (say in 6 months or 1 year) or whether I should never mention it until he does... any comments please ! (by the way I posted this also on the Dating forum as wasn't quite sure where it would best fit)
Clep Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 My first thought is maybe living together should come after you get married? Living together before marriage would not be my first choice. Have you asked him why hasn't he lived with another woman at 45 yrs old? Is he the type to hold our for marriage, scared of commitment, want's to take a few years to ensure it is extremely stable?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I don't sense anything truly amiss based on what you've shared. Of course you have a right to clarify with him what he envisions for your relationship 5 or 10 years down the line. In terms of a natural time schedule, based on what you've shared, it could go either way at this stage of the game. "Moving" by itself would add 'stress', not only for deciding where to live, but also in acquiring another human body cohabiting in the same abode. I guess you should pin him to some sort of a commitment with regard to whether he sees you living together in, say, 5 years time. If he sees that with confidence then don't sweat the present so much. ** and if your biological clock is a factor in any of this - you have a right to put that on the table clearly at this time. But allow him to give his answers to all questions...
Lauriebell82 Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I must say that living together IS very stressful in the beginning. It's wonderful, but it does take some time to get into a "groove." He may like things the way they are and not want them to change? That would be my guess by what you have stated about your relationship. Have the two of you talked about marriage at all?
Author Francesca101 Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Thanks to everyone for your replies.......... We haven't yet spoken about marriage, though that is something in my mind. I had in my mind the idea that we could see how we get on living together, and if for any reason that doesn't work out well for us - probably that would be the end of the relationship -but if it worked out OK, then we could talk about marriage. Perhaps I've been underestimating the difficulties and stresses of living together at first, thanks Lauriebell for reminding me ! I'm wondering about bringing up the topic of what he hopes / imagines for his future around New Year - we have some time together - and it feels like a natural time of year to look back at the past and also look forward / imagine the future. I'd like to ask him not only about relationship stuff, but also to ask about job / travel / anything else that he hopes for in 2011 - and I can share my hopes too. This could lead on to a bit of discussion about what he hopes for long term and what I hope for, to see if our views are compatible.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I'm wondering about bringing up the topic of what he hopes / imagines for his future around New Year - we have some time together - and it feels like a natural time of year to look back at the past and also look forward / imagine the future. I'd like to ask him not only about relationship stuff, but also to ask about job / travel / anything else that he hopes for in 2011 - and I can share my hopes too. This could lead on to a bit of discussion about what he hopes for long term and what I hope for, to see if our views are compatible. I think you should...just don't mention cohabitation again. But at 1 year, I think it's fair to ask if he sees a future for the two of you, especially since he is hesistant about living together.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 If you want a domestic life with a partner, wait until you get married to live together. Are there any children? Have you been married before?
Els Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 To be honest, I don't see how living together could be any more stressful than traveling 35 miles one way each time you want to see your partner. Unless he would end up traveling 35 miles for work instead if you moved in together. But everyone is entitled to their own timelines. Just as men shouldn't assume women are automatically up for sex when they are, women shouldn't assume men are automatically up for marriage or cohabitation when they are. I agree with the other posters: Talk to him to get a better picture of his reasons and goals, then make your own decision based on how compatible or incompatible they are with yours.
Author Francesca101 Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Very wise words, thanks also Elswyth for the reminder about everyone entitled to their own timelines. I'm trying hard to remember that he's simply answered a question that I asked... he's done nothing at all wrong and there's no need for me to be too upset (though I do feel a little unsettled right now). In answer to other posters and questions, neither of us have children and we are not going to have any children (impossible for medical reasons) so that simplifies things a whole lot. Neither of us have been married before, though of course both have been in relationships in the past. I have mixed views about marriage and I wouldn't want to marry - then move in together - as this seems to me a recipe for starting the marriage off with ultimate stress and difficulty. In a more positive light, it occurred to me that this topic of cohabiting is the first thing in our year together where we haven't agreed.. we've never had any arguments at all. So part of my feeling "unsettled" is that I'm not very practiced at handling disagreements with my partner (although of course I manage disagreements of all sorts at work, with other people, etc etc).
Els Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Just curious: How often do you see each other and which one of you does the bulk of the travelling?
Author Francesca101 Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Hi Elswyth Meet ups currently are : every weekend (mostly Friday night through till Sunday morning), and sometimes in the week (often Wednesday evening through till Thurs morning). The weekday meet ups vary according to each of our work commitments etc. Also we spend time together on holiday, usually 4 days up to 1 week or so. We are spending about 10 days together over xmas / new year.
Els Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Ah, I see, that makes sense. Do you travel most of the time or does he, or do you split it 50/50?
Author Francesca101 Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 We split it roughly 50/50. We don't have a rota or anything but it normally works out that we take it in turns to travel. One thing I probably didn't say earlier - We both have some separate interests (I'm a singer in a choir, he's a cyclist) and we both appreciate the other person needs time to do their particular thing. I did state in my discussion with him that moving in together does not mean to me that we have to stop doing all the hobbies and interests that we now have in our lives - I think it's very healthy to have some interests which are separate to a partner's.
Els Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I certainly agree it's very healthy to spend time doing separate hobbies, and I'm glad you said so to him. I asked regarding the traveling because if it was you doing the bulk of it, he might feel no compulsion to live together simply because it wouldn't be HIM driving 35 miles each time, so he won't feel the inconvenience. As you say it's 50/50 though, probably the main reason is that he just doesn't feel ready for cohabitation yet.
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