Francesca101 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I would welcome any comments or advice on this... My partner is 45, I'm 40. We've been dating for just over 1 year and currently we live about 35 miles apart. We get on really well, lots of happiness and practicality too. We're together every weekend and sometimes for an evening in the week also (depending on work commitments) and we have been on holiday together a few times. We each have keys to each other's house and are insured on each other's car. We've met each other's relatives and next month, we're staying at his parents' house for christmas, and then at my mother's house for a few days after. So everything feels very stable. Yesterday I had a discussion with my partner about what next, commitment, whether we might think about moving in together, etc. (I raised the topic). He said he had also wondered about moving in together & what next, but he does not at present want to live with me. This seemed to be an answer of Not Right Now, as opposed to Never At All - I checked this out with him. He hasn't in fact cohabited with anyone before and also said this relationship with me feels the strongest, most solid / loyal / permanent that he's ever had. His stated reason for not wanting to cohabit was that it seemed like a lot of stress to organise and he didn't want to throw stress into our relationship; also he mentioned it had only been 1 year so far together and he'd like to keep on growing the relationship. I don't intend to construct a deadline with a precise date by when we MUST move in, or else move on.... However if I think of myself 5 or 10 years in the future and assume still with my partner (as I hope !), I don't really still want to be in a stage where one person is effectively visiting the other - staying for a short time with an overnight bag, then going home again. That would feel too much like being stuck in adolescence / early 20s. I do actually want to have a relationship which has a contented, stable domestic part of it - including all the tedious old household chores, discussions on whether to buy a new toaster, and all that other domestic stuff ! Ironically after having all this discussion, I went off to make dinner while he read the paper, he later did all the washing up (as I'd cooked) and we then spent 45 mins on the PC looking up options for our holiday next summer. All of these behaviours feel so domestic & stable that we might as well have moved in together ! What I wonder now is - What should I do. I can't help feeling that his response may indicate a lack of interest in me long term and I do feel a little bit rejected. I wonder whether I should raise the topic again (say in 6 months or 1 year) or whether I should never mention it until he does... any comments please ! (by the way I posted this also on the Marriage / Cohabiting forum as wasn't quite sure where it would best fit)
810 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 He said he had also wondered about moving in together & what next, but he does not at present want to live with me. His stated reason for not wanting to cohabit was that it seemed like a lot of stress to organise and he didn't want to throw stress into our relationship; also he mentioned it had only been 1 year so far together and he'd like to keep on growing the relationship. to me, it looks like he's already given you his answer. Right now, the best thing is to do nothing. if this is not what you want, then talk to him about your thoughts (what you wrote here) and see if it'd take the relationship up a level--but i doubt it would.
Author Francesca101 Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 thanks, "810", I guess that is the answer but maybe I didn't want to hear it !
Crazy Magnet Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I can't live in limbo so I would bring it up again. I would ask what he envisioned for his future. What did he expect out of cohabitation and when did he expect that to happen. I would also discuss my thoughts on the subject. If the two viewpoints were wildly different I would want to talk about a compromise. If he was unwilling to compromise THEN I would question his intentions towards me.
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