Husband is gone, now what??????

[Surfer203]

Exactly.. one day at a time. No need to rush things. Good things take time.

[beachbum84]

So its been yet another week. Its been hard, and at times painful. But I gather that is the "healing" process. Nothing new has happened that is terrible, just trying to muddle through past demons. And wait out the process of him truly changing. Its hard when he reverts back to his old ways, even if its not for a long time.

 

I've been struggling too, to not revert back to the way I used to respond to his poor actions. I'm a hot head when pushed enough. And I guess you could say by Sept this year I had been pushed enough. So mostly I responded to him with yelling, and sharp tongue. So I'm trying my hardest to respond with I feel statements like so many on here have suggested. And if I'm so hurt/angry that I can't make myself do that. I just walk away for 10 mins.

 

I met with his recruiter and I give it my stamp of approval. It will be a huge change, and I'm not really sure how him being gone for so many months at basic, then AIDT (I think that is the right acronym, still new to me) is going to affect our relationship, especially in the most fragile spot it is currently. But I understand that part of our problems, is his problems, and he can't seem to fix them alone. And honestly a drill sargent sounds like a great way to resolve those issues for him. I just worry about being away for so many months, I worry that I'll get so used to living without him, and after just coming off of this situation, I fear I may just not want one more upheaval in my life. I know that sounds terrible. I'm just airing a fear. That's all.

 

My mom is very religious, where as I am only fairly religious, but any-who she mailed us the movie Fireproof and 2 of the Love Dare books. We watched the movie last night together. Great movie, very touching, and I felt like I could identify with a lot of it. He was against watching it at first, but he really got into it and in the end was crying. He as agreed to do the workbook with me. So we'll see.

 

Still baby steps. Each day it feels as if we are making forward progress, no matter how slow or how little. It hasn't felt as if we've lost ground in the past 2 weeks. We are slowly learning new ways to interact and react with each other. When you've allowed yourself to harden and shut down to the point neither one of you have shown respect to the other in a long time, its awkward, and hard to immediately stop that behavior, and start treating each other like we should.

 

He did take me to the ballet last Sat. I love the nutcracker, and have only asked him to take me each holiday season that we've been together. And he finally made it happen. It was a nice gesture, and I really enjoyed dolling up and going out with my husband. After Saturday I started wearing my wedding ring again, and I can tell that, that has meant a lot to him. He never took his off, even when he left. I however took mine off, and put it in his jewelry box the night he left.

 

So we'll see what our future truly holds, but we'll only know what each day holds, 1 day at a time. Slowly but surely I feel we'll come out on the other side stronger, better, and more in love. Or that is my ultimate goal and reason for holding on.

[What_Next]

Great post and I can feel the emotion through the words. My wife and I watch fireproof back when she was still having her affair and it affected me deeply, her less so for obvious reasons. Now that we are reconciling she has the book and she has said she will go through it. I'm just not sure when. I think it could be powerful.

 

Regarding the rings, that is most definitely a gesture for him. My wife and I played that game throughout our seperation and it hurt each of us deeply. I've realized what it meant. Now I still don't wear mine, but I hope to some day and if I do it will mean a lot to my wife.

 

Good luck and keep us up to date as to how things are progressing.

[beachbum84]

Yeah that movie was pretty powerful. Its amazing how I have shared with him numerous times how painful his use of pornography while I was preggers really hurt me, and how it never seemed to matter to him, and he always managed to make it seem like I over-reacted to the situation. Well even after MC last year tried to make him see my feelings were valid, he still didn't see it. After the movie last night... He got it. I guess seeing her pain, and how it destroyed her internally made him see how it truly does hurt and damage the other. He finally discussed it maturely, and sincerely apologized for it. My heart has waited a long time for him to make a mends on that issue. He also realized that he has been living his life for his self, and treating me more like a thing in his life, instead of his equal partner in life. That movie stirred up a lot of emotions in us both. I'm excited to start the book, and see where that goes, and how helpful it can be. I'm pretty optimistic about the book. I think it will continue to help "force" him to do the hard thinking, and re-evaluating of our situation. And me as well, for I know I'm no angel.

[beachbum84]

Okay was hoping we could start our books together, at the same time. But not sure if he'll ever open his book. And since its really not supposed to be about that I guess, I decided to start my Love Dare book today.

 

Day 1 out of 40, here I go. I'll be interested to see what may come from this by the end of 40 days. Wish me luck. :-)

[goingstrong]

BB, Wow! It sounds as if you guys are headed in a great direction!

[controlledchaos]

i just read your thread and i'm glad things are moving in such a positive direction.

 

i watched the movie and eventually my H did too. he wasn't all the impressed by it. i read the love dare book too, he thumbed through it and told me it wasn't really something he was interested in doing. i took my rings off almost 2 yrs ago, and it took him like a year to even notice. :-( he didn't care. he's never liked wearing his, so often wouldn't. we were married 9 yrs and have been separated 1.

 

i am so happy that you are trying to work it out. sounds like the reserves will be a great opportunity for him!

 

remember you are a strong woman! a wonderful wife and mother. keep your head held high, and keep on keepin' on!

[beachbum84]

So I've put the book down for time being. I'm so busy with holiday preparations, and he has my blood boiling again, so my heart isn't in it to treat him above what how he is treating me.

 

His little act of doting husband ran for like the 1st week he was home. I tried to discuss it with him last week, how he was ignoring me again, being rude to me again, and not helping when I need it. His response was starting a 3 day feud. Great. I hate that. I hate is inability to just discuss things, and be able to own his actions.

 

He's made minor progress with the Reserves. He has taken is asvab and scored decently on it. But since Monday he's expected me to drop my everything to hand hold him through finding all his important info, and detailed info for his application. Wrong week for him needing me to be his mommy, I have a TON of stuff going on that I needed a husband to support ME through. But nope, once again, he could careless about the world around him, everyone is expected to drop everything to help him handle simple crap.

 

It looks like he'll be leaving in Feb, and not returning until late August. With that much time apart, I'm afraid he's going to come home to a rude awakening. He's got 2 months to turn into this wonderful husband that I'll actually miss once gone. For in the course of 7.5 months I will learn how to completely rely on ME, for me and for DD. I'll have MY routines in place, I'll have created the stability I've lacked since with him. I don't see me wanting to loose that stability and normalcy after that much time. And at this moment in time, I see him being the ingredient in my life that creates my chaos and undermines my attempts for stability.

 

If I can't emotionally rely on him, run to him, or connect with him before he leaves, what will I miss about him? When my life is changing without him, I fear I won't be pining away for him, I'll be moving on with my life. Sad for him. I hope he can get his head out of his butt in the course of the next 2 months and give me something to miss. For 7.5 months is a long time. Seems long enough for one to start getting over the other I'm a bit afraid.

[Donewrong]

I'm so sorry to read this. I thought things were moving in a positive direction for you. Keep your chin up. You are a strong woman and you show him that everyday. Wishing you the best.

Edited December 22, 2010 by Donewrong

[What_Next]

That is awful. However if he cannot take it upon himself to change his behavior then it is really not a path you should be going down.

 

I wish you the best.

[beachbum84]

I'm so sorry to read this. I thought things were moving in a positive direction for you. Keep your chin up. You are a strong woman and you show him that everyday. Wishing you the best.

 

 

Thanks.

 

Yeah I had thought they were too. But last week he just reverted back to same ole him. The one who when I ask for help, or ask him for some one on one time he responds with loud sighs and "I really don't have time for this right now. If you weren't making me work 2 jobs, then maybe I'd have time for you and your crap." hmmmm...

 

I love how his current outlook is, just wait, when I come home from basic & tech school I'll be a changed man, and things will be better. Which that may very well be true. But I'm trying to show him that basic isn't his cure all pill, and that if he can't ease some of the symptoms prior to leaving, my heart won't care about his changes he's made while apart.

 

For I'll have been making changes too, and unfortunately the nature of the beast is, while he's gone, I'll be learning how to 100% live without him. Now I could learn to get by without him, while missing him, and awaiting his return. Or I could truly learn how to live without him, and move forward without him, and dread his return. I've tried to make it clear that the state in which our relationship is in the day he leaves, is going to decided what path my heart and mind takes. I don't think he truly gets it though. It's not threats, it is reality.

[beachbum84]

That is awful. However if he cannot take it upon himself to change his behavior then it is really not a path you should be going down.

 

I wish you the best.

 

 

Yeah, I hear you. And I am with you on that. The part I struggle with is this. At what point will I know if he's truly never going to change his behavior? Like how long can I wait & see? I feel like I've been waiting for years, and I am honestly running low on the desire to keep waiting.

 

 

Honestly since he left over a month ago, I have felt like I have been treading water, in open water, where I cannot see the safe harbor, nor even anything resembling solid ground. It feels as if he's creating storms that churn the water so much that at times I barely can keep breathing and treading. And my biggest conflict is that I know I am choosing to tread in that unknown water, feeling as if I may never make it to solid dry land. I know I have life boats near me, hovering, begging me to stop being foolish and get out of that nasty water. But I just feel like I still have a small amount of stamina left in me, that I can't stop treading until I know I merely cannot continue any longer.

 

So sadly that is where I am. At what point can I say, I tried communicating the best I could. I have tried being as patient as possible. I have tried to allow him enough time to make a difference, and have given him a proper opportunity to help fix our marriage. If I have to limp away from this, I don't want to have any regrets or what ifs. I want to either find that we did work out, or that I tried everything I could, and gave it my all but it just wasn't good enough.

[beachbum84]

So the holidays were good, but that bliss ended as soon as the holiday was over.

 

He got a new video game, which I had asked him not to ask for, for it only causes problems between us since he can't limit his time playing, and he only has a little bit of time left with me and DD before he's gone for quite a long time. He got the game from his mom that he's been dying to have. Ugh. Christmas night he couldn't wait to fire up that x-box as soon as DD was in bed. Funny thing, his x-box once again got the "red rings of death". ROFL! So he can't play it. Karma??? Of course he got severely grumpy over it and caused a big problem.

 

He still doesn't have his Army paperwork completed, mainly b/c he has to make phone calls and do some follow up and that just isn't his thing. He's put it off for weeks now! But Monday when I arrived home, there was a return shipping label for his x-box. I love how his priorities are all wrong still. Can't get his life together. But when his beloved x-box breaks, he a.s.a.p. goes online, makes the necessary phone calls to get it fixed.

 

His overall attitude has just sucked. We mentioned that upon his return from basic and tech school that we should get new rings for 2 reasons, 1. being that my beloved solitaire got accidentally flushed down the crapper 3 weeks after we got married and since I've been wearing his mother's ugly teeny tiny engagement ring (which was only supposed to be temporary), and 2. more importantly to have a visual reminder of our new reconfirmed strengthened commitment to each other. So I did a little window shopping for my new ring earlier this week, and was excited to share with him and get his opinion. His nasty attitude was, "I don't know why you think I'm obligated to get you another ring. And that you feel entitled to spend that much money on it." He never even looked at the brochure, and I got hurt and angry. He had suggested that we finally replace my ring, and I had agreed, but now he sees it as an obligation. grrrr...

 

So needless to say, things aren't great. I gave him back "my" ring and just have been wearing my pearl promise ring he gave me years ago. For I don't feel obligated to wear someone else's crappy ring that means nothing to me. It only reminds me of never having anything of my own, and having nothing that I can take pride in. That ring resembles to me promises that were never fulfilled and years of disappointment.

 

He's been sleeping on the couch and I couldn't be happier about that. I wish he'd just get his crap together already and leave for basic. I am tired of being forced to be around him daily at this point, with his piss poor attitude and outlook. He makes me miserable, and then apologizes promising to change and be the man I need. To only be the dumb-ass momma's boy that I'm sick of, to apologize and on and on.

 

I'm tired of the cycle. I want him to go be far far far away from me. At this point I don't even know where we'll be realtionship wise when he's able to return. But if I base it off of how I feel today, he'll be coming home to his mom. So sad, cause it truly could have gone different. A little compassion, tenderness, and change in attitude could have gone a long ways. And maybe still can, but I don't know. I feel my walls going back up, and the I don't care anymore attitude taking over. I'm merely trying to get through the next couple months before he leaves and I move.

[beachbum84]

Well no time like the present! I noticed today that he's racked up the cell bill again with the stupid texting, which we don't have a plan for, and have agreed to not text. Yet all of a sudden in the past few weeks he feels the need to text and rack up the bill. I'm sick of having to be his mom to have him act remotely close to an adult. I'm over that. I'm tired of trying to change him, and even more tired of waiting to see if he'll change. His empty promises of I'll do this different, and I'll stop doing this and start doing that do nothing but make me boil with anger now. I'm tired of the lip service.

 

So I'm determined to be out of this house either by the end of the month, or latest 6 weeks. Regardless of what he does or does not do with the Army. Its time for him to figure his life out, and long over due for me to get my life sorted out. I got a Jeep load of boxes tonight while he was at work and packed them all up of just mine and DD's stuff. If he wants his stuff packed this time around, he can pack it himself. For we've packed up now for the 5th time in the 5.5 years we've been married. And I've done it alone the 4 times before. This time around I'm looking out for me and DD. If he leaves for basic I sure hope his crap is packed and stored b/c I won't feel the least bit guilty turning in keys with all his belongings still inside.

 

Its time I start changing my life. Its time I move forward. I have no idea where he'll be in 4-6 weeks, but tonight I don't care. For tonight I know no matter what I'll be at my dad's shortly, whether its b/c he's away and that was the previous arrangement, or it will be b/c he can't get his life together and I'll be finally getting on my own two feet and moving upward and onward without his heavy burdensome dead weight!

 

Phew, that felt good to just vent out.

[sirweasles]

Ok I want some advice from you. I believe my situation is simaler only im the a**hole. I suffer from severe anxiety/panic attacks that just suddenly started about 2 months ago and I cause alot of problems while having them. I am now on medication for depression and the attacks. How do i prove to my wife that I am working on getting better and that I am doing better. Last night I suffered a very bad attack and pretty much lost my mind I used my cousin as my way out and sent very few texts to my wife which I tried to keep good. However I believe my cousin and his wife were with my wife the whole time and his answers were very criptic and almost sounded like he was being coached so I dont know if my wife still got my raving or not. I am trying very hard and would like to know at the point you are now how is it possable to prove that he is getting better if only small step at a time. I love my wife with all my heart and want her to come back to me but everytime I have an attack I loose control.

[beachbum84]

Ok I want some advice from you. I believe my situation is simaler only im the a**hole. I suffer from severe anxiety/panic attacks that just suddenly started about 2 months ago and I cause alot of problems while having them. I am now on medication for depression and the attacks. How do i prove to my wife that I am working on getting better and that I am doing better. Last night I suffered a very bad attack and pretty much lost my mind I used my cousin as my way out and sent very few texts to my wife which I tried to keep good. However I believe my cousin and his wife were with my wife the whole time and his answers were very criptic and almost sounded like he was being coached so I dont know if my wife still got my raving or not. I am trying very hard and would like to know at the point you are now how is it possable to prove that he is getting better if only small step at a time. I love my wife with all my heart and want her to come back to me but everytime I have an attack I loose control.

 

 

To be honest, the smallest things add up to big disappoints over time with me. I hate more than anything that I'm the only adult in my home that knows, understands, and keeps on schedule with our daily routines. If he'd just follow through with what is asked of him, what he promises, or what he agreed to do, that would go a long ways in my situation.

 

Such as, I hate reminding him constantly daily to do the things he should just do. I wake him up, he should handle that. Every week the trash goes out on the same night, it's his chore (mutually agreed) yet every week I have to ask him to do it, and usually end up having to do it b/c he will not. If he does it, I have to send him back out to move it to the correct spot, for if it isn't exactly where the city says it should be they won't empty the can. Grrr... You'd think it'd be routine after 7 months, but nope still had to remind, and then order him, then something he should be helping me with causes a fight.

 

He has student loans, they send him letters, he ignores them. He does not pay them, he does not put them in forberance.

 

When he was in charge of our finances bills were constantly being paid late, my companies were calling me. The money was there to pay them, he just paid them when he felt like it. Has no concept of following rules, and doing things in a certain order. Has no concept of doing things b/c its expected, not b/c he necessarily agrees.

 

He kept DD home from daycare one day when he had the day off. He called me at work numerous times asking for this, for that, how to do this, how to do that. She was 3 for crying out loud. A babysitter I can understand them not knowing where I keep her juice boxes, and where her pjs are. But him. That just made me furious.

 

He's late to everything, I hate that. I like to be early, but with him we're always late. He's lost jobs before b/c of his tardiness.

 

He says he'll help with things, and then does not follow through. Says he'll work on my car, and then I end up rotating my tires, changing my own oil, and soliciting my dad to help with more major repairs. Like when it was time to change my transmission. He finally showed up to help my dad, but not until the day it was happening. My dad and I found the parts, planned when to do it, got the necessary fluids, and whatnot.

 

He feels entitled to things he does not likewise feel I'm entitled to. I called 97 dealers looking for a replacement mustang for him while I was preggers b/c his mustang got totalled in a wreck. All I could find was a Z-28 Camaro, and he pitched a fit, that it wasn't a black hard top GT Mustang like he said he wanted. Meanwhile what was I driving?? A beat old, unreliable old clunker. Then when that died my replacement was yet another p.o.s.

 

He always puts himself first, his needs are always more important than anyone elses, and he feels that others should handle his details and do all his laywork in anything in life. And he also feels that others should handle their own details, and do their own laywork.

 

So many times in the past I've approached him for sex and have been told, "Well I was just going to play a video game." I've asked him to cuddle with me on the couch, and he'd rather take a shower and go to bed. I've asked him to go away for the weekend with me w/o DD and he just can't get the time off of work. But when his brother last minute asks him to go to the casinos for the weekend, he wheels and deals his way to get the weekend off and leaves town.

 

For me, if he were responsible in his actions, attitude and overall beahvior I just may change my mind about him. He's great at saying sorry and promising me the world. But I hate hearing his lame words now. I'm tired of the lip service. I want to SEE his words become actions, and habbits. I want to feel taken care of and loved. Actions speak louder than words. If he could take care of himself, his life, and take on the responsibilities that he shoved on my plate years ago that would go a long ways too.

 

Simple things could peak my interest. If I came home and saw a load of dishes going, or his clothes picked up, or a load of laundry going, instead of him watching South Park, or playing video games, that would definitely make me go, hmmm... He's trying. But when I come home and he's had a few hours before my arrival and he's done nothing helpful, and has created even a bigger mess. I just come in the door angry, and frustrated. I don't want to be his mommy anymore plain and simple. I want to see that he has become a man. A man that can take care of himself, and his family.

 

Having a loving marriage and raising a kid takes more than him being willing to work. And that is all I consistenly get from him.

 

I don't know what your wife's particular gripes are. I don't know your issues. So I can't say that my viewpoint is just like hers. But for what its worth, these are a few areas that he could improve upon that would actually turn my head and make me take notice in him again, and see that he's changing and working on improving himself and us.

[sirweasles]

well I can say that my wife has similar gripes but I actually tried. I am not good at paying bills I never have been but I try to help out with it I have lost jobs from being late mostly due to drinking with my wife. I however try to do stuff with my wife all the time in fact part of my problem is that all i ever want o do is hang out with her I have pretty much walked away from my parents and siblings and all my friends becouse she is all i want to be with. I am very bad with money and i have had the video game issues aswell but I try to do my share of house work its not enough but I try and I know where all the kids stuff is and have no problem watching them with out her they are my kids too i believe I owe them to be a real dad I however have been suffering dpression for 2 1/2 years and refused to get help until about 2 months ago when I started getting panic attacks with it she has tried many times to get me to get help she has also been after me for the last 5 years to make friends and to go do stuff with out her. currently my panic attacks take me to dark thoughts of the worst things that could be going on and i start to believe that its actually happening understand the panic attack I had last night lasted 6 hours until i finally fell asleep unfortunatly do to how much I love my wife and our current situation all my dark thoughts dwell on her. good news is that i have only had one attack in the last 2 days which has come down from 8 to 12 a day i work 10 hours away from my wife and kids and dont know how to really prove that im getting better any suggestions

[beachbum84]

Okay first I want to say that I know my advice or take on this my come off as cold. But I'm just trying to inspire some hard thinking. I do wish the best for you and your situation.

 

 

well I can say that my wife has similar gripes but I actually tried. I am not good at paying bills I never have been but I try to help out with it

 

This is a key necessity in being a fully functioning adult, imo. Its nothing to be ashamed of if it you aren't good with money or struggle to adequately budget your finances, so long as you recognize you have a problem with it, and seek help to rectify said problem. Whether you are single or married you need to know and be able to pay your bills on time, and budget your expenses. Simply saying you aren't good at it comes across as a cop out. You could sign up for financial planning classes, seminars, read books, seek out counseling for it. Its not shameful that it isn't innate in you to know how, but I urge to take the initiative to learn how, and be successful at it.

 

 

I have lost jobs from being late mostly due to drinking with my wife.

 

You are not accepting full responsibility here for your actions. Unless your wife forced you to consume the alcohol, which I'm thinking is not likely. Being late imo again comes down to laziness, and poor planning. You know when you must be somewhere, and thus you need to plan ahead to know at what time you need to start getting ready, and when to leave to insure you are there on time. A motto of mine for years has been, "To be on time is to be late, to be early is to be on time". To include the last part of your sentence, "mostly due to drinking with my wife" screams to me that you are using her as your scape goat for irresponsible behavior. You are an adult, and as being one its imperative that you know your own limits. If you know you have to be up early the next morning and anything over say 3 drinks makes it impossible to do that, then 3 is your limit. Got to own your actions, and accept your consequences.

 

I however try to do stuff with my wife all the time in fact part of my problem is that all i ever want o do is hang out with her I have pretty much walked away from my parents and siblings and all my friends becouse she is all i want to be with.

 

I'm sensing here that your wife is feeling suffocated a little. Everyone needs alone time, or time away from the house out with just their friends. Now I'm not saying every night, or to a point that it puts a strain on their relationships. But its human nature to need some space. Perhaps if you don't feel the desire to have outside friends you 2 could set up a time for her to have a girls night (however often you agree), and those nights you'd take care of the kids and once they are in bed you can enjoy your video games, while she enjoys her fellowship with friends. She probably feels a strong need in getting out sometimes, but due to your lack of outside friendships, she probably feels guilty for being the only one wanting to have a night out. I'm guessing here, but it seems like she may have pushed you for friends so you'll get a guys night, she'll get a girls night and everyone is happy. But maybe you don't want/need a guys night, maybe your night can be used to indulge in different hobbies like video games, hunting, fishing, I dunno what you're into, just shooting in the dark here.

 

I try to do my share of house work its not enough but I try

 

That is great that you help around the house. However you used the word "try" to do your share. What keeps you from doing your full share? Do you wait to be told what to do? Or do you have a set routine of what your chores are? I know for me, it irritates me to no end if my H gets home a few hours before me and walks by the same messes, and does nothing. Its as if he doesn't allow himself to see the dishes piled up, or laundry needing to be folded, or counters needing wiping. If ever I came home to a load of dishes going, or a load of laundry going, and he was vegging out, I wouldn't be angry. B/c he did something helpful for us before he took "me time". I hate that I have to ask, tell, or order him as to what to do. Again may I suggest that you take some initiative.?. If you took it upon yourself to take over one chore completely, and one that you know your wife struggles to always have the time for, or dreads the most. I guarantee you that will not go unnoticed!

 

I know where all the kids stuff is and have no problem watching them with out her they are my kids too i believe I owe them to be a real dad

 

That is great! I applaud you for being such a good and involved father. That is a wonderful thing!

 

 

I however have been suffering dpression for 2 1/2 years and refused to get help until about 2 months ago when I started getting panic attacks with it she has tried many times to get me to get help

 

I want to start off saying I am sorry that you have been suffering from depression. That is no easy thing to deal with and overcome. However I think it can get taxing on your SO if they urge you to get help and you refuse. Overtime it frustrates them, and builds resentment in them towards the other, for not fixing a situation that doesn't have to be the way it is.

 

 

Here is a super bad analogy, but here I go anyways... LOL...

 

Okay imagine a household of 5, mom, dad and 3 kids. Now imagine that they seem to never have enough food in their house. You've been over visiting and gone to the fridge for a drink and seen a bare fridge on numerous occlusions. Kids seem malnourished, and it seems to really effect everyone in the house.

 

Now how would you feel if you found out the above situation was due to a lack in finances for that family, and though the parents are working, and trying their best, they just can't seem to be able to provide adequate amounts of food for their family.?.

 

Now how would you feel if you found out the above situation was due to an unwillingness for whatever reason(s) on the wife's behalf to go grocery shopping? The husband works all the time, and the grocery stores are closed when he is off work. It is the wife's responsibility to stock that fridge. And there is more than plenty of enough money to do so. But she just can't make herself go get the groceries like she should. Now how would you feel knowing her kids, her husband, and herself all go hungry many nights a week, b/c of her unwillingness to provide the food???

 

There is nothing shameful about having depression. I view it in the same light as having any kind of medical condition. But if you don't go to the doctor, you'll never get better, and if you don't get better you are choosing to put yourself in a bad situation. And with depression, it doesn't just affect you, your whole family feels the affects. Your wife was probably feeling angry, helpless, and frustrated that she couldn't get through to you sooner. imo of course, I can't speak for her.

 

 

currently my panic attacks take me to dark thoughts of the worst things that could be going on and i start to believe that its actually happening understand the panic attack I had last night lasted 6 hours until i finally fell asleep unfortunatly do to how much I love my wife and our current situation all my dark thoughts dwell on her. good news is that i have only had one attack in the last 2 days which has come down from 8 to 12 a day i work 10 hours away from my wife and kids and dont know how to really prove that im getting better any suggestions

 

 

May I suggest that during your darkest moments (right now), that you lean on someone other than your wife, or mutual friends? I think she may feel again suffocated by the situation. Your thoughts and words may be scary to her during those times, and she may not know how to process them. With all the current stress of your guys' situation, it might be a better idea to phone a therapist, a help line, a friend from group therapy. Just someone other than her. She may feel like you lean on her too much, and maybe take too much of her strength to help you. And then when she is needing help she most likely feels she cannot lean on you, so then she is feeling used up and helpless. Again just my idea. I think if you could learn to cope in a different way, you could show her a stronger version of you. A version of you that can handle his life, and still be able to reach out your manly husband arms and embrace hers. As women we long to feel protected by our men. But for them to be able to do so, they need to be dominant to a certain degree. If they cannot handle their own life, finances, emotions, and whatnots, it sends a message to us that they'll never be able to provide or support us. I know that sounds cruel, and I do not mean it to be. I'm just trying to say that you may be doing much more damage reaching out to her in those moments of weakness, than you realize. Until you can be there for her as much as she needs, you should really pull back to how much you depend on her. She needs you to step up and be the man of her life again. And I'm confident that you can.