Husband is gone, now what??????

[goingstrong]

Wow, army reserves? It sounds as if he is starting to man up, and if 12 wks of boot camp doesn't make a man out of him, then nothing will. If he goes through with it, I would seriously talk to him at the end to see if his head is where you want it.

 

 

BTW, I would tell your dad, that you've taken care of the problem and stay out of it. Nothing good will come of that conversation between your husband and father.

[beachbum84]

Yeah I told my dad yesterday that I can understand him wanting a man to man with Jason. But if he wanted to talk to him, he needed to cool down first. B/c if he talked to him in that manner, than he is no better than H. I feel he can convey his message minus the threats, and cussing.

 

He was pissed at my last ex for how it went down, saddling me with a lot of debt that we created, and keeping a lot of my stuff, and how poorly he treated me. And finally I was able to meet him to get my stuff and my dad forced his way into driving me to meet up with him. He said he'd just stay in the truck to make sure nothing went wrong. Not the case at all. He flew out of the truck as soon as it hit park. Raced over to my ex and was screaming at him. I'll never forget his rant. "Oh so you think you are some big man with big balls to be hitting my little girl, and taking her money, and leaving her with bills you created. (as he's yelling, his inching closer and closer, until he had my ex backed against his car). Then he continued on to say, "You are the scum of the earth, I wouldn't even wipe my ass with you. You will never be welcome on my property again, if you step one little toe on it I will shoot your ass dead and gladly rot in jail. I've got a gun and a shovel and I doubt seriously anyone will miss your pathetic low-life ass." Hmmm.... Can't imagine why ex didn't want to talk anymore after that. LOL. But in the scenario it was a blessing in disguise b/c he was worthless, and he would of only brought me down.

 

This time though. I do hope to reconcile with my H. And from past experience, if my dad does to him, what he did to the last guy, I seriously doubt H will want to reconcile with me any longer. And I can't say I'd blame him. If his mom ran her mouth and threatened me, It'd make it hard for me to want to get back into that mess.

 

However I do feel that a good I'm disappointed in you, you asked for my daughter's hand in marriage, and promised me you'd always take care of her and treat her right and you broke that promise to me. You aren't taking care of her or my granddaughter in the way they need and deserve, and until you are able to do you, you need to keep your distance, wouldn't be out of line.

 

I dunno. I can't control my dad. I can only ask him to choose his words wisely. And to butt out, yet that has never really been his style. :-/

Edited November 27, 2010 by beachbum84

[goingstrong]

Y

 

I dunno. I can't control my dad. I can only ask him to choose his words wisely. And to butt out, yet that has never really been his style. :-/

 

For some reason I think you have a lot more influence on people around you than you give yourself credit for. Appeal to your dad's sense of being a man and tell him that if you can control your emotions, then so can he.

[Lexygirl]

Wow just wow !

I have read your whole thread, BeachBum84, and I must say I think you are a very strong, impressive woman !

I had a couple tears for your situation even.

You have a good head on your shoulders and your little girl is lucky to have you as her mom.

Your energy and optimism reminds me of how I used to be * sigh *

I loved how pumped up you got when you went shopping and HELL YES flaunt your stuff when you see him !!!

I agree with you that he needs to grow the hell up before even considering letting him back !

Keep us posted YOU GO GIRL !!

[beachbum84]

For some reason I think you have a lot more influence on people around you than you give yourself credit for. Appeal to your dad's sense of being a man and tell him that if you can control your emotions, then so can he.

 

 

I've made it clear to my dad that I am against the foul language, and threats. But at the end of the day I just don't really care. To be honest I feel that I have hidden the details, lied about the details, and put fake smiles on for a long time to protect my H. And now its just time for him to face the music.

 

Did he honestly think that he could hit me, and cuss me out in front of our child and no one would find out and be upset? Does he honestly think that no one in my family is upset with him, and wants to tell him how it makes them feel to know how he treats me?

 

I'm not opposed to me dad talking to him. I just hope that when and if he does that he will use appropriate language, and not speak in a threatening manner. Thats all.

[beachbum84]

Wow just wow !

I have read your whole thread, BeachBum84, and I must say I think you are a very strong, impressive woman !

I had a couple tears for your situation even.

You have a good head on your shoulders and your little girl is lucky to have you as her mom.

Your energy and optimism reminds me of how I used to be * sigh *

I loved how pumped up you got when you went shopping and HELL YES flaunt your stuff when you see him !!!

I agree with you that he needs to grow the hell up before even considering letting him back !

Keep us posted YOU GO GIRL !!

 

HA HA HA

 

Thanks.

 

I sure don't feel strong. I feel weak, and lost, and just numb bumping around right now. I am on a new road in life, and I haven't figured out where the pot holes are, or what the speed limit is. Its so dark right now and it doesn't feel like my headlights are working. At times I'm not even sure if I'm going forward, or if I've turned around and am going backwards.

[beachbum84]

So today my H picked up DD and is keeping her all day and over night. I will see her after work tomorrow evening. Thought I was okay with that. But she wouldn't go with him. He tried peeling her off of me and she went hysterical. So I carried her to his car. She is now crying so hard she's choking on snot. :-( She didn't want to leave without me. She's screaming my name, begging for me to get her. And I feel terrible. I know its just new and scary for her to be seperated from me now. But it breaks my heart to hear her cry out for me, and to have to watch her leave.

 

Each day is a new trial, a new first, a new thing to get used to. In time this will feel "normal", I'm sure. But for right now, its just frickin tough.

 

I've never had time to myself before. The only time in 3 years that she's been away from me all day and overnight is when I had severe pneumonia, and she had to stay at her Maw-Maw's house for 3 days. But I've never been well and alert and not had her. Ever second I am not at work, she is usually with me. Sorta of weird.

 

But I'm being productive. Her room is clean. Laundry is started. Pot of coffee is drank. Green pool has been vaccumed, treated for algae, and now I'm just vegging out bored. I'm really sick right now though so I'm not totally hating vegging out. Just sorta weird that its been 4 hours since I've heard Mommy this and Mommy that. HA HA. It used to drive me crazy at times how much she chatters endlessly, but now I'm finding that a silent house much more uncomfortable. LOL

[Lexygirl]

Awwww I totally understand what your talking about.

You're right - this is all new territory and it will take some time to adjust for you and everyone involved.

Hope you can have some fun. Watch a movie you've always wanted to or read a great book or take up knitting lol.

Take care of you too

[sirweasles]

would be healthy to go out with some friends and find yourself again remember you are human we are social and we need socialization dont lock your self up get out and regain you.

[beachbum84]

Good idea. But friends, what the heck are those? LOL. I left all my friends 1,000 miles away 5 years ago when I said I do. And he's kept me so busy in the past 4 years with doing all the housework, planning, budgeting, working full time, catering to him, and then raising a child I have but 1 good friend. Who just got married in October. I haven't the heart to try and hang too much with her right now. The last thing her and her new hubby needs, is a friend who is dealing with marrital troubles.

 

Its times like these that makes me wish I never moved. Oh how I miss all my good friends from back home. But thankfully my dad is here. We are close and he's been making sure I'm not too alone lately. But its not quite the same as just goofing off with friends my own age. Ah well. At least my house is now clean. :-)

[sirweasles]

first Im no good at this myself but i can tell you if you go out you will find friends second get involved with a group activity like bowling or somthing trust me you will like your self more for it then you have to hang onto it you need to have you time

[beachbum84]

first Im no good at this myself but i can tell you if you go out you will find friends second get involved with a group activity like bowling or somthing trust me you will like your self more for it then you have to hang onto it you need to have you time

 

 

yes you are probably right. I notice yesterday as I sat alone all day, that we have lost ourselves along the way. Or at least I have. I have no friends my own age, and no regular activity that brings me out of the house baby free.

 

I do (we do) need time for ourselves. And if we work out, we need to make time for each other too. He has taken me out twice in the past year. And I think that him being gone so much, and me being overwhelmed and weighted down with all the responsibilities of our life, has just made me grow apart from him and resent him, and at times resent and hate my life. I feel smothered in being his everything, and her everything, and with no one being my everything I have just become defined as a mother and his caretaker. That's not all of who I am, and that is not how I want to be solely defined.

 

I think I need to find a way to start living a little for me. :-)

[beachbum84]

At times I just don't know what is going on. Or who he is anymore. Friday night he was so different. Everythign was I need to make changes in my life to support you and Chloe. It was all I want my family back. I want to do this or do that for my family. We talked about the Army Reserves and what that could do for him and our family. He had an appointment today to find out more information.

 

He calls me this morning to tell me about his day with DD yesterday, and told me he'd call me this afternoon as soon as he knows more about the Reserves. He doesn't call me until he only had 20 mins to talk before he had to go to work. grrrr.... So nice of him to ALWAYS make it where our communication is limited b/c he HAS to go to work. That makes me angry!

 

Well then as he was talking to me about it he was so excited. Which is a good thing. But I told him that I had a slew of questions that he didn't have answers for, and expressed that I would like a sit down with the recruiter and him to get my anwsers. At first he seemed like I was acting irrationally, and that I didn't need to do that. He then started talking about college again. GRRRRRRRR........ Great, yeah you go to basic training, then tech school. All while I take care of our child 100% by myself, and then you come home, and get a job and start school. Where again I will be doing everything by myself. HELLO, I've already done that for years. And for years he never passed school. And for years he told me to my face over and over again, "I do not have time for you", "I do not have time to help with chores", "I should not have to wake up with DD, for I am in school and work".

 

I want no part of that anymore. He had PLENTY of time to finish school, and he didn't. He just fooled around, all the while I upheld my end of the bargain. I did all the chores, all the child rearing, all the grocery shopping, all the budgeting and bill paying, all the planning. And what did I get???? A big slap in the face. I got solidarity. I got used. I got NOTHING! WTH makes him think I would ever, EVER want to go down that road with him again???

 

But as he rambled and started raising his voice with me on the phone. It was apparent his tone had changed since Friday. It was now, "I have to do this, and I will do that, for I have to look out for myself", "I will not work 2 jobs forever, I will not be a loser the rest of my life", and "I can't just not move forward b/c you will be alone, or have to do more". You will have to just support me.

 

WTF!???

 

What about ME? What about him supporting me? What about him wanting his family back and living for his family? How did he in a few short days go from I want to change and provide for my family and take care of my family to, I have to take care of myself and you are going to have to handle the situation alone so that I can do that. What is that?

 

Oh I am so angry right now.

 

He wants to come over tomorrow night to decorate the tree with Chloe and I. He thinks he is going to a Christmas festival with Chloe and I this weekend, b/c its a tradition.

 

So let me get this right. I get to have all the responsibility of her, this house, cleaning the horribly green pool, working full time, all the budgeting still. And he gets to just come around when we have a fun activity? I don't see how that is fair in any way shape or form.

 

Who the hell does he think he is? What right does he have to walk out, and then come back when its convienent for him? What about handling his responsibilities? This pool clean up is not my sole responsibility, nor is OUR child, nor is handling all OUR financial obligations.

 

Oh I am soooo angry right now.

 

He ends the conversation with saying that I guess you could find time to meet with the recruiter, whatever you need. I asked him if he'd pick up DD from daycare tomorrow evening so I could just come straight home and start dinner. He sighs loudly and says, "I suppose so, and then huffs."

 

The more he says, the more he acts, the less I think I want him. The less I think I want to ever share my life with him. The less I care to do anything with him.

 

He doesn't even get it. Or he doesn't even care. Or its both.

[beachbum84]

Oh I just want to cancel him coming over tomorrow. And I was NOT expecting him joining us this weekend. I thought he knew that he was not invited anymore. We never discussed that he would join us since he left. What makes him think that he is welcome all of a sudden?

 

I can't help but just burn with anger right now. How could I buy his crap on Friday? How could I believe that he was serious, that he really loved me, that I really mattered to him. For only a few days later he just talks to me the way he has been for years, as if I don't matter. As if my feelings are unjustified, and unimportant.

 

And then after making it seem like such an inconvienence for him to pick up our daughter from daycare, he thinks he's still coming over. And thinks he's just tagging along with us this weekend. What??? I'm lost. I don't get this. I don't get how he thinks he can do and say whatever he wants to me right now, and we are actuallly going to work out. WTH????

[Lexygirl]

ok Beachbum, breathe.

I'm sorry for your pain.

I just want to make a few points here.

First, don't discount what he said on Friday. I'm sure he had/has good intentions, however, it's very hard to change overnight. You say he's been pretty self-centred during your relationship. That means these changes are going to take time and if you do love him and feel there is a chance for you two, you must communicate, communicate, communicate ! I can't stress this enough. You have a window of opportunity here to try to turn this around. He needs guidance. Not saying to be nagging but there are ways to come out with it diplomatically BUT at the same time it must be spelled out in black and white what your needs are and what you are fed up with.

(Trust me, I suppressed my feelings for way too long in my relationship and now it's too late for us. There is too much resentment and no matter how hard he tries, I can't get over it all.

Had I been able to see what was really bothering me about our relationship and about his attitude back years ago, or if I had someone step in and say 'look you have to tell him all of this', we may have been able to salvage our marriage.)

I don't blame you for being angry and disappointed in him but I really have a feeling that if you don't give up and let him know how you feel, you two may eventually come to a compromise. You teach ppl how to treat you and the only way you can make this turn around is if he learns that you won't stand for him being self-centred. Like I say, it will take time for him to change. Baby steps but he must know that you won't stand for things the way they have been and spell out EXACTLY what you want to happen.

Good luck.

[beachbum84]

I am just breaking down tonight. I can't stop crying. I am so scared. I am consumed with anger, sadness, fear, and lonlieness. I am feeling used, and confused. I asked him to call me on his break so that we could try and turn around our previous conversation.

 

He did, and starts off with, "I'm calling you like you told me to do, I don't have much time, so you better make it quick". I start just sobbing and he tears into me, about how I don't support him, and how I want him to fail. And how everything is my fault. That he didn't abandon me and dd, that I made him leave. That he does want this work out, but he's not going to put up with my crap anymore. He's not going to be a failure anymore, and if I don't like the way he's going to change that, then its better he knows now than before he has to split his sign on bonus with me.

 

What is that? Why is he attacking me like this? All I said was could we meet with him together so I could ask some more questions b/c online made it seem like you'd be making considerably less. From that he says I called him a liar, that all I was, was negative, that I wasn't being supportive. But I wasn't. I just want to make sure that, that recruiter wasn't making things seem better than they would be, and he find out after he owes them 6 years of his life. And if we work out, OUR life. I just want to make sure everything is the way it seems. But he sees that as me calling him a liar.

 

He just kept reminding me of how little time he had for me, and how mad he was to be wasting his break fighting with me. But I was hardly getting a word in edge wise due to my sobbing, and his ranting. I don't see how he sees things so opposite from me right now. It hurts to the core to be falling apart and having him yell at me. And to be cussing at me telling me that he won't get a chance to eat now b/c I just can't deal with things. And then he ends it with I really do love you and I really do want things to work out. You just have to wait.

 

I don't get any of that. I don't understand how he can get away with treating me anyway he wants and then finish it with I love you and want to make this work. I feel awful right now. Still crying. Feeling so alone. Feeling like this is never going to go right. That we are just stalling the inevitable. And in the meantime I feel like he is just tearing me apart as much as he possibly can, and toying with me as much as possibly can, just so he can up make this situation permanent.

 

HELP.............. I cannot cope with this tonight.

[Lexygirl]

* big hugs girl *

There may be many reasons for his behaviour tonight but I guarantee one of them is his own insecurity of himself... Don't let him knock you down. You are just trying to be supportive. You know that. I'm so sorry you are so upset. You deserve to be treated well.

I think the best you can do for yourself is let yourself cry and then tomorrow get up, take a deep breath and hold your head up high knowing you didn't do anything to make all this happen. Please move ahead with your life with that strong attitude that you have. Maybe even call some of your old friends and talk about their lives or life in general. You don't have to talk in depth about your situation but I guarantee it will do you good to talk to an old friend or two. It will remind you of who you are.

I think that it would be most healthy for you to have little contact with him right now but that's your call.

 

Lexy

[Lexygirl]

Also, when he is ready to 'hear' you, then that is the time YOU can tell HIM what HE needs to do to change the situation.

I hope he is ready to really listen soon. So you can really tell him how you feel and what you need to happen (as I said above)

[pole_cat]

I am just breaking down tonight. I can't stop crying. I am so scared. I am consumed with anger, sadness, fear, and lonlieness. I am feeling used, and confused. I asked him to call me on his break so that we could try and turn around our previous conversation.

 

He did, and starts off with, "I'm calling you like you told me to do, I don't have much time, so you better make it quick". I start just sobbing and he tears into me, about how I don't support him, and how I want him to fail. And how everything is my fault. That he didn't abandon me and dd, that I made him leave. That he does want this work out, but he's not going to put up with my crap anymore. He's not going to be a failure anymore, and if I don't like the way he's going to change that, then its better he knows now than before he has to split his sign on bonus with me.

 

What is that? Why is he attacking me like this? All I said was could we meet with him together so I could ask some more questions b/c online made it seem like you'd be making considerably less. From that he says I called him a liar, that all I was, was negative, that I wasn't being supportive. But I wasn't. I just want to make sure that, that recruiter wasn't making things seem better than they would be, and he find out after he owes them 6 years of his life. And if we work out, OUR life. I just want to make sure everything is the way it seems. But he sees that as me calling him a liar.

 

He just kept reminding me of how little time he had for me, and how mad he was to be wasting his break fighting with me. But I was hardly getting a word in edge wise due to my sobbing, and his ranting. I don't see how he sees things so opposite from me right now. It hurts to the core to be falling apart and having him yell at me. And to be cussing at me telling me that he won't get a chance to eat now b/c I just can't deal with things. And then he ends it with I really do love you and I really do want things to work out. You just have to wait.

 

I don't get any of that. I don't understand how he can get away with treating me anyway he wants and then finish it with I love you and want to make this work. I feel awful right now. Still crying. Feeling so alone. Feeling like this is never going to go right. That we are just stalling the inevitable. And in the meantime I feel like he is just tearing me apart as much as he possibly can, and toying with me as much as possibly can, just so he can up make this situation permanent.

 

HELP.............. I cannot cope with this tonight.

 

I've been reading your thread and was reminded by a situation that a friend of mine went through. (I apologize in advance if this is rambling and blunt! I'm sleepy...)

 

She lived with a guy that sounds a lot like your husband. She told me once," Geez I can't believe how he orders his mother around, acts like a spoiled little brat, and takes her for granted - and she just takes all his rotten treatment!"

 

I'm left wondering if there is some pattern in your husband's family that he is just repeating with you, over and over again. What is his relationship like with his family? It sounds like he is very selfish, and unsteady in his behavior toward you and your daughter.

 

If there is one thing that I've learned, it's that some people are not quite able to love. They are broken in some way. He sure sounds narcissistic, manipulative, and emotionally stunted.

 

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you and a lovely daughter to share it with. If someone you love, who supposedly loves you, is making you cry frequently - there is something VERY wrong. That's NOT love.

[beachbum84]

So he called me again at 1:30 am today after he got out of work. His tone wasn't much different. So I expressed to him that we need to provide stability for our daughter during this time period, and he can't come over tonight for a family dinner, and decorating the tree and then leave. Its not right. She needs to know that we are either a family, or she has 2 separate parents that love her equally. Plus I can't handle the emotions of me handling all the responsibilities and him just coming in when its convenient for him, or he isn't ready to accept that he's not apart of the family while he is out of the house. He needs to know that while he is gone, we have no family. We have us trying to salvage our marriage and a wonderful daughter who deserves both of our attention, just at separate times right now.

 

He understood that. Then was rushing to get off the phone b/c he had to get some sleep to be back up for work this morning. He left it as he would take me out for dinner tonight so we could talk. And he asked me if he could take me out again Friday night.

 

So I've got a sitter for tonight, and will be dressed to kill, and will be wearing my heart on my sleeve b/c right now I just can't do it any other way. And I'm hoping and praying that he picks me up tonight with a fresh attitude, and willingness to sort through what is going on, and actively try to save what we can and move forward with that.

 

I agreed to Friday night b/c I didn't want to start another argument. But I think I'm going to wait and see how tonight goes. If tonight goes poorly as did last nights conversations. I'm afraid I won't see the point in subjecting myself to all this pain. For after last night I was left sobbing, unsure, scared, alone, in deep pain, and it didn't feel like we gained any ground.

 

I know this process isn't going to be easy. I know there will be some pain along the way as we rehash, and try to start over. But I guess I need to start feeling that all the pain I'm going through is for the greater good. For some reason other than his pleasure. I don't feel that he is going through any pain right now. Not that I necessarily want him to go through pain. But yet I sorta am left wondering, do I love him more than he loves me, am I more emotionally vested than he is, do I want him, need him, and want this to work out more than him?

 

And if so, than I'm afraid I'm just setting myself up to fall even harder than I did over a week ago. But I feel out of control. Like I feel like I have to put myself through this so that I will know one way or the other. But right now, all I am experiencing is pain, and I'm not finding any answers.

[beachbum84]

Even though he was rude and angry the night before, he did take me out for dinner last Tuesday. He showed up different, quite, and sad looking. I however was looking great, my house was clean, and was perky and ready to go. Ready to see what side of him I'd get this night, and see what if anything we could sort out. Well, he brought a new attitude that night, and it caught me way off guard.

 

He was being nice, he was showing remorse, he was admitting fault for things, and offering solutions, and was tearing up. But he has been nice before, to only turn around be mean a day later, so I wasn't fully buying it. Although I did enjoy hearing it. Seeing him display his emotions was something I had been waiting for. But I dunno, after the night previous I was hesitant to believe it all to be true.

 

So I asked him why the sudden change in heart. And the answer caught me even more off guard..

 

Apparently his mom had been easing dropping to 2 of our convos the night before, and woke up early with him on Tues to make him breakfast and talk. (now normally when she meddles, it blows up in my face, or harms me, but..)

 

She asked him point blank, "Do you two plan to work this out, or are you getting a divorce and staying here for quite some time?"

 

H: Well I think we will work this out

MIL: How do you think that will happen when you two scream and fight every time you talk, and you living here?

H: What do you mean?

MIL: I heard the whole conversations yesterday and you were just screaming, and cussing still, as if you hadn't had over a week to cool down.

H: Well she wasn't yelling, it was just me yesterday.

MIL: What!? She's not yelling, yet you still talked to her that way!? With that language!? With that tone and volume!? I'm going to ask you again, do you want to remain married to her?

H: Yes

MIL: Then may I suggest that you stop acting that way. You left, after yelling at her over a week ago. She for some reason is still taking your calls, but NOT calling you. When you speak to her, you scream, yell, cuss, rant, and escalate things. How do you see that being nice, productive, or in any way repairing the damage? Do you really think that your continued behavior is going to make her miss you? She's raising Chloe just fine without you, she made Thanksgiving Dinner and hosted it without you, they have their tree up without you, she's going to work, taking care of the house, cleaning that pool and handling life- without YOU. Don't you realize that she doesn't need you!? IF she is still taking your calls, its b/c she loves you and does wish things would work out. But you WILL push her too far away if you continue to stay here and treat her like that. You should never talk to your wife like that, no matter how mad you are. I'm not saying who's right or who's wrong. But your daddy and I just don't get why she is holding out for you. You are going nowhere in life, you are clinging to 2 dead end jobs, you are a miserable person to be around lately, you hate the world, you take pride in anything, and you've adopted this self-righteous attitude towards everyone over the past year. If I were her, I wouldn't even take your calls, especially if that's how they went.

 

So then he was off to work, after that warm pep talk from his mom. HA. I loved it. At work he tried venting his mom convo to his friend, and his friend took his mom's side. Backing up the whole Kim has been there through all your failures, and you walked out on her, and now you think for some reason you can still mistreat her? Damn, I'd take her off your hands if she's that horrible for you. You've been acting like a crazy a-hole for a long time, and I've just let you vent. But I'm here to tell you, your mom is right. You will lose your wife if you don't change. You left, which means IF she lets you come home you shall crawl on broken glass and be totally sorry and make sure to never be that a-hole to her again. If I were her, I'd have divorced your lazy, going nowhere ass the day after you left. But for some reason she's been foolishly hanging around for you. Your chances are numbered, the likelihood that she'll keep taking your calls is getting slimmer every time you talk to her like that. You are throwing your marriage away.

 

WOW

 

So after that he had all day at work to mull those convos over in his head, prior to taking me out. Lets just say, he's had a 180 turn around.

[beachbum84]

After a really good dinner Tuesday and the most open communication we've had in a really long time, I wanted him to come home. But I still felt like perhaps I should wait a few days to see how lasting this new outlook is. B/c he's been nice to me for a day here and a day there throughout this process, but it never lasted.

 

Well Friday he picked me up again. We did dinner and then grabbed some firewood and went home and used our fireplace for the first time. It was nice, more great communication, and we decided it was time for him to come home.

 

I guess his mom and his friend blunty telling him that you can look at things however you'd like, and spin them whatever way you want. But truth of the matter is, you left, she's not begging you to come home, her life is still operating just fine without you, she hasn't called needing anything, she's replaced you with her dad for time being with help she may need. The longer you allow her to move forward without you, the less she'll ever want to try having you back. I guess that was the slap of reality he needed.

 

We had a great family day on Saturday, and Sunday I was catching up chores and guess who willingly offered to help? The same man who walked out 2 weeks exactly before that for being asked to do the same thing. Amazing. We are far from being out of the woods. But we are seeming to be making progress. We still had quite a few disagreements this weekend, but they never escalated, and we got through the faster and with no damage, unlike anytime in the past. I know our future will never be perfect. And I fully expect these next few months to still feel like hell at times. We have a lot to fix, and a lot to make sure we change for the long haul. But for once, he seems to have finally gotten "it". In fact during one of our disagreements we chose to talk about it outside over a ciggarette, we weren't yelling, just disagreeing. Our DD opened the back door and says, "Daddy, now don't start yelling at mommy, I don't want you to have to leave again. And don't hit her either!" Then she shut the door and ran back in.

 

That little advice from our 3 year old was pretty sad, and made him think even moreso. He not only did damage to us and our relationship by being out of control many times, but now he's instilled fear in her of how he'll react to frustration to her mommy. That was hard to hear. But at the same time I'm almost glad she said it, b/c it again made him realize how serious this is, and how much it truly has and will affect us for some time to come.

 

So far, mostly good. Its nice to have him home. And we are sticking to our new plan that we came up with last Friday. I'm hopeful again that this time, this time we will be able to fix this. We meet with his recruiter next Monday. So our lives will truly start changing I'm sure after that.

[Surfer203]

Sometimes it takes a stern talking to from a mother figure to get through to a guy. Sounds like she is a good lady looking out for the best possible outcome. Glad he is listening to her - now let's see if he keeps this type of behavior up. Good luck!

[beachbum84]

Sometimes it takes a stern talking to from a mother figure to get through to a guy. Sounds like she is a good lady looking out for the best possible outcome. Glad he is listening to her - now let's see if he keeps this type of behavior up. Good luck!

 

Thanks!

 

Yeah I guess this time around, she was the one who was able to make him "see the light".

 

But I agree with you, lets see if he can keep this up. I surely hope he can and does. I'm enjoying this new version of him. I actually want to be around him, and look forward to nights he'll be home. It hasn't even been a week yet, so I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. Its just this "new" him seems more genuine than any of his attempts before. I'm still taking it one day at a time, and trying not to be pessimistic about how long this will last. That's all I really can do right now.

[slowbutSURE]

Best of luck to you BeachBum, I really hope this works out for all of you. Everything I have ever read or heard from a marriage counselor indicates it takes Rock Bottom for the person to change, see the light, get it. Was also told, sometimes they never get it. Hopefully for all of you, he hit bottom and is climbing back up.

Its very obvious you are going above and beyond what a lot of others would do in your situation, I applaud you! Having a daughter will make you do about anything and it should. Even though it appears your husband is not perfect and has "fallen" quite a few times, he seems to get back up and keep trying too.

One day at a time, cherish them.