zoes Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Hi everyone! I'm so glad to have found this forum. I think I'm going through a tough time and wondered if I could just share my story. I've been with my BF for two years now. We live 3,000 miles apart, a several-hour plane flight. We see each other about every three weeks for a long weekend. The thing is, we were involved for a few months at the beginning of our relationship, also long distance. Then I had a chance to live in his city for 6 months, which I did. I had my own place, because we were fairly new, etc. That was all normal. But I expected it to be great—and it wasn't! He was freaked out by the closeness, and became kind of distant. We only saw each other a couple of times a week during that six-month period, even though every time we were together, we had a wonderful time, and we said "I love you." It turns out that he is someone with issues, bad family issues stemming from his childhood, as well as issues from a previous serious relationship. He was keeping me at arms' length. So when I had to make a choice when my time there was up, I decided to move back to where I live, even though we were both devastated. He cried, too! The stoic one who never lets anything rattle him. We were in limbo for a few weeks after I left, but then it was clear that we still wanted to be "together." So ever since, for a year and a few months, we have been in an LDR. What's been fascinating and awesome is to see how our relationship has evolved and progressed without the "pressure" I think he felt when I was there. (I.e. ask me to stay and move in? He was in no way ready for that.) He always said that he would feel as though he was "ruining my life," making me leave the place I know so well and want to live in, where I have my friends and work. I told him it was more important to be with him. Now, it's strange to look back at how things were. Things between us are so different now. He's come out of his shell. He trusts me. He is openly emotional. But we still have no end to this LDR situation planned or in sight. I love him up and down and back and forth, we are in constant contact all day long through email and text and calls, we love each other, we both say we miss each other, we jump at getting a plane ticket whenever our schedules allow it. But I can't help thinking that he knows that if he asked me to come back, I would. (He's right in that that would really change my professional life, but that is a change I have told him I would be prepared to make.) He's not ready. But will he ever be ready? Or is he too damaged? He is a lovable, smart, friendly, outgoing person with many friends and a good career—but in his life, he has clearly gone through some bad things that have left him damaged. He has trouble talking about his feelings, he doesn't think people should open up, etc. And he's afraid that I'd move there and then realize I gave up my good normal life and resent him for it. Or that I'd find him unbearable to be with all the time and leave him. He has actually said that, that he's afraid that if I saw more of him, I wouldn't like him anymore. I have friends who say I should just spring it on him, move back to where he is. But I never want to move back there unless he asks me to come live with him. It was too tough on me to be so near, yet so far. These days, we're closer than we were when I was living there. Partly because we have grown closer over time and he has learned to trust me, but also because when we do see each other, we are together, not touch-and-go, will-I-see-him-will-I-not? Do I just keep waiting until he lets down his guard and gets trusting enough to ask me to come back? I feel so frustrated, never knowing when we'll see each other (though we always do, of course), and never knowing how long this will go on. There is nothing "concrete" (school, jobs, whatever) keeping us so far apart. There is just his troubled self. The one I love so very, very much.
Recommended Posts