someday Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 There was a huge event at my place of work, OM’s family was there, OM was there. I attended the event and didn’t want to run into OM so I went back to my office…and hid. You’ve no idea how badly that makes me feel…the hiding. I do not hide from anyone…and I hid from him. I had to. I know it was the right thing to do. Mixed feelings.
Smoky Day Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 For a couple points of clarification: if you knew he would be there with his family, and you wouldn't be able to face them, why did you go? And, are you married too? I think if I was involved in a situation that made me feel so bad about myself that I had to hide, I would really be motivated to get OUT of that situation. It's not doing you any favors, obviously...and now won't the people you work with wonder what's going on?
Author someday Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 Sorry, this was at my work site no way I could avoid by not going. I'm really good friends with his entire family so wanted to show my support to them, too. Yes, I'm married. I've decided that I don't want to go down the A route with him, and that's where this friendship of ours will lead so *sigh* I decided to avoid him. I am actively avoiding him. That’s why I decided to stay in my office for most of the day. I don’t even want to see him because seeing him is not good right now- not if I don’t want to engage in an affair- and I don’t want that. No one at work has given this a second thought and even if they did I don’t really care much. I needed to do what I needed to do for me. Besides I really did have a lot of work to do. Not so out of the ordinary for me.
Smoky Day Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Huh. Well, it's possible that I've just worked in really different environments than you, but saying no way could you get out of it because it was work and then following that up with saying you don't care what people at work think seems really weirdly contradictory. I have skipped many work 'events' because I didn't care what the people at work thought, and I have attended many work events because I did care what they thought, but I have never yet managed both at the same time. So, further clarification: this OM, nothing physical has happened yet? Is this just a slightly inappropriate friendship, maybe a crush, or is this a full-blown emotional thing? You say you're not in an affair with him yet, but you call him your other man, that's very confusing. And then you say you're good friends with his whole family, so you hide from them. Hiding from them doesn't mean they go away and are not fully present in his life even when he's only with you, but I assume you really know that. It sounds like you've already made the decision that you should not go any further with this than you already have, and are trying to avoid him. That's probably for the best, and the right decision. If he's not handling your avoidance well, maybe you should level with him that you want to go totally No Contact. Also if I worked with somebody and the situation was putting me through this much emotional turmoil and threatening my marriage and my friendships with other families, I would think about a way to get a transfer, or consider looking for a different job. Sometimes a change of scenery can work wonders on a lot of different things, shake things out of their rut while putting other things back in perspective.
Author someday Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 (edited) Thank you so much for your thoughts. I could try to explain this situation right down to a tee, but nah, I’m not going to do that. Let’s just say that I’ve known them all since I was a little girl they have always been good to me and my family. My work environment is such that I can avoid when needed- which is hardly never as he is never at my work- this was a special occasion that will not be repeated. OM is a really, really good friend. I was referring to him as my friend here on LS but that got people confused so I switched to OM to avoid the confusion. Seems its still confusing. It’s only truly emotionally traumatic for me when he and I talk or touch. I can’t let that happen so I’m going to avoid. I am they type of person who HATES to avoid but I just do not see any other way… I wanted to add that I don't want to have one more heartfelt conversation with him so I'm not going to talk about going NC with him. I'm just going to go LC with him...avoid, avoid, avoid...and that sorta hurts me to know that this will hurt him...but I just can't see any other way. Edited November 22, 2010 by someday
kuma Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Thank you so much for your thoughts. I could try to explain this situation right down to a tee, but nah, I’m not going to do that. Let’s just say that I’ve known them all since I was a little girl they have always been good to me and my family. My work environment is such that I can avoid when needed- which is hardly never as he is never at my work- this was a special occasion that will not be repeated. OM is a really, really good friend. I was referring to him as my friend here on LS but that got people confused so I switched to OM to avoid the confusion. Seems its still confusing. It’s only truly emotionally traumatic for me when he and I talk or touch. I can’t let that happen so I’m going to avoid. I am they type of person who HATES to avoid but I just do not see any other way… I wanted to add that I don't want to have one more heartfelt conversation with him so I'm not going to talk about going NC with him. I'm just going to go LC with him...avoid, avoid, avoid...and that sorta hurts me to know that this will hurt him...but I just can't see any other way. I think you have a big crush on him. Is he married? Does he know you have feelings for him?
Mr. Lucky Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I would think you'd get more specific responses to your thread if posted in the Infidelity forum. Since your post is much about your OM (and I agree with your use of the term) and mentions your marriage only in passing, spousal issues don't seem to be your focus... Mr. Lucky
Smoky Day Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 If OP has a huge crush on this guy I guess the term OM makes sense, but it was and still is unclear to me how far this has gone. There is a difference between having an unrequited crush on a friend/coworker, and having a requited crush. Of course, either one is diverting emotional energy and focus away from her marriage. Since she has since said she didnt' want one MORE heartfelt conversation with him I guess it's safe to assume it's a full-blown mutual EA. I was also working on the assumption that the OM's family in question was his wife/kids, but now it looks like the OP might be referring to the OM's parents/sibs, unless he's much much older than she is. Anyway, OP, Mr. Lucky is right that you'll probably get more targeted responses in the Infidelity or OW/OM forum. I think that if you're avoiding him and that's hurting his feelings and he has no idea what's up he's going to be seeking you out and you're going to be creating a new cycle of drama and end up doing more hiding in your office. I get wanting to avoid the traumatic conversation, but in that case I'd consider a very concise note. But again, I'd also consider looking for a different workplace. I don't believe low-contact really works. How do you feel about telling your husband your marriage is in trouble, so he can help you work on it?
Spark1111 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Thank you so much for your thoughts. I could try to explain this situation right down to a tee, but nah, I’m not going to do that. Let’s just say that I’ve known them all since I was a little girl they have always been good to me and my family. My work environment is such that I can avoid when needed- which is hardly never as he is never at my work- this was a special occasion that will not be repeated. OM is a really, really good friend. I was referring to him as my friend here on LS but that got people confused so I switched to OM to avoid the confusion. Seems its still confusing. It’s only truly emotionally traumatic for me when he and I talk or touch. I can’t let that happen so I’m going to avoid. I am they type of person who HATES to avoid but I just do not see any other way… I wanted to add that I don't want to have one more heartfelt conversation with him so I'm not going to talk about going NC with him. I'm just going to go LC with him...avoid, avoid, avoid...and that sorta hurts me to know that this will hurt him...but I just can't see any other way. I am sorry you had to hide to avoid the OM at a workplace event, but I think your self-preservation instincts kicked in. And that is a good thing! You were trying to protect yourself and your feelings by reducing your exposure to him, even if you started to feel stupid in doing so. Always trust you gut, your blink, your initial response, your setting of boundary. Especially in the workplace. My fWS had a 1.5 year EA/PA with a work colleague. They thought they were so clever in their deception, and that nobody knew. But certainly every woman in that building knew of the inappropriateness of their relationship. Some men too! We have radar for that!
Author someday Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 I’m on this forum because this impacts my marriage. I want to keep my marriage and to do that I need to not speak to OM, I need to get him out of my mind….and I’m not entirely sure I can do that but I will make every effort to do that. I would rather focus on my M than on my EA so I am going to keep posting here in this section. My H knows that our M has been, is and may still be in jeopardy. It has been for awhile. If you want some details you can search me here. At times my M seems unbearable and other times it’s the most wonderful thing. When my H is not trying to control me, when he’s secure in himself, when he’s not in one of his moods my M is great. Every so often, sometimes more often, he’s a complete ass….and that’s when I want to run, kick him out, D him...when I would rather be single. We’ve got two teens and a 2 yo baby that lives with us. We’ve been M’ed for nearly 20 yrs. He had an A about 4 yrs ago and an A about 19 yrs ago before we had children. He’s been physically abusive to me in the past- long time ago and never repeated. He’s broken my things in our home when he’s been angry with me (for what? He was drunk and getting mean so I took our kids and left for a day- when I got home my house was a mess- many of my things were broken. That was 10 yrs ago). But he’s also the very best man in the world. He loves me and our kids. He works hard to provide for us. Mostly always he’s kind, thoughtful and considerate….but then once in awhile he flies off…I never really know when or why or what…..but that behavior has really changed since I took him back after the last A…gawd I sound like a bad romance novel. Yuk. The family I was speaking of is OM’s siblings his W was not present. In all honesty both of these men love me and I love them both but there is one man that I am M’ed to and one man that I want to remain M’ed to. I need to get this worked out in my head. I found LS and thought that this would be a good place to keep track of myself. OM will not contact me…I don’t think he will, but…nope. It doesn’t matter if he does contact me because I’ve made up my mind. I want to keep my M. My H will not go to IC or MC. He’s getting better at communication. He’s getting better at managing his emotions. He’s honest with me.
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