anthony80 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I want to get some opinions here on the state of my marriage, and maybe give me a heads up on where it is headed. I'll break it into 3 issues. She's 28, I'm 31. We were engaged in October of 2008 and married in May of 2009. I wanted to be engaged for a year before we tied the knot but she wanted to fast track our wedding earlier in the summer. (probably a bad sign!) Issue 1 - Sex: About 5 months before our wedding, she wanted to be abstinent because of religious reasons and I obliged (even though I did find it a bit ridiculous because we were sexually active nearly everyday prior to engagement). Little did I know that this six month break from sex would literally kill her sex drive. We've been married a year now and I don't think we've even gone through a box of condoms. There have been points in our relationship where I have come on to her and she has literally shuddered. She doesn't even like a random hug from me. Not a good sign. This really destroyed my confidence. She claims that the amounts of hours I put into work and into my hobby of running (my training takes up about 11 hrs. per week) has left no time for romance (which is the basis for sex according to her) - but I think there is more to this. Issue 2 - Depression, Health, and Career: My wife suffers from depression, she's on meds and visits a psychologist. Because of her inability to handle stress, her body has taken a turn for the worse. She has frequent back and neck pain and visits a chiropractor, general practitioner, and a masseuse. She is in pain every other day with stomach issues, so she also visits a gastroenterologist bi-weekly. She has gained nearly 30 lbs since our wedding - which is obviously a touchy subject. She also hates her job, but doesn't put much effort into looking for a new one. Issue 3 - Children: I am asked three times a week in regards to when we should have kids. I am not ready for them, but she wants them NOW (I suspect because all of her co-workers are getting pregnant and she is jealous). At this point, with all of the other issues that we have, is becoming a mother a good idea for her considering all the personal mind/body issues that she deals with? I am left wondering how capable she is as mother if she can't get her own life together... We went to marriage counseling about 6 months after our wedding day....and it gave us mixed results. Sometimes it was more harm than good. I have been supportive of my wife. Quick to provide that backrub or that emotional rescue when she starts sobbing about how tough her life is but lately it has been increasingly difficult. Our marriage is totally consumed by her personal issues and I'm growing to resent her. When I do get my escape, which is exercise, she drops subtle hints that it better not conflict with her schedule (I suspect that she really doesn't give a damn whether I come home or not because our evenings together are uneventful, it's more about having control). In short, I feel guilty for everything I do. I try to give romance and sex, but I'm pushed away. I come home to give support as much as time permits, but when I'm at home I'm criticized for not being home enough. Alright...loaded question time....what should I do?
Francesca101 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Hmm this sounds tricky. What should you do ? Have you and she managed to sit down and have a really honest conversation about the 3 issues above ? Could you try going to marriage counselling specifically about each of these 3 issues ?
Author anthony80 Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 Thanks for the response. We discussed the following topics in marriage counseling before we stopped going to the sessions. We felt that the counselor was the type to stir the pot a little too much and didn't really give us enough to take home, think about, and work on as a couple. One week she'd really side with me on everything and attack my wife, and the following week our roles would switch and I'd be taking a beating. I think the big issue in our relationship is control. My wife has to plan everything out and go by a set schedule. I do not agree with this way of living. She will welcome a child into this world even our relationship is hanging by a thread. How she have this child is a bit of a mystery considering that we don't have sex. Even though she will rant and rave that I'm allowed have a life outside our marriage, inside she really hates that my life does not revolve around her. I'm committed to her but not to the unrealistic level that she wants. And when I do show that commitment, it's not to her liking and I'm "smothering" her. I absolutely hate the state of our relationship. If there was any feasible way for me to take a three week vacation from my wife I'd do it without any hesitation.
quankanne Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 find a new counselor and talk to her doctor about the depression issues. With all the physical pain she's experiencing, it impacts her mental health ... which impacts the desire for sex. it's more than a little upsetting to hear that she wants to have a child in the midst of all these problems – surely she doesn't believe a baby is going to solve the problem? If anything, a pregnancy right now could exacerbate health problems.
hoping2heal Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I want to get some opinions here on the state of my marriage, and maybe give me a heads up on where it is headed. I'll break it into 3 issues. She's 28, I'm 31. We were engaged in October of 2008 and married in May of 2009. I wanted to be engaged for a year before we tied the knot but she wanted to fast track our wedding earlier in the summer. (probably a bad sign!) Issue 1 - Sex: About 5 months before our wedding, she wanted to be abstinent because of religious reasons and I obliged (even though I did find it a bit ridiculous because we were sexually active nearly everyday prior to engagement). Little did I know that this six month break from sex would literally kill her sex drive. We've been married a year now and I don't think we've even gone through a box of condoms. There have been points in our relationship where I have come on to her and she has literally shuddered. She doesn't even like a random hug from me. Not a good sign. This really destroyed my confidence. She claims that the amounts of hours I put into work and into my hobby of running (my training takes up about 11 hrs. per week) has left no time for romance (which is the basis for sex according to her) - but I think there is more to this. Issue 2 - Depression, Health, and Career: My wife suffers from depression, she's on meds and visits a psychologist. Because of her inability to handle stress, her body has taken a turn for the worse. She has frequent back and neck pain and visits a chiropractor, general practitioner, and a masseuse. She is in pain every other day with stomach issues, so she also visits a gastroenterologist bi-weekly. She has gained nearly 30 lbs since our wedding - which is obviously a touchy subject. She also hates her job, but doesn't put much effort into looking for a new one. Issue 3 - Children: I am asked three times a week in regards to when we should have kids. I am not ready for them, but she wants them NOW (I suspect because all of her co-workers are getting pregnant and she is jealous). At this point, with all of the other issues that we have, is becoming a mother a good idea for her considering all the personal mind/body issues that she deals with? I am left wondering how capable she is as mother if she can't get her own life together... We went to marriage counseling about 6 months after our wedding day....and it gave us mixed results. Sometimes it was more harm than good. I have been supportive of my wife. Quick to provide that backrub or that emotional rescue when she starts sobbing about how tough her life is but lately it has been increasingly difficult. Our marriage is totally consumed by her personal issues and I'm growing to resent her. When I do get my escape, which is exercise, she drops subtle hints that it better not conflict with her schedule (I suspect that she really doesn't give a damn whether I come home or not because our evenings together are uneventful, it's more about having control). In short, I feel guilty for everything I do. I try to give romance and sex, but I'm pushed away. I come home to give support as much as time permits, but when I'm at home I'm criticized for not being home enough. Alright...loaded question time....what should I do? Wow, you are right that is a loaded question. Firstly, let me just thank you on behalf of your future children for not giving into that. The last, and I mean LAST thing the two of you either she or you or the both of you as a couple need is children brought into this mess. Your wife seems unable to care for herself right now, I do not want to imagine the scenario when a child that requires care constantly enters the picture. Secondly, I just feel the need to say "Sorry, I am very sorry". I mean, just what an absolutely soul sucking situation you are in right now. It is understandable you would resent your wife at this point. She has become completely self absorbed in her own issues and whether she means to or not; she has a MAJOR self entitlement complex at the moment. She seems to expect that things should go her way just because. She is not a willing participant in a marriage nor a relationship, she seems to feel it is your responsibility to keep the marriage afloat while she does nothing. Are her parents still married? Do you know what kind of home life she had? I am just trying to get a footing on where this behavior may have started. Whether it is learned from what she observed and thought to be "normal" marriage behavior, or whether this is just more organic of in and within herself. You mentioned she is depressed. Is there a reason for it? Has she been through some recent trauma? Or does she just plain have a poor outlook on life? Has she always been the type of person to sit and feel bad about a situation she is not happy with vs. changing it? I mean, it is hard to understand her perspective either without knowing the cause of her depression and what she was like prior to marriage. You proposed and agreed to marry her for some reason, so she was a completely different person prior to the wedding?
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