Respect others' choices

[bentnotbroken]

Certainly they do, my username is the meaning of my first name. A lot of peoples usernames define them or what they are feeling, no?

 

 

No. Some people's user names define them in totality. Some people's user names are cartoon characters and Some people user names are just words that they drew on when registering.

[pureinheart]

No. Some people's user names define them in totality. Some people's user names are cartoon characters and Some people user names are just words that they drew on when registering.

 

OMG Bent, give me a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Certainly they do, my username is the meaning of my first name. A lot of peoples usernames define them or what they are feeling, no?

 

Yes, but not always forever. When they joined, probably, but look at folks using the username "confused" in it. They aren't confused forever.. Or even my username. There are thousands of usernames, some people put thought into it, some others don't. A persons online name is just a name, it's what they say and how they are on the boards, personality shines through is what counts. I don't want to be defined by my username considering it just popped into my head when I joined up many moons ago!

[whichwayisup]

WWIU, I have been back through the infamous thread I believe you are referring to...

 

I have found the following quotes to the OP before it turned in to a bitch-fest.

 

 

 

 

 

The quotes above are the ones which, for me, came the closest to 'hey, stay with your MM, even if you're hurting'.

If you read them in context (the second is probably the most extreme) there is no one saying this particular poster should continue to accept bad treatment.

 

Yes, please do point out where there is a rationale that stays members of LS should stay with their MM regardless of the pain and suffering. FO has been asked a couple of times and hasn't yet responded.

 

This isn't a fun argument for me, I genuinely think that even those posters who go against the consensus (don't touch an MM, go NC) have the OP's best interests at heart, and it concerns me to think that what's being portrayed is that some of us don't are what a fellow member is going through, as long as they pursue their affair

 

Wow, thanks for taking the time to go back and find those quotes (I am/was too lazy to do so! )

 

Not that *I* know what is best for that poster who went back to her exMM (they have broken up again, as far as I know) but from her history with him and drama and heartache, I just couldn't encourage her to go for it in a positive way like the quoted person did. I think I said something along the lines of protect your heart/shield your heart ... Guess I'll have to go back and look.. Unless you want to for me?? (joking)

[whichwayisup]

Yes, please do point out where there is a rationale that stays members of LS should stay with their MM regardless of the pain and suffering.

It wasn't months or months to give exMM time to change his ways. HE didn't do anything differently than he did before, no behaviour changes, no home changes, still living at home, he still was offering her the same thing as before. To me, how is that different or encouragment for it work again? I just don't see it.

 

If an OW takes back her exMM over and over again, and there is no changes made, then the hurt and heartache is going to be repeated over and over again. I'm talking about most A's that are going on here, not one's like JJ's or those who are happy to just be in the A and accepted their role as the MM's OW.

[bentnotbroken]

OMG Bent, give me a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Break from what?

[Silly_Girl]

Wow, thanks for taking the time to go back and find those quotes (I am/was too lazy to do so! )

 

Not that *I* know what is best for that poster who went back to her exMM (they have broken up again, as far as I know) but from her history with him and drama and heartache, I just couldn't encourage her to go for it in a positive way like the quoted person did. I think I said something along the lines of protect your heart/shield your heart ... Guess I'll have to go back and look.. Unless you want to for me?? (joking)

 

Ha ha. I see where you're coming from WWIU, but the most pro-A post above was very much in context and response to the OP's words.

 

I do not disagree with you. My advice on that thread was in the same vein as yours. But I don't believe that just because posters aren't prescribing NC and getting all anti-A that they are, by default, saying 'Yay! Nice one. Hang in there with MM, stick it out'. I don't see that in any of that thread. Bit that's what I think is being insinuated. We talk about some posters being pro-M but I don't see rafts of pro-A posts. WWIU, any 'you' ref is general

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, but not always forever. When they joined, probably, but look at folks using the username "confused" in it. They aren't confused forever.. Or even my username. There are thousands of usernames, some people put thought into it, some others don't. A persons online name is just a name, it's what they say and how they are on the boards, personality shines through is what counts. I don't want to be defined by my username considering it just popped into my head when I joined up many moons ago!

 

 

My point exactly.

[whichwayisup]

My point exactly.

 

Just glad I didn't have my username as "whichwayisdown"........

[whichwayisup]

Ha ha. I see where you're coming from WWIU, but the most pro-A post above was very much in context and response to the OP's words.

 

I do not disagree with you. My advice on that thread was in the same vein as yours. But I don't believe that just because posters aren't prescribing NC and getting all anti-A that they are, by default, saying 'Yay! Nice one. Hang in there with MM, stick it out'. I don't see that in any of that thread. Bit that's what I think is being insinuated. We talk about some posters being pro-M but I don't see rafts of pro-A posts. WWIU, any 'you' ref is general

I totally see what you're saying. And you are right too. There are extremes but no real examples ATM.

[jennie-jennie]

I have never seen any OW on LS tell any other OW to remain in an A that was causing her pain. Please provide examples.

 

There is one, recently actually within the past couple of weeks. An OW A ended, she was hurting, fed up, done.. In NC, exMM contacted her after many weeks of NC and she willing went back to the A, albeit she said she was going to be more aware, but she wanted it. Sorry, but I was one who told her she was making a mistake by choosing to go back to the A, as did many others, including alot of OW. There was one OW who DID encourage her to follow her heart and give it a try, given the bad stuff that recently happened and led to the break up. If you truly need to me to find that post and thread, I will, but it's easy to figure it out.

 

I suppose you are referring to me and Karma, but sorry, that is not an example of an OW on LS telling an other OW "to remain in an A that was causing her pain". My impression of Karma, especially in that thread, was that the benefits outweighed the consequences, otherwise I would never have encouraged her to remain in the EMR.

 

Originally posted by KarmasTestDummy

I'll be honest...I haven't gathered anymore strength thus far, but I have gone in fully aware and no delusions. Eyes wide open is a little nice. I Enjoy the time we talk and spend together. I don't know how to turn my back on my own pleasures and desire. Ultimately I know it's not enough, and there's not enough trust there anymore to pursue a future...but I'm just here trying to be honest with you guys and let you know I had the setback so I'm not too ashamed to continue here for support.

 

Originally posted by jennie-jennie

The benefits outweigh the consequences. You've done the calculation. Now enjoy, with eyes wide open. Sounds good to me.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=251473

 

As I have stated before, this is my approach to whether an OW should stay in an EMR or not:

 

You need to weigh the benefits against the consequences, all the time keeping in mind that your relationship may never go beyond being an extramarital relationship. If you don't think what you have today is worth it in and by itself, then you should reconsider being in the relationship at all.

 

Sure, there is a possibility your MM might leave his marriage in the future, but that is all it is, a possibility.

 

To me, our love is worth it. :love:

[jennie-jennie]

She was a mother, now she is a stepmother(a term I completely hate)so in she is a new mother to some children who appeared to have needed some stability in their lives.

 

And FooledOnce is married, a mother, a stepmother, and had her affair I believe 13 (?) years ago.

[fooled once]

First of all, I thought there were rules about NOT bringing up other people's posts in a current thread? I know that Tony has strongly stated this is not acceptable. Not sure why those are being brought up

 

I use this term and have since I can remember, so in the event you are referring to me when I use this term...when I say this AND it is obvious according to the context of the reply that hang in there, means be cool, stay cool. I would never advice for a poster to stay in an abusive R....ever!!!!!!

 

No, I wasn't even thinking of you when I wrote this Never said you would advise someone to stay in an abusive relationship.....

 

It's interesting that you've mentioned that.

 

You've surely defined yourself in that way on LS, though, by the choice of your username, no?

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

Actually no, my username has nothing to do with my prior history. It was an inside joke between me and my friend who was a member here years ago when she directed me to this site and I joined up. Nice try though

 

What exactly are you trying to imply Elin? If you have something to say to me, please feel free to PM me instead of threadjacking this thread with taking shots at me

 

No. User name????:confused:How is that a definition of a person?

 

Exactly.

 

There is one, recently actually within the past couple of weeks. An OW A ended, she was hurting, fed up, done.. In NC, exMM contacted her after many weeks of NC and she willing went back to the A, albeit she said she was going to be more aware, but she wanted it. Sorry, but I was one who told her she was making a mistake by choosing to go back to the A, as did many others, including alot of OW. There was one OW who DID encourage her to follow her heart and give it a try, given the bad stuff that recently happened and led to the break up. If you truly need to me to find that post and thread, I will, but it's easy to figure it out.

 

More than one in the last 6 months.

 

Even one former OW who was given grief over not loving her cheating MM enough to stay and put up with it. I haven't seen her around in a bit, guess she was chased off by the current OW's who put her down That's sad.

 

No. Some people's user names define them in totality. Some people's user names are cartoon characters and Some people user names are just words that they drew on when registering.

 

Agree. I am a member at other sites and have used my actual name there, which turned out to be a mistake. Some really crazy f*cked up people in this world. Will never make that mistake again.

 

As I explained above, my username was an inside joke between me and a friend - had nothing to do with the affair I was in. I think it is ridiculous to imply that people's usernames are representatives of who they are. Just ridiculous.

[jennie-jennie]

Wow, thanks for taking the time to go back and find those quotes (I am/was too lazy to do so! )

 

I'd rather you would post direct quotes next time, thank you.

 

Not that *I* know what is best for that poster who went back to her exMM (they have broken up again, as far as I know) but from her history with him and drama and heartache, I just couldn't encourage her to go for it in a positive way like the quoted person did. I think I said something along the lines of protect your heart/shield your heart ... Guess I'll have to go back and look.. Unless you want to for me?? (joking)

"Not that *I* know what is best for that poster" - exactly. That is why I always encourage posters to make the judgment themselves whether to stay or go. (My impression was that Karma had already made her own judgment to stay, as you can see from my post to her.)

[whichwayisup]

Are you kidding me? You are irked that I didn't go and look up those posts? I wasn't going to, only if someone wanted me to, but SG did me a favour which was nice of her to dig back and find them.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3116690&postcount=296

[bentnotbroken]

And FooledOnce is married, a mother, a stepmother, and had her affair I believe 13 (?) years ago.

 

 

You proved my point. User name means jack for most people.

[bentnotbroken]

Just glad I didn't have my username as "whichwayisdown"........

 

 

Or bentupbrokendownmess:p

[jennie-jennie]

There is one, recently actually within the past couple of weeks. An OW A ended, she was hurting, fed up, done.. In NC, exMM contacted her after many weeks of NC and she willing went back to the A, albeit she said she was going to be more aware, but she wanted it. Sorry, but I was one who told her she was making a mistake by choosing to go back to the A, as did many others, including alot of OW. There was one OW who DID encourage her to follow her heart and give it a try, given the bad stuff that recently happened and led to the break up. If you truly need to me to find that post and thread, I will, but it's easy to figure it out.

 

Are you kidding me? You are irked that I didn't go and look up those posts? I wasn't going to, only if someone wanted me to, but SG did me a favour which was nice of her to dig back and find them.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3116690&postcount=296

 

As you stated yourself, "it's easy to figure it out". My opinion is that rather than insinuating something about another LS poster stating enough that most LS posters understand who you are referring to, it is better to talk straight forward and link to or quote the posts in question so everybody can read them and make their own judgment.

[jennie-jennie]

You proved my point. User name means jack for most people.

 

Some user names do seem very suitable though.

[whichwayisup]

Some user names do seem very suitable though.

 

Was this shot necessary JJ? And please, don't claim you don't know what you've implied, stating that english isn't your native tongue.

[bentnotbroken]

Some user names do seem very suitable though.

 

 

No disagreement. Some do.

[pureinheart]

 

No, I wasn't even thinking of you when I wrote this Never said you would advise someone to stay in an abusive relationship.....

 

 

 

I use that term a lot, please accept my apologies:)

[pureinheart]

You proved my point. User name means jack for most people.

 

I thought it was SOME:p:p:p:p

[pureinheart]

Yes, but not always forever. When they joined, probably, but look at folks using the username "confused" in it. They aren't confused forever.. Or even my username. There are thousands of usernames, some people put thought into it, some others don't. A persons online name is just a name, it's what they say and how they are on the boards, personality shines through is what counts. I don't want to be defined by my username considering it just popped into my head when I joined up many moons ago!

 

I have to tell you, when first joining I saw yours and my first thought was, "wow, that is how I feel like I ask continually about life in general"...BTW, I still feel that way.

 

I just think it is a neat saying (your username)

[pureinheart]

No disagreement. Some do.

 

No reason to quote this...just to get your attention to say when I first came back, I called you BentButNotBroken, using the abbreviation BBNB...that is what I seriously saw...