siuys Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I think I already know the answer but I want to get your thoughts on this. When xMM and I parted ways (about 10 days ago), he promised he won't contact me until he's sorted his stuff out because I was having anxiety attacks. Basically, we left it at 'we'll hook up when you've sorted out your crap'. Because of this, I feel like I'm still hanging onto a hopeless situation. I have an incredible urge to text him to tell him to NEVER contact me again for whatever reason because I don't want to be with him, and I don't buy his bull**** anymore. I know I probably should just do this on my own. But I feel like I don't want to give him the satisfaction that he thinks i am waiting for him. The longer we are in NC, the more I think he's bull****ted me... What to do?
greengoddess Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 You just want to make contact. You know it will begin a conversation. Don't do it/ Keep the no contact. Why give yourself more pain by contacting him. If he ever contacts you again then you can say what you want to say.
scatterd Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I would not contact him he will get the idea if he should try to call.The longer you wait the stronger you will get.In time you willl not hurt or even care to talk to him.This is your time to get off thr roller coaster and find some stability and happiness.Ten days you have done well keep the good work up.Stay busy and think about yourself right now someday you will be thankfull you did not call.He has nothing to offer you and even if he desided to be with you how could you trust.In time he would be bored again and then you would be in his wifes shoes.I wish you well keep up the good work.
TigerCub Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I think I already know the answer but I want to get your thoughts on this. When xMM and I parted ways (about 10 days ago), he promised he won't contact me until he's sorted his stuff out because I was having anxiety attacks. Basically, we left it at 'we'll hook up when you've sorted out your crap'. Because of this, I feel like I'm still hanging onto a hopeless situation. I have an incredible urge to text him to tell him to NEVER contact me again for whatever reason because I don't want to be with him, and I don't buy his bull**** anymore. I know I probably should just do this on my own. But I feel like I don't want to give him the satisfaction that he thinks i am waiting for him. The longer we are in NC, the more I think he's bull****ted me... What to do? Hey Siuys, I know what you mean (in the bold). When I went NC with xMM for a while, the fog started to lift and I saw - well I acknowledged the plot holes in his story that I never wanted to really see before. As a result I wanted to call him out on all that crap - just so he'd know that I KNEW, that I wasn't some stupid girl that was so dumb she believed everything. To me that seemed really important. But at the same time, when I did do that, and I called him out on all that **** - yes I felt better in that regard, but it also wasn't so good because we ended up talking and blah blah and now we're at a point of LC instead of NC. My LC is working out fine for me, because I really don't have any respect for him, and therefore I have no desire to be with him anymore, but that may not be the case for you. You're still too fresh into NC. I would suggest that you just pretend that you sent him that text. Don't actually do it, and pretend that you sent it to him, and go on about your life as you have told him not to contact you ever again. Close that door (in your mind), and go about your life, do things for you and be open to meeting other people when you're ready. Don't contact him for real though, because no good can come out of it. You're doing so well now. Stay the course!
Ellin Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Hi Siuys, Your silence is enough IMO, it already is a message to him that you are keeping strong. He's probably wondering if you're still thinking about him or maybe you're moving on, so I don't think he's so sure that you're waiting for him. If you send this text, you could end up feeling more anxious. If he responds you might get thrown back into chaos and if he doesn't some part of you might be disappointed - you just don't know what conflicting emotions this might open up. If you feel you're getting stronger by staying NC then keep it that way until you feel less emotional about the whole thing. It seems to me the best way to go.
whichwayisup Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Breathe through your anxiety and this urge to text him will pass. If you don't want him to contact you there are other ways to prevent that. Change your number, change your email address, block him, avoid places that you go to where you know he will be. Be active and make it impossible for him to get ahold of you.
MorningCoffee Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Hi Siuys, Your silence is enough IMO, it already is a message to him that you are keeping strong. He's probably wondering if you're still thinking about him or maybe you're moving on, so I don't think he's so sure that you're waiting for him. If you send this text, you could end up feeling more anxious. If he responds you might get thrown back into chaos and if he doesn't some part of you might be disappointed - you just don't know what conflicting emotions this might open up. If you feel you're getting stronger by staying NC then keep it that way until you feel less emotional about the whole thing. It seems to me the best way to go. Agree. If you have such a strong urge to lay it all out there, do so -- write it all out how you want it, what you want to say, tell him off but good! But keep it for yourself! Don't send it! It's writing down the words, getting out the feelings (sometimes over and over) that helps. But stay NC for all the reasons posters have listed.
Silly_Girl Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I think I already know the answer but I want to get your thoughts on this. When xMM and I parted ways (about 10 days ago), he promised he won't contact me until he's sorted his stuff out because I was having anxiety attacks. Basically, we left it at 'we'll hook up when you've sorted out your crap'. Because of this, I feel like I'm still hanging onto a hopeless situation. I have an incredible urge to text him to tell him to NEVER contact me again for whatever reason because I don't want to be with him, and I don't buy his bull**** anymore. I know I probably should just do this on my own. But I feel like I don't want to give him the satisfaction that he thinks i am waiting for him. The longer we are in NC, the more I think he's bull****ted me... What to do? Siuys - I loved Ellin's reply btw - can I suggest you type out on your computer the text you want to send. Underneath it, type how you genuinely think he'd reply to it. Then, what would you say next?.... And so on. It's a REALLY interesting exercise (or I found it to be), and it occupies your mind and you don't send anything, but you do explore how things might go, and imagine how you'd feel at the end of that exchange. If you seriously think it'd benefit you and your healing - do it! If not, think about it for another couple of days
Author siuys Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 Thank you all. I had another crap night - too much thinking, too much mental tug-of-war over xMM. What a frigging waste of life! I calmed down so I won't text him. I noticed the feelings are very much like when I craved for a cigarette. i.e. an addiction, no more. I won't text him coz I know I'll be opening a can of worms. Plus I just realised that he can flipping wonder about it, like I've had to wonder. I guess the hardest thing is to COMMIT to a decision. I did it before, but for some reason find it very hard this time round. my head goes round in round and then I catch myself and remind myself to stop thinking because at the end of the day, it's very simple – nothing's changed, it's painful and what the hell do you want this guy for anyway?!?!?!
East7 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I I have an incredible urge to text him to tell him to NEVER contact me again for whatever reason because I don't want to be with him, and I don't buy his bull**** anymore. Actions speak louder than words. When you don't answer or contact him it means "I'm not interested" period. Silence speaks for you. If you send him the message what will happen is like a "domino effect", he will answer stirring your feelings, you will answer back and so on...You will be back to square one, or you will crack and resume the A which is not going to change anything.
Mimolicious Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I think I already know the answer but I want to get your thoughts on this. When xMM and I parted ways (about 10 days ago), he promised he won't contact me until he's sorted his stuff out because I was having anxiety attacks. Basically, we left it at 'we'll hook up when you've sorted out your crap'. Because of this, I feel like I'm still hanging onto a hopeless situation. I have an incredible urge to text him to tell him to NEVER contact me again for whatever reason because I don't want to be with him, and I don't buy his bull**** anymore. I know I probably should just do this on my own. But I feel like I don't want to give him the satisfaction that he thinks i am waiting for him. The longer we are in NC, the more I think he's bull****ted me... What to do? My friend- that "Don't contact me again" can have a total opposite meaning. My $0.02 don't do it. Opens the avenue of communication... But do what puts you at ease. Who am I to say different.
Author siuys Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 You're right, East. When I last saw him I did say I will not stay in this toxic situation so I better stick to my word. He also said he will be disciplined and not contact me - so far so good. Actually, for the first time, he's actually done something difficult. Ok, it hasn't been that long, but 10 days is still 10 days. I also need to be patient with myself and not kid myself about getting over someone and an R like this in 10 days. In fact, I'd be curious how I'd feel say by Christmas.
BB07 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 siuys, try to keep in mind why you initially wanted to get out of it to start with and that will help carry you through a difficult time. There is a better side.......and you will get there, but you have to walk through it to find it.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Definately don't text him. If you "tell him off" like that (which doesn't have the same effect through text!) it will cause even more pain and drama. Prove to him that you don't want him by staying away. The longer you stay away, the easier it will get.
jj33 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Love Ellin's reply as well. The best way to show someone you arent speaking to them is to not speak to them. Speaking to them tells them you want their attention. That being said I can appreciate that you want to be sure you wont be blindsided by him in a week or a month just after youve gotten him out of your system. But if you can help it, dont. It doesnt make anything any better. NC is not a short term thing. You have to assume hes not coming back. If he does and you are still interested, then you will see whats up. If its meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, try to heal yourself and move on. If hes the man for you he will show up before you have moved on. If you have moved on and are in a better relationship (hard as that may be to imagine right now) then the world will be just as it should be.
halemeno Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I don't have anything to add except another "don't do it!" I've been stupid enough to make this mistake a couple of times -- every time he hurts me, I want him to know that he has. But it accomplishes nothing but making me look like a silly little girl who's hanging all over him. Honestly, it made me feel embarrassed and ashamed to participate in breaking NC, and I regret it. He's got all the power, and he knows it. When I responded to his break in NC, I told him that I was angry for falling in love with a married guy, and he replied with, "Don't worry, I like you too." I felt like a pile of nothing. (Of course, I also quickly found out that the only reason he contacted me was to again ask for a threesome, but that's another issue.) Stay strong! He doesn't deserve a word from you.
Author siuys Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 Thank you all once again. You have no idea how much this helps. I won't contact him. I know it's early days so am still struggling. Am a little surprised I feel like I've slipped back to day 1 with the no sleep and loss of appetite. I was doing well for a little while... Halemeno, i cannot believe he said what he said. my gosh you deserve so much more. We all do. I think MMs and MWs will NEVER know how it feels unless they have been in a similar situation. I am sure xMM isn't losing sleep over me. Not in a f*cked up way that I do anyway. Threesome... wow. What a jerk. That's all he wanted? Far out. Tell him to find a dog. Bloody hell that pisses me off even just reading it!
Author siuys Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 You know, I also just realised something (I know, am a bit slow)... by his inaction he has ALREADY made a choice... i just chose not to see it... how blind I was.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Thank you all once again. You have no idea how much this helps. I won't contact him. I know it's early days so am still struggling. Am a little surprised I feel like I've slipped back to day 1 with the no sleep and loss of appetite. I was doing well for a little while... You'll have good days and bad days. The key is to get through the bad days anyway you can. Hang in there!!!
jwi71 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Thank you all. I had another crap night - too much thinking, too much mental tug-of-war over xMM. What a frigging waste of life! I calmed down so I won't text him. I noticed the feelings are very much like when I craved for a cigarette. i.e. an addiction, no more. No...go on and text him. Ask him, beg him, plead with him, be rational with him, pour your heart out. Again. Because this time it will be different. I won't text him coz I know I'll be opening a can of worms. Plus I just realised that he can flipping wonder about it, like I've had to wonder. Better still...ask him to meet you so you can talk face to face. Ask him, beg him, plead with him, be rational with him, pour your heart out. Again. Because this time it will be different. I guess the hardest thing is to COMMIT to a decision. I did it before, but for some reason find it very hard this time round. my head goes round in round and then I catch myself and remind myself to stop thinking because at the end of the day, it's very simple – nothing's changed, it's painful and what the hell do you want this guy for anyway?!?!?! Scratch that itch. Text, call, meet...maybe invite him into your bed again. Ask him, beg him, plead with him, be rational with him, pour your heart out. Again. Because this time it will be different. Right?
fooled once Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I think I already know the answer but I want to get your thoughts on this. When xMM and I parted ways (about 10 days ago), he promised he won't contact me until he's sorted his stuff out because I was having anxiety attacks. Basically, we left it at 'we'll hook up when you've sorted out your crap'. Because of this, I feel like I'm still hanging onto a hopeless situation. I have an incredible urge to text him to tell him to NEVER contact me again for whatever reason because I don't want to be with him, and I don't buy his bull**** anymore. I know I probably should just do this on my own. But I feel like I don't want to give him the satisfaction that he thinks i am waiting for him. The longer we are in NC, the more I think he's bull****ted me... What to do? Hi Siuys, Your silence is enough IMO, it already is a message to him that you are keeping strong. He's probably wondering if you're still thinking about him or maybe you're moving on, so I don't think he's so sure that you're waiting for him. If you send this text, you could end up feeling more anxious. If he responds you might get thrown back into chaos and if he doesn't some part of you might be disappointed - you just don't know what conflicting emotions this might open up. If you feel you're getting stronger by staying NC then keep it that way until you feel less emotional about the whole thing. It seems to me the best way to go. Great post! Siuys - I loved Ellin's reply btw - can I suggest you type out on your computer the text you want to send. Underneath it, type how you genuinely think he'd reply to it. Then, what would you say next?.... And so on. It's a REALLY interesting exercise (or I found it to be), and it occupies your mind and you don't send anything, but you do explore how things might go, and imagine how you'd feel at the end of that exchange. If you seriously think it'd benefit you and your healing - do it! If not, think about it for another couple of days Good idea too! Thank you all once again. You have no idea how much this helps. I won't contact him. I know it's early days so am still struggling. Am a little surprised I feel like I've slipped back to day 1 with the no sleep and loss of appetite. I was doing well for a little while... Halemeno, i cannot believe he said what he said. my gosh you deserve so much more. We all do. I think MMs and MWs will NEVER know how it feels unless they have been in a similar situation. I am sure xMM isn't losing sleep over me. Not in a f*cked up way that I do anyway. Threesome... wow. What a jerk. That's all he wanted? Far out. Tell him to find a dog. Bloody hell that pisses me off even just reading it! Glad you worked it out You know, I also just realised something (I know, am a bit slow)... by his inaction he has ALREADY made a choice... i just chose not to see it... how blind I was. Ding ding ding! You got it!
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