browncat123 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I had posted this a while ago. Basically, my husband agreed to an open marriage (but don't ask don't tell:S). That should have been a warning sign but I take responsibility for all that has happened to our marriage. He decided to ask if I had sex with a mutual friend then everything fell apart. I had sex with a friend once and now my husband considers it cheating. We decided to work it out. He moved out for a month and came back. We spend all but one night together now (he goes out once a week on D-day). It has been almost three months since he found out. We have done the marriage builder Emotional Questionnaire. We have a set discussion night weekly to talk about the relationship. I have been open, honest, and communicating with him. I have not blamed him for this and I take full responsibility for my actions and the damage it has done. I tell him everything he wants to know. Sometimes he thinks we spend too much time apart so now once a month we take a weekend apart. We of course go through ups and downs such as last week we fought a bit. Or there is distance between us here and there. But both of us agree that overall things are moving along in the right direction. He feels more comfortable around me now. We talk more now, we are able to do things like cuddle on the couch, etc. Obviously things will take time to recover where there is love, trust, affection and such. What other things can I do to help with the recovery process? I realize this will take time, I read it takes between 2-7 years to recover/heal. He feels hurt, betrayed, angry and has a broken heart. I feel terrible for what has happened and I am trying all that I can to help heal our marriage. He doesn't want marriage counseling. I initially had phone counseling since I live overseas. He didn't want to join so I stopped after a few sessions and the counselor was going off-topic. So what can I do to help with this recovery? How can I help successfully help rebuild this marriage?
imagine Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Who proposed the open marriage? Was the proposal biased? For example: We go open or I cheat anyway. Are you still friends with OM?
imagine Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Ok. I got the details on the other thread. So you are sexually mismatched with hubby. Why should he trust you in future?
lkjh Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I think there is more to the story. Did he initiate the open marriage or did you? Also, did you have other rules like no friends? And has he been with anyone else?
Author browncat123 Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 (edited) Did he initiate the open marriage or did you? Also, did you have other rules like no friends? And has he been with anyone else? He has mentioned it before this spring/summer when I was complaining about our sex life. We didn't set up any rules besides don't ask, don't tell and not in our own home, that it shouldn't disrupt our daily routine. He has not been with anyone else to my knowledge. Who proposed the open marriage? Look above. Was the proposal biased? For example: We go open or I cheat anyway. I never mentioned it. If he had not said that "open marriage" was okay I wouldn't have done anything or sought someone out. Are you still friends with OM? Not friends with OM, ended that when I realized husband was hurt. Well right now I am trying to prove to him that I can be trusted. He will only have sex with me once a week at most and I am managing. Just realizing how much I hurt husband has kind of turned me off of sex:( A little too late unfortunately. We have some major communication issues obviously. This isn't the only issue that we've had communication issues. Now that everything has hit the fan it seems like we communicate our thoughts and feelings better...he was kind of a closed book before. Not that I ever wished for this to happen even though it's letting us communicate better. Edited November 22, 2010 by browncat123
East7 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 "Open marriage" is everything but a marriage. The most stupid thing ever existed. Why bothering staying married if the very purpose of "Open" is to go and cheat mutually each-other ?
Bryanp Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 This was a huge mistake clearly. In addition, this was done with a mutual friend which means your husband will fill hurt and embarrassed every time he has to see him. I hate to bring this up but if you had unprotected sex or any oral sex then you need to be tested for STD's for you and your husband's protection. I am just wondering if this was a possibility. Do you think that your husband just made an off the cuff comment about open marriage to get you off his case momentarily about his inability to please you and never thought that you would take this seriously? If indeed this is the case then you have no idea how you have crushed him. Just remember that for many men this is a deal breaker. I wish you luck.
wicar1 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 browncat, There's no point in this marriage.. why doesnt he get a divorce because obviously the cheating issue will remain in his head for life. Only divorce will give him some relief. Besides I think he deserves someone who's not a cheater. Wasting 5-7 years on reconciling is just a mere waste of time. That's too long to waste on the hopes of repairng the marriage. It's not worth it. May be open marriage was the first step to divorce.
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