danm3 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Hey, important background: my ex has had a very hard life, father died when she was 9, mother is an alcoholic who abandoned her. about 3 months before I met her I learned she was e-whoring herself on webcam (this isn't to pass judgement on her, it's simply to illustrate she has a low self-esteem, I know she did this because she needed validation from ANYONE) she just started college before this entire process started (im sure college played a crucial role in her sudden change) anyway: mind you, before any of this started, our relationship was unbelievably good, in fact, the weeks before this happened was our strongest ever, which is why this knocked the wind out of me even more. about 3 weeks ago my ex ended it because she "did not want to be in a long-distance relationship anymore and missed that initial feeling you get when you meet someone new" and since she's known me for 2 years she was unable to get that feeling with me anymore... anyway, despite me being AMAZING to her and literally dedicating 150% of myself to helping her in school, emotionally and getting her TONS of stuff she needed (material items), she met someone else and failed to mention she has a boyfriend.. she desperately wanted to remain friends, but I refuse to be her safety net... not only does she not deserve a good friend after this, but I want her to feel the weight of her decisions (the past 2 years I've never held her accountable for anything) basically me and my ex have been completely NC for 2 weeks... she texted me to tell me she was in the ER about 2 weeks ago, I offered concern; the next day she started talking as if we were friends, so I had to call her and let her know I did not want to be friends if she wanted to see other guys. She said "I don't want to see other guys..." And I said "what about the guy you ended us for?" and she replied "he was a mistake" I asked why, and she replied "He only wanted sex..." After she was very upset, crying, saying I'm her best friend and she has no one to talk to and that I don't know the stress she's been going through... Eventually, I relented and said I would be her friend with the condition she could not date other guys whilst we were friends, she was hesitant but agreed. We hung out that night and watched a show and talked... When she went to bed the guilt of what I've done hit me, I realized I was just being used for companionship until she found someone else at which point I'd become the latter. The next day I wrote her this email: you're at a stage in your life where you want to experience life, rightfully so i am too emotionally attached to you to be friends and it is unfair of me to limit what you do you're clearly at a stage in your life where you cannot fully emotionally commit to me the best thing you can do is experience life right now you have my best wishes and most sincere and heartfelt love A day later she finally read the email (she was with her sister the whole day) and said "ok I read your email but can I just tell you something?" I didn't respond, and that was the last communication from her... I'm experiencing just a roller-coaster of emotions... Sometimes I feel lucky and self-assured, and other times I feel afraid of losing her. I just keep reassuring myself that she is extremely emotionally immature and probably doesn't even know what she really wants. I mean, she lost her best friend, someone who was better to her than anyone has ever been for some random kid looking to get laid... Embarrassing story for her to tell. I keep hoping she'll text me and tell me that she made a big mistake... but it's only been like 3 weeks since this whole terrible process started, I doubt that's nearly enough time for her to gain a healthy perspective. It's awkward, because I did absolutely nothing wrong to allow this to happen -- in fact, I feel as though I'm being punished for being too good (she said the last time we talked that our relationship was "too safe"... seriously?) My main source of comfort is that I'm doing the right thing and maintaining my self-respect through NC
twinrexes Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Look at her background. She has a fear of being abandoned. Her parents both abandoned her in one way or the other. People who choose LDR's usually do so because they don't offer the same kind of close connection that you get with someone you can actually reach out and touch. And that makes them feel safe. See, if you get really close to someone then abandonment/rejection would be way too painful. So long distance felt safe. But then maybe you were TOO good to her? Made her feel TOO loved and connected? Started to feel scary. So she defines it as "too safe" and backs away. She's going to have huge problems with connection and commitment because of her past. I wish you luck!
Author danm3 Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 anyone have any assessments of her? can anyone relate?
Don Ho Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Bro, there's no reason to "assess" her, it isn't going to change her or your situation. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you never get involved with a woman that is a "fixer". You will spend all your time (as you have done) trying to console her, support her, help her, counsel her and so on. You will end up empty and still with a broken woman. BTW, yes I can relate, I had a woman like this 20 years ago. The attraction and the sex was awesome. It was like a drug. She ended up cheating on me and giving me an STD. Luckily Rx handled that one. As much as it hurts, the best thing to do is move on. You will find another one with the same passion .... and one that's not broken. Good luck!
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