BrokenIntoBits Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I'm devastated by my recent (+3 months) breakup with my girlfriend of +3 years. We were fighting a LOT and basically she said enough is enough. We did not talk for about 2 months. I broke the silence - tried for a second chance and have been emailing back and forth with her, but the email responses are always very delayed. It's making me crazy. Some of her emails are ambiguous - "we'll see where things take us" type stuff. She says she still loves me but this is killing me and I literally feel like I am going INSANE. I am not stupid and actions speak louder than words.. It is quite clear she is moving on. I guess this is obvious since she broke it off. I know I need to cut off contact to maintain sanity -- and possibly get her back. So my question is how do I officially initiate NC? I have a bunch of her property (valuable) still. I think in a way neither of us is acknowledging her stuff is still here. Deep down I think it is a bit of an insurance policy if you will. Always a way back - while she slowly slips away. Do I arrange to give it back and tell her that I don't want to talk anymore in person? Do I tell her I don't want to talk anymore and arrange to give it back? I don't want to be mean. I am still madly in love with her and obsessed with all the mistakes I made. How do people usually initiate NC? Do you say I love you and if you want to try again I'll be here for you if you change your mind? Or what? Thank you for reading.
Mr EX Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Im in the same situation buddy, my ex left me about 2 weeks ago and left all her stuff in our apartment except for some immediate clothing. She made it clear that we were through a few days after the breakup and has not made any contact with me since. I have also have not made any contact with her aswell, and been a nightmare ever since. I thought as long she still has her things here i can hang onto hope, truth is Im only holding on to her stuff. I find it to be rather insulting at this point. Im going to text her tommorow to come get her things this week. I wish you the best of luck with your situation, although I advise you do the same. I think they do this to keep us around as a plan b. It hurts like nothing else cause your life is put on hold and it only delays the healing further. We deserve better.
Am4Real Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I'm devastated by my recent (+3 months) breakup with my girlfriend of +3 years. We were fighting a LOT and basically she said enough is enough. We did not talk for about 2 months. I broke the silence - tried for a second chance and have been emailing back and forth with her, but the email responses are always very delayed. It's making me crazy. Some of her emails are ambiguous - "we'll see where things take us" type stuff. She says she still loves me but this is killing me and I literally feel like I am going INSANE. I am not stupid and actions speak louder than words.. It is quite clear she is moving on. I guess this is obvious since she broke it off. I know I need to cut off contact to maintain sanity -- and possibly get her back. So my question is how do I officially initiate NC? I have a bunch of her property (valuable) still. I think in a way neither of us is acknowledging her stuff is still here. Deep down I think it is a bit of an insurance policy if you will. Always a way back - while she slowly slips away. Do I arrange to give it back and tell her that I don't want to talk anymore in person? Do I tell her I don't want to talk anymore and arrange to give it back? I don't want to be mean. I am still madly in love with her and obsessed with all the mistakes I made. How do people usually initiate NC? Do you say I love you and if you want to try again I'll be here for you if you change your mind? Or what? Thank you for reading. First before you even decide to go NO CONTACT you have to know what you want. NO CONTACT is a method for you healing and moving on, it is not a clever scheme to win her back. We know of cases where an EX has shown an interest after NO CONTACT has been initiated, however for the most part it is simply out of their own curiosity being elevated once the begging and pleading stop from the DUMPEE– the DUMPER wants to know why the communications stops and calls the DUMPEE. Happens all the time and almost always leads no where! If you decide you’ve had enough, you want to move on, you want to heal and no matter how much you miss her (and it hurts) you’ve realized already that if she wanted you she would be with you right now, then it’s time to begin your healing. I would box up and label each box with the contents. Once it’s boxed I would contact her with the following message: Tell her you are ready to move on with your life Tell her you no longer wish to initiate or receive any contact from her and will not initate any contact as well. Tell her you have her belongs boxed up and ready for pick up. At a time convenient for everyone have her pick up her belongs WHEN YOU ARE NOT THERE. You do not need the drama of seeing her and watching her haul all of her things away. If it is easier, perhaps you can have her belongs delivered to the place she currently resides or her parent’s home or the home of a friend of hers. Wherever it is, it should be delivered by a third party if possible and certainly a location where you two will not see each other if you need to deliver it yourself. If what you really want is to move on then you will not have too much difficulty in setting your mind to this task. If you’re still laying out hope she comes back around you are in for much difficulty and a lot more pain before things get better, I suspect. Best wishes, Am4Real
Brandi 2 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 First before you even decide to go NO CONTACT you have to know what you want. NO CONTACT is a method for you healing and moving on, it is not a clever scheme to win her back. We know of cases where an EX has shown an interest after NO CONTACT has been initiated, however for the most part it is simply out of their own curiosity being elevated once the begging and pleading stop from the DUMPEE– the DUMPER wants to know why the communications stops and calls the DUMPEE. Happens all the time and almost always leads no where! If you decide you’ve had enough, you want to move on, you want to heal and no matter how much you miss her (and it hurts) you’ve realized already that if she wanted you she would be with you right now, then it’s time to begin your healing. I would box up and label each box with the contents. Once it’s boxed I would contact her with the following message: Tell her you are ready to move on with your life Tell her you no longer wish to initiate or receive any contact from her and will not initate any contact as well. Tell her you have her belongs boxed up and ready for pick up.At a time convenient for everyone have her pick up her belongs WHEN YOU ARE NOT THERE. You do not need the drama of seeing her and watching her haul all of her things away. If it is easier, perhaps you can have her belongs delivered to the place she currently resides or her parent’s home or the home of a friend of hers. Wherever it is, it should be delivered by a third party if possible and certainly a location where you two will not see each other if you need to deliver it yourself. If what you really want is to move on then you will not have too much difficulty in setting your mind to this task. If you’re still laying out hope she comes back around you are in for much difficulty and a lot more pain before things get better, I suspect. Best wishes, Am4Real Sorry Mr EX. This is a really good response Am4Real
Author BrokenIntoBits Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 First before you even decide to go NO CONTACT you have to know what you want. NO CONTACT is a method for you healing and moving on, it is not a clever scheme to win her back. We know of cases where an EX has shown an interest after NO CONTACT has been initiated, however for the most part it is simply out of their own curiosity being elevated once the begging and pleading stop from the DUMPEE– the DUMPER wants to know why the communications stops and calls the DUMPEE. Happens all the time and almost always leads no where! If you decide you’ve had enough, you want to move on, you want to heal and no matter how much you miss her (and it hurts) you’ve realized already that if she wanted you she would be with you right now, then it’s time to begin your healing. I would box up and label each box with the contents. Once it’s boxed I would contact her with the following message: Tell her you are ready to move on with your lifeTell her you no longer wish to initiate or receive any contact from her and will not initate any contact as well.Tell her you have her belongs boxed up and ready for pick up. At a time convenient for everyone have her pick up her belongs WHEN YOU ARE NOT THERE. You do not need the drama of seeing her and watching her haul all of her things away. If it is easier, perhaps you can have her belongs delivered to the place she currently resides or her parent’s home or the home of a friend of hers. Wherever it is, it should be delivered by a third party if possible and certainly a location where you two will not see each other if you need to deliver it yourself. If what you really want is to move on then you will not have too much difficulty in setting your mind to this task. If you’re still laying out hope she comes back around you are in for much difficulty and a lot more pain before things get better, I suspect. Best wishes, Am4Real Thank you for your response Am4Real. I guess I do understand that NC is not a clever scheme to win her back. I guess there is no trick - like you said she would be back if she wanted to be. I am ready to move on. There is no reason to continue to hope. I know this will hurt. I've been through a pretty devastating breakup before. It took me, although I am embarrassed to admit this, a good 4 years last time. That one did come back and only 4 years later did I realize she was not right for me. I do not want to feel sorry for myself, halting my life, for that long ever again. I am going to take your advice on the boxing up stuff, to be honest I kind of wanted to see her to return the stuff, but I realize this will just prolong the pain. Thanks again for your kind reply.
Author BrokenIntoBits Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 Im in the same situation buddy, my ex left me about 2 weeks ago and left all her stuff in our apartment except for some immediate clothing. She made it clear that we were through a few days after the breakup and has not made any contact with me since. I have also have not made any contact with her aswell, and been a nightmare ever since. I thought as long she still has her things here i can hang onto hope, truth is Im only holding on to her stuff. I find it to be rather insulting at this point. Im going to text her tommorow to come get her things this week. I wish you the best of luck with your situation, although I advise you do the same. I think they do this to keep us around as a plan b. It hurts like nothing else cause your life is put on hold and it only delays the healing further. We deserve better. Sorry to hear. It does hurt like hell but you are right we do deserve better! Good luck, I believe Am4Real has a great response on this thread.
Am4Real Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 The four years it took you to get over your last relationship (and whatever time it takes to get over this one) is not an embarrassment, you need not feel that way. Time is a factor in the healing process but it is NOT a measurement of your healing progress. Does that make sense to you? You will find the majority of experienced posters will advise the dumpee to break all ties with their former partner (call it NO CONTACT if you like); the primary reason is to heal one’s self from the emotional pain and demonstrative dependency for their former companion. This break of ties allows you to focus on yourself, to put yourself in the more than likely great emotional condition you were at a time long before this relationship started. I very much concur with such thinking but add this thought as it might certainly apply in your situation… As you heal yourself emotionally and perhaps address your physical well-being at the same time, your confidence will become stronger than it is today. With that confidence will come the attractiveness you portray to others, especially the opposite sex. This is the condition you were in before you met your EX and this is the condition that will help you get past the feelings you have today. While the memories of your EX may linger, your dependency on them will diminish as your confidence progresses.So how else can you address confidence? Try keeping an electronic record of your daily thoughts and emotion on your computer (presuming it’s secure and not available to anyone else). Record your heart-felt emotions each day; what you’re thinking; what you surmise about the relationship or something related to this situation. At the end of the week go back and read your notes…a couple of things are likely to occur… Often we as humans keep processing negative thoughts over and over in our minds as we try to resolve them. For example have you ever had a bad dream and your mind keeps playing the same scene over and over and over again until you wake up? Or perhaps you’ve experienced thinking about a presentation you have to make where all you can think about is how you will address the audience in the first ten seconds or so while you keep rehearsing the scene in your head over and over and over. This is your mind trying to resolve a recognized dilemma. Wouldn’t you love to clear out your mind or rid it of this processing burden for some time to come? This is the role of the electronic diary. It acts like a “brain dump” as you pour all of these thoughts onto your keyboard, pen or whatever method you decide to try. In a way you are clearing out your cerebral buffer, not totally, but allowing the transfer process to help you separate from the constant processing of memories and other situational dependencies. Additionally, review your past notes at the end of the week; this will help you determine if you are progressing in your healing as events that seemed catastrophic to you at one time are now records on paper with less effect. For most this process continues for a few weeks giving way to eventual boredom with the entire subject. Reading your notes and reviewing your thoughts will eventually become boring to you. Trust me it will. At that stage the pillars for the healing process have been set and you are well on your way. Best wishes in whatever method you work with, Am4Real
J Wool Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I had a similar situation. When I read about NC I started using it as a way of getting her back but I found out that it was more helping me in healing. However she did a dreadful thing: emailed, out of the blue to tell me she is dating. It's like the hurt starts all over again, immediately I disappeared off her radar...I'm feeling much better now. Thx to NC.
GreenPolicy Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I'm in kind of the same boat. She dumped me. She has a paperback book of mine that it is not worth trying to collect. I, however, have a very nice bike of hers that she has made no attempt to collect. She has maintained NC for 38 days the entirety of the breakup, I have maintained NC for 22. I thought the best course of action is to wait for her to contact me to collect the bike.
GorillaTheater Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 If you want to minimize contact, and aren't too crazy about her being in your place (whether or not you're there at the time), I'd box up her stuff, take it to a storage unit, pay a month's rent, and mail her the key together with info as to when the rent's due.
Am4Real Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 If you want to minimize contact, and aren't too crazy about her being in your place (whether or not you're there at the time), I'd box up her stuff, take it to a storage unit, pay a month's rent, and mail her the key together with info as to when the rent's due. Excellent, excellent, excellent method for returning items. Please start a thread and title it "HOW TO RETURN ITEMS TO YOUR EX AND STILL MAINTAIN NO CONTACT" It would be a very worthwhile contribution to the members of LoveShack. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. Am4Real
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