confuzed25 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 For 2 months now I have been "seeing" this guy. He seems to be a wonderful and honest man and I completely respect how honest and upfront hes been with me. We met on a dating site and he made it clear from the beginning that hes looking to date but is not looking for anything serious. He explained to me that he was in a 4 year relationship and was engaged to be married next summer. They broke it off 4 months ago. He says he is not looking for a friends with benefits and is not looking to date multiple girls. He is exactly what I am looking for in a man....I am very picky and with this guy I have a very hard time finding any faults. Hes hard working, handsome, owns his own house, is polite and respectful. He calls me not every day but every 2-3 days. If I call him and he doesnt answer and doesnt call me back until the next day he will apologize and explain that he was at work. When we make plans he has never cancelled or tried to change the time. He always picks me up at my house, always insists on paying no matter how much I argue with him. I went out last evening with friends and I had invited him to meet up with us. He said he was going out with some friends already but maybe they would meet up with us later. I was fully expecting him to just go out with his buddies and I wouldnt see him but he texted me and asked me where I was and said he was coming there. So then I figured he would talk to me a bit and go off with his friends but he stayed by me the whole night and even when his friends left to go somewhere else he stayed there with me. He got along great with my friends and their boyfriends. I am really into this guy and the more I get to know him the more impressed I am at how genuine and respectful of a guy he is. Usually you can catch a man in a lie but everything he has said has seemed to hold up as the truth. There is one huge problem though....the question of what his intentions are with me. We hang out 1-2 times per week, he always says he had a great time before he drops me off at home, he always insists on paying. But there is no physical contact at all. I have kissed him a couple times but it was my move and he didnt seem all that into it so I stopped trying. He has not made a move at all. When we lay on the couch to watch a movie he does not try to cuddle. He has made it clear he does not want anything serious but also doesnt want a friends with benefits. He does still log onto the dating site that we met on. He told me last night he was excited to hang out again. Now I am totally fine if he just wants to move slow and hes not ready for another relationship after just having gotten out of an engagement recently. But I would like to know if theres a chance that he will want that with me sometime in the next few months. I dont want to be a rebound. So I guess I am looking for some advice and opinions on this guy and this situation. Should I talk to him about this? I dont want to freak him out or scare him away
GooseChaser Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 That's an interesting situation. Here's what I think. You have been seeing him for two months, which is a good amount of time; you guys have gotten acquainted and know each other better by now. Because of that, it should be okay to talk to him and clarify things. My first impression was that he is using the situation as a sort of "crutch" while he gets over his ex-fiancee. I say that because he said he doesn't want anything serious. However, it seems like it could develop into more, maaaybe. You clearly like him, and he is at least exclusively dating you. He shows interest by paying for you, maintaining contact, and paying you a lot of attention. Though there are the traits of a friendship there with the lack of physical contact, you guys have agreed that it is more-- dating. I'd say that the big problems here are his lack of enthusiasm ("didn't seem all that into it") and his apparent lingering hang-up on his ex. Baggage. I would get it off my chest and ask him where he sees things going. I would also tell him that it would be okay to take things slow, as long as it is going somewhere. Don't be afraid of scaring him off! Look, if asking that would "scare him off", you're better off without him. Now I am totally fine if he just wants to move slow and hes not ready for another relationship after just having gotten out of an engagement recently. But I would like to know if theres a chance that he will want that with me sometime in the next few months. I dont want to be a rebound. These are important points, and I think you would make a lot of progress and get peace of mind from asking. In my opinion, you should go for it! Whatever happens, things will work out for the best.
Star Gazer Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Regardless of his desire to avoid a serious relationship, after two months, if he were really attracted to you, I'd expect him to have been a little more physical with you by now. My thoughts are that he's just really enjoying your company right now, being around another woman, having that person around to fulfill that emotional need. But I wouldn't expect it to develop into something more.
lovebitme Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 (edited) This is what I think. He's still hurt from his broken engagement. The way you described him he sounds like a very honest person who knows himself and isn't willing to use you as a rebound. Is he just using you as a friend or is he actually into you? I can't answer that but what I will say is don't buy into the whole argument that if he isn't trying to have sex with you he isn't interested. Maybe he takes things slow, or maybe in the back of his mind he's hoping to get back with his ex and is feeling that having sex with you would be "cheating". Word of advice. I wouldn't flake on this guy. Pushing him isn't going to help this situation. Only time will. What I would do is just be as upfront with him as you can about how you feel about him without pressuring him to make a decision. Just let him know. He'll keep doing what he's doing and that's a good sign or he'll back off if the feelings aren't mutual. I guess I would give different advice if you didn't have such a quality description of him. Edited November 22, 2010 by lovebitme
Leigh 87 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Most guys these days will make a physical move on you before two months. Sorry, but if he was that physically attracted to you, he would NOT be able to just contain himself for months. Personally, one of the criteria for a relationship with me, would be that the guy would BE VERY physically drawn to me, and he would WANT to toush my body badly. I could not be with a guy if he did not have a very strong desire, to rip my clothes off. Sorry, but u can keep on having an " great" time with this guy, but that is what friends are for - a relationship is the friends part, PLUS the guy has to have a strong desire to be intimate with you.
phineas Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 OP is giving the "relationship" vibe. He doesn't want a relationship right now. After my separation it was about a yr before I would even consider a relationship again. I casually dated women during that time but I knew they wanted a relationship & I wasn't going to lie to them & tell them I wanted one just so I could have sex with them. So there is the possibility he isn't a guy that will tell OP whatever she wants to hear in order to get into her pants. I think she needs to start looking for another guy if he doesn't want a relationship.
Author confuzed25 Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 nolongersad....i dont think you even read my post. this guy is looking for sex but we have been hanging out for 2 months and he has not made a single move and has not even touched me when we are laying together on the couch? He wants sex but he has never mentioned it or brought it up in conversation? The only way I know he isnt totally repulsed by me is because he always tells me I look good whenever I see him. next time we are together I am going to talk to him about this. I am looking for a relationship, ive been single for over a year and I have no baggage. I'm going to ask him what his intentions are with me....and let him know that whatever it is he wants I will understand but I do need to know the truth. Im going to tell him that I have really enjoyed hanging out but I feel like I cant be myself around him and I dont know how to act because I cant figure out if he wants to be just friends or if this is going to turn into something more. I dont know though, I just have a bad feeling about this. I dont think its going to turn out the way I want it to. On Saturday I mentioned us hanging out today but he mentioned that Tuesday would be better instead but did not give me a reason as to why he couldnt get together today. Makes me wonder if he has another date or is hanging out with another girl. I have not heard from him yesterday (he worked 16 hours) or today. And usually when he is home he logs onto facebook and the dating site multiple times but he has not been on either all day today. I just wish we had an opportunity to talk sometime soon because this situation is driving me crazy
Author confuzed25 Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 so maybe i spoke too soon about what a great, honest guy he is. and i must be reading the signs wrong because I really felt like he liked me and liked spending time with me but I have not heard from him in 3 days. I mentioned us hanging out on Monday but he said "if not Monday, then Tuesday for sure." I said "well I work until 3 but whatever we can get together after that." But I did not hear from him Monday or Tuesday. This is so unlike him, when we makes plans he always follows through. The only thing I can think of that went wrong is that I called him right after I had that conversation with him about hanging out and I apologized to him saying that I hope I didnt sound pushy or like I was pressuring him to hang out with me on Monday if he had other stuff to do. He sounded a little annoyed and said "I dont know what you think you did but you didnt cross any boundaries, you didnt make me mad. I didnt think you were being pushy." And I said "ok good then, just making sure because I know you have other things going on, sometimes I dont really think before I talk." And he said "you're fine, im excited to hang out again." So I thought everything was great....but thats the last ive heard from him. Ive been thinking about this all night wondering what I did wrong...or if hes missing his ex....or if hes hanging out with someone else. What should I do in this situation??
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 He isn't ready for a girlfriend, it's that plain and simple. He knows you like him and probably feels like you're getting abit too emotionally attached. He isn't jerking you around, he does like you, probably more than he'll admit but he just isn't ready for anything intimate, let alone emotional or committed. He is still hurting from his break up and men (not intentionally) will give off litte hints to let you know how they feel, you just need to pay attention. Cuddling, no moves. You tried kissing him, he wasn't into it. So, back off abit. Be more of a friend, than trying to win his heart. Can you handle "just friends" and see what happens? Or do you think i'ts time to just tell him I like you and when you're ready to date on a more serious level, keep me in mind. ? You haven't done anything wrong. It really IS him. Again, he just ain't ready for anything serious, but from how he is with you, honest and seems like a gentleman, he does like you. Give him time, back off and next time you two talk, keep it casual. Only talk about stuff if HE brings it up.
paleblue Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 no physical contact? and doesnt seem all that into it after you kissed him? you know something is off. i think he is just looking to make new friends for company, but nothing serious right now. just like he told you. while he greaves his loss. i doubt he is over his last relationship of 4 years either like others have said. i have a feeling you could be setting yourself up for hurt if you fall for him right now. he needs more time. he does seem genuine. you could wait it out. but you may have a long wait ahead of you. i just look at my 4 year relationship. it took me over 2 years to really get over things! i dont think you should talk to him about anything. that will scare him away. if you want, just let it ride. hang out for a bit and see what happens. let him bring things up. if nothing is progressing after a couple more months i think you should move on. a good healthy relationship where both people are ready and interested will include physical.... if no physical, then no ready. its really that simple i think. good luck!
Author confuzed25 Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 im just concerned that he is just done....done talking to me, done hanging out with me. I dont know if I should wait a few days and if he doesnt contact me, then call him? And then should I keep it casual and pretend like I sense nothings wrong or do I straight up ask him if he is not interested in talking anymore or ask him whats going on that I havent heard from him in awhile? There have been a couple times before where I got a little nervous that he wasnt interested anymore because he wouldnt be in contact for a few days but never this long and definitely never just not called me on a day when we were planning on hanging out. I just keep thinking that if he wasnt interested then why did he meet up with me and my freinds Saturday night? He could have went out with his buddies and had a good time and met new girls. And even when his friends left and went somewhere else he stayed with me. And then at the end of the night when I mentioned hanging out Monday and he said it wasnt a good day for him to hang out but then said "we will Tuesday for sure." He could have just not suggested an alternate day. And he didnt have to answer my call later that night and tell me he was excited to hang out again. I'm just thinking if this was me and I wasnt attracted to someone or was not interested in them I would not continue to hang out with them.....especially not for 2 months. Even if I was just looking for a rebound. And I wouldnt choose them over my friends like he did. He could have went out with this friends and tried to meet new girls but instead he chose to stay by my side the whole time.
paleblue Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 i wouldn't read too much into why he met you out with your friends. in fact i wouldnt even think about it anymore. if it was me, i wouldn't contact him. i would let him contact me first. if you have this feeling like he is done or doesnt want to talk than you should listen to yourself. let it go. he knows how to get in touch, he knows you want to hang out. what more do you need to say to him? he said tuesday for sure, so let him come around and prove it to you. if he doesnt than f him. you are dealing with someone who just isn't ready for a relationship. he probably just wants people to make him feel like he is attractive or something. you make him feel good giving him attention. its no more than that right now, or he would be acting on that. god knows he has had his chances with you kissing him. how much more blatant can you get?? just keep it lose, be his buddy if you want, but no more than that, or you are going to be disappointed i think. i know what you mean, why would someone continue to contact you if they dont like you. ive been there. he probably does like you, just not the way you do. otherwise you would be locking lips by now if you know what i mean. sorry. i am a firm believer if there is mutual interest, things happen pretty fast, like sooner than two months. this guy has red flags all over the place. i know you like him, and thats fine, just dont let him turn you into a doormat. or let yourself become a doormat! which it kinda sounds like what is happening to me.
Author confuzed25 Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 so....still absolutely no contact from him. looking back over the last few weeks I now realize that he was starting to back off a bit. In the beginning he would call me every other night or so and would even call me from work. Then as the weeks went on he started calling maybe every 3 days or I would just call him because I was wondering if maybe he was wanting me to call him. I mean he still always answered my calls or called me right back if he missed the call and he always told me at the end of the date that he had a great time, etc. He never cancelled a date on me or anything. I'm just frustrated because in his dating profile his headline reads "looking for someone to have fun with" and also in his profile it says hes just looking to hang out and is "looking to date but nothing serious." But then he shows up at my house with a bouquet of roses, insists on paying everytime we go out. He picks me up at my house for every date. Those are some mixed signals, are they not? I wish I knew what was going on in this guy's head....if it was something I did wrong, if he decided he wasnt attracted to me, or if hes just screwed up right now because of his pretty recent long term relationship/engagement that ended. Who knows, maybe they are going to get back together. What are the odds that hes just freaked out right now because he does like me? And if I give him space will he possibly come back?
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 so....still absolutely no contact from him. looking back over the last few weeks I now realize that he was starting to back off a bit. In the beginning he would call me every other night or so and would even call me from work. Then as the weeks went on he started calling maybe every 3 days or I would just call him because I was wondering if maybe he was wanting me to call him. I mean he still always answered my calls or called me right back if he missed the call and he always told me at the end of the date that he had a great time, etc. He never cancelled a date on me or anything. I'm just frustrated because in his dating profile his headline reads "looking for someone to have fun with" and also in his profile it says hes just looking to hang out and is "looking to date but nothing serious." But then he shows up at my house with a bouquet of roses, insists on paying everytime we go out. He picks me up at my house for every date. Those are some mixed signals, are they not? I would say no. He hasn't made any physical approaches to you. His behaviour is consistent with what he claims to be looking for on his profile. Picking you up, paying for the date and flowers are simply dating etiquette.
Author confuzed25 Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 So I received a text message from him about an hour ago saying "Happy Thanksgiving." I didnt respond back til about 20 mins later and I just said "thanks, same to you." What the heck though....I dont talk to him for like 5 days and alls I get is "happy thanksgiving???" I never thought in a million years he would text me today because 1. he hates texting 2. he doesnt seem like the type of guy who would send out happy holiday messages and 3. he rarely texts me....I mean he did when we first started hanging out but its been literally a month or so since he texted me. So what could this mean? Is he trying to reach out to me, like wondering if I was going to talk to him again? Is he trying to see if I will ask him where the heck hes been for the past 5 days? Is he trying to tell me hes still there or is it that he feels bad for leaving me hanging and saying happy thanksgiving to me is like saying sorry and makes him feel better about it. Maybe I'm reading into it too much but if he was done with me why would he reach out and contact me again? If I'm not interested in someone I sure wouldnt contact them and give them the idea that I am interested. I would be glad that they werent contacting me and giving me a hard time about why I wasnt talking to them anymore. That was all I got though...just a happy thanksgiving message. Even after I texted him back saying thanks, same to you he didnt say anything back.
Hopeful30 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 If there's anything I learnt by being in the exact same situation is that talking about it makes things worse. You said he is honest right? That shows that at least he respects you enough to tell you the truth. Just be supportive, and don't expect anything from him. He obviously cares and wants to move on. In order not to be a rebound, don't invest your emotion in him. Or at least don't show it. The fact that he sees you only twice a week is good, it means you ARENT a rebound, and he isnt trying to replace his ex with anyone. He genuinely enjoys your company but doesn't want anything serious. Keep doing what you're doing, just don't go out of your way for him. Don't invest your emotions. Just enjoy his company and keep your options open.
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