Why did she do this?

[cboy90]

Hey guys, Long time lurker on here. Thought I would finally post my story about my breakup with my ex-girlfriend. Trying to get some advice as to how to interpret what she did to me. Anyways, here goes: We were together for just over 3 1/2 years. Met in Grade 11. Both the same age. I met her at her work (local coffee shop), asked for her number, next thing you know, 2 weeks later we were dating. Ever since then things sprung out. Couldn't keep me off her, couldn't keep her off me. We were pretty much exactly the same person. Liked the same things, did the same things. Now, 1 1/2 years later she had to move with her family to a city about 200km away. Her dad got a job up there. Anyways, I finished school and went onto college. During that time that she moved out of the city, I would drive up to see her ever 2 weeks. This went on for about 6 months. During that time we were still a couple. Still going strong. Now, the following year she moved back to the city I lived in so that she could be with me. She moved out with her sister who was 3 years older than her. Sharing an apartment together. Now fast forward to the present. We would get into arguments over why I would only go to her apartment 2-3 times a week. I explained to her that I was in college (studying engineering) and I couldn't see her everyday. I had too much stuff with school going on and it was overwhelming. Then I explained to her that she had a job and she didn't have to bring her job home with her. I had to bring my school home with me everyday. Sometimes during these arguments I would just ignore her. I'm not the kinda guy to raise my voice to a women. I just cant bring myself to do it. Sometimes I would just tell her that I couldn't deal with her fighting with me over something so stupid and I would just tell her I had to leave. During our time together we always talked about having kids, where we wanted to get married and the kind of rings she wanted. We were a happy couple when we weren't fighting. Her family adored me and my family couldn't get enough of her. They thought we were perfect for each other. About 5 months ago she talked about having to move out by herself this February of 2011. She asked me If I could move in with her so that we could finally start our lives off together. We started to pick out things we wanted to buy for the apartment and where we wanted to put everything. Now on the 16th of October I get a call from her crying and telling me that there is a problem with our relationship. She loves me but she doesn't feel in love with me. And that were back to dating and back to step 1 and that I need to start wooing her again. Fine with me. I loved this girl so I was willing to do anything to keep her happy. She also goes on to tell me that she is going to start seeing other people as well too. Some kid from her work asked to spend time with her 'as friends'. Now me, I didn't know what to think of this. I just wanted to keep her happy. That following Wednesday I buy her flowers, write her a sorry card, took her out to a fancy restaurant and movie. Probably fronted about $250 for that night. That Friday I offered to come over and make her dinner. When I get there she starts crying and telling me that she doesn't want to lose me because I was her best friend. She told me everything and when something was wrong I was the first person she came to with it. She then started to tell me how she is worried when she moves out because she doesn't want to be alone. Now, that following Sunday I get a message from her saying how she can only offer me friendship and shes sorry for hurting me and she still wants to be my friend and maybe eventually we could get back together. I was traumatized. I told her I needed to see her that night and I rounded up every single card/clothing/cologne/jewlery/picture that I had been given from her and took it over to her place. I threw it all on her bed and told her that I don't want to keep it anymore because if I keep it, all I'm going to be thinking about is her. She then said "What if we get back together?". I didn't know what to think then. That night I took her out for dinner 'as friends' and her mom called and asked about what happened and told her that she doesn't want her to do anything stupid with me. I asked her why she said that and she told me it was because her parents loved me and didn't want to see her lose me. Made me feel good. So we tried the friends thing for a week and during that time she goes on to tell me how this new kid shes seeing does some of the same things that I do and it always reminds her of me. Not sure if that's a bad thing. She then tells me that she spent time with this kid before (before this $hit storm hit) and she never told me. To my surprise, I asked how come she never did and she said "because I never asked her what she was doing during that time". Wow! After the week was up I ended the friends thing and she told me she thinks its for the best and she doesn't want to see me again and I can't come to her work or to her place because she'll be pissed. She hopes I'm happy and that I find the right girl. Last words I said to her was "I love you, goodbye". Now I should say this this kid that shes seeing now is 2 years younger then her, an ex-drug addict/dealer, goes to AADAC meetings once a month, lost his car due to legal problems, lives with his grandma, mom left him, never met his dad, high school drop out and carrys around alcohol in his backpack. Basically, the pick of the pile. Someone completely different than me. I ended things with her on the 1st of November and have NOT contacted her in ANY way at all since. I feel completely shut out because I planned on proposing to this girl on our 5th year anniversary together. I was happy, and I couldn't wait to be with her for the rest of our lives. Now my question is: What should I take from what she is doing? Is this just a rebound relationship? Why is she doing it? Does she still want to be with me? I still love her deeply and hope I see her again. The same thing happened to my sister and her husband when they were together. Now their married for 5 years with 2 kids. The same thing happened to my brother-in-laws brother and his wife. Now their married for 10 years with 2 kids. A lot of people have told me that their is plenty of fish in the sea. That may be true, but only one is worth the catch! I haven't really got any closure from this. Hoping to seek some advice from the more seasoned veterans here.

[twinrexes]

Sounds like she is really confused, and yes, this other guy is just a rebound. Don't expect that one to last. She's been with you a long time and maybe wondering what the grass looks like on the other side of the fence, so she takes up with someone as different from you as she can find.

 

Maybe I'm not one of the seasoned veterans on this forum, but I'm 50 years old and a veteran of many relationships in my time. I've seen lots of great couples break up and get back together.

 

Hey, here's one we all have heard of; Prince William and Kate Middleton. They're a match made in heaven, but they did break up for a while.

 

So just give her the space she's asking for and DON'T agree to be her friend. She can't have it both ways. Stay away and give her a chance to miss you.

 

I'm willing to bet she'll want to give it another chance.

 

And if you do get back together, you're going to need to work on how you communicate. You can't just turn into a stone wall when she gets upset. But that's a topic for another day!

[cboy90]

Thanks for the response. Makes me feel somewhat better and helps me understand why exactly she did the things she did. If we get back together or not, who knows. I guess the ball is in her court now.

[cboy90]

Thought I'd give a quick update on the situation at hand. Since November 1st I've initiated NC. Haven't contacted my ex since then. As each day goes on I feel like I'm getting stronger and healing better. My cousin/uncle ran into my ex at her work this past Sunday. From what they told me was that she seemed sad/down about what happened between us and sad at the fact that were not together. Makes me feel better .

 

Also, I went to see a family friend who is a psychic. Now I should say that I don't even believe in that stuff. But EVERYTHING this person has told my sister has come true. Down to the most specific detail. Thought I'd give it a shot. Just for the fun of it. I have been told that my ex regrets what she has done to me and she misses me. And that I should expect a call from her soon. Also the fact that I am going to have to make a choice between 7 different girls. All of which want to be with me. But before I make my choice, I should make sure that they have the same values as me in life and that they want the same things.

 

Now after being told all of this, I'm not going to halt my efforts to move on. But its nice knowing that the person that hurt you the most regrets what they have done to you. I also realized that every relationship has problems. Nobody is perfect, regardless of what you may think. The fact is, that if you say you love someone, you should be more than willing to move on and look past those problems/flaws in the relationship and see the true beauty of the person who says they love you. Forgiveness is the key to happiness.

[Capital P]

psychics = stoooopid

 

But whatver gets you through the day.

[IfiKnewThen]

i am just glad and sad, there is somebody on here who is older like myself

[hoping2heal]

Hey guys, Long time lurker on here. Thought I would finally post my story about my breakup with my ex-girlfriend. Trying to get some advice as to how to interpret what she did to me. Anyways, here goes: We were together for just over 3 1/2 years. Met in Grade 11. Both the same age. I met her at her work (local coffee shop), asked for her number, next thing you know, 2 weeks later we were dating. Ever since then things sprung out. Couldn't keep me off her, couldn't keep her off me. We were pretty much exactly the same person. Liked the same things, did the same things. Now, 1 1/2 years later she had to move with her family to a city about 200km away. Her dad got a job up there. Anyways, I finished school and went onto college. During that time that she moved out of the city, I would drive up to see her ever 2 weeks. This went on for about 6 months. During that time we were still a couple. Still going strong. Now, the following year she moved back to the city I lived in so that she could be with me. She moved out with her sister who was 3 years older than her. Sharing an apartment together. Now fast forward to the present. We would get into arguments over why I would only go to her apartment 2-3 times a week. I explained to her that I was in college (studying engineering) and I couldn't see her everyday. I had too much stuff with school going on and it was overwhelming. Then I explained to her that she had a job and she didn't have to bring her job home with her. I had to bring my school home with me everyday. Sometimes during these arguments I would just ignore her. I'm not the kinda guy to raise my voice to a women. I just cant bring myself to do it. Sometimes I would just tell her that I couldn't deal with her fighting with me over something so stupid and I would just tell her I had to leave. During our time together we always talked about having kids, where we wanted to get married and the kind of rings she wanted. We were a happy couple when we weren't fighting. Her family adored me and my family couldn't get enough of her. They thought we were perfect for each other. About 5 months ago she talked about having to move out by herself this February of 2011. She asked me If I could move in with her so that we could finally start our lives off together. We started to pick out things we wanted to buy for the apartment and where we wanted to put everything. Now on the 16th of October I get a call from her crying and telling me that there is a problem with our relationship. She loves me but she doesn't feel in love with me. And that were back to dating and back to step 1 and that I need to start wooing her again. Fine with me. I loved this girl so I was willing to do anything to keep her happy. She also goes on to tell me that she is going to start seeing other people as well too. Some kid from her work asked to spend time with her 'as friends'. Now me, I didn't know what to think of this. I just wanted to keep her happy. That following Wednesday I buy her flowers, write her a sorry card, took her out to a fancy restaurant and movie. Probably fronted about $250 for that night. That Friday I offered to come over and make her dinner. When I get there she starts crying and telling me that she doesn't want to lose me because I was her best friend. She told me everything and when something was wrong I was the first person she came to with it. She then started to tell me how she is worried when she moves out because she doesn't want to be alone. Now, that following Sunday I get a message from her saying how she can only offer me friendship and shes sorry for hurting me and she still wants to be my friend and maybe eventually we could get back together. I was traumatized. I told her I needed to see her that night and I rounded up every single card/clothing/cologne/jewlery/picture that I had been given from her and took it over to her place. I threw it all on her bed and told her that I don't want to keep it anymore because if I keep it, all I'm going to be thinking about is her. She then said "What if we get back together?". I didn't know what to think then. That night I took her out for dinner 'as friends' and her mom called and asked about what happened and told her that she doesn't want her to do anything stupid with me. I asked her why she said that and she told me it was because her parents loved me and didn't want to see her lose me. Made me feel good. So we tried the friends thing for a week and during that time she goes on to tell me how this new kid shes seeing does some of the same things that I do and it always reminds her of me. Not sure if that's a bad thing. She then tells me that she spent time with this kid before (before this $hit storm hit) and she never told me. To my surprise, I asked how come she never did and she said "because I never asked her what she was doing during that time". Wow! After the week was up I ended the friends thing and she told me she thinks its for the best and she doesn't want to see me again and I can't come to her work or to her place because she'll be pissed. She hopes I'm happy and that I find the right girl. Last words I said to her was "I love you, goodbye". Now I should say this this kid that shes seeing now is 2 years younger then her, an ex-drug addict/dealer, goes to AADAC meetings once a month, lost his car due to legal problems, lives with his grandma, mom left him, never met his dad, high school drop out and carrys around alcohol in his backpack. Basically, the pick of the pile. Someone completely different than me. I ended things with her on the 1st of November and have NOT contacted her in ANY way at all since. I feel completely shut out because I planned on proposing to this girl on our 5th year anniversary together. I was happy, and I couldn't wait to be with her for the rest of our lives. Now my question is: What should I take from what she is doing? Is this just a rebound relationship? Why is she doing it? Does she still want to be with me? I still love her deeply and hope I see her again. The same thing happened to my sister and her husband when they were together. Now their married for 5 years with 2 kids. The same thing happened to my brother-in-laws brother and his wife. Now their married for 10 years with 2 kids. A lot of people have told me that their is plenty of fish in the sea. That may be true, but only one is worth the catch! I haven't really got any closure from this. Hoping to seek some advice from the more seasoned veterans here.

 

She is still quite young and very emotionally immature yet. It's pretty common especially at her age. So regardless of what this guy is like, she started an emotional relationship with him (if not more, but emotions at the very least were involved). and it almost sounds like she wanted you to "step up your game" so to speak almost hoping some of her feelings for you would return.

 

She may come back, she may not but she is far from ready for something like marriage right now so even if you do reconcile I would not go putting marriage out there for a few years yet.