Don't know if I should break up with my boyfriend...

[justwanthappiness]

I want to apologize in advance if this post is unorganized, hard to follow, hard to understand, grammatically incorrect, ect... My mind is all over the place right now and putting these thoughts down is going to be difficult. A lot of my thoughts don't even make sense to myself right now. I'm begging for anyone with any type of advice, I'm really lost right now. Any type of response will help.

 

I am 20 years old and I live with my boyfriend of about a year and a half. I am beginning to think that deciding to move in with him was the worst decision I have ever made. He's a great guy, never treated me with anything but the utmost respect, cares about me, and would do anything for me (he says all these things and I do believe him). So what's the damn problem, right? I have no idea. He did nothing wrong, I'm just not happy anymore. Is it because of him? How the hell am I supposed to know!? I mean like I said he's prefect. He's a great boyfriend. He has every single trait in him that I would use to describe my "dream boyfriend". Kind, caring, good looking, funny, understanding, patient, loving... I could go on. Is it true that love can fade?? Or am I just unhappy about something completely unrelated from him but blaming my unhappiness in him because I have no idea what the other thing that is supposedly making me unhappy would be??? See.. Confusing.. I told you. Maybe I'll try to elaborate more. Paint the whole picture for you so you can understand completely. Even though I already know the whole story and I am still extremely confused myself here I go anyway...

 

So, brief history- We went to the same high school and he was a grade older then me. We knew each other through mutual friends and would sometimes randomly end up at a few of the same parties. We also had one class together but I was in a different relationship at that time and he was interested in someone else as well. So basically we never thought much more of each other other then someone to talk to in a class where neither of us knew anyone else.

 

When I was a senior he had already graduated and went on to a college 7 hours away in a different state. We never talked or kept in touch. At the beginning of the year my long term boyfriend broke up with me. It was my first real heartbreak. I was devastated. I honestly thought my life was over and I fell into a deep depression. It seemed like no other guy would ever be able to replace him. Other guys began asking me for my number/asking to hang out and I would decline because I honestly thought that I had lost my soulmate and going on those new dates would have been pointless because they wouldn't go anywhere. They were great guys and in any other situation if I was not hurting and heartbroken I would have definitely gone out with them. I spent my senior year begging for my ex back. He got a new girlfriend and I still didn't give up. I was clearly delusional at that point but I didn't care. It felt like nothing and no one would ever get me completely over him.

 

Long story short I became obsessed with this guy and I convinced myself it was truly impossible for me to be happy without him.

 

The next year I went on to college. I still felt the same way but I began giving other guys a chance. I also began taking care of myself again (I gained about 40 pounds after the breakup- ridiculous, i know). I lost about 50 pounds and was down to 110, a healthy weight for my height and frame. This boosted my confidence and I started to go out more and feel comfortable meeting people. I was still depressed but it lifted my spirits just enough to begin dating again. I met a lot of really nice guys but nothing got serious. I was still begging my ex to take me back. I would just like to add that some of those guys were hot. Really, really hot. A LOT better looking then my ex. They were a lot more available then my ex, a lot more interested in my then my ex, a lot nicer, ect... My point is nothing mattered, none of those guys stood a chance because none of them were my ex.

 

BUT... Then...

 

(Finally, here's where all this random information ties together)

 

On a random, sunny day that summer a few of my girlfriends and I decided to head to a local beach. We spread the word to some other friends, grabbed some beer, and we were on our way. When we arrived we found a good spot and began having a good time. People started showing up and I was bummed to hear that my ex wasn't going to come. We continued to drink and I tried to have a good time even though I had already convinced myself that was impossible unless he miraculously decided to show up.

 

It ended up being just a few of my close girlfriends and some guys that were a grade older then us. My best friend, Carly, was closer to them then the rest of us girls and she was the one who invited them. But we were all basically acquaintances with each other and all of our close guy friends were busy so we didn't really care. The guy I talked about earlier ended up being one of the guys that showed up. At first we all were playing drinking games and laying around together but as the day went on I could kinda tell he was paying more attention to me. I realized it earlier but brushed it off and figured it was impossible that he was interested in me. Anyway- long story short- we hung out that whole day. I had an amazing time. It was unlike hanging out with any other guy. Time flew by, we were laughing the whole time, never an awkward moment, we were completely comfortable around each other. It was the first time I was able to completely forget about my ex. I honestly didn't think of him once. And not just because I automatically saw this new guy as someone I wanted to date because that's not true. I didn't even consider that until after we hung out for a few weeks. But it was because I was having a genuinely good time with him. I was actually happy.

 

We hung out the rest of the summer and I literally forgot who my ex was. He even tried to hook up with me once at a party and I was disgusted and wanted nothing to do with him. The new guy and I (I'm going to start referring to him as James. Not his real name but much easier then typing out the new guy) started dating right before he went off to college again which was 7 hours away. People thought we were crazy. They felt that we barely knew each other and it wouldn't last. Let me tell you- long distance was rough. Very rough. But we proved them wrong and made it through. I was literally head over heals for him. I would have done anything for him. I would drive 7 hours to see him any weekend I could. Which ended up not being as often as we would have wished (it was about once a month- we both worked weekends and gas money is also not cheap at all). But we still made it. We stayed together and we both came home for the summer. However, I ended up having to leave shortly after he came home. I was gone for the whole summer because I found out I had to live with my dad which was 4 hours away. It was not my choice and it was a last minute thing but I had to go so I did and we were once again in a dreaded long distance relationship.

 

While I was gone living at my dads I decided I wanted to move where he went to school. Before I was planning on returning to the same college that I went to for my freshmen year. But it wasn't really my favorite place because it was only 20 minutes away from home and filled with everyone who went to my high school. It just didn't feel like I was even out of high school. I realized that I needed a change of scenery anyway. I found a community school close to the university he attended and moved at the end of the summer. Since I knew no one but him and his friends we decided to find a new house where I would live with him and 2 of his other guy friends. We ignored the warnings from other people about what a possible disaster of living together could be. Our parents gave us the green light (my mom, sister, and brother love him and his family was ok with the move as well). The first couple of months were great. It was different because we went from seeing each other only once a month to living with each other 24/7. Even if we had a disagreement we never let it get to us. I feel like since we knew how hard long distance was we never took the time we had together now for granted and didn't want to waste that time being angry with each other.

 

However, it has now been about 3 months since I moved in and I am starting to rethink my decision. Like I said earlier he did nothing wrong and he is perfect which is why feeling like this is so unbelievably confusing. I don't think I am IN love with him anymore. I don't feel the same way about him as I used to. Our sex life has dwindled down from a healthy one to a non-existent one. I never want to have sex with him anymore. It kind of disgusts me thinking about having sex with him. That sounds horrible. I don't mean disgust. I can't think of a better word. I just think we may have grown into being good friends rather then a couple. Thinking about him in a sexual way right now feels weird because it's like thinking about my brother in that way. Where as before I could barely be in the same room with him for over 5 minutes before wanted to rip his clothes off. I lost the love I had felt for him at one point. And I am even questioning if it was ever really love at all.. or maybe just lust.

 

He was the first person since my ex that I was able to see myself with, open up to, and feel comfortable around. Looking back I think I was just overwhelmed with the fact that I finally found someone who helped me get over my ex that I was already convinced I was in love with him before I really got to know him. I didn't figure that out until now.. until we moved in together.

 

But it's just SO hard breaking up with him. I've tried. I told him how I was feeling because I couldn't keep it in any longer. He was devastated. I remember that exact feeling and I would NEVER want to make ANYONE feel that way let alone someone I care about. He was hysterically crying and telling me he couldn't lose me and he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he knew there was no one else for him and that he would wait for me. When he was saying all this and crying on my shoulder I started thinking- what if he's right? What if I let him go just because I'm confused but really he is THE one? Because honestly- he has done nothing wrong- what could have changed my feelings like this? I'm scared of losing him because I too am scared of being alone once again. Even though I know it won't feel as depressed as last time I know I will absolutely still miss him. He will still mean a lot to me. But I can't stay with him just because I don't want to hurt him and because I don't want to hurt. I know that's not fair. I just don't know how I am supposed to know what is the right thing to do. And also- he is the closest person to me and his friends are my friends here. If we broke up I would literally have no one. I've always been a little shy and opening up has always been hard for me which is why it's been extremely difficult finding girlfriends in this new town. Also, we are still in a lease for the rest of the year so I basically would be stuck living with him after the break up. But I can't keep that reason the only reason to stay with him because that makes no sense. If i do end up deciding to break up with him I could figure a different living situation out and move into a different cheap apartment. So do I stay in our relationship and keep trying?? And do I keep hoping my feelings for him will come back? I keep thinking maybe I'm just in a rut right now because I still don't know a lot of people here and I don't have my own friends yet so I feel lonely and maybe that means I'm just blaming my sadness/loneliness from that on my boyfriend?

 

I don't know. And I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to here. I can't talk to him about it yet because I tried that already and I know it will make him extremely upset to hear again. And I can't keep flip flopping my mind and confusing the **** outta him. I need to be completely sure with my decision before I talk to him about it. I can't talk to his (our) guy friends, I have no close girlfriends here, and my friends back home don't really get the situation.

 

I feel like I need to seek advice from someone who is not biased about our relationship. I wanted to give a lot of background information so you'd at least get a better picture of the situation but still stay anonymous in the fact that you don't know me or my boyfriend. Also, when I started typing this I wasn't planning on it being nearly as long as it ended up being but it felt really good to get it out so I just kept going and going and going. So if anyone actually read the whole thing or even if you got through some of it and have ANY type of advice I would love to hear it. Even if you want to tell me I'm a dumb bitch and I don't deserve a good guy like my boyfriend please say it. I want honest advice/comments/anything. Just anything. Please. I'm feel so stuck and alone and scared and confused. Again, anything will help. Thank you so much.

[brown03]

OK I have a couple of question first of all you mention your EX a lot in your post and I am just wondering are you sure your over him? I'm not trying to be rude I am just wondering so I can help.

 

Second I was in a kinda similar situation with my EX and I know that not having any friends to gang out with and talk to can be very hard on a relationship. Having nobody to talk to and get stress off your chest. And your BF being the only one you see and sometime little things will start to bug you. It's just life if you spend so much time with one person without seeing anyone else or hanging out with them you start to get annoyed and it's not that you don't love them anymore it's just human nature.

 

Having no friends make's a lot of thing's harder in life and so does starting life in a new city. I would recommend trying to make so friends if you have to try the internet or try and meet some people at your school. It helps a lot to have someone else to hang out and talk with and it takes a lot of stress off your relationship.

 

If you are really unhappy then I suggest taking alittle break from each other go and spend some time with family and see how you feel about things in a week but don't tell him that you are on a break it will only make you feel guilty the whole time and you wont be able to think. Make up an excuse and just say you want to go home for a week or so.

[Am4Real]

There are a lot of thoughts and certainly much information in your post.

 

The only relevant message I received from it all is that you are not happy. The reasons are not clear to me – it might be the EX – but realistically you’re only 20 years old and you are maturing in many ways. This is especially so now that you are in college. Give yourself a break – its okay for things to change when you’re this young and still searching for your place in world.

 

If you decide the best thing for you is to be single again, pursue the EX again or find someone new, remember how you felt and still feel when you decide it’s time to communicate your decision to your current boyfriend. Just treat him with the same respect you would want communicated to you.

 

Take some time in thinking this through for none of us here in this forum can tell you what is best for you. Only you know that or perhaps better said…will know it when it’s time!

 

Best wishes,

 

Am4Real

[justwanthappiness]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. I really needed someone to just say anything. What you said makes a lot of sense and it's nice that someone else knows what I'm going through and knows what it feels like.

 

You're right I did mention my ex a lot.. I can honestly say I have no feelings for him at all. I do wish him the best in his life but I definitely am completely over him. I was just trying to stress the fact that it did take me a LONG time to get over him and I tried other things and met other guys and tried to have feelings for other guys but none of them meant anything to me no matter how amazing they were because I was so stuck on him.. until I started falling for James, my boyfriend now. I was just trying to paint the picture of how unbelievably happy I first was when I started hanging out with James (my boyfriend now) and for some reason he made me completely forget about my ex who I had been obsessing over and who I thought I couldn't live with out. I literally felt like I just automatically fell in love with James right away because he was the only guy that was ever able to make me forget my ex and help me get over her completely. I had no idea how he was able to do this which is why I was I thought it HAD to be love, ya know? Maybe even fate? Like what else could it be.. And that's what kinda made me think that I might have just been in lust with James this whole time and now that I actually know him I'm questioning if there was ever any love there.

 

I'm sorry I know it's confusing. I'm confused myself hah. But to just answer your question- Yes I am over my ex.. trust me if I let out all the rest of the details of my relationship/love life that I just did with that first post I would come clean about still thinking about him haha and no worries about asking I'm glad you did! I know it looks like I wanted to talk about him a lot but I just wanted to paint a realistic/honest picture of my situation.

 

You're right about NEEDING my own friends. Like before I just thought I wanted them and that having a few girlfriends to go out with would be fun. But I'm realizing that it is actually a necessity for me to find some. Every little thing about my boyfriend is driving me nuts (the way he chews his food/gum, how he doesn't do the dishes, how he leaves his dirty clothes all over the bathroom we share) but I agree with you maybe if i take some time off and/or find some of my own friends to vent/escape from this house for just a few hours will help tremendously.

 

Thanks again for responding.. I know it seems like common sense to go out and make friends and that it's normal to get annoyed with someone when you live with them/see them 24/7 but I just needed to hear it from someone else. I'm so glad you did, thank you. I think I'm gonna try to go home for a week or so and have a relaxing time and spend time with my family and have a little bit of alone/me time. I think some time to myself to think/relax every once in awhile will help me stay sane. I'm not going to break up with him- I'm going to keep trying. I'm so glad you responded I just needed a little bit of common sense kicked into me

[butterfly24]

I thought my thread was long lol...I just lost my frist real love and have learned alot about myself and him and relationships.

 

My advice to you is Love is very hard work.... I know you know but you have to believe it too. That was one of my bestest mistakes I would say and say I know things but never believe them.

 

Love is more then the honeymoon period which we all have in the beginning... now the communcation and respect comes and grows.... It the whole: I promise to walk with you and witness your life will you do the same for me. From what you said it sounds like he loves you and will work through anything.

 

To much of a good things isnt a good thing, you both need that miss you time. You will find when you get the space you need the things you hate the most and drive you the most or the things you will miss the most.

 

You must talk to him and explain that he is everything you want but to be able to love him fully you need to clear your head and fight your own problems.... it sounds to me like a bit of too much time together, feeling alone and afraid of falling in love because you are scared it will end like it did before...

 

I hope it works out !!!!! : )

[justwanthappiness]

Wow. I can't tell all of you how much you've helped. Seriously. It really does help hearing what you have to say and it makes perfect sense. My mind is in a weird spot right now and one of you said that it sounds like I'm just unhappy in general and I think that might play a huge role in this confusion state I'm in right now. My mind is cloudy and it's hard to think, it's hard to do a lot of things right now and one of those things is definitely appreciating my boyfriend and appreciating all the things he has done for me. Everyone's right- I've hit a rough patch and I need to move forward by getting myself happy/healthy before I can continue on in a happy/healthy relationship with my boyfriend. I've always known that there's more to a relationship then the amazing first couple of months and that honeymoon period you were talking about- but I am just now experiencing it for the first time.. it's back to reality. I almost let him go just because I didn't want to work hard at making it work. You've really opened my eyes. I know I said it before but it sounds like common sense but I tend to get tunnel vision when I experience things like this. I tend to remember just the negative times and the arguments and past disagreements but I forget to take the time to be thankful for the happiness he's brought me. Hearing it from someone else always seems to snap me back to reality and toughen up. You really don't know how much it means thats you guys took the time to read that novel of rambling thoughts that I wrote and respond and help me figure these things out. Just a few hours ago I felt so alone and trapped and now it's like I got a quick breath of fresh air, some sense kicked into me, cleared my mind and I'm ready to do what it takes to make this work. I know it's not as easy as that sounds but I want to work for it and I'm so glad I took the time to reach out for help and seek advice. Usually when I'm in this tunnel vision state I simply just assume it won't work out anyway and give up but after hearing your positive comments and reminding me what love truly is I know I will never let him go that easily. I'm so lucky to have found a guy like him and have found love in the first place, I won't let it slip away. Thank you for reminding me of that.

I wish the best for all of you! Thanks again. Take care.

[SoItGoes.]

Hi, some will likely resent my reductionist style argument, fairly so.. although potentially it may help shed some light for you.

 

Firstly, your young. I gather I'm around a likewise age and stage in my life and so Im not in the slight bit trying to take a moralistic high ground here. Just giving you my broad view. To me your scenario and mental state is a classic case of not really understanding some of the fundementals of human bonding and the complex nature of relationships. The passion you display describing how you fell for 'James' and the all encompassing status you gave him i.e The 'Perfect' Boyfriend status real hints at typical adolesant infatuation.

 

All most all natural romantic relationships start with the process of infatuation. Its a chemical drive that creates a physical addiction towards one mate. Leading us to procreate with them. This is natural rather good in reproduction stakes and so infatuation often feels DEVINE.. comparable to a powerful stimulate. However the brain can't retain this 'high' infatuation usually last from around 6 months to 2 years.. in some cases 4. From here on in a long term commitment drive may kick in, but by no means is this as powerful a sensation as infatuation.. Thus we more often then not base are premise as to whether we stay in a relationship based on retaining these intense feelings (especially in youth when every thing is naturally meant to be intense and exciting).

 

To me the fact that you can't pinpoint any rational problems in your relationship i.e no obvious incompatibilities or grievances, suggests that this change in mentality is just a change in feelings. The classic verbal expression to which is "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" i.e more often then not at our age "Im not infatuated with you anymore" As i see it your viewing infatuation as Love, at least to me i view it more healthy to view love as a verb. A working long lasting relationship dosn't revolve around those Chemical highs. (your not always going to want to rip your SO clothes off at all times of the day for example) Long term couples often swing in and out of happiness regarding their SO but see that the long term investment is worth it and so chose to stay together. A more rational calculated approach is taken to the relationship. Really you can't run from your biological drives and you can't rewind time to retain that feeling. Note, some people say Romance is for the young and maybe there is some worth to this saying..

 

Chances are like many people you will have a series of relationships after this one is over, helping you built a perspective to a compatible mate. Then when your mental state chooses to weigh commitment and stability over the importance of daily feelings of infatuation, you will have your first real long term relationship.. and chances are it won't be as romantic and ideal as you dream it to be. Hopefully you'll chose a genuinely GOOD person and one that is suited to you. Thus having the potential to get the tag of the 'one' although tbh in my opinion the use of the notion of the "one" is an idealistic myth. There will be various people you are capable of equally falling for as the late great George Bernard Shaw said "Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.". Work on your self and respect your SO as you would like to be respected what ever path you choose to take. To me it is a far greater lose to fall out of respect for your significant other. If you part ways in a mature fashion retaining a sense of respect for each other.. then hopefully both of you will one day look back at the time spent together as time well spent and nothing is more important then time well spent. Good luck !