I am Broken Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 HI all. This is my first post. I am new here and am going through my first Divorce from my wife of 10 years. I have no idea how to stop feeling depressed after she left me. I have gone to counseling and my therapist said in order to heal that I must experience the pain. So last night I let the demons in. I smoked pot thinking it could soothe the emotional pain I was going through. Bad Idea! I started to freak out. I felt like I was in a downward spiral and at the bottom was my shot gun. The idea of killing myself just kept snapping into my head as a cure to end the hopelessness. Good thing my brother was home because I needed someone there help me get through last night. I just kept telling myself one minute at a time. But it was excruciating because when your stoned time goes by so slow. Eventually it started to wear off two movies later and I'm still here. I guess I joined this forum to share my honest thoughts and feelings. To vent my pain and hopefully gains some insight. After last night I realize that I need some help getting through this stage.
skydiveaddict Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 It's called the "Dark Night of the Soul". (St. John of the Cross). Been there too.
plowguy1 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Been there myself, without the pot though. I'm about 14 mos. in and I want to tell you it gets better, just hang in there, get help with a divorce care group or something. stay away from the pot AND alcohol it is a depressant and stays with you even after you're sober. I didn't believe people when they said it would get better, but it did. you're not alone you took a huge hit, take your standing 8 and you're gonna walk it off believe me.
Author I am Broken Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 It's called the "Dark Night of the Soul". (St. John of the Cross). Been there too. I didn't know there was a name for it thanks. I didn't know what to do. I thought if I called for help they would admit me for Alcohol and Drug abuse. Last time I smoked pot before yesterday was 6 months ago. I had a hard time telling my brother I was experiencing the "Dark Night of the Soul". In fact I never told him. I just said I was freaked out and for him to watch me. Then I started crying in front of him. I don't think I have done that since we were kids. I never want to feel like that again. I'm gonna call that rock bottom and try to build from there.
2.50 a gallon Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Almost everybody on this board has gone thru what you are now experiencing. And there are many who are in your shoes. I did not name it other than I was in a black hole of despair We question: Will I ever laugh again? How can I ever be happy again? The answer is yes, and believe it or not most likely you will even love again. There is no magic pill to help you through this, only the passage of time seems to work a cure. At this time in your life most of your thoughts are on what you have lost. It can fill your brain so that you do nothing but sit around doing nothing. So get busy doing something that interests you. Do you have any hobbies? If so spend time with them. Every second that you spend not thinking about her is a victory. Find something to stretch the second into to minutes and the minutes into hours. Improve yourself, some get into working out, lose the fat, get some muscle. I myself, got into gourmet cooking, several times a week I would try a fancy recipe. It took time to cook the meal, and then I was rewarded with something great to eat. And it was something I could cook to attract a new girl friend. If I were still a young man and was in your shoes, I would look into taking salasa dance lessons. The dancing looks hot, and the ladies look hot, so why not be the one the ladies want to dance with. You can use this board to help you through this time, so keep posting. Tell us more about youself. Ten years, did you have any kids?
willowthewisp Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I'm there regularly, without the drugs. It's been 20 months for me and it's not getting any better it's getting worse, particularly as I heard my X has moved a women in and proposed to her. I have given up asking for help because I feel like killing myself so often I think other people think I am just saying it or looking for attention or something. I walked right into the aftermath of a man having thrown himself out of a third storey window last week and my first thought was, that could me. I wish I could help and tell you it gets better, but all I can say is try to find the strength to keep going.
tobydog Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I too feel suicidal a lot but I have a son who has lost his dad so needs me. This pain is unbearable but you can get through it and feel stronger. Anti depressants have helped me and some herbal remedies, not the pot sort tho! I am so sorry you are feeling like this Take care x
Minnie09 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I used to feel so suicidal in a similar situation, and I'm not sure what it was that kept me from actually doing it. Was it my son who needed me, or the simple fact that I just didn't know how to proceed to get it done quickly. I still don't know, but I'm past that stage now. Nobody believes it when people tell them that it's getting better. I wouldn't have believed anyone, either. Post here, read here, distract yourself. If you don't feel like company, don't force yourself. But leave the house, get outside, go for walks, exercise in the fresh air. Kill some time. Good luck! Hang in there, you'll survive and be your stronger self.
What_Next Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 A lot of us on this board have been there. I've personally been there many many times since this roller coaster began for me. My choice to bring me there has been alcohol. In fact it still can be. I've also had those awful thoughts. I am still here. I have made it through the other side. Everyone will find their own way through. Use whatever you need to. Friends Family Exercise Painting Punching a heavy bag Pick one, stick to it and you'll make it. Post here if you need to.
Steadfast Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 It is terrible, it is overwhelming, but it is not intolerable. Think back to a time before you knew her...what was he like? Was he wallowing is self-misery? It's true; if you could survive without her then, you can now. It doesn't seem like it, but you will be better. And happy again. But before that happens, you must want it. Some don't believe it, but those people have (or have always had) a tendency towards self-destruction. Don't be that. My advice is not drugs...of any kind. Find yourself and learn from your mistakes. Start today and concentrate on making good decisions. Be well.
sumdude Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 I've had more than a couple of those nights over the last few years for a lot of reasons. But the light at the end of the tunnel is there, just keep your eye on it. "When you're going through hell, just keep going." ~ Winston Churchill
Author I am Broken Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 It's nice to know that I am not alone anymore. There are many of you that were probably hurt worse than me that made it. I took the advice and went out running for the first time tonight since we split. Wow what a difference in mood that can have on you. I will try to snap out of my self-loathing stage. I was actually taking too much blame for her leaving me.
sumdude Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 It's nice to know that I am not alone anymore. There are many of you that were probably hurt worse than me that made it. I took the advice and went out running for the first time tonight since we split. Wow what a difference in mood that can have on you. I will try to snap out of my self-loathing stage. I was actually taking too much blame for her leaving me. Yeah, that self blame thing is pretty common too. You'll have up days and down days. The exercise high helps a lot. Keep posting, we're here.
MorningCoffee Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Sorry you are walking this sad road, as others said, it will get better with time. But until then, it might be a good idea to lock that shotgun and any other firearms away somewhere else -- your brother's house? a rented storage locker? where it would take you more than a momentary impulse and a few minutes to get at it. You'll know when it's safe to have them around again.
Author I am Broken Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Sorry you are walking this sad road, as others said, it will get better with time. But until then, it might be a good idea to lock that shotgun and any other firearms away somewhere else -- your brother's house? a rented storage locker? where it would take you more than a momentary impulse and a few minutes to get at it. You'll know when it's safe to have them around again. Thanks. I did lock the shells in my safe so I would really have to think about getting them out and loading it. But that night I could actually see my self do those steps. I don't think I will experience that sort of low again. I can only hope the worst is over. I will put some faith in what most of you all are saying. I have to believe that once I get out of this house I can move on and things will get better.
OpMojo Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 (edited) IAB, Like many others here, I've been there too. I'm 7 months in and there are still times when I could probably crack under the pressure if I let myself. Let yourself get through the grief and find something positive to focus all your energy on. The examples What_Next gave above are good ones. You've got an opportunity here to create yourself anew. Getting yourself into physical shape or doing something creative are good first steps. They are both something you can be proud of. Small steps dude. And here's something to keep in mind... Suicide is nothing but a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. Take it easy Brother Edited November 24, 2010 by OpMojo
maineman Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 I myself have been to this dark place many times in the last few months. What keeps me going is my love for my children. Hang in there, the sunlight will shine again. For sure, stay away from any depressant drugs-Alcohol, etc... they only magnify the problem 1000%. Get out there in the fresh air and take a walk, go biking, stay busy.
SlevinKalebra Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I don't think I will experience that sort of low again. I can only hope the worst is over. I will put some faith in what most of you all are saying. I have to believe that once I get out of this house I can move on and things will get better. Just know the low times DO come and go, accept they will come back and knock you on your ass again and again. But, they definitely come less often and become less and less severe. One thing that helped me is when I started to get down I recognized my triggers and knew to avoid them. As soon as you start to feel that twinge stop in your tracks and look at what started the spiral for you. All emotions try to tell you something. Listen to them. For me I saw that a lot of negative feelings stemmed from a feeling of inadequacy, or loss of control so I focused on areas that I feel in control and competitant in for me it was getting back into the ring. Also I found myself with way too much time on my hands so I tried anything and everything I could. Took Salsa dancing lessons, even learned to make those cool towel animals that you find on your bed when you go on vacation. Point is, I never let myself wallow. Find stupid fun stuff that you can do to occupy yourself. I personally can only run, grapple, etc.. so much before I needed to find something different to occupy my mind with. Wish you the absolute best and realize all the crap we go through is just part of the human condition, Luckily so is laughter, fun, and love.
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