Dumped For Another Woman - Someone Shed Some Light On His Weird Words/Actions

[Goodwoman]

I know this is long but please read. Its all important to my questions.

 

Let me start out by saying that I was in a fantastic live-in relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years. About 3 months ago, he started acting a little distant and would start getting argumentative about little things. He also wasn't as cuddly even when I tried to intiate the snuggles. After about a month of noticing these little things, I decided to ask him what was wrong. He responds with "I'

m

unhappy, I have been seeing someone else for a month, I am falling out of love with you and in love with her." Boom. Just like that. Let me also mention this girl is 12 years younger than him, (shes 22 & hes 34) she already has 2 children with 2 different men, (obviously not with either one of the fathers), and is known for her 'flavour of the month' behaviour. Anyway, he moved all his stuff out of our place and into his guy friends house, and we remained on somewhat civil terms the whole time.

 

Here is where my story differs from most in the forum. I usually read in these threads that the dumper doesn't contact or communicate with the dumpee in any way after this happens. They just up and leave and don't look back. Most of the threads are from the dumpee trying to find out if the dumper will ever contact them again.

 

Im

very confused because to this day, he is still initiating contact a couple times a week. He texts me about very random things that I either dont care to know or he already knows the answer to. For example, about a week ago, I asked him to grab a piece of mail that belonged to him from out of my mailbox. Just yesterday, I get a text saying; "that mail was from the gas company". Thats all it said. Like I care to know what it was about or where it was from? He picked it up more than a week ago! Why would he even bother to text something

so

silly after a week? Sometimes he texts me to ask what I've been up to and what 'new things' are going on in my life. Now I have to admit, in a moment of weakness last week, I texted him only after he initiated conversation and I said "I miss you". I know. Wrong thing to do. Anyway, to throw me off even more, he responds with "I would be lying if I said I didnt miss you too." I really didnt expect that.

 

When we initially broke up, he said things like "The more I think about this, the more I question it", "I still love you

Im

just not in love with you", "Maybe I just need some time", " I still want you in my life", "I really think we will be together again one day", and he said that this woman "certainly isnt you". Still, he decided to go ahead and commit to a relationship with her just after the breakup.

 

He to this day, continues to text me and 'bumped into me' the other day at the doctors office. Is he doing and saying all these things because he wants to be friendly or feels bad/sorry for me? I reply to about half the texts depending on whether they are questions or general comments.

 

I know I should hate his guts for what he has done to me and should have gone

NC

the day this happened but, I have never initiated contact unless it is about something that needed to be cleared up. (After 6 years there were a lot of 'loose ends'. Bills, etc.) And, all the loose ends were cleared up about a month ago. I havnt initiated conversation since then. But he continues with the silly texts.

 

I still feel like I want to get back together with him and I know that further down the line I won't feel that way. But, its only been 2 months and after 6 years, I just havn't got to that 'I dont want him' stage yet.

 

I guess my question is, has anyone else gone through something similar? How did it end? Most of the time, the dumper leaves and thats that. There will be no texting, no communication of any time.

 

Help me! If hes

so

happy now, why does he continue to text me with this crazy small talk after 2 months and say the things he said when he broke it off?

[Am4Real]

Multi-quoted response....

 

 

Here is where my story differs from most in the forum. I usually read in these threads that the dumper doesn't contact or communicate with the dumpee in any way after this happens. They just up and leave and don't look back. Most of the threads are from the dumpee trying to find out if the dumper will ever contact them again.

 

 

That is not

so

at all. Very often the

DUMPER

initiates contact with the

DUMPEE

. This can be for a variety of reasons such as regret, guilt, curiousity, transition period, etc. There are thusands of posts by

DUMPEE

who have received contact from

DUMPERS

. Some are given reasons for the contact whist the majority seem to never know or find out the reason.

 

 

Im very confused because to this day, he is still initiating contact a couple times a week. He texts me about very random things that I either dont care to know or he already knows the answer to.

 

We have no way of knowing the real reason he is contacting you. However based on your writings and the circumstances surrounding the break up (the sudden news of a new woman sprung upon you) it seems there is a sense of guilt on his part. The random and spaced texts are probably a means to measure your demeanor towards him – your mood – your sense of well being in the way you respond and the speediness of the response tell him how you might be handling yourself post break up.

 

This is just my hunch but we often read about similar behaviors from

DUMPERs

who are feeling guilty about breaking from someone they were with for a long time and quite possibly still care about.

 

 

I still feel like I want to get back together with him and I know that further down the line I won't feel that way. But, its only been 2 months and after 6 years, I just havn't got to that 'I dont want him' stage yet.

 

You missing him is normal. I believe in good time after your brain takes over for your heart the last thing you'll want is your man back after he cheated and left you for the "

other woman

". As most will tell you, once a cheat, more than likely a cheater again.

 

 

If he's so happy now, why does he continue to text me with this crazy small talk after 2 months and say the things he said when he broke it off?

 

I believe I answered this question to the best of my "hunch capability" in the first quote.

[Fern]

You can't let him keep doing this to you. He's feeding your hopes of a reconciliation (whether he's being manipulative or still cares matters not a jot - it's just as cruel either way) and you need to tell him where to go. There are two possible outcomes here - 1) he strings you along like this for years when you could be getting over him and moving on or 2) he eventually tires of her and comes back to you and you rub along in a broken relationship for another while until it happens again or the resentment you feel toward him poisons your relationship and you end it.

Neither situation is good for you. You need to develop some self-respect. Tell him to F**K off and start acting like you are a person of value and a prize to be won and your outcomes change to 1) You get over him and move on to someone who deserves you or 2) He s**ts himself when he thinks he's actually going to really lose you and takes a long hard look at himself and maybe the two of you have a shot at sorting out what happened and what went wrong.

Stop letting him treat you like this. It's totally disrespectful, he's being a pathetic, creepy little coward (why would you WANT someone capable of doing this to two people he purports to love and care about?) and you're being a SAP. You need to get in touch with some of your anger girl. Anger is your friend in this situation. He's having his cake and eating it.

[Am4Real]

Tell him to F**K off and start acting like you are a person of value and a prize to be won and your outcomes change to 1) You get over him and move on to someone who deserves you or 2) He s**ts himself when he thinks he's actually going to really lose you and takes a long hard look at himself and maybe the two of you have a shot at sorting out what happened and what went wrong.

 

Fern,

 

Whilst I do not entirely disagree with your reasoning for her EX contacting her, I think it’s absolutely wrong of her to insinuate any anger towards him; she is far better off calmly stating she no longer has an interest in continuing to speak with him whether it verbally or via electronic messages and ask that he respect her wishes an no longer contact her. At that time she can set off a strict NO CONTACT regime and begin to heal. This is much less drama and stress than your advice.

 

I often see people attempt to take out anger on their EX’s and, no matter what they say or do it is never enough – they always want to say one more thing – hurt them one more time like they hurt and so on. It never works and never finishes what the hurt person intended.

 

I believe in this case she is better to take a direct road that clearly communicates to him NO FURTHER CONTACT with her is welcomed.

 

I only add that when that instruction is given to him she does not explain why. She owes him no explanation whatsoever.