Kcruiser Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 So my situation finally came to an end. He seperated from his wife but still living in the same house and we both just couldnt handle the stress anymore. Whether they are or not seperated I can honestly careless. It is no longer on my mind and my post is not about that. We have been no contact since the beginning of September and i can honestly say it was hard at first but it had to be done. It was the only way i was able to move on. Waiting for a call or text always tore me apart. Eventually your life gets back on track and you begin to live your life the way you want to live it. For YOU and not HIM. The last thing he told me was that when he moves out I will be the first person he contacts. Apart of me hope he never leaves so that I never have to deal with him trying to contact me. I started seeing someone and the last thing i want to do is hurt more people. But I just wanted advice on something. My relationship with MM was when he was living out of the house and separated. When he moved home we stopped seeing each other and then when he told me it wasnt working at home again we started talking but never hung out. His wife does know about almost everything and obviously blames me for their problems and dislikes me. And fair enough! But now ive met someone who im excited about. We live in a somewhat small town where everyone is connected. We have talked about past relationships but i have not told him about the mm. Does this need to be discussed? My only concern is that the friend who introduced us knows about MM. I want him finding out about it from me and not someone else. I have a fear that him and I will run into MM or his wife and it be very awkward. Our relationship is pretty new and I just dont know if or when I should bring this up? any suggestions? I dont want him to think differently about me. My friends all know the story and supported me but im nervous about this. And i dont want him to think that if xmm leaves his home that ill go running back to him. I want him to feel secure with me. And by the way, for those of you who struggled with ending it, trust me it hurts at first but the anxiety goes away. I can think clearly now!
endlessness Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Kcruiser, from your post it seems you already know the answer to your own question. Admitting to an A is not like admitting to murder. We're all human, and "socially devious" behaviour tends to occur when human emotions are involved - it's a fact of life; and if it's not a person who would be willing to understand that, then maybe it's not a person for you. I think it would be much more hurtful to find out that my significant other kept something like this a secret from me. I encourage you to tell him. Good luck! It looks like you made it very far already. I hope there will be no looking back in your future.
whichwayisup Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 The last thing he told me was that when he moves out I will be the first person he contacts. Apart of me hope he never leaves so that I never have to deal with him trying to contact me. Worry about that when/if it happens. I would hope if in 6 months or a year, you would have moved past him so IF he does contact you, it would be no big deal, you could tell him you've moved on and found someone else. Anyway, yes, tell your new boyfriend before someone else does. You dated him while he was separated so it wasn't a full on affair. Make sure the new guys KNOWS that it's over and that exMM is no longer in your life. If he asks questions, answer them as honestly as you can, but don't offer details.
sb129 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Its best to come from you, definitely. My last BF before I met my H was a MM, and i told my H about it pretty early on. It was hard, but I am glad I did.
pureinheart Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Kcruiser, from your post it seems you already know the answer to your own question. Admitting to an A is not like admitting to murder. We're all human, and "socially devious" behaviour tends to occur when human emotions are involved - it's a fact of life; and if it's not a person who would be willing to understand that, then maybe it's not a person for you. I think it would be much more hurtful to find out that my significant other kept something like this a secret from me. I encourage you to tell him. Good luck! It looks like you made it very far already. I hope there will be no looking back in your future. This is really good endless.... A good rule of thumb is to let people get to know YOU first before communicating all of the details of what you might believe to be failures or whatever. Good luck with your new BF:)
endlessness Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Let me add a brief personal story. I was recently sitting in a psychologist's office (my first time ever) as part of a job requirement. I had to present myself in the best possible light during that appointment. There I was, completely embarrassed and disgusted with myself as I was for the first time recounting the story of my A to a stranger as part of an evaluation. To my absolute horror, as I was talking, I started to cry. I was afraid to look at the psychologist because I expected to see disappointment, judgement... but to my surprise, there was only one thing in his eyes: compassion. I think, on some level, I wanted him to judge and reprimand me because, in my mind, I didn't deserve anything less. The OW needs to forgive herself first and foremost, and that's something many of us struggle with. If you do decide to tell him, don't try to justify or embellish. Just tell it as it was. I, personally, find honesty to be one of the most attractive qualities about a person. I would be surprised if your boyfriend didn't think the same.
Author Kcruiser Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 Thanks guys. I will tell him. But i think im going to wait a bit. we are still at the getting to know you stage. I hope that he will understand... When i do it ill let you know how it goes!
blinded_27 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 Yayyy new boyfriend, good for you!!! For myself, I will probably tell the next person I'm with up front. But only because this whole thing was such a significant part of my life and I'm going to have to guard myself more than ever now... I don't want to be lied to anymore, and I can't have any leftover baggage... so I'm going to straight up tell them, THIS is what happened, this is what I've been through recently, if you feel you can't handle it, or can't handle being truthful and honest with me, then just leave now. I refuse to let someone lie to me again like I was lied to this entire time. It's just not gonna happen
East7 Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 If I was in the shoes of your new BF, my biggest concern would be to know if you were still emotionally attached to xMM, I would wonder if you were totally emotionally available and forgot xMM. Also, it is good to wait a little and not tell him very early in dating stages. Talking about a past relationship can be a red flag to some guys. Never good to talk about the past loves in the first stages of dating ! You can just say "I had someone and it ended", that's all.
fooled once Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 So my situation finally came to an end. He seperated from his wife but still living in the same house and we both just couldnt handle the stress anymore. Whether they are or not seperated I can honestly careless. It is no longer on my mind and my post is not about that. We have been no contact since the beginning of September and i can honestly say it was hard at first but it had to be done. It was the only way i was able to move on. Waiting for a call or text always tore me apart. Eventually your life gets back on track and you begin to live your life the way you want to live it. For YOU and not HIM. The last thing he told me was that when he moves out I will be the first person he contacts. Apart of me hope he never leaves so that I never have to deal with him trying to contact me. I started seeing someone and the last thing i want to do is hurt more people. But I just wanted advice on something. My relationship with MM was when he was living out of the house and separated. When he moved home we stopped seeing each other and then when he told me it wasnt working at home again we started talking but never hung out. His wife does know about almost everything and obviously blames me for their problems and dislikes me. And fair enough! But now ive met someone who im excited about. We live in a somewhat small town where everyone is connected. We have talked about past relationships but i have not told him about the mm. Does this need to be discussed? My only concern is that the friend who introduced us knows about MM. I want him finding out about it from me and not someone else. I have a fear that him and I will run into MM or his wife and it be very awkward. Our relationship is pretty new and I just dont know if or when I should bring this up? any suggestions? I dont want him to think differently about me. My friends all know the story and supported me but im nervous about this. And i dont want him to think that if xmm leaves his home that ill go running back to him. I want him to feel secure with me. And by the way, for those of you who struggled with ending it, trust me it hurts at first but the anxiety goes away. I can think clearly now! Once you get to the point of sleeping with him, I think you need to be honest with your past. Did you use protection with xMM? Have you been tested for STD's since the affair ended? I told my now H, who I started dating a couple months after the A ended, pretty quickly. I was honest from the get to (not saying you aren't being honest). We connected at first because we were both divorced, and parents. We naturally talked about our respective x spouse's and then to the people we had dated. I told him right away (within the first 3 dates). I didn't want to get to attached and then have him not want to continue the relationship. Honesty is always best. That way, you don't have to worry about covering something up. Good luck!
Author Kcruiser Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 Thanks guys for your help. I actually told him last night. The timing was perfect. We were joking around about getting dirt on each other. And I said well there is dirt on me. I got serious and he got nervous. But when i told him the truth hes like thank god i thought it was going to be way worse. He didnt fault me at all. I didnt go into a lot of details, just the basics. I never told him how much me and xmm cared for each other but i told him what i thought he needed to know in case something ever came up. I told him there is no contact between each other anymore. It felt good to get that out there... now we can move on and continue getting to know each other! its so exciting! i
siuys Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Good for you Kcruiser. It's the best to be upfront about it which is what you have done. No more skeleton in the closet - only way to go. I think I would do the same thing. And I am really happy for you that you have found someone you like. Certainly beats a married person no doubt about that. Enjoy and have fun. You deserve it after all the pain. All the best.
MorningCoffee Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 Thanks guys for your help. I actually told him last night. The timing was perfect. We were joking around about getting dirt on each other. And I said well there is dirt on me. I got serious and he got nervous. But when i told him the truth hes like thank god i thought it was going to be way worse. He didnt fault me at all. I didnt go into a lot of details, just the basics. I never told him how much me and xmm cared for each other but i told him what i thought he needed to know in case something ever came up. I told him there is no contact between each other anymore. It felt good to get that out there... now we can move on and continue getting to know each other! its so exciting! i Good for you. You don't need to tell him how much you and exMM cared for each other, as he knows or is learning what kind of person you are and so hopefully knows you wouldn't have been just messing around. Curious, though --- may I ask, how many times have you seen new guy, dates or whatever, and how far along are you two as a couple, before you felt safe to make the disclosure and you were fairly comfortable that he knew you well enough so that your disclosure wouldn't, you know, send him screaming off into the distance or something?
Author Kcruiser Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Hi Morning coffee We have not been dating long. A couple weeks but we have moved very quickly. We have both told our families about each other this past weekend, and we have hung out probably a total of 8 times. we have mutual friends so we have gone out with friends together. I wouldnt have told him this unless i knew he was as into me as i was with him. He kept telling me it feels like we have known each other forever. We had also talked about other past relationships so it made me feel more comfortable about talking about this. He did not blame me for any of this. He just simply said he lied to you and you wanted to believe him. But i did not justify it. I just said i should have made better decisions. Anyways its out, and he didnt seem to be bothered by it, and now i dont have to worry about it.
East7 Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 (edited) We are happy for you Kcruiser. Must be nice to have someone you don't have to share with another women, who doesn't need to hide or to lie, to limit the time spent with you etc. When you sleep at night you know that he is not sleeping with someone else, that he can be 100% with you, that you don't have to wait for a supposed divorce etc etc.. Must feel good I wish you all the best with him. I am seeing someone too and it's amazing how it helps to get the AP out of the mind and to forget the chronic pain. Edited November 24, 2010 by East7
MorningCoffee Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Thanks, Kcruiser and East7. Kcruiser, your experience encourages me. East, I have a get-acquainted coffee coming up soon with someone I just met recently. Attractive and as far as I can tell, AVAILABLE (now an absolutely non-negotiable requirement!). Nice! Perhaps I'll be where you are in the not too distant future, with this person or, if we aren't a match, then with someone else who might be coming my way.
spice4life Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I just want to say Yay! to kcruiser, morningcoffee and east7. Good for you guys for getting back out there and moving on. I haven't put myself out there yet, but I think it's time. I'm a little "scared" though. :| It's kind of like making the decision to get divorced...I just need to take that first step. I know after that it will be fine.
Author Kcruiser Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 you know it was a soon as i went to no contact i was able to move on. I could start to relax when i was out. Never expected a text or call from xmm so i stopped constantly looking at my phone. I went on a few dates with another guy and i would say it helped me get my mind off xmm but i wasnt interested in this guy. But then when i met this new guy i was at a friends party and I wasnt even thinking about meeting anyone. But i was relaxed and not worried about xmm so i think i gave off a vibe. I must have. ANyways he asked for my number. I now realized No contact was good for me not because i wanted xmm to figure his **** out but because i could finally begin to relax. I use to know his schedule and where he was and what he was doing. I didnt know this anymore, and eventually i stopped caring what he was doing.
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