Author Surfer203 Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Don_da_ho: I have grown some balls...haha. I am sick of the situation and I told her i she does not decide soon then I have to move on.. so she knows this. Time to move on and get a woman that loves me fully. debtman: I live in Connecticut.. we got married in New York though - so I think our divorce would happen in Connecticut. Even though she has moved to NYC now with her model boyfriend. I am glad we didn't have kids yet, would have made things so much harder. I plan to enjoy Thanksgiving, at least I will be with family who loves me and is on my side. It will be weird with out her, I think that is part of the reason she felt the need to go now she said "the sooner the better". Next week tickets would have been cheaper but she decided to go this week before the Holiday.. that means something.. what, I don't really know now.
lkjh Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Hi there. Let me say that I was in the exact same position as your wife two years ago, although we already had two children together. My husband asked me to leave, because I couldn't stop texting the other man, but I knew that I loved my husband!! I moved into a year lease and actually began seeing the other guy... NOT giving myself the time I needed to sort out my feelings. Your wife most definitely needs time alone, without contact from the other man. In my quest to find out where I went wrong, a lot of psychologists suggest that the offending spouse will suffer a "mourning" period after they end it with the other man... and it lasts about 3 weeks. During those first three weeks, it is imperative that SHE DOES NOT CONTACT the other man. If you both can go somewhere for 3 weeks, to help get her mind off of him, it will clear her head and prevent any additional suffering. The last thing you want her to do is flip-flop! Regardless of whether she goes with family or she gets away somewhere with you, be patient with her. You may be angry, hurt and feeling betrayed, but right now is not the time to discuss it with her. When she makes the decision to work on your marriage (and she will if she can shake this guy), she will be in a better place to give you the answers you need and listen to your feelings. Best wishes to you. I hope for the very best! I am sorry but this is a disgusting mentality. How can you possibly think that its justified or ok to cheat on your husband and move in with the OM. Just because some psychologist told you that there is a 3 week waiting period does not make it true. Its a character flaw and it takes a low person to do that to their family.
Author Surfer203 Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 I agree.. it should be cut and dry. Once they come back there should be no waiting period. Move the F*** on! And if you can't go running back to the dirt bag that helped ruined your marriage.
2010_Sorry Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Oh my gosh, I do NOT think it's okay to cheat on your spouse at all! However, I do know that people make mistakes and we should make every effort to learn from those mistakes and grow. Surfer203, I have been thinking about you for the past few days. I reached out to you because I have been in your wife's position. I wanted to give you some hope. She is really messed up right now, but SHE WILL COME TO HER SENSES! Everyone is right that you cannot wait for her forever, but please, please do not give up if you know that you still love her.
PegNosePete Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 please do not give up if you know that you still love her. You do know that it takes 2 to tango, right? Loving someone is not enough to make a relationship work. She has to love him just as much.
2010_Sorry Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Love is a choice, not an emotion. She has to commit to making it work.
PegNosePete Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 And if she chooses not to, he has to cut her loose. Even if he does still love her.
Author Surfer203 Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 2010_Sorry: Thanks for your insights. It is nice to know that some people believe in not giving up hope. But I really can see the destructive nature of keeping this going much longer. There has to be an end. For now though, I think I will put in a small amount of patience, after that it is done and I know she will crawling back one day... that is the way it goes.
debtman Posted December 2, 2010 Posted December 2, 2010 Interested to hear how your Thanksgiving went... I had an interesting trip. Good times with my family, then spent 3 days with the stbx and the kids with her family. It was very therapeutic to be reminded of the many things that have always bothered me about her that I got to see during the time with her family and the return trip. Certainly made me realize that this is going to work out fine as long as I can see the kids whenever I want and don't have to travel with her or deal with her overbearing, mean, always right, insecure personality every day. Had a GREAT time with the kids and found myself very relaxed and focused. I still felt the jealousy when she would go to call the OM, but also took some satisfaction in knowing that he has never seen the "other" side of her. Looking forward to next year. Looking forward to finalizing the divorce and working out the details. Looking forward to getting time to "work" on myself again and get back to the happy, easy-going, confident person I was before I had someone questioning my every decision. Whatever happens with you, whatever she "decides" she wants, remember that your life is exactly what you make it, you will never become the person you want to be if you're with someone who doesn't know who they are or what they want because they will try to get that identity through you. Happiness comes from the inside, not from another person. Loneliness is difficult, but, if you do what you love to do and explore your passions and interests, you will eventually meet someone who will love you FOR those things and not in spite of them...
Author Surfer203 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Posted December 2, 2010 debtman: Glad to hear that you made it through Thanksgiving.. so did I. You should check my other thread "How to stay sane while wife is making decision?" - It explains what has gone on until this point. Basically last night I told her I can't wait anymore for your decision. She says "I could never 100% say no to you EVER" - whether this is true or just a way to keep me as a back up plan, I don't know. Either way, she still has not said NO. So, I told her I am moving on and if she decides to come back one day, maybe I will consider it. For now, we both agreed to keep NC. I plan on getting divorce stuff rolling. Trying to be positive but it is hard. Good luck to you - sounds like you are going to be just fine.
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