Wife left me a month ago and is going back home to clear her head

[Surfer203]

So.. here is my story in a nutshell.. I will do this in bullets, because the details are long and exhaustive.

 

1. Married 7 years, very happy, loving, were planning to have kids in the next month or so.

 

2. Wife goes away Labor Day weekend with her girfriends from out of town. A guy approaches them and some how gets my wifes number or she gets his.

 

3. They begin talking on the phone, I catch her and we get in a big fight, she tells me she will never talk to him again.

 

4. A month and a half go by and she is texting him non-stop, and I was suspicious but she denied it was him.

 

5. She tells me she needs to move out for a while to see how she feels about us.

 

6. I am reluctant but give her space, it was really hard to let her go.

 

7. Turns out she lied and told me that so she can move in with this guy in the city.

 

8. A month has gone by now and we have had several talks and met last Friday night to talk.

 

9. She is confused about what/who she wants to be with.

 

10. I demand she go home and be with her family to sort her head out if she is debating coming back or not.

 

11. She is flying back home on Wednesday for a week to ponder.

 

Now here is my question.. she is giving me some hope, says she still loves me, claims nothing was wrong with our relationship blah blah blah. I think she should not talk to me or the other guy for the duration and make a decision. She thinks she should talk to both of us while away to decide.

 

I feel we have such a great history and potential future I am willing to give her a shot. I was assertive and got her to meet in person and that is the reason she is going home to think. Neutral ground is good. She values what we had and how I treated her.

 

Up to a certain point I was moving on and then got some hope from her.. now I am just waiting on her to leave and do her thinking. It is going to be a weird Thanksgiving and I am hoping she will choose to come back.

 

And get this... the guy told her when she moved in "maybe you should go home to your parents for a while" and he also said "I would be sad but would understand if you went back to your husband because you guys have a lot of history" - to me it does not sound like he even wants my wife, he is just with her for some reason (probably just sex or something else superficial).

 

Looking for any insight.. I am dealing well with this situation now finally, it was so hard and I am starting to really feel more confident and comfortable. I just hope she makes a good choice because I want her back and am willing to do whatever necessary to make it work.

 

Thanks folks!

[2010_Sorry]

Hi there. Let me say that I was in the exact same position as your wife two years ago, although we already had two children together. My husband asked me to leave, because I couldn't stop texting the other man, but I knew that I loved my husband!! I moved into a year lease and actually began seeing the other guy... NOT giving myself the time I needed to sort out my feelings.

 

Your wife most definitely needs time alone, without contact from the other man. In my quest to find out where I went wrong, a lot of psychologists suggest that the offending spouse will suffer a "mourning" period after they end it with the other man... and it lasts about 3 weeks. During those first three weeks, it is imperative that SHE DOES NOT CONTACT the other man. If you both can go somewhere for 3 weeks, to help get her mind off of him, it will clear her head and prevent any additional suffering. The last thing you want her to do is flip-flop!

 

Regardless of whether she goes with family or she gets away somewhere with you, be patient with her. You may be angry, hurt and feeling betrayed, but right now is not the time to discuss it with her. When she makes the decision to work on your marriage (and she will if she can shake this guy), she will be in a better place to give you the answers you need and listen to your feelings.

 

Best wishes to you. I hope for the very best!

[Surfer203]

Thanks for the response. I am hoping she will gain clarity. I was planning on being AWESOME when she comes back.. haha. I mean, patient, kind, loving and trying not to address the situation adnauseum. If she does decide to come back I will explain to her the need NOT to speak to him at all to get over it. I think that is what happened after I caught her on the phone the first time. She stopped talking for 2 weeks and then BOOM right back into it because she didn't give herself enough time to forget him. What a jerk this guy is. Anyway, no I begin yet another period of waiting. At least this one will be easier knowing he is finally listening to me and taking time to herself to decide. I know no matter what outcome there is, she tried to get away from it for the sake of our history together and that means a lot. Going to be a long week and a half until she goes and come back. Yikes.. luckily Thanksgiving with family will take some of it off of my mind.

[2010_Sorry]

It will be a very long week for both of you. Lean on your friends and family during this difficult time. You are doing everything right. Keep us posted!

[Surfer203]

Thanks for the encouragement.. I am really trying to do whatever I can to make this reconciliation happen, but ultimately I know it is her call.

 

I need to make sure she does not speak to either of us during this period, I think that is critical. For some reason she thinks it is okay to speak to either of us during her time alone.. I think it will taint her thoughts.

 

I have learned through all of this to be positive and to talk to people about your problems. Any one facing this or a similar situation needs to speak to a therapist and don't be afraid to talk to family and friends, they are all there for you!

[Surfer203]

So.. I got confirmation today that my wife is going home on Wednesday, it is a round trip ticket and she will be back on the following Monday. I am starting to get a bit nervous.. this is it.. this will be when she makes her decision. I don't know if there is anything I can do. Should I try any list ditch effort before she goes? I have already told her how much I care for her and how things will be if she comes back. When she is gone, should I just leave her alone - or should I try talking to her or maybe just check that she gets in safe after her flight? I am a little lost here.. any advice?

[Surfer203]

It is weird because.. she says she has not told her real feelings to anyone. I think she has told them to me though - not positive. But she opens up to me and is able to cry and have some emotion. Everyone else keeps giving me a bad impression thinking there is no hope really. But, she is not telling anyone how she really feels. It worries me on many levels.

[seibert253]

IMO you need to approach and attack this on two fronts:

1. You need to make you and your marriage the place she wants to be. Make yourself and your home appealing to her. She needs to see what she's getting ready to throw away.

2. You need to start to move on, and she needs to be made aware of this. Show her the confident you, do not grovel, beg, plead, cry for her to stay. Don't not beg for another chance to "prove" yourself. IMO she should be begging you for another chance. Be loving toward her, but also show her a bit of distance. If any physical contact occurs, she initiates it, you don't. Don't go to her, she needs to come to you.

 

My guess is after this week to "collect herself", she's gonna come back saying she's still "confused". She needs to get un-confused, and you need to help her. How, pretty simple:

Eventually you two will talk. If she's still "confused", or "needs more time", you need to make it clear that you will not wait around forever for her to decide. You need to call her out and tell her she needs to make a choice: 1. stay and work on repairing your marriage

2. or leave and you will D her.

Those are her only two options. I gave my FWW a week to decide. It wasn't until I had D papers drawn up did she "see the light", and decided to return to our M.

You also need to make it clear that she is involved in an EA, and if she wants to remain M'd to you, it needs to end and she needs to never contact the OM again.

YOU dictate the conditions of her return, she does not.

 

Best of luck, and keep us informed

[Don Ho]

Good advice from Seibert. You have to put yourself in a strength position and right now you are not. You're going with the "supportive, loving guy" routine. That doesn't work and just displays weakness, which is never attractive nor appealing. While I don't agree with taking back a cheater, you have made that decision. So, you have to be a man and make a stand. You can't tell her not to talk to the OM while she's away. She's gonna do what she's gonna do. I would not call to see if she had a safe flight or anything. I would not respond in anyway while she is gone. You need to keep her off balance and let her really think and wonder about you. That can only be done with complete NC. Then when she gets back YOU tell HER the terms. I.e. 'you drop the OM now and we work this out or I'm done'. I don't agree with using ultimatums, but in this case you have to make a stand. Be strong Bro, DO NOT CONTACT when she is gone or you will give away any power you have. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Surfer203]

Thanks for your thoughts. I am doing what you are saying - I am trying to be assertive and tell her what I want. I made our face to face meeting happen and I am the reason she is going home to her parents for a visit. I think you are right though, I need to back off a bit now - we all know it is up to her in this situation and little I do or say will have any noticeable impact. I think you are right though - she may not gain clarity during this trip and will probably come back still confused, but I told her she needs to decide soon because I am losing patience for the situation and will just move on.

[Surfer203]

You know.. part of me is worrying now about her intent for going home. I wonder if it is more just a realization that she needs to take some time alone or if she really is going home to ponder which man she will choose. That is kind of what I thought, but am starting to think maybe it is not. I hope I will get an answer at the end of this, I really can't take much more and I have let her know that she needs to come to a conclusion very soon.

 

Sorry for ranting, I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this except my therapist who I only see once a week.

[Surfer203]

To clarify.. she is not coming home to me. She is going back to her family in Canada. They will hopefully give her some guidance and support. When she flys back next week, I was thinking she would know which direction to go in. Life was great.. for both of us and she knows it and tells me that she loved being married to me...blah blah blah!

[Don Ho]

Like I said, I wouldn't wait around for her and wouldn't have any contact with her while she is gone including her contacting you. Sounds like she's just having an "escape" from both of you guys. I think this stuff about letting her figure it out is balogna. Line up a couple of dates for this weekend and let her get a hold of you when she gets back. Anticipate a let down.

[debtman]

I certainly understand how you're feeling. Two months ago I was married (6 years), living with my wife and 2 young kids in our house and thought things were pretty good.

My wife met a new guy online, they started an EA, within 2 weeks she told me that our relationship just wasn't working out and now I'm living with my parents, seeing my kids on the weekends and going over to the house a few nights a week to put them to bed while my wife gets ready for her new boyfriend to come over.

I miss our relationship, I miss what I thought we had...BUT, no matter how much it hurts, how much I would like to think that we could work things out, I will NOT put myself back in a situation where she is with me while she waits for something better/different to come along.

I need to move on with my life and realize that I'm better off without her.

Not saying that's what you need to do, but you need to think about whether or not you want to get back together with her just to put yourself back in this situation again down the road.

You said you were thinking about having kids. Let me tell you, LOTS of things change when you bring kids into the picture. And, the heartache you feel now will be nothing compared to what you feel when your kids are telling you about mommy's new boyfriend.

If she's jumping from man to man now, it may be because she doesn't know who "she" is and isn't confident in her decisions. Until she can figure out what she really wants from her life, marriage, relationships, etc. each man is just a distraction until she finds someone new who makes her feel "important" and unique.

Hard decisions to make, don't leave it up to her, figure out what you REALLY want. For now and for the future...

[Surfer203]

You know.. I have been really trying to be "the man". I am kind of pushing for what I want. She is confused though, you are right. I think this is more about her shortcomings or lack of self esteem or whatever than our relationship. I am battling now with what to do this week while she is away. I am thinking not contacting her is smart, so she can really process this situation. On the other hand, I am fearful she will talk to the other guy and he will say "i miss you, blah blah blah" and if I am not telling her similar things I will be forgotten. It is a tough call to make.

 

Debtman, so what is going on with your situation now, is it still pending, still floating and undecided? Believe me, I totally understand about the kids aspect. I am glad this didn't happen after she got pregnant or had our children. But it was really a major knife in the back - I was so looking forward to being a Dad and she built the idea up in both of our heads and then bailed on me.

 

For me it certainly is and I hope this week brings some closure to it. I really do want to continue and I can look past this. I am not sure if I will even have that opportunity though. I am praying and crossing my fingers though.

[Liveinthenow]

"I think this is more about her shortcomings or lack of self esteem or whatever than our relationship."

 

You're rationalizing her behavior to avoid considering that perhaps you've simply got a failed relationship on your hands.

 

A woman that truly loves you does not go off and f*** another guy. I'm sorry that just does not happen if a woman really and truly and deeply loves you.

 

There's no such thing as:

 

"Oh I was just so confused I didn't know what to do so I went and squatted down on someother man's rod to clear my head".

 

Confusion in just an excuse so cheaters can weigh their options and have a reasonable sounding reason to worm their way back into your life.

 

An overly forgiving nature is grounds for being walked all over and thats all you're going to get as long as you tolerate people like this.

"She is flying back home on Wednesday for a week to ponder."

 

You got any solid proof she's flying back?

 

Most likely she'll just be staying with her new man at his place continuing to enjoy herself with his body while you think she's at her parents place trying to straighten out her mind about the both of you.

 

"to me it does not sound like he even wants my wife"

 

Listen to me very carefully.

 

This is pure mind games on his part.

 

He understands women and knows the rule that the man who appears to care the least about the overrall outcome gets the girl in the end.

 

In anycase have some dignity for christ sakes.

 

She's riding another man like a pony and you're sitting here trying to win this lowlife back?

 

Move on to a new and better women please for your own sake.

 

Take a week or two (or hell a couple of months if you need that much time) to mourn the loss then begin to move on first to involving yourself in hobbies and staying busy then begin the hunt for a new lady in your life when you're emotionally ready to do so.

Edited November 23, 2010 by Liveinthenow

[debtman]

My situation is pretty well decided. She is sure that this new guy is the perfect guy for her. Even though she's only known him for a little over a month. We're getting divorced and have our first mediation session next week.

 

Makes me crazy to go to the house to get the kids, put them to bed, etc. and watch her get all dressed up and made up for this guy to come over. Hard to get the image of the two of them together out of my head, but, I know that I've got to move on and I can't dwell on what she's doing.

 

I'm better off without her if she's so willing to throw away a 10 year relationship just because the new guy makes everything all about her. That's only temporary, but her insecurity and self-esteem issues are not.

 

Before I met her, I loved my life, was incredibly self-confident and happy. I'm looking forward to getting back to that and, eventually, once I'm finished dealing with the emotions of this break-up, finding someone to share it with that wants me for who I am and doesn't want to change me into what they want me to be.

 

As far as your situation goes, I don't think that contacting her is smart. If she has self-esteem issues, having two guys vying for her attention feeds into that. If you want what's best for her and best for you (in the long run), YOU need to decide what you want. It's easier to take her back (if she decides that's what she wants), but, this whole issue may very well rear it's head again years down the road.

 

Being a dad is the best thing ever, but, watching the kids suffer and go through confusion because mommy and daddy don't get along is the hardest thing ever. Don't go down the kid road unless you're sure you've found the right person to do it with. Although, kids are versatile, and I've been amazed through all of this how "well" they're adjusting to all the changes.

[Surfer203]

Well.. I do have proof she is going home. She emailed me the flight itinerary yesterday. Why she chose to do that instead of just telling me she booked the flight is kind of strange.. I thought maybe there is something to that? Any insight on that?

 

I don't know - I am feel like she is being some what truthful when we talk, I am sensing her emotions are out of wack. I could be just being played, keeping my hope alive in case things don't work out.

 

But I see her going home to think as a real gesture towards me. Maybe it's not, maybe it is just bulls***, a trip home because she is sad. But I am waiting on a decision. Let's hope one is made.

[Surfer203]

debtman: I wish you the best! I hope my story does not go down the divorce road. After this blew up in a defensive fight she claimed "This is over, I want a divorce" . Which she admitted she said at that point in retaliation of my being pissed and yelling at her about her leaving me. She admits now that she is confused and does not necessarilly want a divorce.

[PegNosePete]

Oh she's not going til tomorrow, I thought from your other thread that she was already gone.

Tell her that if she leaves she better look up a solicitor because she'll be coming back to some divorce papers.

Seriously man whining and grovelling will not work, it will just make her lose respect for you. You need to MAN UP right now!

[debtman]

Two years ago I had some financial issues and had lied to my wife about them (all in my initial post). At that point she told me she wanted a divorce. Even though, after the birth of our second kids we both agreed that divorce was NOT an option ever (yeah, right). I spend 8 months paying off the debt and focusing on the relationship, helping her out however I could, doing everything I could to make things easier for her, etc. and she FINALLY told me that we could get back together and work on the marriage. During this 8 months she spent some time going out with 2 other guys until she figured out that they weren't what she was looking for. So, a little over a year later, her dad passed away, she started looking for change, every day was talking about what new job she wanted to do, what she wanted to go back to school for, etc. and finally, just decided that what she needed to change was me.

So, if your wife can use the threat of divorce now, nothing will stop her from using again down the road. If you DO decide that you really want her back and are willing to possibly deal with this again down the road, I highly recommend going to counseling together. Honesty and openness are the ONLY ways to keep a relationship strong and the undercurrents of infidelity and threats of divorce will only cause trouble as time goes on...

Good luck and let us know what happens.

[Surfer203]

debtman: I can appreciate the gravity of what she said.. that a threat may be more than just an attack. I know if she comes back things will be hard and counseling is going to be mandatory.. along with a STD/HIV test for her.

 

I just wish she would tell me whether this is it or not.. whether her time away will be her decision making time. I guess I can't ask her until she comes back.

[Surfer203]

So.. my wife is going back to her parents today.. she is flying back at around 1 PM today. She told me she would see what we could do about talking on the phone before she left, but that didn't happen. We exchanged a few Text messages back and forth. She seemed distant and like she didn't care about me. She was very nervous and scared for her flight/trip. So maybe she was in a funk. I don't feel the need to see to deeply in to those Text messages.. they are always strange anyway.

 

So, she is going - her parents are going to rip her a new one. They are devastated as much as I am probably. I hope she sees the light - if she does not then this is over. I will give her a few days after she returns to contact me, if she does not, I will call and ask wht her decision is.

 

If she decides it is over.. I am getting a divorce lawyer ready and I am going to stick it to her HARD. She abandoned me financially and is cheating on me. I am going to turn the screws so hard on her. I will not be F***** with!

[Don_da_Ho]

Good comments from Liveinthenow. Surfer, it sounds like you're starting to grow a pair, which is what you need. Rationalizing, staying in the picture and chasing her will never work. If you go NC and she goes with the other guy it's because she made her choice, not because you ignored her. The ONLY chance you have to turn it around is to go NC and back off. Stick with your new plan.

[debtman]

I certainly understand your anger, frustration and desire to "stick it to her." I would love nothing more than to do the same, but I have to stay focused on the kids in my situation, so I'm being as nice as I can be (which is not easy) and we're working with a mediator (much less expensive) and I'm just staying focused on getting as much child custody/visitation as I can. It will be best for them if she and I can keep things "friendly" and, eventually, respect each others feelings. Not that she's doing that now, but the kids are so much more important than she is.

Be sure you TALK to a lawyer first before pursuing anything. I know in NY, the man generally gets screwed in a divorce, especially with kids. So, after talking with a lawyer I figured out what she would probably get if we got into a big battle and I know what I can "give up" in mediation to still come out ahead. Check into your state's divorce standards...LOTS of places online to review that.

My wife's parents are on my "side" also, but they know that they will alienate their daughter if they tell her that, so they're staying out of it.

We leave tomorrow to fly down together, with the kids, to VA where she and the kids will go see her family, I'll go see my family for a few days and then come spend the last few days with her family before coming back...should be interesting...

We come back Tuesday and, next Friday is our first "real" mediation session.

Good luck to you and go ENJOY yourself for Thanksgiving and get your mind off of her (I know, easier said than done). I keep waking up at 4 or 5 am having weird dreams about her or the kids and can't get back to sleep. Have lost about 20 lbs. in the past 2 months and need to start getting some closure on some of this to get out of the limbo I've been living in.

Talked to a buddy yesterday who told me:

"The two hardest things I've faced in my life were war and divorce. And, at least in war you got to shoot back." He also told me that, while the divorce sucked, 6 months later, it was the best thing that ever happened to him, he was happier than he had ever been and was able to find someone who loved him for who HE was and also loved herself for who she was...