e.clipse Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 i received some texts last night from my ex-boyfriend. i had not heard from him in a while, and would have preferred that while would have extended into forever. what he wrote was quite possibly some of the worst things he has ever sad. as i read the first 160 character text, i knew a barrage of them were going to ensue and, to be fair, i should have not read them, but i chose to keep reading. and it was a mistake. after reading the last one, my hands were ice-cold. i just sat there for a while, in total shock. i did not reply, not out of dignity, but because i couldn't. i don't hate him, despite it all. i wish he could be happy, so he could stop haunting me. what i do hate are the effect his words have on me. it really makes me wonder if i am such a disgusting, horrible human being that i deserve it, especially when he says, "No wonder your dad left you, you stupid ****ing bitch." i know he is wrong. i know that's not the way things are. the problem is that i know one thing and feel another. sometimes i wonder if i am really psychologically damaged now. every time i meet a good guy, i get excited, but then i begin to hear his words, my mother's words, and my father's silence recite in my mind, like poetry full of decay. and then i can't; i can't get close to anyone. i'm just too scared. so i cry when i can and post on here. my friends have no idea because i can't bring myself to tell them anything. i can't even do that. so all of this is confined to my mind and to LS. for the second time this year, i am going to change my number. i have also put everything he ever game me, which is a lot considering the length of time we were together, in boxes to throw away. i am not sure how this will help, to be honest, but i don't want anything of him anymore. nothing. i just wish i could throw the words in the trash, too.
johan Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 He doesn't say things like that because they are true. He says them because he wants you to hurt. He knows what buttons to push, and he pushes them. It's pathological, if you ask me, to be so cruel. But he abuses you that way because he's small and weak and sick. The best thing that ever happened to you was losing him. You've never really learned to love yourself like you should. You know that you'd never treat someone you loved badly and you wouldn't tolerate seeing them treated that way. But you allow yourself to be treated badly. You volunteer for it. Why would you do that, E? What's the benefit?
lapse Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 He doesn't say things like that because they are true. He says them because he wants you to hurt. Yep. Yep. Going through a similar scenario with some family members in a non-romance related context. To me, the part that hurts the most is that someone who was once close to you is so effing nasty... that they will go *that* low. Keep your chin up, OP. Not engaging is the best thing you can do. I know that you know that, but I also hope it helps to have slices of support beaming across the internets.
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