Had to move away, got broken up with, now feel lost.

[Sinensis]

My girlfriend broke up with me five days ago. We had been going out for 8 months, although we had known each other for a good bit longer.

 

Back story: a year ago, I had been dating a very manipulative man (I'm a bisexual girl) who broke things off with me, I thought for good. My now-ex-girlfriend made the first move soon after, and we dated for a few weeks, but it was too soon, and he convinced me to come back to him.

I eventually left him, and, after some time, came back to the girlfriend, explained how I felt, apologized profusely, and told her that if she wanted to pretend I had never said anything, that was fine. But she chose to get back together, and those 8 months were, hands down, the most beautiful of my life. She told me so many times how much she loved me, how she'd never loved anyone the way she loved me, how she would never leave, how I had changed her, how beautiful I was, how amazed she was to have me; we talked all the time about our future together, getting a little house somewhere, having a garden.

 

This August, I had to move away to go to grad school--this was a move I had had planned since long before we got back together. When I left, she promised that as soon as she was done with school, she'd move up and follow me anywhere. When I got sad about the distance, she'd say things like "well, we're almost a quarter of the way there," or "I'll get to see you this weekend!" We'd had a talk once, soon after I moved away, about the fact that she still didn't entirely trust me, but she knew that she should, and that I hadn't given her any reason not to trust me since that one event. I always made an extra effort to let her know I cared about her, we talked every day, and after we had that discussion everything seemed fine.

 

So, this Tuesday. She called, said she "wasn't doing well," that she still had negative feelings about what I'd done a year ago (the guy thing), and that she wanted to end it. I asked her if she loved me; she said she did, but not enough to keep going through the feelings she was having. She blocked me on facebook yesterday--sounds silly, but it hurt.

 

Now I feel completely hopeless. Every now and then I have moments when I feel normal, but the rest of the time I'm either sobbing and overwhelmed with wanting her back, completely unable to deal with not having her in my life, or I'm just...bleak. I lose all my energy, drag my feet, speak in a monotone, find myself lying down on the floor after getting home and falling asleep, still in my coat and boots.

 

I know I shouldn't think of them, but all the beautiful memories we had keep coming back to me, and it feels like torture. How could she throw that away? How can I go on knowing those moments will never happen again? For the first time, I genuinely believed "this was it," that I had found the person I would be with for the rest of my life. Now I'm in a strange place with very few friends, buried under schoolwork that I can't focus on.

 

I need someone to talk to.

[myhearthurtsbadly]

Oh babe. We all know how you feel and it is truly awful. I am going through it myself at the moment and to be honest right now there is nothing you can do to ease the pain. It is going to hurt unbearably. But, you have to focus on yourself, do your work, work on yourself as a person. Anything you can do at the moment to take up your time is a good thing. Im so sorry you are going through this, its horrible to see anyone in such turmoil. At the moment it is probably best for you to go NO contact for a good while. Things do get better i promise you! You will feel better in time, this pain is part of the grieving process which we all have to go through and you will come out the otherside a more complete person. I promise.

[Sinensis]

Thank you very, very much. It helps more than I can say to hear from someone who knows where I'm coming from. I hope your life is treating you well.

 

For the last few days I've been doing better, but that's partially been because of a state of denial. I simply refuse to let myself think about her--at all. I'm a little worried about how this might effect me in the long run, but right now I HAVE to get my schoolwork done, and I can't afford to fall behind like I was. At least I'm functional right now. What do you think?

 

I'm definitely doing the no contact thing--I learned how well that works in terms of healing from my last relationship. Granted, that was a much less amicable break up, and I didn't want to get back together, just to forget.

 

I know I really shouldn't be thinking about us getting back together, but sometimes I do anyway...and I get nervous that if she thinks I'm over it too quickly, or if I don't talk to her, she'll forget about me and that chance will never happen. I also wind up worrying that she'll find someone new before I'm healed. It's not very likely, given what her emotional state seemed to be when she broke things off, but the thought still twists my stomach.