When he is condescending...

[Meadow Blue]

and/or has a short temper, what do you do/how do you handle it?

 

This is something that has been a "problem" for me ever since he stopped being on his best behavior - you know how pretty much everyone does after they have you and they're done trying to impress you.

 

In the past it wasn't too much of an issue, and I'm not sure why at this point - either I was trying to please him, which fixed the situation, or I was in a position to leave (go back to my house house), something like that probably.

 

When these situations occur, I know that I'm not perfect and in some ways contribute to his attitude, but I also don't act disrespectful toward him, or blow up at him over nothing. Now when they happen I don't know what to do, because he's not backing down, I certainly am not going to try to pacify him, and I don't want to storm out and stay at a friend's house every time we have a fight either.

 

Edit: let's add "passive aggressive" to "condescending" and "blows up over nothing".

Edited November 21, 2010 by Meadow Blue

[WonderingWhatIf]

First, a few questions for you...

 

Are you married to him? Do you have children?

 

If none of the above, then you need to cut your losses. If he is acting like this before you are married, it is only going to get worse. I definitely have some experience there, and I wish I had left when I first noticed it. It does not get any better.

[Brandi 2]

and/or has a short temper, what do you do/how do you handle it?

 

This is something that has been a "problem" for me ever since he stopped being on his best behavior - you know how pretty much everyone does after they have you and they're done trying to impress you.

 

In the past it wasn't too much of an issue, and I'm not sure why at this point - either I was trying to please him, which fixed the situation, or I was in a position to leave (go back to my house house), something like that probably.

 

When these situations occur, I know that I'm not perfect and in some ways contribute to his attitude, but I also don't act disrespectful toward him, or blow up at him over nothing. Now when they happen I don't know what to do, because he's not backing down, I certainly am not going to try to pacify him, and I don't want to storm out and stay at a friend's house every time we have a fight either.

 

Edit: let's add "passive aggressive" to "condescending" and "blows up over nothing".

 

No, you are NOT responsible for HIS behavior. He is responsible for his own. It sounds like the 'real' him is surfacing. My exbf played these sort of games with me, and like you I didn't play into them.

 

How long will you be able to put up with this? Will he go to councelling?

[Kendrick]

He sounds like he has anger/control issues. I agree with what the other poster said, if you are not married and have no kids, you might want to rethink why you are with him and move on. Chances are, it will not get better. He is showing you who he really is, thats why I do not always put alot of stock in first impressions. Eventually people will how you who they really are, and when they do, believe them.

[Francesca101]

I would agree, having in the past been with a man who had anger issues. Can you try talking to him, maybe with a mediator / counsellor to help ?

[Feelin Frisky]

Meadow, you can file all of these changes in demeanor under the word "contempt". I'm sorry to have to tell you that but that's what it is. And the sooner you recognize it as such the sooner you will begin your liberation from it. Try not to internalize it too much as there being something so wrong with you. Indeed a lot of people--perhaps in the 10s of millions--find that they have a hard time living with the choices they made in the form of a mate. It doesn't mean the mate is bad or no good, it's just that the couple is turning out to be wrong for at least one party if not both. I hear contempt in o many married people's conversations it's sad. I heard it in my parents' and I vowed never to live under any circumstances with someone so selfish they'd deliberately humiliate me in front of others. I know that there could be some one on the other side of the next apartment wall who could just as soon look at me as the greatest thing that ever happened to them.

 

It's all relative. So if you unfortunately find yourself the object of ridicule and contempt by a husband or b/f, try to accept that that's what it is. You'll begin that much sooner ending that chapter of your life and beginning the next one in which you may be very much the opposite--the one person perfect for a different chemistry.

[Meadow Blue]

No one here occasionally (not even once a year) is snippy with their SO?

 

No one is married to someone who, every once in awhile, is grumpy and takes it out on you?

[WonderingWhatIf]

Meadow, I think that anyone can be grumpy once in a while. But, the tone of your original post did not suggest that this was an isolated incident. From the way it was written, I took it that it happened often. In any event, this person does need counseling at the very least.

 

And, I was married to someone that was like this for 20 years It sucked. I am just letting you know that if I would have taken the proper actions years ago, then I could have avoided years of heartache for myself. I felt worthless and unloved majority of our marriage. Feelin Frisky hit it right on the head. I was the "blame" for anything that didn't go right in his life.

[JackJack]

No one here occasionally (not even once a year) is snippy with their SO?

 

No one is married to someone who, every once in awhile, is grumpy and takes it out on you?

 

Hmmm, ok so in your OP its not as bad as it came across then?

 

To answer your question, yes I think married couples can be "snippy" with one another sometimes and/or grumpy, and take it out on the other person. I also think its good that if another person need to cool down, then they come back to address the issue thats a plus.

 

However, in your OP you made it sound like this might be a on going thing. As in not something he does once in awhile but more often than not. So if its something that happens alot then yeah its probably a problem.

 

You even stated it was a "problem" after he stopped being on his best behavior. You also stated,

 

*let's add "passive aggressive" to "condescending" and "blows up over nothing". To me thats not just being snippy.

[Meadow Blue]

Well, I consider it to be a "problem" because of my parents' marriage (which is now fantastic, but growing up was very tense) - I refuse to deal with that same issue, and I know that I picked someone who is NOT like my dad - and I really hate seeing the same behavior, even if it only happens once every few months.

 

Sorry if I made it sound like it is all the time - maybe because I was angry about something specific when I wrote it. I was hoping if I posted a general question instead of a specific incident I would get more general information/advice. In general, he is a very loving and affectionate person.

 

Just as an example, the reason I added passive aggressive is this:

 

I was out for the afternoon. On my way home in the mid afternoon SO calls me and asks me to stop somewhere on the way home and get him lunch because he is starving. I said no, there is nothing on the way, I won't be home for an hour as it is (longer if I stop to get him lunch), and by the time I get home I will be thinking about making dinner. There is a TON of food in the house, why doesn't he make a sandwich now, and I'll make dinner early if he's still hungry when I get home. He says OK.

 

I get home and he hadn't eaten anything except a couple cookies. He says that he's not starving, he's fine. I turned on my computer to check my email and asked him what he wanted for dinner. He said anything. I was on my computer for less than 10 minutes, and he says "So are you going to make dinner, because I need something right now, and if you're not going to then I will have to do something."

 

I said something teasing/joking back to try to lighten the mood because he was being a little bitchy. He flipped out on me, saying nevermind, he'd take care of it himself, and then starts in on me about what is my problem.

 

So I went downstairs, because I really hadn't had a problem and I didn't like his attitude or how he was treating me.

 

He didn't come downstairs for 2 more hours (so he couldn't have been that hungry), and I had already fed the dog/cat dry food because that's normally what they get, but he made a big show of giving them canned food, with a running commentary about how Mom doesn't like to make dinner, but he would love to feed the people he cares about. And he's saying all this in a light tone and with a smile on his face, but I considered it to be pretty nasty and passive aggressive of him.

[JackJack]

Yes it does sound pretty passive aggressive. So I guess the main question here is, what are you willing and not willing to tolerate?

 

Never mind how he acts, its how you react that will either keep you where you are or moving on. Its really all up to whether or not you want to be with someone who operates in a passive aggressive manner.

[Zapbasket]

Meadow, I've been reading your thread with interest because I experience similar behavior on a semi-regular basis with my partner, and I find myself constantly weighing the situation to determine whether this is a dealbreaker or something that will amend itself as trust continues to develop and I make my displeasure at his behavior clear. I'm lucky, I suppose, in that I'm not married to the guy, and so I can walk at any point with minimal trouble.

 

I think it's important how we choose to respond when our partners behave this way, because how we respond either fuels the dynamic, or makes our partner look foolish (which is only really effective if he's self-reflective, or is willing to be. There's hope if he is, not so much if he isn't).

 

One thing I've learned absolutely from past relationships is NOT to protest, yell, "blow your lid," etc. in response to that behavior. As soon as you do that, it hands them the power to say they act the way they do because of something YOU do. What you want to underscore is that while neither of you is perfect, condescending, irritable, passive-aggressive behavior is NEVER acceptable and is something that is SOLELY on the perpetrator to fix. You do NOT want to fuel the notion that it becomes more possible for them to fix that behavior when YOU change x, y, z about what you do. To accomplish that you need to remain calm, yet firm: "I do NOT like it when you do that." And refuse to discuss it unless it seems he is willing to consider his role in the conflict. Just state your displeasure, and get on with things, and keep cool and firm and continue to do your duties to the relationship (call when you say you will, do your share of the chores / errands, etc.) Don't allow him to get all snuggly and affectionate with you, though, until you've talked things through. Otherwise he'll think he can make it better with a well-timed kiss or charming behavior, and you'll be letting in the notion that he can be a jerk and make the hurt go away by sucking up to you later, only to return to being a jerk when the mood hits him.

 

I have let my partner know, with varying degrees of success, how some of his behaviors make me feel. It's because he does listen and has tried to amend some of his more irksome behaviors that I have stayed in the relationship as long as I have. I know he really cares, but I'm not sure he really sees how deep-seated some of his oppositional tendencies are, and how adversely they affect the recipient. As my mom has said to me, "It's possible this may at core be a structural problem, and as you are not his psychologist nor should you be, that would be a deal-breaker." Because I've told her that if it won't change, or continues only to change somewhat, I could not deal with that long-long term.

 

In your situation, I think you should really sit him down and tell him how that behavior affects you. Without threatening him, somehow make sure he understands that it puts you off to the point that you find yourself questioning the continued viability of your marriage. That should get him listening. Know that it may take leaving him for him ever to understand the consequences of being condescending and passive-aggressive to the person who agreed to be his wife. Sometimes people have to lose big before they ever see the need to make a change. It's unfortunate, but the benefit to you is that you are then free to attract healthy relationships--friendship and romance--and see just how much better things can be when you don't have to deal with that behavioral albatross all the time.

 

I may reach this conclusion about my relationship, as well. It will be interesting to see how things pan out for you when you really get through to him about the gravity of the situation. Good luck.