Tell me I'm doing the right thing!!

[LuckyClover]

Okay I just need reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. Okay so I'm a manager at a retail chain and got involved with an hourly associate. We kept it a secret and I fell really hard for this girl. I still don't know if I'll ever feel such a strong love for someone ever again. Anyway we dated for almost a year, things kept getting better and better except she's young and didn't want to make a mistake, im much older, I have kids and well she's pretty much the hottest girl in town so she gets a lot of attention from just about every guy around, needless to say she didn't want to settle down. I was so in love that I went overboard on the whole romance and just gave her the world. Big mistake I know. But it was just impossible for me to take it slow or not tell her how I felt about her daily. She would say things like "I can't wait to start dressing your kids" and she would make plans with things we were going to do to my house, like break down walls and build bigger rooms, she was even picking kids names for our future kids, etc... My kids loved her. Things I thought were perfect. Then things started getting around work and she suggested she transfer to another store to avoid either one of us getting fired. She did transfer and then it was like I wasn't good enough. She kept saying she needed space, etc... So I went NC. I knew she was seeing other guys and although it bothered me I couldn't help that, she always told me she didn't want a commited relationship. So I gave her the space she wanted. Then two weeks after NC she shows up at my door to return a shirt of mine, she tells me she met someone and that she is really happy. I wished her luck and just figured i'd cope the loss. It was really hard that day and the next day I texted her and asked if she thinks she'd ever regret it. I know bad move, but I wasn't thinking straight. She replyed with some insulting things and I replyed with some insulting things. Anyway after that she requests a transfer back to my store. I'm not a vendictive person so I allowed them to go ahead with the transfer. She's been there for a couple of months now... I must say it was hard at first but I learned to get over it. I have continued with NC and don't even say hello. I have deligated some work out to her and have gotten cold looks and some nasty words under her breath.. I assume she's talked **** about me. I don't know exactly what but I can just tell. I gave her the world and never said anything bad.. In fact the day I texted her insulting things I only said "I don't know why your treating me like ****" "I gave you everything" she'd say I was flirting with girls on FB and said I was creepy because they weren't cute.. I told her she was a "ungrateful shallow little girl" and that although she was beautiful everytime she opened her mouth to hurt me I loved her less and less. Anyway she texted "stop texting me" and so I haven't texted her since. Recently I know she broke up with her OM. I want so badly to talk to her but she told me not to text her, I shouldn't right. I mean she knows the balls in her court, right? I just went shopping and had my kids with me, she walked past us and of course I made no eye contact, just kept walking, in the past she didn't even glance at me or my kids, but this time she smiles at my daughter and my duaghter got all excited and wanted me to talk to her. It doesn't get easier anymore, It did get easier but it got to a point where it's just the same everyday. I'm not depressed over her anymore, but I do think about her EVERYDAY, I don't want to but I do. Everything reminds me of her, it's like I had ingrained so deep in my head and heart that she was the one for me and now everything I do reminds me that Im spending my life without my better half. I don't like it and wish I never met her but that can't be changed. I'm actually doing okay, I like me and I realized I was changing things I liked to better suit her likings, now I'm back to me and want to stay here... But I shouldn't contact her right? Ever... if any contact is to be made, she knows it's for her to make it right? Just tell me I'm doing the right thing by leaving her alone and should continue with NC... I hope thats the right move, my heart says go see her but my mind says stay far far away... I have seen what happens when we follow our hearts and it usually ends up with a life of regret. Ugh

[Yvelysse]

Continue

 

She ultimately never really appreciated you.

 

Sad thing is You have to work WITH her. So keep it professional, and cover your ass, You don't want a harassment suit. :eek:

[LuckyClover]

Thank you. It is sad that I have to work with her, but I had the choice to stop it. My bad. I can't believe I got played tho. She really lead me on and at the same time she didn't. I just wouldn't let myself listen to her tell me the later part. I'm certain though that I was everything she ever wanted and I still wonder if she thinks about me daily like I do. I mean I would do anything for. When we were together is was so perfect, but the second she or I left each other it was like she would start to drift, then she would see me and just start back with the heavy flirting and acting like I was all she desired. It was a vicious cycle. Sad part for me was I just got through a divorce where my Ex cheated on me and left me for another man... this girl I work with I feel took advantage of me when I was vulnerable and then kicked me while I was down. Oh well I'm not one to play the victim, but that really hurt me bad. It wasn't pretty for the first month after. At least I've learned to take things realllllly slow from now on. I won't show my emotions on my sleeve unless I know for sure ... actually I probably won't ever again. Kinda sucks too cuz now I feel like the next girl that I meet has to pay for my past relationships that didn't work out.

[hoping2heal]

Okay I just need reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. Okay so I'm a manager at a retail chain and got involved with an hourly associate. We kept it a secret and I fell really hard for this girl. I still don't know if I'll ever feel such a strong love for someone ever again. Anyway we dated for almost a year, things kept getting better and better except she's young and didn't want to make a mistake, im much older, I have kids and well she's pretty much the hottest girl in town so she gets a lot of attention from just about every guy around, needless to say she didn't want to settle down. I was so in love that I went overboard on the whole romance and just gave her the world. Big mistake I know. But it was just impossible for me to take it slow or not tell her how I felt about her daily. She would say things like "I can't wait to start dressing your kids" and she would make plans with things we were going to do to my house, like break down walls and build bigger rooms, she was even picking kids names for our future kids, etc... My kids loved her. Things I thought were perfect. Then things started getting around work and she suggested she transfer to another store to avoid either one of us getting fired. She did transfer and then it was like I wasn't good enough. She kept saying she needed space, etc... So I went NC. I knew she was seeing other guys and although it bothered me I couldn't help that, she always told me she didn't want a commited relationship. So I gave her the space she wanted. Then two weeks after NC she shows up at my door to return a shirt of mine, she tells me she met someone and that she is really happy. I wished her luck and just figured i'd cope the loss. It was really hard that day and the next day I texted her and asked if she thinks she'd ever regret it. I know bad move, but I wasn't thinking straight. She replyed with some insulting things and I replyed with some insulting things. Anyway after that she requests a transfer back to my store. I'm not a vendictive person so I allowed them to go ahead with the transfer. She's been there for a couple of months now... I must say it was hard at first but I learned to get over it. I have continued with NC and don't even say hello. I have deligated some work out to her and have gotten cold looks and some nasty words under her breath.. I assume she's talked **** about me. I don't know exactly what but I can just tell. I gave her the world and never said anything bad.. In fact the day I texted her insulting things I only said "I don't know why your treating me like ****" "I gave you everything" she'd say I was flirting with girls on FB and said I was creepy because they weren't cute.. I told her she was a "ungrateful shallow little girl" and that although she was beautiful everytime she opened her mouth to hurt me I loved her less and less. Anyway she texted "stop texting me" and so I haven't texted her since. Recently I know she broke up with her OM. I want so badly to talk to her but she told me not to text her, I shouldn't right. I mean she knows the balls in her court, right? I just went shopping and had my kids with me, she walked past us and of course I made no eye contact, just kept walking, in the past she didn't even glance at me or my kids, but this time she smiles at my daughter and my duaghter got all excited and wanted me to talk to her. It doesn't get easier anymore, It did get easier but it got to a point where it's just the same everyday. I'm not depressed over her anymore, but I do think about her EVERYDAY, I don't want to but I do. Everything reminds me of her, it's like I had ingrained so deep in my head and heart that she was the one for me and now everything I do reminds me that Im spending my life without my better half. I don't like it and wish I never met her but that can't be changed. I'm actually doing okay, I like me and I realized I was changing things I liked to better suit her likings, now I'm back to me and want to stay here... But I shouldn't contact her right? Ever... if any contact is to be made, she knows it's for her to make it right? Just tell me I'm doing the right thing by leaving her alone and should continue with NC... I hope thats the right move, my heart says go see her but my mind says stay far far away... I have seen what happens when we follow our hearts and it usually ends up with a life of regret. Ugh

 

 

Let's clear a few things up here ski-lo.

 

Firstly, neither one of you are following your hearts. Clearly, you are following your pecker. What is it? That she is the hottest girl in town? That's she's just "soooo" hot AND young?

Secondly, why are you being such a dope?

 

Have you not the slightest inkling of neither common sense or self respect? Firstly, yes this girl is young and she is acting just like a young girl does. She is whimsical and wants to have fun. She talks about futures and children because it's cute and fun, not because she has any real gumption about it. Secondly, she gets transferred to another store and after two weeks she finds someone else after meeting your children, and talking about futures with you. Really?!! Frosted flakes are wonderful for breakfast and served with chilled milk, but in your dating life and especially when your children are involved; not so much.

 

That whole creepy comment because the facebook girls weren't "cute" shows both her age and her mentality and I think you had it pegged when you said she was a shallow little girl with a lot of growing up to do. That is about right, hopefully for her sake in another 7 or 8 years she does grow up. Hopefully she develops some character by then, she certainly seems to have a severe shortage of it as it currently stands.

 

Then there is you. Again..why are you being such a dope over this girl? I could see if this was a really good woman (and not just a really good looking woman) why you would have these feelings about her but over springtime skipper? Come on.

Edited November 22, 2010 by hoping2heal

[LuckyClover]

IDK really other then I just never felt that way for someone before. Plus it was nice to feel like I was desired after being kicked to the curb after 6 years of marriage. It was nice to feel like the end of the road only meant a new beginning of happiness. I'm sure I made a lot of the fairy-tale perfect girl for me up in my head. But I never had that feeling of butterflies in my stomach before.. laying in bed-gazing into each others eyes, breathing in each others breath. It felt like I could do no wrong with this girl at first, every move I made seem to be the exact move she was enjoying. It was nice. She would boost my ego and that felt good. My self confidence was at a max. My self esteem was almost gloating in a sense of true happiness. But I was kidding myself and only set myself up for a harder fall. I just thought she was mature enough to see true love.. I never found it and I hoped I would've recognized it if I saw it at 20. I wanted it to be real so bad because it felt real in me. And yes she is beautiful, but that wasn't the only reason I fell for her. It was the way she made me feel when she showed an interest in me. Like I was her knight in shining armor. The man of her dreams. It made me love her that much more.

[hoping2heal]

IDK really other then I just never felt that way for someone before. Plus it was nice to feel like I was desired after being kicked to the curb after 6 years of marriage. It was nice to feel like the end of the road only meant a new beginning of happiness. I'm sure I made a lot of the fairy-tale perfect girl for me up in my head. But I never had that feeling of butterflies in my stomach before.. laying in bed-gazing into each others eyes, breathing in each others breath. It felt like I could do no wrong with this girl at first, every move I made seem to be the exact move she was enjoying. It was nice. She would boost my ego and that felt good. My self confidence was at a max. My self esteem was almost gloating in a sense of true happiness. But I was kidding myself and only set myself up for a harder fall. I just thought she was mature enough to see true love.. I never found it and I hoped I would've recognized it if I saw it at 20. I wanted it to be real so bad because it felt real in me. And yes she is beautiful, but that wasn't the only reason I fell for her. It was the way she made me feel when she showed an interest in me. Like I was her knight in shining armor. The man of her dreams. It made me love her that much more.

 

Okay, having read your post I think I have an idea what is going on here.

 

Firstly, why did your first marriage end? You said your wife kicked you to the curb after six years, why?

 

Secondly, All of those things you described? That is the infatuation period. In reality? No one is perfect. We make wrong moves, we upset our partners, we dissapoint them, we anger them, we even bore them from to time. In a real loving relationship we don't jump to another person when that happens. Because we love that person, and them pissing us off from to time or making us mad or letting us down does not change the way we feel for them, because we have grown to care about them genuinely and accept them as imperfect beings.

 

I am sure those feelings felt great and wonderful to you, especially after the end of a marriage which who wouldn't suffer some ego bruising after divorce? I am sure it felt great to feel desirable and wanted, especially by a young, hot babe. That is not loving her, either. The only thing you could say about why you feel so much for her, is because of how she makes you feel about yourself.

[LuckyClover]

Okay, having read your post I think I have an idea what is going on here.

 

The only thing you could say about why you feel so much for her, is because of how she makes you feel about yourself.

 

 

Wow I never thought of it that way, but that's so true.

 

My xw fell for a coworker at her job and thought the grass was greener on the other side. Told me she needed to follow her heart, that she loved me but wasn't in love with me blah blah blah. It was pretty hard and sometimes still is. She didn't stay with him, soon realized it was just the excitement of an affair and that he wasn't what she wanted afterall. But the damage was done and I just am not strong enough to take her back, I would never cheat or even be with a girl that is in any kind of relationship. She is happy with a different man now. It's hard to see her happy but I know eventually I will be happy with someone too... I'm just learning this dating stuff and really suck with the whole text flirting game.

[hoping2heal]

Wow I never thought of it that way, but that's so true.

 

My xw fell for a coworker at her job and thought the grass was greener on the other side. Told me she needed to follow her heart, that she loved me but wasn't in love with me blah blah blah. It was pretty hard and sometimes still is. She didn't stay with him, soon realized it was just the excitement of an affair and that he wasn't what she wanted afterall. But the damage was done and I just am not strong enough to take her back, I would never cheat or even be with a girl that is in any kind of relationship. She is happy with a different man now. It's hard to see her happy but I know eventually I will be happy with someone too... I'm just learning this dating stuff and really suck with the whole text flirting game.

 

What was your marriage like? How old was your wife? You mentioned the first time you felt butterflies was with springtime skipper, so does that mean there was not a real "magic" at one point for you and the wife? What attracted you to your wife?

[D-Lish]

So, the girl was telling you on one hand that she didn't want a serious relationship, but planning your future kids names and talking about wanting to be more involved with your kids... Oh, and seeing other guys too.

 

I'm guessing she's 19 or 20? The behaviour sounds just about right. Flakey, fickle, selfish, self-absorbed, self involved... I was pretty much like that when I was that age.

 

I know it may sound harsh, but you really have no business having too many expectations of someone that young!

[LuckyClover]

What was your marriage like? How old was your wife? You mentioned the first time you felt butterflies was with springtime skipper, so does that mean there was not a real "magic" at one point for you and the wife? What attracted you to your wife?

 

 

My marriage wasn't bad at all, at least thats what I thought. We never faught, we were finacially stable, and we had many of the same interests. She was my best friend. We did everything together. It just felt right that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I was really happy and counted my blessings for her, our children, and our secure jobs. It wasn't very exciting, but I just figured that was the way life was when raising a family. I never had those butterfly feelings for her, I didn't even know they existed. I guess according to her the problem was me, that I didn't perform well in the bedroom. She said she faked it and she wanted to watch porn and do different things. Of course she didn't tell me this until after she hit me with the freight train about the OM. I tried everthing I could to keep the marriage together. I was willing to do anything. But she was dead set on this OM being her soulmate(so she would call him)

 

"springtime skipper" haha.. I like that

 

 

I'm guessing she's 19 or 20?

 

You're guessing right. I started dating her when she was 19 and she turned 20 within the year we dated.

 

Just out of curiosity... not that it matters, but years from now, do you think she will grow up and look back at what she had with me and regret her childish ways? Not that it matters.

[sedgwick]

It sounds like you are much, much older than this girl, though you haven't given the exact age difference. But you are a divorced father who was married for six years, so I'm guessing you're at the bare minimum in your late 20s, in which case you're FAAAAARRRRRR too old to be dating a teenager!!

 

My younger brother is 32 and is dating a 20-year-old. He started dating her when she was a senior in high school and he was in grad school (um, EW is right.) My whole family is totally baffled. It seems the only thing they really have in common is that they're both obsessed with video games, and when you're around them, that is ALL they talk about to each other. Well, that and movies/TV. She comes off as EXTREMELY young, but this girl you're describing sounds like she comes off as even younger.

 

Come on, man! You're a DAD! She's a CHILD!!! You gotta move on.

[hoping2heal]

My marriage wasn't bad at all, at least thats what I thought. We never faught, we were finacially stable, and we had many of the same interests. She was my best friend. We did everything together. It just felt right that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I was really happy and counted my blessings for her, our children, and our secure jobs. It wasn't very exciting, but I just figured that was the way life was when raising a family. I never had those butterfly feelings for her, I didn't even know they existed. I guess according to her the problem was me, that I didn't perform well in the bedroom. She said she faked it and she wanted to watch porn and do different things. Of course she didn't tell me this until after she hit me with the freight train about the OM. I tried everthing I could to keep the marriage together. I was willing to do anything. But she was dead set on this OM being her soulmate(so she would call him)

 

No, butterflies are very much a part of it The butterflies grow into bigger and even better things with time, too. I can't comment much more right now because I am falling asleep. LOL

 

"springtime skipper" haha.. I like that

 

 

 

 

You're guessing right. I started dating her when she was 19 and she turned 20 within the year we dated.

 

Just out of curiosity... not that it matters, but years from now, do you think she will grow up and look back at what she had with me and regret her childish ways? Not that it matters.

 

I know for the sake of our own ego, we all hope the people who did us wrong will look back with all this regret, and sometimes it does happen. Other times, by the time you have grown up enough to realise it, those people are out of sight, out of mind. Then there are the real sad cases, the ones who never really grow up. They stay selfish, self entitled, and always looking for what is fun "at the moment" and over and on to the next one. It is just that if you dated women older..say late 20's and up, you probably have a better chance at getting a serious one. Again, I'm really tired so I can't comment too much right now.

[Heatemyheart89]

she seems like a horrible immature girl and I think you're well out of it!