siuys Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 LS has been an immense support for me and I just want to thank everyone. At times the truth is hard to swallow. At the beginning I thought naively that my pathetic situation was different.... how silly I was! It's been 9 months of roller coaster rides. And after a few anxiety attacks, weight loss, no sleep etc, I have a feeling this A is really coming to an end. Not only because xMM has finally stopped contacting me (hopefully it will last), but in my heart I know this is so bad for me I must simply stop. That I no longer can remain in such a toxic situation, regardless of my feelings for him. That I must get on with my life and treat this as just another chapter. I do wonder how long I will be reading and posting on LS... I like to offer support when I can to other in a similar position... but not in any disrespectful way, I hope I will not include LS in my daily life for much longer... that would signal I have truly moved on.
endlessness Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 LS has been an immense support for me and I just want to thank everyone. At times the truth is hard to swallow. At the beginning I thought naively that my pathetic situation was different.... how silly I was! It's been 9 months of roller coaster rides. And after a few anxiety attacks, weight loss, no sleep etc, I have a feeling this A is really coming to an end. Not only because xMM has finally stopped contacting me (hopefully it will last), but in my heart I know this is so bad for me I must simply stop. That I no longer can remain in such a toxic situation, regardless of my feelings for him. That I must get on with my life and treat this as just another chapter. I do wonder how long I will be reading and posting on LS... I like to offer support when I can to other in a similar position... but not in any disrespectful way, I hope I will not include LS in my daily life for much longer... that would signal I have truly moved on. It's interesting, it seems our A's started around the same time. I was just far more selfish to put up with the crumbs for this long and, after three unsuccessful attempts, I ended it definitively in June. Well... at least I thought I did... by July I cracked and got back onto the roller coaster. So, really, I ended it mid-October though there wasn't much of a relationship when we re-established contact after our first NC experience. I guess I can't even say "I ended it", because what really happened, like your xMM, mine also stopped contacting me and I just no longer had any desire to initiate contact. I'm sure that one day he will reach out to me, and that's why I blocked as many avenues of approach as possible to shield myself from the senseless pain that sudden break in NC would reintroduce into my life. You should do the same, if possible. I too was shocked to realize my own naivete. Like you (and like many other OW), I thought that my situation was different, that our relationship was special. Once, I told him that I didn't want to be his mistress, to which he replied that he didn't think of me as one because an A is just about sex and our R had nothing to do with sex. Sex was just a natural response because we were so "connected" on so many other different levels. (All those who've heard this one before, please raise your hand.) And then I found this forum... wow, what a reality check. I too hope that you will be out of here very soon. I can say that regardless how down I may feel at times, it cannot even begin to compare to the agony I was experiencing while I was with him. I lost 10% of body weight, I couldn't sleep at night, I lost interest in all goals I previously had in life, I started contemplating suicide... 'toxic' does not even begin to describe the atmosphere I found myself in at the time. So it's easy for me to see, without any doubt whatsoever, that moving on was the best decision I could have made for myself. I hope you can see that clearly too. Good luck on this powerful, albeit unpleasant journey. I think the strength that is to be found at the end of it is worth the temporary discomfort.
carhill Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 OP, best wishes in your healing. If LS has served its purpose for you, that is its mission. If you choose to stay and contribute like many of us have, welcome
Author siuys Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 Endlessness, Interesting how your R also started around mine. You know, I went on a date just now, as a distraction. Nice guy but I realised I can not date anyone right now. Very often thoughts of xMM would crop up. Blimey. Too unfair so I will tell this guy let's not meet again. Then i sunk again, into this low point... like my gosh I'm a long way from getting over this one. So I went and bought myself some ciggies. sigh. I understand ALL what you are saying with regards to the pain. I know if we maintain contact I will be back to SO MUCH MORE pain than now. I can hardly fathom how I got myself into this situation. I wish I didn't like xMM right from the start. I wish there was no chemistry. I wish I wish I wish... too late now. Hard lesson to learn. I just want to get out of this hole.
jennie-jennie Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 (edited) I met this man once and we fell deeply in love with each other. Unfortunately this amazing, wonderful, kind man had a dark side. He was an alcoholic, and when he drank he became Mr Hyde. Because of this I ended our relationship after only one month, but we remained friends for life. Fast forward eight years, and his alcoholism and bad temper while drinking got him into a predicament which ended up with him being stabbed to death. My grief was so deep and long lasting I had to question the depth of it. I realized I was grieving our relationship too, what never came to be, what could have been. I realized that there is always a price for love. We pay that price when we lose the person we love, whether it is because the relationship ends or because of the death of the person we love. In my case I had not grieved the loss of our relationship at the time it happened, the grief had been bottled up inside me for all those years. It took me a year of mourning to get over his death. I believe that the deeper we love someone, the higher the price is to pay. The longer it takes. Edited November 22, 2010 by jennie-jennie
Confused4Now Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I too hope that you will be out of here very soon. I can say that regardless how down I may feel at times, it cannot even begin to compare to the agony I was experiencing while I was with him. I lost 10% of body weight, I couldn't sleep at night, I lost interest in all goals I previously had in life, I started contemplating suicide... 'toxic' does not even begin to describe the atmosphere I found myself in at the time. So it's easy for me to see, without any doubt whatsoever, that moving on was the best decision I could have made for myself. I hope you can see that clearly too. Good luck on this powerful, albeit unpleasant journey. I think the strength that is to be found at the end of it is worth the temporary discomfort.I pray you find the strength to get off the roller coaster and maintain NC. I left a dead marriage (exit affair) with the hoping of someday being with my MW. That didn't happen. I lost 54lbs did the whole no sleep and was in a very bad place 2 years ago. It took me multiple times of NC and like everyone says if your not ready your not ready. I finally did get to the point where I had worked (focused) on my life and getting myself back. I no longer struggle with the sad attempts which xMW tries to pull me back in. I kinda feel sorry for her. D-day was also 2 years ago when I knocked on her door and to this day nothing has changed. I can finally say I'm off the roller coaster and I have taken back my power. Stay focused on YOU....time does heal as well.
Confused4Now Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 I met this man once and we fell deeply in love with each other. Unfortunately this amazing, wonderful, kind man had a dark side. He was an alcoholic, and when he drank he became Mr Hyde. Because of this I ended our relationship after only one month, but we remained friends for life. Fast forward eight years, and his alcoholism and bad temper while drinking got him into a predicament which ended up with him being stabbed to death. My grief was so deep and long lasting I had to question the depth of it. I realized I was grieving our relationship too, what never came to be, what could have been. I realized that there is always a price for love. We pay that price when we lose the person we love, whether it is because the relationship ends or because of the death of the person we love. In my case I had not grieved the loss of our relationship at the time it happened, the grief had been bottled up inside me for all those years. It took me a year of mourning to get over his death. I believe that the deeper we love someone, the higher the price is to pay. The longer it takes.So true....excellent post.
fooled once Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 LS has been an immense support for me and I just want to thank everyone. At times the truth is hard to swallow. At the beginning I thought naively that my pathetic situation was different.... how silly I was! It's been 9 months of roller coaster rides. And after a few anxiety attacks, weight loss, no sleep etc, I have a feeling this A is really coming to an end. Not only because xMM has finally stopped contacting me (hopefully it will last), but in my heart I know this is so bad for me I must simply stop. That I no longer can remain in such a toxic situation, regardless of my feelings for him. That I must get on with my life and treat this as just another chapter. I do wonder how long I will be reading and posting on LS... I like to offer support when I can to other in a similar position... but not in any disrespectful way, I hope I will not include LS in my daily life for much longer... that would signal I have truly moved on. OP, best wishes in your healing. If LS has served its purpose for you, that is its mission. If you choose to stay and contribute like many of us have, welcome my A was forever ago. i am now remarried. i came to LS because a friend forwarded me the link. i read for about a year before joining. i visit the other forums too - especially parenting. i am sure you can offer support and advice on many of the other forums too. just because the affair has ended doesn't mean you need to leave LS. Stay.
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