Coping & hoping!! In disbelief & heartbroken!

[caring guy]

Hi

I posted about my situation on the breaks & breaking up forum, so i'm sorry if i'm going over it all again here, i just feel like i don't know what to do with myself!

 

Me & my partner were living together in our flat!, things tough lately with money issues, her counselling ending about her nan dying, anniversary of her dads death & various childhood issues that affect her now!

 

All this was causing friction & she thought she needed to be alone to get through it but i didn't want to just throw away 11 months that have been great!

We agreed to have some days apart in the week as we have been enmeshed, spending lots of time together & this isn't healthy i don't think & she can see her girl mates & i can do my things!

 

She went to visit her dying nan the other day in hospital & we agreed to see how things went on her return, say for a week or so!

I met her & we had a drink & she said she felt terrible, a relationship disaster, that she was confused & she was a total headcase that i didn't deserve!

 

I'd cooked a surprise meal, baked her favourite lemon buns, got some nice flowers! & she broke down feeling really guilty!!

Her friend was there & she told me she just needed time & was confused & her ex, who treated her terribly was texting her & emailing her & i think she misses his wealth & that his family took her in as there own!

 

For us, it was all about love, not money, she said her best date ever was with me eating hot chips in a park in the snow!! keeping each other warm!

 

I'm in limbo, shock, heartbroken, can't harass her with texts although i asked her how she was!! I don't want to know if she's with her ex that treated her terribly & who she constantly criticized & said how childish he was!!

 

Yes, i'm living, but not, hardly coping unless i have a bottle of vodka & valium!

I'm in disbelief, i want her back so much & to work on things!! & be back to how we were!

 

If i do NC, how do i get my stuff back!! I don't want it back, i wanna take my stuff back!I'm devastated!!

 

I got nothing after i asked if she was ok!!, maybe she just needs to be alone & is confused or she's with her ex which the thought is killing me!!

 

cg

Edited November 21, 2010 by caring guy

[Yvelysse]

One

Get your stuff back,

This gives you a valid reason to see her again.

 

Two

She is gonna take some time.

Be there as a friend now (I know hearing that hurts).

It comes back to a saying. . .

 

If you love something set it free if it comes back its yours if not it was never meant to be.

 

Let her fly a little, she might surprise you.

[caring guy]

I've tried to text message her but with no reply!

Maybe she is having 2nd thoughts & needs space as confused! She said she missed me when ever i was away!

This is maybe a reason she's keeping my stuff!!

 

I have no choice but to set her free!! In can't bombard her with mails!! I guess i have to wait until she contacts me!

 

I want her back so much, i love her with all my heart! Maybe if she gets her time & space, she will miss me as i know she has in the past!!

 

Her facebook status is still the same, in a relationship with me & still has a pic of us up!! I'm looking into that with hope as she wouldn't have this up if she wanted out 100%

 

cg

[caring guy]

Ok, so its 6 days now since i saw or heard from her!! When i picked her up at station to take her for a drink, the wine kicked in & she told me things weren't the same!! Her ex had been sticking his nose in manipulating her that he'd changed, was sorry etc!!

 

I'd cooked a meal, bought flowers, made her fave buns!!, she felt terrible & guilty as i packed my bag, 1 of about 4 i haven't got!

 

She was so upset she went upstairs to her mates flat who was with me!!

I was saying stuff like maybe i should treat girls more like crap & i'd get somewhere!, that i wanted to meet her ex & go tell him where to go & get his own gf, that he had his opportunity! He messed up!

We been together 10 months, them 3 & half years, does that mean anything if he treat her like ****!!

 

I've done NC since, only once to ask her how she was last Sat!

 

I'm torn apart!

I can't contact her yet i need my stuff, really i want to take my stuff back!!

I love her with all my heart!!

She told me even if she did see her ex, it would be the odd date, i know she liked his money & maybe thats why she stayed with him that long!

With us it was all about love, we could walk around £land & have a laugh & it could be comic genius on youtube!!

 

She still has her profile on face**** as in a relationship with me, her pic is still up there as her profile as us, when she could've switched it!!

 

I don't know what to do other than ride the storm!!

 

I want to show her i'm there for her always!! I wrote a hand written letter full of nice stuff, telling her i'm there for her, that she should sort herself out etc but am so upset!!

 

I have no idea whats she's doing!! Who she's with, when she could just be on her own!!

 

Any advice on how to handle this, my letter, my stuff etc!!

 

I'm devastated but am sure will have the day when i see her!!

 

cg

[Scott Clifford]

I know its difficult. It feels impossible to deal with.

But we've nothing now, except hope, maybe fake hope and we might get a cold shower again but at least we've something.

 

Give her some time as I'm trying to do with mine (who has a rough time atm as well). You can not force anything.

 

If nothing happens we'll have to deal with it over time.

[caring guy]

How can i stop imagining her with her ex, she may not be with him! She may be just at home with her girl mate & having alone time!!

 

This is tearing me up!!

 

I can't do anything! I suffer anxiety itself & is doing me no good!!

 

I don't understand why her facebook is still the same if she thought different

 

Her ex would be the cat that got the cream if she went back to him after 10 months!

 

I could contact her mum, her best friend, but am sure it wouldn't do any good!! How long is time & space!!!

Last wek she wanted to go out with me to spa she went on her mates birthday!! Its all seemed different!! & changed!!

 

Maybe she just wants time & space, but i'm imagining her with him in our bed & it kills me!!

[OpMojo]

How can i stop imagining her with her ex, she may not be with him! She may be just at home with her girl mate & having alone time!!

 

This is tearing me up!!

 

I can't do anything! I suffer anxiety itself & is doing me no good!!

 

I don't understand why her facebook is still the same if she thought different

 

Her ex would be the cat that got the cream if she went back to him after 10 months!

 

I could contact her mum, her best friend, but am sure it wouldn't do any good!! How long is time & space!!!

Last wek she wanted to go out with me to spa she went on her mates birthday!! Its all seemed different!! & changed!!

 

Maybe she just wants time & space, but i'm imagining her with him in our bed & it kills me!!

 

Simple answer... don't think about these things. If you do you'll go nuts - seriously - I've been there.

 

Dude, send her an email/text/FB message/whatever and tell her that you're coming over at a set date and time to pick up your stuff. That will prod her into making a "decision" one way or the other which is 100% better for you than the limbo you're in now.

 

IF you take her back, lay down the law - she does ANYTHING like this EVER again and it's over 100% forever.

 

If you DON'T take her back or vice versa, don't obsess, don't cry (well, to her face anyway) - just make a clean break of it and think yourself lucky for getting out of the situation relatively intact.

 

If she's gonna play tennis with your emotions like this, she DESERVES the scumbag ex-boyfriend which leaves you free to move on and find someone worthy of your affections. Confusion on her part isn't an excuse, it's a red flag.

 

You've lost your "power" in this particular series of interactions with your GF/ex-GF. You're being played along and that ain't fair. If it were me, I'd have ditched the biatch ASAP. That makes one woman crossed off your list. You have, what? 3.5 billion women left?

 

Take it easy Brother and lay off the pills and the bottle - they're only making things worse.

[caring guy]

I guess posting here helps me so please excuse if i go on about stuff & say things i've said before or keep stirring the bucket!

 

If i told her i'm coming on say Thursday at 2pm, she may not give a damn, i have no keys!!

 

As i've said, she's changed her pic on facebook to just her but leaft our relationship status!!

 

Would she have asked me to come sooner to get my stuff if she was 100% certain she didn't want me!!

 

I know she has issues like her rape, her dads death anniversary, her nan dying, her lack of childhood, money etc, but i really was there for her 100% & sometimes the stresses affected my anxiety which caused friction!

 

She told me that she didn't see me as the guy she met, the one that made her feel like a woman, wanted, cared for, looked after cos the idiot she was with didn't!!

My analyst says that because of her issues, she can never be in a relationship that is healthy! I understand this, but we had some god damn great times, i mean like soul partners, we could do anything together & it was like 2 becoming 1!!

Just so many good memories i don't wanna give up on, i'm sick of investing myself & meeting people, all for it to get close & then go pear shaped! I can't do it anymore, it'll kill me!!

 

I guess i should take power, i have changed my facebook & am going out on the town on Sat to a school reunion, many girls there, she can see it on FB, will she be bothered, will she be jealous, will it make her consider things i dunno!

I think OpMojo, that you said if I take her back, i thought initially it was her taking me back!!

[caring guy]

I'm very upset!!

I've cried buckets today, can't even begin to think about normal life!

I ended up calling Samaritans!

 

Am wondering why my S/O has not taken her facebook status off as in relationship withe me!!

Also wondering why she hasn't asked me to get my stuff!!

 

I've texted her to ask if we can talk! But no reply!

 

I'm hoping its because she just wants time, but hasn't mentioned my stuff!!

 

She has no pc, only a phone, but could ask her mum to change it for her or go to library to do it!

[Fufu]

caring guy: I understand you are in pain, however you have to seek NC immediately no matter how hard it is now.

 

The more you contact her, the more you will feel depressed and start to second guess her replies or her ignore to you.

 

Provoking dumper = Depressing dumpee

 

The more you wonder why she does this and that, it's going to make you feel even more terrible.

 

Tell yourself this, "I need a break and space right now"

[caring guy]

Its so annoying & painful that her ex has been emailing her & textin her to try win her back & yet the guy who she's been with has no say in the matter & can't do the same!

 

I am not 100% sure she is with him but her facebook is still in relations with me!, does anyone think she would have told me to get my stuff & deleted her profile if she didn't want me & was just sorting her emotions out!

[Fufu]

At this moment, you just give her space, as well as give yourself space.

 

if both of you are mean to be together, it will be. If not meant to be, it will not be.

 

M ex still kept my pictures on his facebook and still have our photo album, but I figured it doesn't mean anything anymore.

[PegNosePete]

Facebook means nothing. My STBX still had her wedding photo as her profile pic for a couple of months after we split. Now she has changed it, and gone back to her maiden name too. So really it means absolutely nothing whatsoever.

 

This might sound a bit harsh dude but I think a split is for the best. I know I was in a situation very similar to yours a few years back and if anyone said what I'm about to say, I would have told them they're wrong. But to be honest I think you're better off without her. She is really too damaged to be in a serious relationship, and you are bearing the brunt of it. You're more of a carer than a partner. This might be your chance to break free. I know you probably don't see it like that (I certainly didn't!) but in a year or 2 you will be glad.

[caring guy]

I understand pegnose!

 

I have just been on the phone to her for the past hour. She called me!

 

We were upset on the phone but relaxed!

 

She realises she doesn't want to be with anyone now as she has to focus 100% on getting herself well & when we've been around each other, its rubbed off a little & caused friction.

 

She wants to meet for coffee & meet maybe weekly! No pressure or no false hopes, me getting hopes up etc or pressure. She wants nobody!

 

I tried to go 50/50 & say lets just maybe date a few times but not stay over etc, but she couldn't do that!

 

All i can do is be cool, calm, & whatever will be! She even said it may be too much for her to see me as she cares so much & has cried so much!

 

I also need to sort my health issues out with anxiety & issues to do with how i was brought up, self centered etc!

 

The relationship has been like 2 people with a broken leg holding each other up! A fantastic analogy!!

 

I'm not going into this meeting with high hopes or any hopes, just cool & light hearted!

Its more than i had, but less than i want!! It may take time to develop, weeks, months, but its more than i had!

[Fufu]

whoa, her replies totally sounded like my ex-bf as well.

 

Said the similiar things... wanted to be friends, can hang out together but told me not to have any false hopes.

 

Said that he won't be dating anyone else, can't seem to love anyone anymore, needed to find himself back and wanted to be alone.

 

However the ugly truth is, she really doesn't want to be in a relationship with you now. It's equally she want out of this relationship no matter what she said.

 

My ex-bf still tells me he thinks of me everytime, misses me, still loves me. But seriously it doesn't mean anything anymore because they just don't want to be with us anymore.

[caring guy]

This is true, but i'm always an optimist!

 

The thing is, its for our well being & to get well!!

 

The 2 people with a broken leg holding each other up is how it was!

 

She still cares massively & we will be in touch & support each other!!

 

We're having coffee on Wednesday!

 

Its more than i could have expected, small steps are better than none!

[9Lives]

This is true, but i'm always an optimist!

 

The thing is, its for our well being & to get well!!

 

The 2 people with a broken leg holding each other up is how it was!

 

She still cares massively & we will be in touch & support each other!!

 

We're having coffee on Wednesday!

 

Its more than i could have expected, small steps are better than none!

 

I been down this road and you are going to get burned! she has all all all the power and you are being stupid by buying into her lame excuses of why she can't be with you. the ex is in the picture and this has a lot to do with why she needs space.

 

your best bet is to flip the script on her cause she thinks you just gonna wait until she makes a decision and DONT DO THAT!!!

 

instead, meet her for coffee and just be cool, ask her when u can get your things, and when u do, start dating and meeting new people. you only got one egg in the basket and it is cracked. she has two in hers. you need to get your swagger back and get yourself a real woman so doesn't hae issues unless u like drama and bullsht.

 

stop being suupportive and start closing this chapter cause she aint worth it. she sounds childish to me and ery emotional. yuck!

[PegNosePete]

Dude just don't be too shocked when she shows up to coffee one day with the new bf. Maybe not this wednesday but it will happen at some point. Just live your life fully and don't put it on hold for the small hope of one day getting back together. If it happens it happens but don't pin all your hopes on it or neglect the other opportunities that come your way.

[caring guy]

She won't do that!! I know! She needs to be alone for her health!!

She has massive feelings for me, couldn't even box my stuff up! Been very upset!

But she has to concentrate on her!! Not 2 people holding each other up!

[PegNosePete]

I guess time will tell. Bet you a cheese sandwich either I or 9Lives are right though. There will be a new guy or her ex on the scene within a couple of months.

[caring guy]

Time will tell, but i trust her!

 

Why does it have to be about some guy, be it her ex or somebody else!!

 

Can't it just be that she has issues she needs to sort alone!!

I know how she's been over time!

[Fufu]

I agree with the time will tell.

 

If both of you work things out together in the end, that's a happy ending and I am very happy for both of you.

 

If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, end up with another guy and you can accept it without feeling hurt. You can continue showing her support. But if you are going to get hurt if she really wants OUT of this relationship for good, best is to seek NC immediately and move on.

 

 

To me, if my ex doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore, no matter how MUCH he loves me, it really doesn't matter anymore.

 

Why will anyone love someone but doesn't want to be with that person, knowing the other person still love them and want to be with them? It just doesn't make sense.

Edited November 26, 2010 by Fufu

[caring guy]

As i said, health issues!!

She & her mum say she needs to be alone to get her head straight!

 

She cares for me & can't even look at my stuff, but knows with my issues of anxiety, we both need to be single to sort ourselves out!

 

She still wants to meet up & que sera sera!!

[Fufu]

All the best for the reconcilitation

[9Lives]

As i said, health issues!!

She & her mum say she needs to be alone to get her head straight!

 

She cares for me & can't even look at my stuff, but knows with my issues of anxiety, we both need to be single to sort ourselves out!

 

She still wants to meet up & que sera sera!!

 

Good Luck Caring Guy. It sounds like a whole lot of bullcrap. I had someone in my life who was confused and all that stuff and He got himself together and broke my heart.

 

Do what you want. We will be here but some of us been on LS for a long time and know how this kind of stuff plays out. Alot of the time, its the same ol way. You are going to get burned! watch and see