Sandy223 Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 Had a beautiful love affair (several years), he pusued relentlessly, gave in ... decided to just focus on the R and keep the other parts of my life intact ... R was as "normal" as possible ... we are truly in love; I knew I didn't want this for my life, and there was nothing I could do about it; I asked him if he was thinking about "IT" (we went into this with him saying he was at that point in his life); long story short - he ended up going into counseling to "figure" this out; I have my own doctor; I didn't want to continue anymore "as if" with nothing being dicussed and no plans for building a real life togeher (his children are grown). Haven't seen him since the summer ... have been talking though; he is seeing the doctor, (apparently he went to the same doctor years before we met because he was thinking about leaving then too) .... write recently about how he loves and misses me so much (we really were very perfect together, in every way, and I was always myself with him ... we are really in love), but he still hasn't solved his issue - doesn't know how to go abotuo doing anytjing without hurting everyone, etc., thinks about me everyday, and everything we did together. Ends up asking if I could see him; told him I loved and missed him, and as much as I wanted too could not now, he wishes things were different - that we could just be together and how much it hurt ... when we were together, we were seeing were thngs could go (both of us), we felll in love, we know now we could be very happy together ... and now that we know this, it has to move forward or not ... he is telling me now he doesn't know what he's doing ... so, in my opinion, if I agreed to see him on those terms, even for one date, it would be the same as me accepting and giving into be the M ... he knows I don't want that ... at the same time, it really is up to him, and if he needs moreo time figuring it out, and exploring his own feelings with the W in the picutre and not me (they are no longer in love), then I feel the best thing I can do is leave him to that .... and, if he really is that in love with me, he will figure it out and we will be together ... on the other hand, if I keep seeing him here and there .... if I let him experience the joy of being with me and us, while we all know it's easier to have your cake and eat it too ... then I can almost guarantee he will do nothing, even if he loves me, and also he may start to devalue and lose respect for me ... if I "sign on" for this arrangemnt of being with him while he hasn't figured things out ... how/why would he do that with me still in the picture? Isn't it easier for anyone to have their cake and eat it too if they could? I love him very much, and want to be with him ... but, I just can't right now ... I don't want this situation for "my life" ... and while I am sad that I can't be with him .. the truth is, the choice is up to him ... we could be together if he made the changes ... so how sad could i realy be? If he came to me tomorrow and said let's talk, I am getting or have gotten separated and/or divorced, and want to talk about what we are doing next ... fine ... I would see him in a heartbeat (e.g,. if we were on the same page and meeting to work things out) ... truth be told, he did come to me saying he was looking into separation once ... so, I agreed to see him ... that is when he said he would go see the doctor (at my suggestion); because he kept asking me what he should do and I could not tell him ... first it's not my position, and I would be bias - anything "advice" I gave him would not be neutral ....so, I let him go with LOVE ... I am so sad ... I know I am doing the right thing .. not seeing him while he is still in limbo and hasn't made any real decisions or plans ... and I don't know what is going to happen ... But ... I can't help but wonder ... are things more likely to work out when/if things transition the people involved -- MM and OW are in love? There were no ultimatums or ugly words ... I just gracefully drifted away in person, giving him/us the time and space to work things out ... I love him very much, and he knows it ... I am also not wavering about what I want for my life .. I was firm, but loving (who would want someone who couldn't stand up for themselves anyway? Besides, that's not me...
BB07 Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 Sorry but I failed to understand very little of your post. Seems you rambled on and it was confusing. Are you an OW?
spice4life Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 (edited) I don't have any answers but wanted to say that I completely identify with everything you said. Nice thoughts. I truly believe that if you have genuine love for someone then you will let them go if the time is not right. Everyone has to figure things out in their own time and in their own way. If they come back and really want to "talk" and truly find a way, that's great. If they don't then at least you have learned what real love is all about and will be moved to find it again. I have found that being in love with someone who is M is truly one of the most painful experiences of my life. I've learned a lot from it and for that I am thankful but I wouldn't wish this painful lesson on anyone. Regarding him losing respect for you, I think it's more about you losing respect for yourself if you allowed yourself to continue being a second option. If you are not respecting yourself then others will not respect you. You did the right thing by standing up for yourself and honoring your right to not settle for less than you deserve. That in itself speaks volumes about you as a person. Good luck and I hope you find the answers that you seek. And, know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Edited November 21, 2010 by spice4life silly mistakes :)
woinlove Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 Some people successfully use withdrawal to incite greater interest from the other person and get them to make more of a commitment. I don't like to behave that way myself, and I have no idea how often it works, but I've heard of it sometimes working. What concerns me is that you posted two years ago, basically in the same state - wanting more commitment from your MM and not knowing how or if you were going to get it. I guess you hadn't tried this partial withdrawal approach yet, but two years seems like a long time to not have moved one way or another after seeking help on how to get things to move. How much longer do you want to give him?
Author Sandy223 Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 thanks everyone, and spice4 life esp. want to clarify that I am not withdrawing to get anyone to do anything ... I am doing it completely, and 110% for my own well being; I am doing what's right for me ... doesn't mean I am not sad, and that a piece of me wonders what if? Not the same thing ....
Author Sandy223 Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 ... oh, and just to clarify; the only time I am given now is to myself, indefinitley, to heal, get better, cry and forward; yes, I am sad, feel good about myself for moving forward on my own and doing what's right for me.
spice4life Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 Some people successfully use withdrawal to incite greater interest from the other person and get them to make more of a commitment. I don't like to behave that way myself, and I have no idea how often it works, but I've heard of it sometimes working. I can honestly say that was not the case with me and I don't get the impression that is the case here either. My case is similar to sandy's in the sense that there was real love involved, but couldn't go anywhere due to the circumstances. Then there comes a point where you have fold your cards and walk away. If you love one another why continue hurting one another? I did it 100% for me and no one else and for no other reason. I'm happy I did and although it was incredibly sad, it was necessary. It still hurts but I know that I will be okay and I hope he will too.
woinlove Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 I can honestly say that was not the case with me and I don't get the impression that is the case here either. My case is similar to sandy's in the sense that there was real love involved, but couldn't go anywhere due to the circumstances. Then there comes a point where you have fold your cards and walk away. If you love one another why continue hurting one another? I did it 100% for me and no one else and for no other reason. I'm happy I did and although it was incredibly sad, it was necessary. It still hurts but I know that I will be okay and I hope he will too. I wasn't quite sure from Sandy's post what the situation was, as she talked about how he would want his cake and eat it too if she didn't walk away and was wondering what might ultimately happen if she did walk. However, she has clarified that she is walking for herself, not because of the some potential outcome. Sandy also says the choice is his. Must be difficult to walk and still think that. I can see walking, thinking you've made a choice and that's it - you've decided to move on and give up. To try to move on and still not give up, leaving the door open for him to "choose" you, seems like agony to me. But perhaps I still don't understand what Sandy is saying. What about you, spice, do you feel you made a decision to give up or do you still hold out hope?
siuys Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 Sandy, I'm sorry but there is nothing more concrete than action. The guys is not even separated. Even if he is, there is still no guarantees. I re-read a book called Dating the Divorced Man and in there it also talks about separated men. There are three types: those who will never leave, those who will eventually leave but aren't ready to and those who are in the process of leaving. If it's all talk and all excuses, he won't, or he isn't ready, no matter how much he says he loves you. My xMM moved out for 6 months only to go back. All the signs told me he is not ready to give up on his M. He is NOT DONE. If he was, he'd be doing things towards change. Inertia ruled. Fear ruled.
spice4life Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 What about you, spice, do you feel you made a decision to give up or do you still hold out hope? If you mean "hope" in the sense, am I still waiting then the answer is no. I came to a point where I had to make choices for myself and what I want and need and the A wasn't it anymore. But I do think that when you fall in love with someone they will always hold a special place in your heart though. I'm not waiting around and holding onto hope and it actually feels good to be at this point. I look forward to future possibilities now more than I ever have in life. I don't want to waste anymore time on hopeless situations. Hope this makes sense or at least clarifies where I'm at. Thanks for asking.
woinlove Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 If you mean "hope" in the sense, am I still waiting then the answer is no. I came to a point where I had to make choices for myself and what I want and need and the A wasn't it anymore. But I do think that when you fall in love with someone they will always hold a special place in your heart though. I'm not waiting around and holding onto hope and it actually feels good to be at this point. I look forward to future possibilities now more than I ever have in life. I don't want to waste anymore time on hopeless situations. Hope this makes sense or at least clarifies where I'm at. Thanks for asking. Yes, I just wanted to understand and your answer makes sense to me. It might also help Sandy as she may not be as far along in the process of moving on.
pureinheart Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 thanks everyone, and spice4 life esp. want to clarify that I am not withdrawing to get anyone to do anything ... I am doing it completely, and 110% for my own well being; I am doing what's right for me ... doesn't mean I am not sad, and that a piece of me wonders what if? Not the same thing .... Hi Sandy...I had to do the same thing...I was sad also, and became sick in my body due to the stress (not from the exR, but from many things)...it was a difficult time, but I survived:) Hang in there girl, you do what you've got to do...((((((((((hugs))))))))), I understand....
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