Still love my ex!

November 21, 2010

I really need some advice and help on moving forward. I made a terrible mistake and had an affair on my husband of 6 years, 2 years ago. The affair, I have since learned was a "Conflict Avoidance" affair, because I felt that I was losing my best friend to a new job that took all of his time away. The guilt, regret, anger, frustration and embarrasment with myself pulled me into a fog that prevented me from seeing him begging me to work on the marriage. I flip-flopped for several months and did everything wrong, now that I'm researching the proper steps that I should have taken.

It's been 18 months since I have been living with my now xHusband (of 2 months), and I have just now started realizing what I have done. The fog has been lifted and I am hating myself for everything that I did to him and our children!!

I told him at our divorce hearing that I have so much regret, and the door is open if he EVER wants to try again. Since then, we have been talking every day, but not approaching the subject. He came over for dinner and I unloaded on him, I broke down in tears and told him that have learned, and will NEVER hurt him again if he gives me a chance.

He has since pulled away, saying that he is too broken... he is in a happy place because nobody can hurt him again because he is a jerk now and refuses to love again. He says that we can't try to work on us because he doesn't ever want to lose me again. Finally, he says his friends will abandon him if he ever gives me another chance.

I understand that he needs to heal from the pain that I caused him and I SO WANT TO help him with that, but he's trying to push me away.

Any ideas on how I can indirectly help him to heal without him thinking that it's 100% motivated on my selfish reasons?

November 21, 2010

A "conflict avoidance" affair! That's some skillful psycho-babble! The first issue is that as long as you label it in such a way, you're really excusing and justifying your actions. Bottom line: you CHOSE to cheat on your husband and ruin your marriage and your family. Once you really accept that you will be much better off.

That said, the only action you can take now is to stay off the subject, not ask and not pressure him. There is little you can do to "heal" him or ease your guilt. If you back off, over time, he may come around. Then again he may not and you will just have to accept that as a fact of cheating. Good luck!

November 21, 2010

I really need some advice and help on moving forward. I made a terrible mistake and had an affair on my husband of 6 years, 2 years ago. The affair, I have since learned was a "Conflict Avoidance" affair, because I felt that I was losing my best friend to a new job that took all of his time away. The guilt, regret, anger, frustration and embarrasment with myself pulled me into a fog that prevented me from seeing him begging me to work on the marriage. I flip-flopped for several months and did everything wrong, now that I'm researching the proper steps that I should have taken.

It's been 18 months since I have been living with my now xHusband (of 2 months), and I have just now started realizing what I have done. The fog has been lifted and I am hating myself for everything that I did to him and our children!!

I told him at our divorce hearing that I have so much regret, and the door is open if he EVER wants to try again. Since then, we have been talking every day, but not approaching the subject. He came over for dinner and I unloaded on him, I broke down in tears and told him that have learned, and will NEVER hurt him again if he gives me a chance.

He has since pulled away, saying that he is too broken... he is in a happy place because nobody can hurt him again because he is a jerk now and refuses to love again. He says that we can't try to work on us because he doesn't ever want to lose me again. Finally, he says his friends will abandon him if he ever gives me another chance.

I understand that he needs to heal from the pain that I caused him and I SO WANT TO help him with that, but he's trying to push me away.

Any ideas on how I can indirectly help him to heal without him thinking that it's 100% motivated on my selfish reasons?

First of all, loyalty is the most important thing to a man. It crushes his ego completely if you're unloyal. This is huge.

Second of all, he came over for dinner, you guys are talking everyday and he's telling you his friends will abondon him if you guys give it a second shot. Sounds to me like he might not want to admit it because you hurt him but he's secretly hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel too.

I wouldn't know what to tell you. I have never been in his position or put someone in that position. I can only tell you to show him and re-assure him that you have changed.

November 21, 2010

I'm sorry, if I were your ex I'd say I'd rather slowly burn in hell than get back with someone that cheated on me.

Do him a favor and eff off and move on.

November 21, 2010

I want to first say thank you for the replies. I know that infidelity is a tough subject, and I respect and appreciate all of your replies, even if they hurt.

I didn't mean my post to seem like psycho babble. I have really tried to research WHY I did what I did, and learn from this terrible mistake. I am not justifying what I did, I know that the failure is my fault and mine alone. I have never been unfaithful in my life and it is so out of character for me. I honestly know that I made a mistake and I am the reason that we are here today. My heart is breaking for him.

My ex husband has gone through the phase of anger and wishing for me to burn in hell, but trust me, that was how he felt for a long time. Ultimately, there was a great marriage before all of this, a very tight loving family and extended family, a broad base of friends and we had a lot going for us.

I know that loyalty is huge for a man. I betrayed his trust, I hurt him so badly that he says he can never love again. I have gotten the same idea from him bleeg, he has sent me very mixed messages lately. I have decided that I am going to work on healing myself, forgiving myself, stop avoiding God for my shame and show my xhusband that I am here, waiting for him.

November 22, 2010

I want to first say thank you for the replies. I know that infidelity is a tough subject, and I respect and appreciate all of your replies, even if they hurt.

I didn't mean my post to seem like psycho babble. I have really tried to research WHY I did what I did, and learn from this terrible mistake. I am not justifying what I did, I know that the failure is my fault and mine alone. I have never been unfaithful in my life and it is so out of character for me. I honestly know that I made a mistake and I am the reason that we are here today. My heart is breaking for him.

My ex husband has gone through the phase of anger and wishing for me to burn in hell, but trust me, that was how he felt for a long time. Ultimately, there was a great marriage before all of this, a very tight loving family and extended family, a broad base of friends and we had a lot going for us.

I know that loyalty is huge for a man. I betrayed his trust, I hurt him so badly that he says he can never love again. I have gotten the same idea from him bleeg, he has sent me very mixed messages lately. I have decided that I am going to work on healing myself, forgiving myself, stop avoiding God for my shame and show my xhusband that I am here, waiting for him.

Sometimes WHY isn't as important as what. It cuts both ways. I've forgiven people for doing malicious, but relatively unimportant things, but I don't think there is any valid reason as to 'why' you would cheat on someone.

November 22, 2010

I don't know. I really feel that the reason is because I didn't talk to him about how I felt. I never told him that I wanted more time with him, I never told him that I missed him without his blackberry and laptop. I'm not saying that any of this is his fault, but a marriage is about communication and working through those little sparks before they turn into fires.

November 22, 2010

I want to first say thank you for the replies. I know that infidelity is a tough subject, and I respect and appreciate all of your replies, even if they hurt.

I didn't mean my post to seem like psycho babble. I have really tried to research WHY I did what I did, and learn from this terrible mistake. I am not justifying what I did, I know that the failure is my fault and mine alone. I have never been unfaithful in my life and it is so out of character for me. I honestly know that I made a mistake and I am the reason that we are here today. My heart is breaking for him.

My ex husband has gone through the phase of anger and wishing for me to burn in hell, but trust me, that was how he felt for a long time. Ultimately, there was a great marriage before all of this, a very tight loving family and extended family, a broad base of friends and we had a lot going for us.

I know that loyalty is huge for a man. I betrayed his trust, I hurt him so badly that he says he can never love again. I have gotten the same idea from him bleeg, he has sent me very mixed messages lately. I have decided that I am going to work on healing myself, forgiving myself, stop avoiding God for my shame and show my xhusband that I am here, waiting for him.

Sometimes WHY isn't as important as what. It cuts both ways. I've forgiven people for doing malicious, but relatively unimportant things, but I don't think there is any valid reason as to 'why' you would cheat on someone.

The fact is you cheated, the rest is semantics.

November 22, 2010

Okay. I got it. Seems as if you're of the mindset "Once a cheater always a cheater". People make mistakes and learn from them every day of our lives. This is what separates the humans from earth worms.

November 22, 2010

Okay. I got it. Seems as if you're of the mindset "Once a cheater always a cheater". People make mistakes and learn from them every day of our lives. This is what separates the humans from earth worms.

I don't believe that at all. I think though, that cheating on someone is a crippling blow to any relationship, no matter how serious.

I don't think that you can't have another functional relationship, but you can't repair what you've done, not with this man.

Even if you patched it up, he will, without question never trust you again.

November 22, 2010

You're right. I cannot repair what I have done... I can only try and work on this point forward. I am willing to do whatever it takes for him to trust me again, even if that means waiting for him, for the rest of my life.

November 22, 2010

You're right. I cannot repair what I have done... I can only try and work on this point forward. I am willing to do whatever it takes for him to trust me again, even if that means waiting for him, for the rest of my life.

Take an objective step back and look at it for a second. Is waiting around for the rest of your life a good idea for you?

You will be miserable and wait for a very long time and probably make yourself a more unattractive person in your exhusband's eyes by doing that.

At a certain point I think you should really take this as a lesson learned. A hard lesson learned, but one that was necessary and you should incorporate it into the rest of your life going forward (not the one you have right here standing still).

November 22, 2010

You've broken his trust. Trust is a hard thing to gain back but it is possible.

November 22, 2010

I agree with Durka, it doesn't matter "why", but you still persist in thinking that the reason has importance. It doesn't. Any woman that cheated on me I would (and have) never speak to them again. No offense to you, but I think your husband would be smart not to get back together with you. Not so much that you wouldn't (so you say) do it again, but because that trust can never come back 100%. I wouldn't want to be married to someone and have any doubt in the back of my mind. I think you learned a hard lesson: don't cheat. I don't think there's any winning him back or his trust. You F'd up. Now move on.

November 26, 2010

First off you do seem to justify your affair and if I was with a woman that did that I would run for the hills.

Can you give more backstory on the affair. How did you meet the OM, did your H know him, did you ever pick the OM over your H and so on

November 26, 2010

Hi lkjh,

I appreciate your post. I feel like the period of time when I was having my affair, I lived in a fog. I pulled away from my family, friends and husband and focused only on the OM. Looking back, I think I did this in shame, deep down I knew I was making a mistake. Cheating is something that I have had VERY VERY strong feelings against, which is why I am trying to find out WHY I did what I did. I know that others have posted saying that the why doesn't matter, but to me it does. This was SO out of character for me, I am shocked and incredibly disappointed in who I was during that phase of my life.

I met the OM at work. We were friends for a few years and my husband never knew him. We began going out after work for drinks and my husband didn't have a problem with this until I came home and told him that I was having feelings for OM. I could not stop going out with OM and the relationship became physical. I told my husband when it became physical and he was very upset, as he should be! I began to question my happiness in the marriage. (Grass is greener syndrome.) My husband was incredibly supportive of our marriage and our family and said that he wanted to work it out, begged me to quit my job. At that point, I thought that if I quit my job I would be "stuck" in a marriage with no way out... I tried several, SEVERAL times to break it off with OM, but couldn't.... at this point we were not physical, but I couldn't stop talking to him! I would go a few weeks and then reach out to him. After a few months of continuing to hurt my husband by not being able to let go, he asked me to move out of our home. He said the entire time, that when I move out our relationship would be over. I had such tunnel vision, and I mistakenly moved out. I rented a house with a year lease. Looking back, I should have moved in with family for a while to head my head straight, but I had pulled so far away from family I know that's why I didn't travel down that path.

Unfortunately, I continued the relationship with the OM after I moved into the rental. Things became very bitter between my husband and I... and he finally filed for divorce 9 months later.

We were both standing in front of the judge answering the questions for our dissolution, when the reality of it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I was walking away from a man that I loved so much, that I hurt so terribly, that I made a family with... I wanted to scream to the judge NO... no I do not want this... but I didn't. I realized that my relationship with the OM has clouded my thoughts for so many months and immediately broke things off with him. (We never lived together) That night, my ex-husband emailed me and told me that he experienced emotions on the day of the divorce that he was not expecting. He said that he felt like a failure, that he wanted his family back, that he wanted his wife back, and that he forgave me. I responded and told him how I felt in front of the judge. We have been talking daily ever since.

I have been doing my best to forgive myself for what I did and use this opportunity to learn from this mistake. I also let my ex-husband know that I am here, that I am fighting for us... that I want to start a new, stronger relationship with him and God. I have never wanted anything so badly in my life, and I have never HURT so badly either. I know however that it is NOTHING compared to what I did to him.

Gees... so sorry for the novel!

November 26, 2010

I am sorry you are going through this but honestly I can't blame him for his apprehension. He feels betrayed and chewed up and spit out. How is he to know you would never do it again when things become unhappy in the marriage for whatever reason? Also chances are he knows men who have been through the exact same thing because these stories are so cliche that it sometimes that these women are all reading from the same script. If you truly want him back then show true remorse and accept 100% blame for it. If there is one thing men loathe it is when the woman who put him through hell and back blames him for everything.

November 26, 2010

Hi Woggle,

I accept 100% of the blame. I know that our marriage was a failure, because of my actions. He keeps saying that we both made mistakes and I'm not fully to blame, but if it weren't for what I did... we would still be together. He has also said that it wasn't the cheating that destroyed us, it was the fact that I left. We truly were an amazingly strong couple, we had gotten through so many trials, difficulty with our blended family... we had made it! And then I messed up so terribly.

You are definitely right, he has told me that he is worried that I will go and leave him again. He asked me if I would be willing to sign a prenup that gave up my full retirement if I left him again... I said ABSOLUTELY! He also asks me at least once a week, "Have you talked to OM?". I know the biggest thing is earning his trust back. He keeps telling me that he's not ready to start working on us again. He says that he is happy right now because nobody can hurt him. He is drinking heavily and avoiding church (he was the one that taught be about the Lord), I know that he is NOT HAPPY. I'm just trying to show him every day that I love him, by waiting for him, working on healing and forgiving myself, getting closer to God and taking baby steps with him.

November 26, 2010

He is happy either or else he would not be drinking. I know after my divorce I lost a good amount of weight and exercised pluse starting taking care of my body which has resulted in me being in the best shape I have ever been. I was doing great at my job and happy as a clam so there was no chance I was ever going back. When he starts showing signs of truly being happy without you then you need to worry but it sounds like he is depressed about the whole thing which means you still have a chance but you have to earn him back. You have to do the hard work it takes to regain his trust and if you love him you will.

November 26, 2010

I'm fighting like crazy and I am not giving up. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.... I have never wanted anything more. I know that we can be stronger and better than ever before.

November 27, 2010

The damage you caused cannot be undone. The best thing you can do is apologize every time you see him, be supportive and assure him that he is better than the OM. Personally I dont think anyone should take someone back after what you did but who knows

If he moves on and starts dating do not stand in his way

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