northern_sky Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 It's weird; I don't know why I feel this way. It's been six months since he dumped me, and I'm basically over him in that I don't think about him very much. I don't feel sadness anymore. I don't miss anything about him. The only feelings that are left are extreme repulsion. I guess the fact that I feel any strong emotion suggests I have a few percentage points left before I'm home free. When I think about the other guys I was with I don't hate any of them, and never truly did, even the ones who mistreated or dumped me. There are some I don't especially care for as people, but nothing close to hatred. And I wouldn't say any of them are bad. He isn't bad either. He is just...barely alive. His mere existence, or partial existence, disturbs me. He seemed so perpetually brain dead. He didn't think. In fact he often told me he didn't care for thinking. I have literally never met another individual who seemed so lifeless. It is hard to fathom unless you meet him. This always bothered me when we were together, but I never really acknowledged it to myself until he dumped me. Also speaking to others who met him, they had the same impression. My roommate said she was creeped out by his blankness. I picture him as this gigantic insect in a city knocking buildings over and creating general havoc. I want to squish him. He's dangerous because he's so dumb but looks innocuous. I feel that he has a lot of people conned into thinking he's a nice, reliable guy, or that he's semi intelligent. I was one of them. I mistook his blankness for hidden depth. I want to rip off his human disguise and reveal the bug inside. I guess that's why his existence disturbs me. He seems like some impostor, pretending to be human.
Fern Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 You're not angry at him really, you're angry at yourself for being taken in by him. Or for letting your desire for a relationship blind you to what a douche he is. I felt exactly the same way. I used to cringe sometimes when I thought about the way I let him treat me. You're not the first - nor will you be the last.
paleblue Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 I start seething when I see my ex gf at work. I just dont show it. I keep it to myself. I dont want to be friends with her. I dont want to know what she is doing. Who she is with, or anything about her. I just want her to leave me alone, permanently. Her voice makes me cringe. Her stupid laugh. Stomping by. Her fakeness. I don't like her hair. I can't stand it. I can't believe I let myself get taken by her. She is loud and annoying to me in general with her big wide open gaping mouth. I never thought I would feel that way about her. Its weird.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 22, 2010 Posted November 22, 2010 What happened to THIS guy? My boyfriend is making me question that belief. He seriously seems to have no flaws of any sort. I realize we've only been together for 4 months, but I feel that I know him on such a deep level that I would be shocked if any flaws emerged after this point. And he's not somebody who works at being perfect either. He just is, and doesn't even seem to realize it. He's so genuinely confident, ethical, happy, kind and considerate without being a doormat. He does things because he loves them, not to gain recognition. His lack of flaws also doesn't make him any less interesting. I used to think I needed to be with somebody who was dark, because only they would understand me. But apparently that's not the case. He's interesting, insightful and complex. And remarkably enough he's not put off by my flaws, but he makes his boundaries known if I ever impinge on them. How is it possible for anybody to be so completely well-adjusted? It blows my mind (in a good way). This is a great example of your pattern of idealizing / vilifying.
Author northern_sky Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 What happened to THIS guy? This is a great example of your pattern of idealizing / vilifying. Nah, that was just before I actually KNEW him. It wasn't until the breakup and his actions after it that I realize how weak he was at the core.
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