Els Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 The bf and I will be moving in together next week - but since his lease expires this week he'll have to pack up, clean up and leave his stuff in the garage first (landlady was nice enough to allow that). Now, he's the traditional giver - very independent, uncomfortable receiving help, pretty bad at receiving help in fact. Today I offered twice to go over to his place and help him pack up after I complete some official obligations at around 6pm, twice he refused. I'm not too sure what to do now. Part of me thinks I really should go help him, because it's a gargantuan task. Part of me is afraid I'll go all the way and end up being a liability instead, though, since he insists he doesn't need it. It's true that it'll be mostly manual lifting, and since I can't do that I'll probably be in the way a little... although I could help with the cleaning and packing. But also, he says he will stay there tonight if he can't finish, and I know I can't stay overnight. Meaning if I go after 6pm, I will have trouble getting public transport back, and would have to return in the dark alone in any case (he could escort me to the bus stand, but then I'd be more of a liability than a help again). So currently I'm leaning towards not going, as he advised... Also, he's bad at appreciating help although very good at giving help, and I very much dislike going all the way only to not be appreciated. I always get grumpy when that happens which has led to a few tiffs in the past.
Sabali Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 Respect his decision. Just respect it. Besides, what if he wants to throw out some personal stuff before he moves in with you?
Author Els Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 I've been in his room countless times - there's nothing hidden from me. I'm fine respecting it. I just feel it's unfair to him to have to do it alone since he helps me with most stuff. He's helped me move, for one. I think he might probably like help, it just goes against his giver/gentlemanly nature to have me do manual work for him.
Sabali Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 I've been in his room countless times - there's nothing hidden from me. I'm fine respecting it. I just feel it's unfair to him to have to do it alone since he helps me with most stuff. A woman I am dating has been in my room quite a number of times but if I had to pack tonight, I wouldn't want her help. The difference with the above situation is that you was fine with him helping you but he wants no help. It is great that you are going to respect his wishes. It is a great way to kick off your cohabitation.
Author Els Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 I think he might probably like help, it just goes against his giver/gentlemanly nature to have me do manual work for him. How about this part?
phineas Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 If I was packing the last thing i'd want is a GF asking me about every little item & whether I want to keep it or throw it out or which box it goes in or garbage bag or.... got it? Is it a whole house or a bedroom? when he needs his space after moving in are you going to give him his space or convince yourself he really doesn't want to be left alone?
krz12 Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 I've been in his room countless times - there's nothing hidden from me. I'm fine respecting it. I just feel it's unfair to him to have to do it alone since he helps me with most stuff. He's helped me move, for one. I think he might probably like help, it just goes against his giver/gentlemanly nature to have me do manual work for him. Why not just bring him takeout lunch or something?
Author Els Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 (edited) If I was packing the last thing i'd want is a GF asking me about every little item & whether I want to keep it or throw it out or which box it goes in or garbage bag or.... got it? Is it a whole house or a bedroom? when he needs his space after moving in are you going to give him his space or convince yourself he really doesn't want to be left alone? Geez. Did I step on your tail or something? It's the bedroom + a part of the shared area of the house he's supposed to clean. I could have done the latter for him if he'd wanted anyway. Or I suppose there's some hidden reason to you why a guy wouldn't want free help cleaning the kitchen. Anyhow, the reason I posted is because really, it'd be easier for me if I don't go. Get a nice Sunday to hit the mall, then relax at home and play some games... or take a 1-hour trip to help someone move, then take a 1-hour trip back in the dark. Hmm, tough choice. Not. The only reason I'm even debating this is because I love that someone, and I feel bad letting someone I love spend the whole day packing and cleaning while I'm relaxing. Also, I recall VertexSquared's post in which he mentioned a (so I thought) similar scenario: His gf was always doing things for him and refusing his offers to reciprocate. The majority of posters told him to man up, stop making excuses, and just DO anyway. Possibly my case is different, then? But since all you guys unanimously say it's fine to do what he says, I figure that's the best solution anyhow. I'll just wash the clothes he left behind so he doesn't have to do them when he comes to my place tomorrow, and cook him a nice dinner then. Or something. Edited November 21, 2010 by Elswyth
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