Is sometimes your knight in shiny armor, nothing but a retarded in tin foil?

[durkadurka]

Like I always say - I don't mind when people are giving me their opinions, because that's what I've asked for. I don't consider any of you a jerk nor am I upset for hearing things that probably you thought I don't want to hear.

I'm not expecting any of you to pop-up and say "I know what's up with him! This is the truth: *inserts story here*". I can't sum up all of our relationship in a couple of paragraphs - that'd be impossible.

Sometimes I just need to hear what other thinks... you know, some outside opinions... even if in my head I have thought about each and every possibility for his behavior.

I think he just got scared and that's all. And I got too, and as a bonus, I also start to seem desperate. I just don't understand why he was "brave" enough to come and see me, if he knew it won't continue? Why did he have plans and now he doesn't?

I'm trying to contact him because Tuesday I was very sick. Friday, while I was still online, I took some meds and I accidentally fell asleep. I woke up one hour before he was supposed to leave from work and I saw he didn't even asked if I'm feeling any better, or tell me that he's busy. I told him that, he said he sees no problem, then he got really upset because he thought we were having a fight and he signed-off IM. He simply let me there like that.

Durkadurka, he lives with a family member. During weekends we both mind our own business. I study for school, I clean around the house, he does the same, we're going to shop for house supplies and so on. I don't mind for not talking to him 2 days a week. But, in the past, we used to talk once in a while. And if we didn't, we used to send each other messages.

 

I've grasped onto this from your first post, you have a pathological obsession with trying to figure out why he is doing what he is doing. Most other members here, myself included, have done that. But I've never seen someone obsess like you have. It's crazy.

 

Why isn't nearly as important as what he's doing. Most of the things you are telling us isn't nearly as important as the others.

 

He is probably saying there is no problem you you will leave him alone for a little while. What he did in the past has no bearing on what he is doing now.

 

Someone probably just pointed out to him just how ridiculous it is.

 

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you are a stage 5 clinger, and guys can't stand clingers.

 

This whole series of posts just makes my brain want to explode.

[victoria.v]

I had no idea this is like a some sort of disease that even has stages.

I'm not trying to be a clinger, but I have my reasons why I want to solve some things out.

On the other side maybe you can understand that I had plans of moving, I kept imagining how everything's going to be - and now I'm very disappointed. I'm hurt too. And probably I'm obsessing why he's now like that, but I do that because I just can't believe how much he changed. That's all.

[durkadurka]

I had no idea this is like a some sort of disease that even has stages.

I'm not trying to be a clinger, but I have my reasons why I want to solve some things out.

On the other side maybe you can understand that I had plans of moving, I kept imagining how everything's going to be - and now I'm very disappointed. I'm hurt too. And probably I'm obsessing why he's now like that, but I do that because I just can't believe how much he changed. That's all.

 

I just got out of a 2.5 year long relationship that involved my ex moving to another city. Some of her actions became odd after I visited her, ultimately I found out she was seeing someone.

 

I know why you are trying to find answers, but if you force it you won't get the real answers.

 

Heck, most of the times people won't ever get the real answer.

[victoria.v]

Well, I realize that if I'm forcing myself to find an explanation for this, I won't get it. Only he know what's in his head... so, what I'm doing is mostly in vain. But that doesn't mean that I'm not confused or hurt. I wasn't trying to call him and interrogate him, I wanted to explain him something.

I'll let you know what happens, and I'll stop contacting him at least until Monday.

Thanks again.

[threebyfate]

victoria, how often do people give true reasons for a break up of any kind, regardless of cyber-LDR or not?

 

If you consider how he's already shown cowardly behaviour by hiding behind a computer monitor while withdrawing, what makes you think he would ever give you an explanation of his behaviour?

 

And even if he does, are you certain you wouldn't try to change his mind or for that matter, believe him?

[cerridwen]

Victoria, please consider this: Your LDR over a computer served him well and once you met, the closeness was a turn-off to him--not you, not anything you did but simply having the distance removed was the turn-off. Some people with commitment issues prefer a cyber-relationship as it allows for the illusion of closeness without closeness actually being the case.

 

He began to cool after you hooked up and as you began to make plans to meet again. Add to it that you began to cling somewhat and it's not surprising (nor is it admirable) that he's gone underground.

 

Please try to relax and not take his actions as an indication of your worth.

Edited November 21, 2010 by cerridwen

[Els]

I've grasped onto this from your first post, you have a pathological obsession with trying to figure out why he is doing what he is doing. Most other members here, myself included, have done that. But I've never seen someone obsess like you have. It's crazy.

 

Why isn't nearly as important as what he's doing. Most of the things you are telling us isn't nearly as important as the others.

 

He is probably saying there is no problem you you will leave him alone for a little while. What he did in the past has no bearing on what he is doing now.

 

Someone probably just pointed out to him just how ridiculous it is.

 

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you are a stage 5 clinger, and guys can't stand clingers.

 

This whole series of posts just makes my brain want to explode.

 

Don't put this on her. No matter what she does now, no matter how long she leaves him alone, something happened when they met. And nothing she does or doesn't do now will change that.

 

What do you expect someone in love to do when someone who loved them suddenly pulls away? Do you expect them to be all rational and say, "Well, I won't contact him and I'll give him til Monday, if he doesn't keep in touch I know it's over" and be fine with that? The OP's reaction is a normal one, from what I've seen. If she's a 'stage 5 clinger', probably 80% of the human population is a 'stage 5 clinger'.

 

OP, I really think TBF has it right. He probably realized, after meeting, that the in-person contact wasn't the same as what he built up in his head, thus diminishing his interest. I'm sorry.

[victoria.v]

Thanks to all of you.

I'd like to make things a bit more clear. I'm not trying to call him and ask him explanations for his behavior or for our rupture. No, I plan to never bring this subject into our conversation(s) again. I was trying to call him and explain him that Friday we weren't having a fight, that I don't know why he had to sign off, without letting me to finish my sentence.

 

When we met, everything was great and we did all (or most of) the things we previously talked about. After we came back, for around one month, he was really ok and we kept talking about the next time and what we'll do then. So, our rupture wasn't right after we met.

 

I'm not trying to "squeeze" explanations from him. But I need to sort out my thoughts. I have considered myself insane and irrational too many times - so I need an explanation for myself.

A while ago I was browsing for Universities in US, I sent e-mails and letters to ask for more details, I searched for international scholarships. I was planning to take all of the standardized tests they require, I searched for programs that would allow me to leave & so on. Needless to mention that I was already imagining how living with him would be like. So yeah, I don't think I'm being upset and trying to find an explanation for nothing.

 

From his "explanation" I received last week, I got nothing clear (if he still wants something with me, or not). He said something both TBF & cerridwen mentioned: that after we met and we did all those things we imagined, he stopped feeling the need to imagine them. On one side he said he started seeing me more as a friend and that we can't be together now, but on the other side he said he's still attracted to me from every point, that the future isn't certain and maybe we'll be together. I did not get a clear answer from him, I dropped the subject and that's why I don't ever want to talk about it again.

 

I believe he keeps contradicting himself, and that's not my fault. Yes, I will accept things as they are and I'm trying to move on - but I can't just abandon my dreams & hopes over night and be super-rational. I'm disappointed and I feel betrayed by a very good friend (because above all, that's what he is/was for me). It's too quick for me to stop suffering and to learn a lesson out of it.

 

In case it helps anyone, I'm writing down a tiny list with situations in which he contradicted himself. Maybe that'll explain better why I'm confused.

* he said he can't just be with anyone, that you have to know your partner, that intimacy is the key and that he has no commitment problems (it's true that he didn't have A LOT of relationships) - BUT then he said that he didn't have many lasting relationships, that he previously broke up because of a LDR and he broke up (after 4 yr) with an ex that wanted to marry with him.

* at one point he asked me if I want to be his girlfriend (I had no time to answer), then he added that we'll have to meet first and see how are we going to make it work - THEN, when I asked him if he wants for us to be together, he refused and he said he knew a LDR won't work.

* when I noticed he's changed, I asked him if I'm bothering him while he's working and he said "nope, you're just imagining, you should make a habit in doubting any negative thoughts about us" - one week later he said I'm a distraction for him, and that he probably should stop talking to me while he's at work because he can't concentrate.

* he said I should stop pretending that he's there with me, because that's stupid. I have tons of messages and e-mails in which he was saying "pretend I'm there with you, holding you/ snuggle your pillows and pretend it's me/ I wish you could crawl in my bed right now and spend the whole morning under blankets/ dream about me, because I'll sure be dreaming about you"...

* last week he said the "friend" thingie and that we can't be together (he insisted a lot on this) ADDING that he's still attracted to me and maybe there's a chance for us. Of course, Monday came - when he was suddenly interested about how I feel, what I'm doing and when he had plans for the "next time". When a couple of days later I presented him a real possibility for me to leave for my whole summer vacation in US, he did not seem interested.

Hmmm

Edited November 21, 2010 by victoria.v

[Sivok]

Victoria,

 

I'm a guy like yours. I've been in two LDRs in the past that didn't turn out well. Let me explain them.

 

First, two summers ago, I met a girl on a dating site who was everything I had desired in a woman. She had the perfect look I liked (ebony hair with piercing green eyes, tanned skin), the same interests, very compatible sense of humor, and a kinky/creative sex drive. Best of all, she also had an accent .

 

We talked everyday on the phone for 1-2 hours for a period of 3 months. We understood each other perfectly. At times I'd say a goal or desire of mine and it would reflect hers perfectly. Vice versa as well. She could cheer me up with ease and I could do the same. I live in the US, she lived in Germany. That August I was coincidentally going on a Eurotrip, and Germany was a destination already preplanned.

 

When we finally met in person, the chemistry just wasn't there (atleast on my side). She was much different than I had imagined she was, and I didn't feel that magnetic attraction I did over on the phone. It was extremely disappointing, and I let her down easy.

 

Second Story. Last winter I met a girl online who lived on the opposite coast. We had very compatible senses of humor, we understood each other, and we had compatable sex drives as well. Again we met in person, and I just didn't feel it. She was different in person, or at least not how I imagined her. We did meet up one more time after, but I do regret doing so. I no longer felt the same way she did, and our breakup wasn't a pleasant one.

 

Moral of the Story - When you speak to someone long distance before actually meeting them, you view them as a projection - not the whole person. You take what you know about them, and plug in all the perfect traits you desire in what you don't know. That amplifies your attraction to the other person, seeing each other as soul mates, never imagining you can meet someone else like that and be so lucky. Then you meet in person, and that image you had of the other person was 50% of your own fabrication - they're not what you imagined, not that perfect dream person. Sure the first few days will be engulfed with infatuation... But when reality sets in, you view things more objectively, and that's when you realize that person isn't what you wanted/expected. It sucks, but the logic behind it makes sense. I know it's not easy to hear, but I hope it makes your situation a bit clearer.

[victoria.v]

Thanks for your input. That could happen to anyone, without being someone's fault in particular. Indeed, it's one of the possibilities and I'm not excluding it.

I'm still in the phase when I'm trying to accept things as they are and... whatever will be, will be. I can't change anything, anymore.

Allow me to ask you something - just out of curiosity - after you returned from your trips, have you told those girls that something wasn't as you expected? Or you let them think that everything was fine?

After we came back he kept talking about how great everything was, how much he wanted to do it again, and how happy his parents, friends & relatives were for his perfect trip.

[ocatherine]

He stated how each relationship went down, Victoria.

 

Felt empathy for you in the beginning but as of now, I only see you looking for what you want to read and/or hear. You've been inconsiderate to those here that have offered advise, and frankly, your going to do what's necessary for you without any regard to those in this forum or your LDR. Best of luck to you.

[Eeyore79]

It sounds to me like he's met someone else, especially since he's started giving you the line about how he needs someone in real life, not just a virtual girlfriend. He was all into you while he was lonely and had nobody, but he's obviously met someone in real life and your virtual relationship is no longer enough for him. You filled a gap for him while he had nobody, and now he's moved on.

[durkadurka]

Thanks for your input. That could happen to anyone, without being someone's fault in particular. Indeed, it's one of the possibilities and I'm not excluding it.

I'm still in the phase when I'm trying to accept things as they are and... whatever will be, will be. I can't change anything, anymore.

Allow me to ask you something - just out of curiosity - after you returned from your trips, have you told those girls that something wasn't as you expected? Or you let them think that everything was fine?

After we came back he kept talking about how great everything was, how much he wanted to do it again, and how happy his parents, friends & relatives were for his perfect trip.

 

Pipe dream.

[ocatherine]

Don't put this on her. No matter what she does now, no matter how long she leaves him alone, something happened when they met. And nothing she does or doesn't do now will change that.

 

Fully agrees with this statement. However sometimes its a matter of how one goes about trying to figure out what happened, rather than waiting to find out (ie. giving that person time and space). Personally, I feel that one can become so all-consumed with oneself to find answers, that it only pushes the other person further away.

[durkadurka]

Fully agrees with this statement. However sometimes its a matter of how one goes about trying to figure out what happened, rather than waiting to find out (ie. giving that person time and space). Personally, I feel that one can become so all-consumed with oneself to find answers, that it only pushes the other person further away.

 

I think the words you are looking for are psycho and obsessive.

[ocatherine]

I think the words you are looking for are psycho and obsessive.

 

If I've read correctly, you've also demonstrated some of these qualities. Therefore, I don't think ANYONE should be so quick to judge someone that is an earlier stage than us (although we may feel that we want to wring some sense into them). I totally get the stages that everyone is going through, and given that your 300+ posts and have obviously been here a while, take a step back and recall when you when you first stumbled across this site.

[Fern]

If I've read correctly, you've also demonstrated some of these qualities. Therefore, I don't think ANYONE should be so quick to judge someone that is an earlier stage than us (although we may feel that we want to wring some sense into them). I totally get the stages that everyone is going through, and given that your 300+ posts and have obviously been here a while, take a step back and recall when you when you first stumbled across this site.

As my nephews would say: 'BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!'

[Sivok]

Thanks for your input. That could happen to anyone, without being someone's fault in particular. Indeed, it's one of the possibilities and I'm not excluding it.

I'm still in the phase when I'm trying to accept things as they are and... whatever will be, will be. I can't change anything, anymore.

Allow me to ask you something - just out of curiosity - after you returned from your trips, have you told those girls that something wasn't as you expected? Or you let them think that everything was fine?

After we came back he kept talking about how great everything was, how much he wanted to do it again, and how happy his parents, friends & relatives were for his perfect trip.

I told the first one before I left Europe. The second one, I didn't, no. I knew she wasn't the person I thought she was. I strung her along, saw her a second time, and realized more clearly that she's not the one I want to be with. I then strung her along more, until she absolutely felt something was up - in which we had a harsh argument which lead to the breakup. In the end, that was a mistake and I should have let her go right then. Your guy seems to be stringing you along. His eyes are wandering, as mine did

[ocatherine]

As my nephews would say: 'BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!'

 

Not sure what your saying, nor can I imply the reference... considering that I neither know you or your nephews, Fern, please explain.

[Fern]

Not sure what your saying, nor can I imply the reference... considering that I neither know you or your nephews, Fern, please explain.

 

I was trying to lighten the mood after you were quite aggressive with one of the other posters. Never mind. You're kinda rude. Or maybe aspergers. Either way, I'm not really interested in interacting with you again now that I've read some of your other posts. Good luck to you anyway in whatever you're going through.

[Brandi 2]

I have only read you first post, so I am sure you have had many replies, I hope I don't duplicate to waste your time.

 

If it were me, I would not talk to him anymore. Your experience reminds me of the book I recently read about men who can't love (and that is the name). They throw themselves completely into the relationship until it comes time to commit in some area, then they drop their victim like a bad habit, sometimes they blame it on the other person, real weird. Some guys would take it clear up to the point of the alter and then run.

 

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You should forget him. Please.

[cerridwen]

Victoria,

 

Moral of the Story - When you speak to someone long distance before actually meeting them, you view them as a projection - not the whole person. You take what you know about them, and plug in all the perfect traits you desire in what you don't know. That amplifies your attraction to the other person, seeing each other as soul mates, never imagining you can meet someone else like that and be so lucky. Then you meet in person, and that image you had of the other person was 50% of your own fabrication - they're not what you imagined, not that perfect dream person. Sure the first few days will be engulfed with infatuation... But when reality sets in, you view things more objectively, and that's when you realize that person isn't what you wanted/expected. It sucks, but the logic behind it makes sense. I know it's not easy to hear, but I hope it makes your situation a bit clearer.

 

Brilliantly said Sivok. I wanted to write something just like this in addition to my previous point but couldn't find the words. I also had a LD-cyberR and experienced disappointment once we met. It wasn't a complete let down--just not what I expected or had hoped for. When we parted, I hyped myself up trying to make the best of it but the more time that went by, the more I saw it wasn't going to work. My feelings simply began to fade.

 

Victoria, does this resonate with you? Perhaps as something your ex may be experiencing?

[victoria.v]

As an update, things are starting to make more sense to me.

I had a really short conversation with him today - I did not ask him any questions, I did not interrogate him and I did not mention anything about our "relationship" - he was very cold, distant and ended up treating me like crap.

The situation is pretty clear for me now, and yes I can accept that something happened, and he wasn't as determined as I was to invest into a possible nice relationship. I know it has been my fault in some places, but I haven't lied to him with anything or tricked him to believe that I'm something else.

It still hurts, but I can't afford letting myself down in the first place, I can't accept being this obsessive bi*ch because it causes me a lot of pain nor can I accept being treated bad out of the fear of losing him.

I'm sad it ended like this (isn't it strange how people that once loved or cared about each other, can become so estranged?) and right now, but life goes on, right?