Is sometimes your knight in shiny armor, nothing but a retarded in tin foil?

[victoria.v]

I’m currently going through things I have no explanation for. I do not know why they’re happening or how did I end up like this. All I know is that they hurt, that I’m confused and that sometimes I’m wondering if my knight in shiny armor was nothing else but a retarded in tin foil.

 

It all started when I met this man – half hero, half child – a guy so attractive for me, that if I would have been a falling star, I would have veered off my course and gone his way.

 

He was everything I have ever dreamed of, he was like a hero for me – charming, smart, cute, silly, handsome, brave, caring, secure and on his own. We started off as friends (after all, I should mention that we live in different countries, different continents) – but we soon realized there’s more between us. We were attracted to each other from every point of view. Gradually, we saw that we’re very much alike and that we share the same views about life (social life, relationships, marriage, sexual life, religion & so on) – we have similar interests, we wanted to visit the exact same places for the exact same reasons, we have the same phobias and we even have the same allergies. For me it was “awesome” to know I can share with him that type of things you’d be sure no one else would understand (or that you’d be considered weird because of them) – and to hear “darling, I can understand you because I’m the same”.

 

He was very confident, and motivated me to be the same. I liked his easy going style and the fact that he was very playful with me. For almost one year everything was such a nice dream I can’t even describe… He was interested into me, he used to care about me and to anxiously wait to get in touch with me… He recalled all kind of things I said I like or that I’m interested in, and he used to send me plenty of surprises; he used to send me messages all the time (especially in those times you wouldn’t expect someone to think about YOU… and when you see that they do, it makes you feel special). It would take me ten pages just to describe how careful and affectionate he was with me.

 

Whenever I was scared or worried, he used to calm me down in the nicest way possible. He even had future plans that included me, and he always told me to imagine our future together. I had no problem sharing with him my dreams or my wildest fantasies. When he had busy days at work, he used to say that he spends 59 minutes working, just to share one with me. There are plenty of things he said, I cannot forget – things that made me forget about the distance between us, things that made me think that he worths the fight - I cannot forget his affection, his way of making me feel special, the fact that we didn’t ever argue or when he was saying that he’ll take care of me (metaphorically speaking), when he was telling me to snuggle my pillows and pretend he’s there with me… when he was telling me that he needs me close and wants to inhale my scent and that he loves all the gentle moments we imagine together (and this used to happen daily).

 

Before meeting me this year, in August, he knew exactly how I am, he saw every inch of my body and he always used to say that he hasn’t seen any port of my body that’s not adorable. And then… we met. Everything went great, he brought me stuff even I forgot about, I was excited, he was very careful to all of my needs and sexually, everything was amazing. I felt compatible with him…

 

After we came back, things were ok for a while. He used to mention me about “the next time” and what we’ll do then… but gradually, everything started to change. Affection started to disappear, I stopped receiving messages, surprises or warm snuggles and kisses before sleep. I didn’t change… whenever I wanted to be affectionate and cute to him, he rejected me. He told me to stop talking about sex, he told me to stop “hugging” him, because that’s impossible.

 

And last week, something I have always feared, happened. He told me that his feelings for me changed and that because of the problems our “relationship” has, he started to see me only as a friend. Before we met, he told me that after we’ll meet in reality, we’ll officially be a couple. After all, that was the whole point of our meeting. So, in the last day of our trip I asked him if he wants to be together with me. Of course he refused, but told me that nothing is going to change. I moved on, even if I was disappointed. Also, last week he also told me that he can’t be emotionally invested into a LDR, that he knew it’s not going to work and he’s not going to wait for me until I find a way for us to be together and that he wants his girlfriend to be more than virtual. But, isn’t this a bit contradictory? Why did we meet then? When I asked him if we can be together for real, I wanted something more than virtual, and I was ready to offer him this, and to make some sacrifices so that we can be together. I still believe my question was a normal one, even if he’s accusing me that it caused our rupture.

 

Lately, he keeps telling me that I’m too clingy, he once told me that probably he should stop talking to me while he’s at work (and that’s the only time when we can talk) because I’m a distraction for him… Now I’m afraid of even telling him “hi”, I’m afraid I’ll get rejected once more and it’s strange because once in a while, he still acts cute and tells me that everything’s the same and mentions me about the next time we’ll meet.

 

I’m confused, and you can’t even imagine how many times I thought I’m the “mad” one – but isn’t his behavior strange too? Last week for example, Monday he was pretty ok, then acted uninterested all week long, and Friday he simply signed off IM, because he thought we were having a fight. And he simply let me there, with no right to give him an explanation. Not to mention that now he's rejecting my phone calls and probably he's super mad...

 

If someone has any insight... I'll listen to any opinion. Thank you like always.

[carhill]

Short version is he had his sexual fling. He told you what he felt you wanted to hear to make that happen.

 

Wish I had time for the long version. Suffice to say few LDR's are easy. The clear mandate is to *accept* the *actions* of the now.

 

I'll guarantee you if you disappear, he'll be looking for you. It's a game with these guys.

 

I remember having similar experiences with a lady in the CIS, including sexual relations, prior to meeting my exW. Once she and I did meet and start dating, I did inform the other lady of our circumstances immediately, so there was no ambiguity.

 

I won't presume to know what this man's reasons or methodologies are, but can extrapolate from my life experience. Step back for awhile and consider other options. If it was meant to be, it was. If not, not.

[durkadurka]

Not once in this post do you mention anything that you did for him, you sound self involved and maybe a bit clingy.

 

I think he's like a rechargeable, he's given and given and given, and he's out of juice. Long distance takes a **** ton of energy.

 

It might not have anything to do with you at all.

[threebyfate]

For almost one year everything was such a nice dream

This encapsulates the cyber relationship. Both of you were living a dream where you filled in the blanks of what you knew of each other.

 

After you met, something was lacking in the real life chemistry compared to his expectations of it, so he backed off and reconsidered. You're not at fault and neither is he for not meshing in real life.

 

But he should have been honest with you about what happened when you met. That he chose to hide behind a monitor to avoid conflict during your meeting, pretty much sums up his character. Dude needs a COWARD stamp placed on his forehead.

[victoria.v]

I didn't want to mention what I did for him, because this wasn't about me. I was the same as affectionate. I used to send him surprises too, cute messages & so on. He still gets those. I was ready to change my whole life, just so we can be together. I was ready to fight for him and for what we had. As I was saying, I didn't change.

And I don't think this was about sex. You don't make extreme financial sacrifices and you don't fly across half of the world, just to meet someone for sex. You don't spend one year being affectionate and careful, just to get someone in your bed. He could have done this at home, in his country, without investing one year into me, without that much money and without billions of hours of conversation with me. That doesn't make any sense in my head.

Should I mention that he previously had commitment problems? But I thought everything was going fine, and it won't represent a problem for us.

[carhill]

After we came back, things were ok for a while. He used to mention me about “the next time” and what we’ll do then… but gradually, everything started to change. Affection started to disappear, I stopped receiving messages, surprises or warm snuggles and kisses before sleep. I didn’t change… whenever I wanted to be affectionate and cute to him, he rejected me. He told me to stop talking about sex, he told me to stop “hugging” him, because that’s impossible.

 

OP, since this is an example of something you 'did' for him, offering him intimacy to the best ability you could long-distance, expand on that. How often, say during a week, did you have such contact? Did you also do video chats?

 

My instinct is he's met someone else, but there are no facts to support it. It sounds like the classic fade, but durkadurka could be onto something if you and he were having intensive contact at your insistence.

 

My final offering is that, sometimes, things just don't work out. Nobodies 'fault', but just how it goes.

 

My advice, if you ever encounter a similar situation, is to invest gradually over time and meet in person as quickly as possible after mutual 'like' is established. This inhibits virtual formation of attachments. If things don't work out, then the pain of loss is less.

[victoria.v]

What happened then, that caused our rupture was that I've asked him if he wants to be together with me. Then his whole fantasy was destroyed. But I needed somehow to be together with him, because I was ready to change continents (and you can realize what this involves) just so we can be together.

[carhill]

Cross-posting obviated my edit, which appears below:

 

Edited to add that, unless you visited him in his home and lived in his country with him, it's impossible to know exactly how much sacrifice he made and what he did with the time outside of your contact with him. That's the life lesson I've learned from traveling the world and immersing in other cultures. Everything isn't always as it seems.

 

-=-------

 

From your further posting, it's entirely possible that his own fears of reality, which often is a far cry from virtual romance and long-distance intrigue, overwhelmed him.

[victoria.v]

@carhill - I invested a lot of time and effort in keeping him entertained. Any way possible. For a couple of months we used to have "that" type of contact weekly. Sometimes it was more frequent than other times, but it was weekly. He has tons of videos and pics with me - that vary from me "presenting" him all kind of silly stuff up to kinky ones. He used to ask me to keep video journals for him, in which I was telling him how my day was... And whenever he used to see something interesting, he used to make videos & pics for me.

We didn't do video chats because when we talk, he's at work - and that would have been a bit weird

We met as soon as possible (I was having a couple of exams at that time, and I had to be done with them, before meeting him) and there was that chemistry while we were together in real life...

*sorry for the cross-posting too.

and as a later edit - I know what he does all day long. He's at work until evening, then he goes home, watches TV or plays video games. He rarely goes out, and when he does I know he goes with his friends (most of them are married and the same type as him).

Edited November 20, 2010 by victoria.v

[carhill]

Tell me about the last time you contacted him by phone or IM while at home. I realize, due to time differences, this could have been in the middle of the night for you. I've done this ten time zones away when I was involved with someone in the CIS so I know how it goes. When desire is there, and it *sounds* like it was for both of you, you figure out a way.

 

Other than this plan you were working on to come to his location to 'be with him', had you ever proactively said 'hey, I'm going to buy some plane tickets and come visit you', since you apparently met early on in the year you've been involved. If yes, what was his response? If no, why not? Did he ever invite you to come visit him, offering to pay?

 

I'm covering things I've done in personal interactions of the same type. In my case I visited the ladies and also paid or shared their expenses to visit me. IME, this is pretty normal action for long-distance romantic relationships.

 

I realize none of this 'changes' anything, but understanding and acceptance can lead to a healthy conclusion. Getting it 'out' can help, IMO.

[victoria.v]

There's an 8h time difference between us. In my country it's almost 10PM now, and in his it's 2PM.

I tried contacting him 2 minutes ago, and his robot answered. He's not answering to my phone calls, but this is something I MUST talk to him through phone. I can't do it online, because instead of solving our problems, he'll get annoyed, I'll get upset and he'll simply stop talking to me.

I'm a student. My plan was to go and study in his country. He came up with that idea, and he always used to encourage me to follow this dream of mine.

I can't just go and visit him, because I don't have the money or VISA. I made a huge effort to save up money for our trip (and I know he did the same, because he's having money problems... but he still came to see me).

Two days ago I told him that my University offers to its students a some sort of program that allows you to go to US (wherever you want), as long as you'll have a job-contract there and a place where to stay, for my whole summer vacation. It was obvious that this could have been a way for us to meet again. But his response was "cool". What can I reply to that? I've asked him if I should ask more details about this program (which costs, btw), and he said "if you like". In my mind I was like "that's all? ALL? Monday you were talking about wanting to see me again, and now when there's a REAL possibility for that to happen, you say nothing?". Of course, I droped the subject. I didn't want to bother him, and I knew he's busy... so I said "I'll let it go".

Now... I have to talk to him, but how? I can't simply wait until Monday, when he'll probably say that I'm the one to blame...

[durkadurka]

There's an 8h time difference between us. In my country it's almost 10PM now, and in his it's 2PM.

I tried contacting him 2 minutes ago, and his robot answered. He's not answering to my phone calls, but this is something I MUST talk to him through phone. I can't do it online, because instead of solving our problems, he'll get annoyed, I'll get upset and he'll simply stop talking to me.

I'm a student. My plan was to go and study in his country. He came up with that idea, and he always used to encourage me to follow this dream of mine.

I can't just go and visit him, because I don't have the money or VISA. I made a huge effort to save up money for our trip (and I know he did the same, because he's having money problems... but he still came to see me).

Two days ago I told him that my University offers to its students a some sort of program that allows you to go to US (wherever you want), as long as you'll have a job-contract there and a place where to stay, for my whole summer vacation. It was obvious that this could have been a way for us to meet again. But his response was "cool". What can I reply to that? I've asked him if I should ask more details about this program (which costs, btw), and he said "if you like". In my mind I was like "that's all? ALL? Monday you were talking about wanting to see me again, and now when there's a REAL possibility for that to happen, you say nothing?". Of course, I droped the subject. I didn't want to bother him, and I knew he's busy... so I said "I'll let it go".

Now... I have to talk to him, but how? I can't simply wait until Monday, when he'll probably say that I'm the one to blame...

 

Clinger.

 

Just leave him alone for a day or two, give it a rest. Because if you keep calling him he's going to be able to justify calling you a clinger.

 

You are desperate right now and you need to give it a rest for a day or two.

[carhill]

I'll second that advice and add to, when *calling* him, do it at a time you know him to be generally at home.

 

Call one more time, leaving a message requesting him to call you if you get voicemail, and then leave it at that. No further contact. If he contacts you online, request that he call you. 'Call me'. No elaboration.

 

He can then shyte or get off the pot. Up to him.

 

As are all experiences in life, this is a good one. Learn from it.

[durkadurka]

I'll second that advice and add to, when *calling* him, do it at a time you know him to be generally at home.

 

Call one more time, leaving a message requesting him to call you if you get voicemail, and then leave it at that. No further contact. If he contacts you online, request that he call you. 'Call me'. No elaboration.

 

He can then shyte or get off the pot. Up to him.

 

As are all experiences in life, this is a good one. Learn from it.

 

He hasn't picked up her calls and hasn't tried to contact her. I think he's broadcast his message loud and clear.

[ocatherine]

Lately, he keeps telling me that I’m too clingy, he once told me that probably he should stop talking to me while he’s at work (and that’s the only time when we can talk) because I’m a distraction for him.

 

I'm terribly sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain. However, after reading through your entire entry I saw a HUGE red flag. Personally, I believe its possible that he's already involved and/or married.

[victoria.v]

I know he's at home right now. That's why I called him. I let him a message asking him to answer to his phone. I won't contact him anymore, even if... it seems so hard to do. I can't just go to sleep knowing he's upset with me.

Apparently, I'll have to wait until Monday.

In a previous post (you'll find it a couple of posts below), called "Have I made a mistake" - I was explaining why I'm trying to contact him right now, and what happened friday.

Anyway... I know it's a life experience and that I'll move on... but it's hard to do, after we had plans together and after I was ready to make so many changes. It's hard to quit at those things, and hard to forget all the nice moments we shared together... Sometimes I'm thinking there will be no one like him. It sounds over-dramatic, but we really were compatible. I don't know why he got so scared.

I wanted to add that I know he has some sort of commitement problems (broke up because of another LDR, broke up because he didn't want to get marry etc) - but there's something I just can't understand - why all this fear? And, the sad part is that I can't do anything about it... if he fears of something, he has to solve it, because I can't do it for him.

I'll listen to your advice, and I won't contact him any further, until Monday.

I'll post an update Monday, or if something else happens meanwhile.

Thanks!

[durkadurka]

I know he's at home right now. That's why I called him. I let him a message asking him to answer to his phone. I won't contact him anymore, even if... it seems so hard to do. I can't just go to sleep knowing he's upset with me.

Apparently, I'll have to wait until Monday.

In a previous post (you'll find it a couple of posts below), called "Have I made a mistake" - I was explaining why I'm trying to contact him right now, and what happened friday.

Anyway... I know it's a life experience and that I'll move on... but it's hard to do, after we had plans together and after I was ready to make so many changes. It's hard to quit at those things, and hard to forget all the nice moments we shared together... Sometimes I'm thinking there will be no one like him. It sounds over-dramatic, but we really were compatible. I don't know why he got so scared.

I wanted to add that I know he has some sort of commitement problems (broke up because of another LDR, broke up because he didn't want to get marry etc) - but there's something I just can't understand - why all this fear? And, the sad part is that I can't do anything about it... if he fears of something, he has to solve it, because I can't do it for him.

I'll listen to your advice, and I won't contact him any further, until Monday.

I'll post an update Monday, or if something else happens meanwhile.

Thanks!

 

 

ATLEAST Monday. I've had a girlfriend like you, and when guys get squeezed like a vice, we run in the opposite direction.

 

I suggest you track down Don Ho's post about communicating with an ex.

 

One of the main points he brings up is not questioning them, and not making them justify their actions.

[victoria.v]

I'm super sorry for the way I post, but I don't see some of the messages until I post a new one.

ocatherine - I'm hurt because I'm confused. One day he was all sugar and spice, the next day he became insensitive. He's not married or seeing someone else. I know his family, I generally know what he does and what they do (I know what he's doing now, even if he doesn't know), I know he's not lying about having someone else.

But this change happened too quick... and he keeps contradicting himself... which makes me worried and makes me act this way (when he thinks I'm clingy).

[durkadurka]

I'm super sorry for the way I post, but I don't see some of the messages until I post a new one.

ocatherine - I'm hurt because I'm confused. One day he was all sugar and spice, the next day he became insensitive. He's not married or seeing someone else. I know his family, I generally know what he does and what they do (I know what he's doing now, even if he doesn't know), I know he's not lying about having someone else.

But this change happened too quick... and he keeps contradicting himself... which makes me worried and makes me act this way (when he thinks I'm clingy).

 

Sure, everyone gets hurt and I don't want you to mistake my posts as trying to be a jerk.

 

 

But no conversation or good decision making was ever borne out of desperation. Think of it like a tube of toothpaste, the harder you squeeze the more comes out.

 

Interrogating him isn't going to make him change his mind.

[victoria.v]

Durkadurka - I get your point. I know he gets annoyed by the fact that I'm not leaving him alone. That's why I'll do that. I won't contact him anymore. But according to him, he's not my "ex". He said things are like they were before (from his point of view though) and Monday he had plans of seeing me again. ODD.

I don't think you're a jerk at all, no worries.

[carhill]

He hasn't picked up her calls and hasn't tried to contact her. I think he's broadcast his message loud and clear.

 

Yup, it sounds like that. Perhaps some silence will help, especially for the OP to accept things as they are.

 

I'm terribly sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain. However, after reading through your entire entry I saw a HUGE red flag. Personally, I believe its possible that he's already involved and/or married.

 

Considering no contact at home, if historically consistent, this is a good possibility.

 

When I was LDR, many years ago, the ladies could contact me anytime and vice versa and we generally always interacted outside of working hours, providing they had the means to do so. Back then, computers and internet were still relatively new, so it was phone and international calling cards.

[victoria.v]

I won't go into personal details about his life, but I know where he lives and with whom. He once told me that if I ever want to talk to him during weekends, just to let him know and he'll get online or call me. I don't mind that we don't talk online during weekends. I can mind my own business and get ready for a new week. There were times when we used to chat during weekends as well, or when he used to send me messages asking me what I'm doing and so on.

I'm currently trying to accept things as they are, and as I was saying - I'll be back with an update in case something else happens.

[ocatherine]

Sorry to just jump in midstream on your post, Victoria. Certainly hope I didn't upset you or plant ideas/thoughts in your head that your absolutely certain of. It appears that you are receiving the best advice in the sense that you should refrain from contacting him. However, if there is one thing I would suggest, and this is only so that you can clear your head/thoughts and feel that you had the opportunity to convey and/or share everything with him, is to write him one last time. Something very simple, concise, and to the point. Put the ball in his court and then sit back and wait...

[durkadurka]

I won't go into personal details about his life, but I know where he lives and with whom. He once told me that if I ever want to talk to him during weekends, just to let him know and he'll get online or call me. I don't mind that we don't talk online during weekends. I can mind my own business and get ready for a new week. There were times when we used to chat during weekends as well, or when he used to send me messages asking me what I'm doing and so on.

I'm currently trying to accept things as they are, and as I was saying - I'll be back with an update in case something else happens.

 

This all sounds very confusing.

[victoria.v]

Like I always say - I don't mind when people are giving me their opinions, because that's what I've asked for. I don't consider any of you a jerk nor am I upset for hearing things that probably you thought I don't want to hear.

I'm not expecting any of you to pop-up and say "I know what's up with him! This is the truth: *inserts story here*". I can't sum up all of our relationship in a couple of paragraphs - that'd be impossible.

Sometimes I just need to hear what other thinks... you know, some outside opinions... even if in my head I have thought about each and every possibility for his behavior.

I think he just got scared and that's all. And I got too, and as a bonus, I also start to seem desperate. I just don't understand why he was "brave" enough to come and see me, if he knew it won't continue? Why did he have plans and now he doesn't?

I'm trying to contact him because Tuesday I was very sick. Friday, while I was still online, I took some meds and I accidentally fell asleep. I woke up one hour before he was supposed to leave from work and I saw he didn't even asked if I'm feeling any better, or tell me that he's busy. I told him that, he said he sees no problem, then he got really upset because he thought we were having a fight and he signed-off IM. He simply let me there like that.

Durkadurka, he lives with a family member. During weekends we both mind our own business. I study for school, I clean around the house, he does the same, we're going to shop for house supplies and so on. I don't mind for not talking to him 2 days a week. But, in the past, we used to talk once in a while. And if we didn't, we used to send each other messages.

There are things I cannot tell him online. That's why I wanna talk to him on the phone. If I'll send him an e-mail maybe he'll pretend he saw nothing. He'll ignore it. If I'll bring this up online, what do I do if he signs off and leaves me like that?