TheUnthoughtKnown Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 (edited) Hey LS. Not been on here in a few weeks. I've been busy working and studying and doing other things, but I've had a day to myself today. With nothing to do, nowhere to be and no one who requires my attention, my day has kind of led to...yeah you guessed it, reflecting, wondering about my ex, how she is, what she's up to etc, etc... I thought I'd write this thread, a sort of blog I suppose, to get everything off my chest and maybe I'll feel a little better again so...here goes... I suppose I'm doing a lot better than I was. A few months ago I was in hospital because I was drinking so much after my break up that I f*cked up my liver slightly and needed to calm down. I've since done that. I stopped drinkin to excess and threw myself into my work, my studies and my friendships...I have also started sort of seeing someone new. I guess I'm really annoyed that on a much needed day off she still creeps unwelcome into my mind like this. I mean, she's never fully out of my mind anyway, but it's usually in the back of my mind and it doesn't ever really interfere with what I'm doing anymore. When I first came onto this site the one question I shouted aloud constantly was "When will this end?! When does this pain stop?!" I'm beginning to see now that that was the wrong question to ask... I don't think, in some ways, it'll ever fully 100% stop. And that's fine if that's the way it has to be. She meant a lot to me and it's like losing someone, well it is losing someone, but I mean it's a grieving process and once it's over, a part of it's always with you. I'll always remember the good times, how much I loved her and how much I cared about her... See the problem is, nowadays, my life's been changing quite a lot: new job, brand new set of friends, soon going to a new Uni course, moving to a new house soon enough. I want her to know about all of this, I want her to be a part of my life and to have an influence and to care and to see the things I do now and say "I'm proud of you, I'm proud of how far you've came in your life, I'm proud of where you seem to be going" I want her to know that I'm closer to doing the things in my life that I wanted to do, the things she once made me promise never to give up on, so I can take strength from it as I once did...I'm more independant now, I don't require validation from anyone, but at the same time I wish I had her to depend on, for old times sake. I spose I'm just getting silly and nostalgic. It's just that I'm moving on and I'm scared about that. A new job she knows nothing about, a Uni course I never got to tell her about, a new set of friends she'll never meet or get to know, a new girl in my life that she'll never see or know about. I don't really want to move on. Although it's happening, probably because it has to, survival instinct or possibly a deep visceral need to live my life kicking in, but I don't really want it to. I want to remain as close to her as I can...and for every day that passes by and the closer I get to my goals, is another day I'm getting further from her...and that's possibly the saddest realisation I've had in a long, long time.... Edited November 20, 2010 by TheUnthoughtKnown
dreamingoftigers Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 All bonds like this fade over time. Many of them don't break easily but eventually you think of them less and less and then one day you realize that you haven't thought of them at all in a long time. Keep moving towards your goals and towards generating your own happiness.
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