How Do I Tell Him I Changed My Mind, I Want That Second Date?

[beyondhope]

Okay, so I put aside the first date I had with this fellow for a couple of weeks and it changed my perspective on things.

On the night of the first date, when he asked if I would go out with him again the next weekend, I said yes, but a few days later he emailed me, complimented me and asked if we were still on for the weekend, and I complimented him back but said, "after some reflection, I have to decline". He replied, thanked me for being upfront with him and said although he was disappointed he appreciated my frankness.

So, I've decided I'd like to give it another chance. I've made up my mind about that bit, and I just need to know how to do it. I think I was pretty diplomatic in that last email, but still probably came off a little cold, so he may have a bruised ego.

I want to tell him the truth, that I had to set "dating" aside for a few weeks to focus on school. I'm not sure if I should also tell him that something he said on the date (he's estranged from his family) made me hesitate. I really had to think about what that meant.

Basically, I want to let him know that he meant enough to me that I needed to put a lot of though into whether or not I wanted to give it a second shot, and in the end, he really was worth it. To me, it's more important to have done this than to just say yes to a second date when I'm hesitant about it.

How can I frame this in a way that's sincere but not too revealing or pushy, considering it's just a second date? By the way, I'm prepared to be rejected, on the grounds that I did accept, then decline, and now I'm accepting again!

Thanks!

[veggirl]

I wouldn't even bother. He SHOULD tell you no, but I suppose you could just be honest and tell him you've changed your mind. I'd try to keep it light, not all "omg you meant so much I had to think about it over and over again before deciding, but now I've REALLY decided." Though honestly, if I was him I'd be all no thank you. You are going to come across as very flakey/wishy washy/dramatic imo.

[beyondhope]

Ugh, that's what I'm afraid of. But needing time to focus on school was a big part of it, and I'm hoping he'll understand that. I didn't want to give him a direct reason when I declined because I didn't want to come across as flaky or dramatic. Maybe leaving out as much detail as possible would be good, and not try to explain myself? He's intelligent, and I'm hoping he'll just infer that timing wasn't good, I had good reason for saying no at first, and that this message is not a flake-out, but a genuine way of reconnecting to someone I was interested in.

[beyondhope]

Oh, and it's been two weeks since i declined, and I was going to let him know I'll be around over Thanksgiving if he wants to grab coffee. Do you think waiting longer might also be a good idea (is two weeks too soon to change my mind?)

 

By the way, a big part of it is also that we live about an hour apart, so I have to be really careful with how I spend my time. Committing to a second date would've meant planning my whole weekend around it when I really didn't have time to spare.

Edited November 20, 2010 by beyondhope

[NoLongerSad]

OP, just ask him: "Hey are you still up for getting together again?"

 

If he asks why you changed your mind just say:

 

"A girl's entitled to change her mind."

[lovebitme]

It's simple. Just call him up and tell him how you feel, that you've changed your mind and that you are sorry. If he liked you he'll be delighted.

 

Right now I'm wishing my ex would call me up and tell me that!! You have nothing to lose. Men respect honestly. I doubt he will reject you outright but understand that you would definitely be on probation in his eyes.

[beyondhope]

So, do I try to give him a reason why I declined, or not? If I ought to give him an explanation, should it be the honest truth (his family issues made me hesitate) or the truth-but-not-the-whole-truth that I was busy with school?

 

This is the part I'm having trouble with, because as a woman, I'm often inclined to explain more than needs to be said. I know men typically prefer us to be straightforward, and don't overanalyze things, but it might come across as flaky if I don't give him an explanation at all...

[Scott Clifford]

So, do I try to give him a reason why I declined, or not? If I ought to give him an explanation, should it be the honest truth (his family issues made me hesitate) or the truth-but-not-the-whole-truth that I was busy with school?

 

This is the part I'm having trouble with, because as a woman, I'm often inclined to explain more than needs to be said. I know men typically prefer us to be straightforward, and don't overanalyze things, but it might come across as flaky if I don't give him an explanation at all...

 

 

Men appreciate honesty. If he asks why you changed your mind you can tell him the truth, personally that is what I would prefer.

[spice4life]

So, do I try to give him a reason why I declined, or not? If I ought to give him an explanation, should it be the honest truth (his family issues made me hesitate) or the truth-but-not-the-whole-truth that I was busy with school?

 

This is the part I'm having trouble with, because as a woman, I'm often inclined to explain more than needs to be said. I know men typically prefer us to be straightforward, and don't overanalyze things, but it might come across as flaky if I don't give him an explanation at all...

 

I would go with the fact that you were super busy with school and leave the "estranged family" stuff for the getting to know him phase. This is, if he gives you a second chance of course. After all, dating is about getting to know someone. Right? There is no harm in trying. If he declines then you can put this to rest in your own mind and move on.

[Mad Max]

I wouldn't even bother. He SHOULD tell you no, but I suppose you could just be honest and tell him you've changed your mind. I'd try to keep it light, not all "omg you meant so much I had to think about it over and over again before deciding, but now I've REALLY decided." Though honestly, if I was him I'd be all no thank you. You are going to come across as very flakey/wishy washy/dramatic imo.

 

 

I agree. You should have been honest from the get go. Assuming he has other girls interested in him, why should he waste his time on someone that turned down a second date with him?

[USMCHokie]

To be honest, it doesn't matter what reason you give him, because if I were him, I'd interpret any reason you give as blah blah blah, bullsh*t bullsh*t bullsh*t, no matter how legitimate the reason. Saying you were trying to "focus on school" just screams that things didn't work out with another guy and you are running back to him...

 

So I wouldn't even offer a reason to him unless he absolutely insists.

[beyondhope]

Okay, so here's a draft of the email I want to send. Guys, tell me what you think (more explanation, or less!). Thanks!

 

Dear *****,

I hope it isn't terribly uncouth that I will be in town this coming weekend (Thursday-Sunday), and would like to invite you for coffee, or perhaps to the museum if you still haven't had the opportunity to visit.

Our previous meeting caught me at the crux of the semester, when it was decidedly necessary to set aside my social life for a few weeks and wade through the muck of my studies.

Now that my schedule is less muddied, I regret not having the opportunity to continue our conversation. It's difficult to find people who are both intelligent and good-humored, and who share the uncanny ability to locate remote regions of the country on outdated maps.

If you'll forgive my capriciousness, it would be delightful to have you along on another afternoon adventure.

With care,

****

[USMCHokie]

Dear *****,

I hope it isn't terribly uncouth that I will be in town this coming weekend (Thursday-Sunday), and would like to invite you for coffee, or perhaps to the museum if you still haven't had the opportunity to visit.

Our previous meeting caught me at the crux of the semester, when it was decidedly necessary to set aside my social life for a few weeks and wade through the muck of my studies.

Now that my schedule is less muddied, I regret not having the opportunity to continue our conversation. It's difficult to find people who are both intelligent and good-humored, and who share the uncanny ability to locate remote regions of the country on outdated maps.

If you'll forgive my capriciousness, it would be delightful to have you along on another afternoon adventure.

With care,

****

 

No offense or anything, but do you actually talk and write like that...?

[beyondhope]

Haha, not all the time. But we're both word-lovers, him especially. I have a feeling it's one of the reasons he was attracted to me in the first place. If I were wanting a second date with say, a car mechanic, the email would be quite different. But you get the point

[Mad Max]

To be honest, it doesn't matter what reason you give him, because if I were him, I'd interpret any reason you give as blah blah blah, bullsh*t bullsh*t bullsh*t, no matter how legitimate the reason. Saying you were trying to "focus on school" just screams that things didn't work out with another guy and you are running back to him...

 

So I wouldn't even offer a reason to him unless he absolutely insists.

 

 

This. Any guy would assume that he is the backup. I can't speak for him, but I can assure you that I am NO ONE'S backup.

[beyondhope]

Well, I don't know what to say about that. I'm actually casually seeing someone else in a different city but am definitely not "running back" to him. I sincerely liked him the first time, just was uncomfortable about some things and needed to take a step back to make sure it was really worth investing more time because of those issues. I would be honored to have someone do the same were I a potential date.

[beyondhope]

On second thought, if he does read into this email that I'm just "running back" to him, then he's the one who's reading too much into things...his loss!!

[threebyfate]

Okay, so here's a draft of the email I want to send. Guys, tell me what you think (more explanation, or less!). Thanks!

 

Dear *****,

I hope it isn't terribly uncouth that I will be in town this coming weekend (Thursday-Sunday), and would like to invite you for coffee, or perhaps to the museum if you still haven't had the opportunity to visit.

Our previous meeting caught me at the crux of the semester, when it was decidedly necessary to set aside my social life for a few weeks and wade through the muck of my studies.

Now that my schedule is less muddied, I regret not having the opportunity to continue our conversation. It's difficult to find people who are both intelligent and good-humored, and who share the uncanny ability to locate remote regions of the country on outdated maps.

If you'll forgive my capriciousness, it would be delightful to have you along on another afternoon adventure.

With care,

****

"Hi, now that things have settled down with school, I wondered if you might be interested in going out for dinner with me on x or y-night. There's a great bistro called "abc cafe" that I've heard a lot about and wanted to try."

 

But I do agree that you should expect to be rejected. And I have to question why his family situation is no longer concerning to you.

[Left in a Lurch]

The only thing I'd say is if you actually respect him, don't ask him out again.

 

If his ego was hurt he had to work on getting over it. Now if you come back with, "hey let's go out now", what damage are you going to do to him when you change your mind again?

 

If you dated a couple of months it might be different but I would bet it's 50/50 that if you go out with him you will actually want a 3rd date since you don't really know him yet. That would be highly sh*tty to do to him if you decide he is not for you.

 

He's not going to trust you much when you show interest now and that's not a great situation to start off with someone either.

[USMCHokie]

On second thought, if he does read into this email that I'm just "running back" to him, then he's the one who's reading too much into things...his loss!!

 

Sorry to say, but it sounds more like your loss...

[Mad Max]

Well, I don't know what to say about that. I'm actually casually seeing someone else in a different city but am definitely not "running back" to him. I sincerely liked him the first time, just was uncomfortable about some things and needed to take a step back to make sure it was really worth investing more time because of those issues. I would be honored to have someone do the same were I a potential date.

 

 

I certainly wouldn't take someone seriously if they were seeing someone else as well. And casually seeing someone? No way am I putting in money for dates when another guy is getting sex for free.

 

 

On second thought, if he does read into this email that I'm just "running back" to him, then he's the one who's reading too much into things...his loss!!

 

 

He's not reading too much into anything. Actions speak louder than words. Your actions show that he's not a priority. He probably realizes that and intends to move on. So no, it's your loss not his.

[tigressA]

If you really want to contact him again, go ahead, but definitely do not be surprised if you're rejected. If a guy did this to me, I would be assuming that I was a backup regardless of the reason he gave me and I would under no circumstances accept another date.

[veggirl]

"Hi, now that things have settled down with school, I wondered if you might be interested in going out for dinner with me on x or y-night. There's a great bistro called "abc cafe" that I've heard a lot about and wanted to try."

 

if you are going to ask him for a 2nd chance, I second an email like this one, not your draft.

[Star Gazer]

I wouldn't even bother. He SHOULD tell you no, but I suppose you could just be honest and tell him you've changed your mind. I'd try to keep it light, not all "omg you meant so much I had to think about it over and over again before deciding, but now I've REALLY decided." Though honestly, if I was him I'd be all no thank you. You are going to come across as very flakey/wishy washy/dramatic imo.

 

While I agree with this... Honestly, what have you got to lose? Nothing. I say contact him, but prepared to do some major explanation.

[PhillyDude]

You sound hungry to me