Broken flowers

November 20, 2010

Long story, but bear with me I welcome any input that might help.

Ok so back in January me and my girlfriend weren't spending as much time together. I was busy with college work and after she returned from rehab dealing with an eating disorder she stressed how we were in a toxic relationship and too codependent, (this is coming from the person who would call me 5 times a day every day and would get angry if I didn't answer the phone, and on top of that call me in the middle of the night to come pick her up numerous times because she had gotten into an argument with someone). She became very depressed and even suicidal throughout the month of January, mainly because she found it hard to adjust after rehab and wasn't following with what she sought out to do, and partly because she was turning 27 soon and felt her life was wasted.

She was crying over this guy she knew back in high school (key word knew) who passed away and it seemed to me she was focusing her energy and emotions on this incident, his drug problem and other people instead of her own issues. Every time we talked she would talk about this guy and my brother, how his drinking problem should be resolved what he should do, what my parents should do....I was trying to show her tough love and although it seemed like I was neglecting her from her end. It was all in good intentions, partly I was really busy and partly because of her recently expressing that we were too codependent. And mostly to not allow her to divert her emotions and intentions on how other people should fix their drug/alcohol problems and focus on her own eating dissorder.

Throughout this time even though I didn't visit her physically I still talked to her atleast once everyday, I thought we had closure when she talked to her therapist and came to the realization that her feeling neglected was her internalizing things. I was indeed worried when she talked about suicide. I called the suicide prevention number for information, did research on how to deal with suicidal people and talked to her over the phone and sent her emails with links (have to also keep in mind that throughout our relationship she would threaten this alot and through my research realized that most people that want to commit suicide don't publicly announce it, they just do it so this was most likely for attention).

I realize how this may seem a little cold, but you also have to take into account partly for our codependent issues is because I catered to her needs way to much over the past 4 and a half years, which is the problem! Neither of us had a job for awhile and spent almost everyday together, she demanded my attention almost 24/7! Partly I liked it because it gave me purpose and I do love her with all my heart still. But she literally needed complete control over me.

So anyway she was talking to me about this guy Shawn she used to know back in high school and her other friend Rehanna that she reconnected with. I thought great! This is a good thing for her to branch out. I was a little bit paranoid about this guy but she has had guy friends in the past that didn't lead to sex, and I also trusted her. Their was also a part of me that wanted to test her. Recently she talked to me about "open relationships" and talking about Shawn around me, I know just to find a rise out of me most likely for the purpose to see if I was still interested in her, because I do have to admit from her end I could see how she would think i'm not. But at the time the only thing I was thinking was control, she wanted the control over me she used to have. Have me come over whenever she wanted, have me call her when she wanted, etc.

So her birthday comes around and I had work to do (big mistake on my part I understand this now). I thought no big deal I'll just come over the next day and I'll make up for it. So I bring over flowers and some groceries and when I arrive to her house she is on the phone with Shawn and I am standing in the doorway with the flowers and groceries as she flaunts in front of me for a few minutes how great their conversation is. So we go out to eat at Olive Garden everything seems fine although we argued a little bit about prices (I didn't have much money at the time). I spend the night at her house have great sex in the morning and as I'm washing up in the bathroom she tells me that she thinks she is just going to go with Rehanna to the mall. In my mind I'm thinking, wow this is good she found another friend in the area to go to the mall with, she would have a lot more fun with her than me (dislike shopping). I ask if she is sure, looks me in the eye and says yeah.

So she gets in the shower I give her a hug, and suddenly feel this feeling I hug her again and decide to have a smoke before I go. I have the smoke start to leave and this overwelming sad feeling hits me again, I turn around to hug her again (she was done showering) tell her I love her and get into my car. I sat their in the car feeling this really sad feeling, I wanted to go back in their, but I thought it odd to be having this emotion now and feeling this way. On my way home a song comes on and I think about her, she calls and I tell her about the song she makes it brief and hangs up. Little did I know she only called me to see if the coast was clear...

So she calls late the next day and talks all sexy to me wondering if I want to hear her masturbate on the phone, I decline because I was in the middle of writing an essay. Another thing you have to realize is that previously up to this point she had a lot of control over me sexually, I wanted sex a lot, I wanted it like the first few months we were together but she would always pick when the time was appropriate, and then tell me at the same time she wants it more spontaneous....... Even though I loved sex between us and it became like an addiction for me I wanted to be able to not let that have control over me (hard I know i'm a man lol). I felt that I was gaining more control over myself with academics and my relationship at this point. *Just to point out it is very interesting to see how both of us can perceive this situation in two completely different perspectives. However I feel ****ed no matter what in this situation:

A.) I give her more attention and tell her how beautiful she is and how I want to make love to her (I lost my virginity to her). however she see's it too codependent and I want sex too much

B.) I give her more space don't tell her as often how much I find her attractive and want to have sex. however she then feels neglected and that i'm not interested in her.

@#$$%#$^#$^#$^# Are all women like this LOL?

Then... a couple days later we talk and I had gotten over most of my work and wanted her to come over for the weekend. She tells me that she has something to tell me and instantly chills run down my spine... I already knew. She tells me in detail everything because I had to know, I wont get into specific details because it is hard for me. But she swears to me that they didn't have intercourse (minus well of with all the other stuff they did). If anyone really wants to know more in depth because it is pertinent I will, but because this wall of text is getting huge I'll leave it alone.

We both have been going to therapists although not a couples therapist. And since the incident things have gotten remarkably better. She got her license and a car, has a steady job, and I am still continuing school. She has gotten over a lot of her control issues and everything is really great.

However it has been 10 months now and not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I have talked to her about it numerous times, gotten every single detail possible got the closure I felt I needed, talk in therapy about it, read a book on infidelity. Although it has gotten better I still carry this pain this betrayal, this trust I really don't have. It's like some weird balance like although some things have gotten tremendously better their is a price I have to pay for me, I wonder why me? You know, every time we engage in sex when I kiss her I think is it better than him? Now all of a sudden I'm thinking about everything over again and this sexual passion has become cheapened to me, like it could be anybody. that is what she tells me about Shawn, it wasn't the character of the man it could of been anybody, which really makes me reevaluate how sex is seen to her.

Anyway I'll leave it at that for now, I can go on for another page or two the thoughts, feelings, and everything in between about this.

*************

Oh another point of interest, she freaked out that past month that I might have periodontal disease (come to find almost everybody has it to some degree in their mouth) and her dentist tells her that I should get my mouth checked out before we kiss again. bull**** everyone I talked to has it to some degree it's partly genetics. So after she wont kiss me for a month she hooks up with a guy.. she only knew remotely back in high school makes out with.. does other things sexually, and it only occurs to her once I bring it up to get tested for std's let alone the teeth thing. Now wait..... heres the kicker.. the periodontal disease in her mouth is 5mm deep, mine...... 3 and a half.

To me the measurements seem phallic oriented, maybe it is just my perverse mind but that is another thing plaguing my mind. She says that she never actually saw his penis. Which I don't believe and was it bigger? How much bigger? Did that matter at all, I mean I'm 6" hard and been told it is pretty thick but by no means is it "big". It's sickening that I want to find out the size of this mans dick lol how the hell could I ever end up in a situation like this I don't know

Edited November 20, 2010 by Broken_flowers

November 20, 2010

Long story, but bear with me I welcome any input that might help.

Ok so back in January me and my girlfriend weren't spending as much time together. I was busy with college work and after she returned from rehab dealing with an eating disorder she stressed how we were in a toxic relationship and too codependent, (this is coming from the person who would call me 5 times a day every day and would get angry if I didn't answer the phone, and on top of that call me in the middle of the night to come pick her up numerous times because she had gotten into an argument with someone). She became very depressed and even suicidal throughout the month of January, mainly because she found it hard to adjust after rehab and wasn't following with what she sought out to do, and partly because she was turning 27 soon and felt her life was wasted.

She was crying over this guy she knew back in high school (key word knew) who passed away and it seemed to me she was focusing her energy and emotions on this incident, his drug problem and other people instead of her own issues. Every time we talked she would talk about this guy and my brother, how his drinking problem should be resolved what he should do, what my parents should do....I was trying to show her tough love and although it seemed like I was neglecting her from her end. It was all in good intentions, partly I was really busy and partly because of her recently expressing that we were too codependent. And mostly to not allow her to divert her emotions and intentions on how other people should fix their drug/alcohol problems and focus on her own eating dissorder.

Throughout this time even though I didn't visit her physically I still talked to her atleast once everyday, I thought we had closure when she talked to her therapist and came to the realization that her feeling neglected was her internalizing things. I was indeed worried when she talked about suicide. I called the suicide prevention number for information, did research on how to deal with suicidal people and talked to her over the phone and sent her emails with links (have to also keep in mind that throughout our relationship she would threaten this alot and through my research realized that most people that want to commit suicide don't publicly announce it, they just do it so this was most likely for attention).
I realize how this may seem a little cold, but you also have to take into account partly for our codependent issues is because I catered to her needs way to much over the past 4 and a half years, which is the problem! Neither of us had a job for awhile and spent almost everyday together, she demanded my attention almost 24/7! Partly I liked it because it gave me purpose and I do love her with all my heart still. But she literally needed complete control over me.

So anyway she was talking to me about this guy Shawn she used to know back in high school and her other friend Rehanna that she reconnected with. I thought great! This is a good thing for her to branch out. I was a little bit paranoid about this guy but she has had guy friends in the past that didn't lead to sex, and I also trusted her. Their was also a part of me that wanted to test her. Recently she talked to me about "open relationships" and talking about Shawn around me, I know just to find a rise out of me most likely for the purpose to see if I was still interested in her, because I do have to admit from her end I could see how she would think i'm not. But at the time the only thing I was thinking was control, she wanted the control over me she used to have. Have me come over whenever she wanted, have me call her when she wanted, etc.

So her birthday comes around and I had work to do (big mistake on my part I understand this now). I thought no big deal I'll just come over the next day and I'll make up for it. So I bring over flowers and some groceries and when I arrive to her house she is on the phone with Shawn and I am standing in the doorway with the flowers and groceries as she flaunts in front of me for a few minutes how great their conversation is. So we go out to eat at Olive Garden everything seems fine although we argued a little bit about prices (I didn't have much money at the time). I spend the night at her house have great sex in the morning and as I'm washing up in the bathroom she tells me that she thinks she is just going to go with Rehanna to the mall. In my mind I'm thinking, wow this is good she found another friend in the area to go to the mall with, she would have a lot more fun with her than me (dislike shopping). I ask if she is sure, looks me in the eye and says yeah.

So she gets in the shower I give her a hug, and suddenly feel this feeling I hug her again and decide to have a smoke before I go. I have the smoke start to leave and this overwelming sad feeling hits me again, I turn around to hug her again (she was done showering) tell her I love her and get into my car. I sat their in the car feeling this really sad feeling, I wanted to go back in their, but I thought it odd to be having this emotion now and feeling this way. On my way home a song comes on and I think about her, she calls and I tell her about the song she makes it brief and hangs up. Little did I know she only called me to see if the coast was clear...
So she calls late the next day and talks all sexy to me wondering if I want to hear her masturbate on the phone, I decline because I was in the middle of writing an essay. Another thing you have to realize is that previously up to this point she had a lot of control over me sexually, I wanted sex a lot, I wanted it like the first few months we were together but she would always pick when the time was appropriate, and then tell me at the same time she wants it more spontaneous....... Even though I loved sex between us and it became like an addiction for me I wanted to be able to not let that have control over me (hard I know i'm a man lol). I felt that I was gaining more control over myself with academics and my relationship at this point. *Just to point out it is very interesting to see how both of us can perceive this situation in two completely different perspectives. However I feel ****ed no matter what in this situation:
A.) I give her more attention and tell her how beautiful she is and how I want to make love to her (I lost my virginity to her). however she see's it too codependent and I want sex too much
B.) I give her more space don't tell her as often how much I find her attractive and want to have sex. however she then feels neglected and that i'm not interested in her.
@#$$%#$^#$^#$^# Are all women like this LOL?

Then... a couple days later we talk and I had gotten over most of my work and wanted her to come over for the weekend. She tells me that she has something to tell me and instantly chills run down my spine... I already knew. She tells me in detail everything because I had to know, I wont get into specific details because it is hard for me. But she swears to me that they didn't have intercourse (minus well of with all the other stuff they did). If anyone really wants to know more in depth because it is pertinent I will, but because this wall of text is getting huge I'll leave it alone.

We both have been going to therapists although not a couples therapist. And since the incident things have gotten remarkably better. She got her license and a car, has a steady job, and I am still continuing school. She has gotten over a lot of her control issues and everything is really great.

However it has been 10 months now and not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I have talked to her about it numerous times, gotten every single detail possible got the closure I felt I needed, talk in therapy about it, read a book on infidelity. Although it has gotten better I still carry this pain this betrayal, this trust I really don't have. It's like some weird balance like although some things have gotten tremendously better their is a price I have to pay for me, I wonder why me? You know, every time we engage in sex when I kiss her I think is it better than him? Now all of a sudden I'm thinking about everything over again and this sexual passion has become cheapened to me, like it could be anybody. that is what she tells me about Shawn, it wasn't the character of the man it could of been anybody, which really makes me reevaluate how sex is seen to her.

Anyway I'll leave it at that for now, I can go on for another page or two the thoughts, feelings, and everything in between about this.

*************
Oh another point of interest, she freaked out that past month that I might have periodontal disease (come to find almost everybody has it to some degree in their mouth) and her dentist tells her that I should get my mouth checked out before we kiss again. bull**** everyone I talked to has it to some degree it's partly genetics. So after she wont kiss me for a month she hooks up with a guy.. she only knew remotely back in high school makes out with.. does other things sexually, and it only occurs to her once I bring it up to get tested for std's let alone the teeth thing. Now wait..... heres the kicker.. the periodontal disease in her mouth is 5mm deep, mine...... 3 and a half.

To me the measurements seem phallic oriented, maybe it is just my perverse mind but that is another thing plaguing my mind. She says that she never actually saw his penis. Which I don't believe and was it bigger? How much bigger? Did that matter at all, I mean I'm 6" hard and been told it is pretty thick but by no means is it "big". It's sickening that I want to find out the size of this mans dick lol how the hell could I ever end up in a situation like this I don't know

Ok so am reading your story and thinking is this real? will when I got to the penis part, you lost me. If this post is a joke? thats not cool. We really try to help eachother on the LS. Please dont play on this site...

November 20, 2010

why would you think this is a joke? I talk about suicide,eating disorders.. you know what I'm actually pretty offended! You tell me how this can be a joke to you?????? Why would the penis part be a joke am I the only guy whos been cheated on that would think such a thing?

I try to make light of some things because the whole thing is hard for me to cope with easier but... wow? really a joke

November 20, 2010

I know it's not a joke. Ive been there before but here's what your probably really thinking. Hey if i'm bigger she will want me more than him and therefore stay loyal. Were if your smaller she will want him more and not be loyal. Its all part of being a male and the ego that goes with it. Here's what you really should be thinking. Can I 100% get over it. If you can't, then it will eat you alive and you just need to move on. I spent 6 years trying to convince myself I was over it and had forgiven her. I was just lying to myself. Infidelity is the hardest to get over. Most don't.

Edited November 20, 2010 by simpleone79

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