Facebook is not your friend

[dh01]

Where to begin, where to begin.....

 

About me, well, I am 38yrs old. A photographer with a booming business. In athletic, in good shape, style and I suppose what you would call handsome but not model perfect. I am a vegan, do yoga, exercise regularly and recently quit all casual drinking + any substances while I deal with my current situation so I can keep a clear head. I am a honest, very secure and confident person. In the past I have had numerous relationships and hookups, with the majority being quite superficial and temporary. A couple go close to love, but I moved on before it got too far. Of course, this was my choice and I was always up front with my partners and always explained the situations no bad feelings there.

 

Then I met my wife, and everything changed.

 

My wife (40yrs old) and I have two little girls together (2&4) and we have been married for 6 years and together for 10. We love each other very much. She has always been faithful and so have I. We still have regular loving sex and tell each other that we love each other and are still "in love". I have been her foundation for the last 10 years and she in no way wants to jeopardize that. As recent as last year she told her mother that we would NEVER get a divorce.

 

Recently in the last few months her Facebook activity has skyrocketed and as always I was not initially concerned until she changed her profile from "married" to "in a open relationship". Of course, she did this after a few glasses of wine and a Xanax (which is another potential part of the problem - more on that later). She told me about the change and also revealed that she has been chatting with a old friend from Jr. high whom she has not seen or communicated for 25 years. I trusted her at first, but was still concerned about the relationship change on FB. Over time the chatting became more flirty and what I would call borderline. The Facebook issue has been a point of contention. While being more tired or exhausted I might complain more when my wife would go to the computer first thing in the Am for a hour and then first thing when she got home and even sometimes in the middle of the night or when I was taking care of the kids. This has been a very sudden change.

 

This "friend" is recently divorced, 3 kids and very lonely. My wife is beautiful, has a great personality and is very friendly to all people BUT can be mislead at times as she is not as grounded as I am in reality. Somehow I think he got his psychic barbs into her and that is when all hell broke loose.

 

I also found out that she got a cell phone that she kept secret from me - still no idea how long she has had it. The thing that bothers me is that just 2 months ago before she declared how she has no need to own a cell phone and it is a waste of $$ for her. Interesting change…..

 

Secret FB messages go back and forth and I feel like this guy is telling her everything that she wants to hear and she eats it up. She can be very impressionable.

 

So, after a couple weeks of some subtle fighting I had enough, she had enough and she decided to confront this energy and fly back to her hometown and meet this person. She likes to get wrapped up in fantasys/fiction so I thought that it was for the best that she meet this person and dispel this "image" she had in her head. Ultimately I was not approving of this decision, but what else choice did I have. Her family is all very upset at her for this and all think the world of me. Family is very important to her to this situation has been hard on her emotionally. Anyway, she made her trip, met the guy, hung out and came back with a better perspective and said that she would quit FB. I trust her when she says that she did not get physical with this person as infidelity is something that I do not come back from and she is too honest of a person to lie not to mention pretty terrible at it.

 

She said that she is not in "love" with this person but cares for him very much like a close friend. I am not the jealous type but now feeling a bit that way, which is unsettling to me. I told her that I am not sharing her and if she wants to be with other people that she can do it without me. Of course this is not what she wants but my concern is that the Xanax she takes for her anxiety is messing with her emotions and overall mental state as well as decision making.

 

Now, flash back a few years ago when I was always around hot young female models and she was getting jealous quite often. Accusing me of messing around when she was in a lowered state emotionally. I have always maintained my love for her and would never go there - and she knows it. That is whey this open relationship talk in the last 2 months has me a bit confused. For the last 6 years she used to talk about nothing more than being a dedicated and good wife now she tried to explain it off by saying that she is who she is and being more "open" and not tied down or controlled is her real path in life. I think she is so guilty for her thoughts that this is her way of trying to balance it. If I did hook up with another woman, not sure how she would react but I am not into playing games and the only way I would do that is if we were completely finished and divorced.

 

She is in a state of a dichotomy with seemingly contradictory qualities. One day she wants me, and the next to just be "free" or alone and not with anyone and then back planning our future. I should mention that she was an only child and more prone to being self absorbed and selfish. She is great with the kids and is a excellent thoughtful mother and has worked through a lot of that over the years.

 

I try to keep the kids out of it and shelter them from this, but I feel that they are being affected and that hurts me the most.

 

I have been very sweet & loving to my wife and go out of my way to help her with everything. I massage her for at least an hour every night to help with the insomnia and anxiety. I do a large part of the housework, kid duties, pay for almost everything. She is very active and is more of a busy body than me. The work that she does (massage) plus the kids gets her in a tense state and she feels she needs the Xanax to cope. I feel different about her Xanax usage and think that she needs to ween off immediately and find a healthy alternative. I believe that Xanax usage should be monitored by a qualified therapist - not just handed out by a MD when you feel stressed,

 

We have our first marriage counseling session in 4 days so hopefully this will work. She is supportive about going and making things work, but her mind is playing tricks with her emotions so I see the roller coaster she goes on.

 

I know that I could move on and eventually find another wife, but when we got married I made a promise to her that I would always be faithful, never leave her or would never give up on her. I suppose this is the "worse" when they say for better or worse…but there is only so much I can take.

 

Any thoughts, opinions or comments? Is this her mid life crisis?

 

thx for reading…..

[skydiveaddict]

I can only agree with you that fb is NOT your friend. It is nothing more than an international, evil snitch network

[whichwayisup]

Your wife needs to deal with her anxiety issues head on, without drugs, if need be. Google CBT - cognitive behaviour therapy. This type of therapy is aimed for those who suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, depression et..

 

Your wife cannot use her anxiety as an excuse to go do what she pleases. fact that she up and left, met this guy, if I were in your shoes, I would have said, don't come back, the locks will be changed! Go enjoy your ex/new boyfriend. Slam!!

 

The friendship has to end and she needs help, therapy, marriage counselling, alone and with you.

 

Don't let her manipulate you! She now needs to be an open book to you, not hide anything! Oh and make sure she deletes her facebook! (Wow still kind of stunned on the marital status change, pretty ballsy of her to do that!)

[ilovelife75]

does your wife have a fear of abandonment? any black and white thinking? For example, its either all one way or the exact polar opposite? No middle ground, no grey area?

 

Sounds to me like she has some mental health problems going on, anxiety, depression, and abandonment issues all fall into several DSM-IV diagnosis, but borderline personality disorder is a tricky and confusing illness.

 

If you are dealing with a mental illness, the first thing you need to know is that its not your fault, and not really their fault, either. Now, this is not giving her a free pass to do whatever she wants and use the "i have a mental illness, i can not be blamed for my actions" crap. I think that is just lousy and is an excuse for bad behavior. Mental illnesses can be controlled, just like diabetes and other illnesses can be controlled, via medication and behavioral and cognitive interventions.

 

I would be very interested to know what your counselor has assessed. Good luck, and don't give up until you know in your heart there is nothing left to do.

[goingstrong]

Satan's notebook chalks up another wrecked marriage.

[dh01]

I would say yes, she has a fear of abandonment. Not so much now as it was when I first met her 10 years ago. Black and white thinking, probably, at times when she gets emotional and then when those emotions calm down she can be more rational. When she gets mad she wants to be "on her own" and then (after calming down) realizes that she wants to be with me and the family. Her emotions drive her thoughts and can panic rather fast. I however am the exact opposite. In the moment of a crisis I am level headed and focus on the task ahead to solve or protect what I need to get right again.

 

I think when she found this other guy, she was able to feel like she could let go of me more and do the "grass is always greener" thing. But, in this case, it was not. This other guy already has 1 failed marriage where his wife left him. 3 kids to help support and works a regular job. My wife likes the finer things and quality and this guy would not even get close to being able to support her as I think he still lives paycheck to paycheck. I am financially stable and she knows that if she moves on she is on her own. I will do my share to support the kids, but that is about it.

 

Of course, as of last night, we still are close and I really do not worry about this other relationship as it is destined to fade away over time. I mean, he is not moving here and she will not move there....so what is left? I think I just need to let it be and not cause any waves as this just incites the problem more. I believe counseling will help us a lot, at least I am trying to be as positive as I can. Deep down I know she will not ever leave as we are too deeply connected and no one else would be able to deal with that anyway. After 4 days away she missed me so badly that it was hard for her to think about doing again. But if she did choose to leave, life goes on and I know I would easily find another. Not trying to sound crass, just honest.

 

Anyway....

 

Her parents divorced when she was 12 and even though she feels like it was a good thing now, at the time I feel it was very tumultuous. She is a only child as well and spent a lot of time with her grandparents who she considered her real "mom and dad". She has a good relationship with her father and his wife, and he is very caring and rooted in reality. Her mom is a bit nutty at times and she talks with her almost every day. I feel that she is always striving for her approval and wants her mother to be proud of her - but with the recent events she is definitely not. While very put together and quite well off financially, she will at times lapse in a almost manic state coupled with some severe paranoia and anxiety. The mother in law can be controlling and manipulative, just like her mother was to her (who also became quite mentally unstable later in life). It's a nasty cycle that I feel stopped with my wife, at least in being controlling and manipulative part with her kids. I can see aspects of the anxiety and other mental issues but she realizes this and is willing to work on it. I do agree that she also needs individual counseling.

Edited November 20, 2010 by dh01

[Trojan John]

Facebook is as much the cause for marital problems as violent video games are for shooting rampages. In short, very little to not at all.

[Mme. Chaucer]

It sounds like you are ready to make a lot of excuses for your wife due to her anxiety and other issues.

 

From your post I gather that you have a relationship where her "weakness" and your "strength" have been playing off of each other. That could be okay, maybe - but now it sounds like she has less responsibility in your union than you do, and that you have to be the "rock" while she is emotionally at large. I don't think that's healthy.

 

She is either in an open relationship or she is not. Sounds like, from your perspective, she is not.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with facebook, and I suggest that you two go to marriage counseling. She needs to be more accountable for her own behavior and the effects it can have on your family, and be ready for them if she wants to carry on in the same manner, I believe.

[hoping2heal]

Facebook can cause problems yes, if the people using it do not exercise self control and act responsibly. I have a facebook account and since opening it you can bet I have been contacted by everything from ex boyfriends, to school friends professing their crushes from long ago. I do not buy in. I already have my man and he exists in a special boundary reserved only for him, and no other man.

 

He does not need to tell me to do this, I am a grown adult and I am full aware of this all on my own. I agree all of the changes are suspicious and the fact that she bought a cell phone and hid it from you? BIG red flag, and BIG no no.

 

I suffer from PTSD - although it was prescribed, I quit using Xanax after two uses, and I do not currently and will not again - use any other form of medication to deal with it. I exercise, I watch what I eat, and I deal with things in a healthy manner. I take responsibility for myself and my actions, something your wife is severely failing to do.

 

I agree with the poster who said you make a lot of excuses for your wife, you certainly do.

 

Not every married woman with a facebook ends up having an affair or an emotional affair with another man, just like every woman who has male co workers does not end up in that situation. Your wife is a grown woman, capable of making her own decisions, and she makes them just fine - it is just that the decisions are neither responsible nor loving to you or faithful to your marriage.

 

What is the age gap between the two of you?

[hoping2heal]

I would say yes, she has a fear of abandonment. Not so much now as it was when I first met her 10 years ago. Black and white thinking, probably, at times when she gets emotional and then when those emotions calm down she can be more rational. When she gets mad she wants to be "on her own" and then (after calming down) realizes that she wants to be with me and the family. Her emotions drive her thoughts and can panic rather fast. I however am the exact opposite. In the moment of a crisis I am level headed and focus on the task ahead to solve or protect what I need to get right again.

 

I think when she found this other guy, she was able to feel like she could let go of me more and do the "grass is always greener" thing. But, in this case, it was not. This other guy already has 1 failed marriage where his wife left him. 3 kids to help support and works a regular job. My wife likes the finer things and quality and this guy would not even get close to being able to support her as I think he still lives paycheck to paycheck. I am financially stable and she knows that if she moves on she is on her own. I will do my share to support the kids, but that is about it.

 

Of course, as of last night, we still are close and I really do not worry about this other relationship as it is destined to fade away over time. I mean, he is not moving here and she will not move there....so what is left? I think I just need to let it be and not cause any waves as this just incites the problem more. I believe counseling will help us a lot, at least I am trying to be as positive as I can. Deep down I know she will not ever leave as we are too deeply connected and no one else would be able to deal with that anyway. After 4 days away she missed me so badly that it was hard for her to think about doing again. But if she did choose to leave, life goes on and I know I would easily find another. Not trying to sound crass, just honest.

 

I am not sure how you define closeness, but your wife went out and held a cell phone account and kept it hidden from you. That does not suggest "closeness" in a relationship. A close relationship does not have one party with his or her foot out the door. Also, it seems like you are content she will not leave you because of your financial stability. That is not closeness in a relationship, that is you getting used while she has her cake and eats it too. I mean being positive is one thing, but you are just plain fooling yourself about many things from the looks of it.

 

Anyway....

 

Her parents divorced when she was 12 and even though she feels like it was a good thing now, at the time I feel it was very tumultuous. She is a only child as well and spent a lot of time with her grandparents who she considered her real "mom and dad". She has a good relationship with her father and his wife, and he is very caring and rooted in reality. Her mom is a bit nutty at times and she talks with her almost every day. I feel that she is always striving for her approval and wants her mother to be proud of her - but with the recent events she is definitely not. While very put together and quite well off financially, she will at times lapse in a almost manic state coupled with some severe paranoia and anxiety. The mother in law can be controlling and manipulative, just like her mother was to her (who also became quite mentally unstable later in life). It's a nasty cycle that I feel stopped with my wife, at least in being controlling and manipulative part with her kids. I can see aspects of the anxiety and other mental issues but she realizes this and is willing to work on it. I do agree that she also needs individual counseling.

 

I am glad she knows she should seek some help to deal with those issues.

[Eeyore79]

You shouldn't have allowed her to visit this guy - you can bet your life she's had sex with him. You should probably go for an STD test.

[Mad Max]

Now, flash back a few years ago when I was always around hot young female models and she was getting jealous quite often. Accusing me of messing around when she was in a lowered state emotionally.

 

 

Classic sign of a cheater. The cheater shifts the blame and accuses the other party of doing the exact same thing they were/are doing.

[Brandi 2]

I can only agree with you that fb is NOT your friend. It is nothing more than an international, evil snitch network

 

I one hundered and fifty thousand % agree with you!!!!!! My daughters friends are all getting burned on FB in one form or another.

 

i am really sorry this is happening to you dh01, I wish there was something magical I could tell you or do to make it all go away, so sorry. I hope things get better on your homefront.

[Brandi 2]

Classic sign of a cheater. The cheater shifts the blame and accuses the other party of doing the exact same thing they were/are doing.

 

Given the rest of the information, it does sound like she is cheating. People have other reasons besides cheating for blameshifting, but I think you are correct.

[goingstrong]

Facebook is as much the cause for marital problems as violent video games are for shooting rampages. In short, very little to not at all.

 

Nice sound bite, but no substance.

 

Facebook is a social medium where the etiquette rules have yet to be worked out. We as responsible adults have to sit back and stop asking ourselves if we can use it and ask ourselves should we use it instead. IMHO, we as a people do not having the cultural wisdom to use it unchecked.

 

TJ, obviously you don't have kids or don't observe them. When you have a room full of 11 yr old boys watch an edited jackie chan/transformer movie, the first thing they do when it goes to commercial is duplicate what they see on TV..so I think you need to re-eval your position.

[frozensprouts]

a few years ago my husband got like that with Facebook

 

He was on Facebook and got a chat message from a woman who worked under him saying she had a problem and wanted to get together after work to talk about it. He refused.

A few weeks later and he was "chatting" with her on Facebook for hours at a time with er ( just as friends, he said) while I did everything else around the house... he would barely talk to me or our kids as he was always "chatting' with her

and the more this happened, the more we started to argue about other stuff

 

a few weeks later I'd finally had enough of it and asked him to stop chatting with her- he did, but was really upset about it

 

a few days later, he told me that I was horrible, awful, mean, controlling, cruel, etc., and he left to move in with her.

That lasted about three weeks the he moved home and we took a good honest look at things and started trying to repair the damage

 

 

He told me that on Facebook, the cahtting had started out friendly, but soon turned to him telling her about our problems ( he never told me about them-lol) and she, subtly at first, started running me down to him while pandering to his ego. He admits he should have stopped, but the lure of being able to vent to someone who tells you that everything you are doing is right and the other person is wrong was really strong.

 

 

 

Facebook isn't really the problem- it certainly exacerbates problems, but more than likely doesn't create them where none exist. We were having problems-Facebook didn't create them, but it sure made them worse.

[Clep]

I see in this post a man who has placed three halos upon his head. I see a great deal of finger pointing coupled with the inability to see what may be your part here.

 

And you say you are her foundation, like she would be completely ungrounded and incapable without you. And you seem okay with the idea of being husband and daddy all at the same time.

 

Seems to me she is going through lots and not handling it very productively. I agree she needs some therapy individually and so do you.

 

Maybe she can get rid of the emotional confusion and learn some skills.....you can get rid of your pride and wings.

 

People expose their issues on Facebook. Facebook is not a entity that can wreck marriages. It is ridiculous to blame an online social network for one's problems.

[starryeyed12]

Maybe she can get rid of the emotional confusion and learn some skills.....you can get rid of your pride and wings.

 

People expose their issues on Facebook. Facebook is not a entity that can wreck marriages. It is ridiculous to blame an online social network for one's problems.

 

I tend to agree with this idea. Facebook gets a bad rep in relationships bc of the nature of it being a social network. That said, in this case it may be more your friend than you think.

 

Without such an open medium you may not have been able to track your wifes issues quite as easily. Yes, it was painful and embarassing to see her status change (ridiculous!), but it opened the door for you to start unlocking the some of the real issues going on in your marriage.

 

With Facebook there are so many different connections and things that tie people from one thing to another, that the liar or cheater really has to take prolonged caution to cover their tracks. Things have a way of revealing themselves in time.

 

Also, if it wasn't Facebook, it would be something else. Cheaters and liars seem to always find a way.

 

As for your marriage, counseling seems to be your only option at this point. I agree she needs to get off the meds as much as possible. They are poison for her, and not to mention, a highly addictive substance! When I read that she takes the pills and has alcohol, a red flag went off in my mind. An entended family member of mine has been addicted to Xanax and alcohol for many years. It quickly devistated her life. Shes been to court ordered rehab several times for it, yet continues her abuse. If there is an addiction forming due to her anixety, this is very serious. I can almost guarantee that it is a major catalyst for her being out of touch with reality and her strange behavior- more so than her initial anxiety problem. It will be incredibly difficult, lifelong battle for her and your family if any abuse of these substances continues.

 

The journey to rid her of them will not be easy and she will likely not take to the idea so fondly. Even if she does agree, it will be a struggle, as most addicts have to hit a devistating rock bottom before truly recognizing the need for change. It may even take several rock bottoms, sometimes including near-death for them to see the light.

 

Please do what you can to get her off, or at least to tone down, the Xanax usage as soon as possible.

 

Stay strong. You will care for her and be tied to her for the rest of your life no matter what happens- keep that in mind. This is your beautiful wife and the mother of your children. You made a vow to love and protect her all the days of your life. It is your duty to give all you can.

Edited November 22, 2010 by starryeyed12

[ConstantCraving]

Recently in the last few months her Facebook activity has skyrocketed and as always I was not initially concerned until she changed her profile from "married" to "in a open relationship".

 

Although I am definitely not a fan of Facebook and have never been a member of it, WTF is up with her new Facebook status?

 

Did you agree to an open relationship?

 

If you didn't agree to an open relationship with her, then you don't have an open relationship with her.

 

She's just giving you notice that she intends to screw someone else. You need to call her on her BS.

[Windsurf66]

Heavy facebook flirting, changed status from married to open r/s, secret handphone, flying to meet the OM....

 

Its quite a clear and simple decision, divorce her...she has checked out of the marriage long ago and just hanging out until she finds a better OM to trade you up....

 

many people in this world, like the OP, mistook their own stupidity for faithfulness