northern_sky Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 I read some of my old threads tonight that I haven't looked at in years. I feel like I've lost myself. In some ways I was crazier and bitchier back then (cheating, acting generally amoral), but I can't imagine I would have settled for the crumbs I am now. The things I used to get hung up on were relatively minor. I mean my relationship with my ex ex was unsatisfying, and I should have ended it earlier, but I was miserable despite the fact that he gave me so much more than any guy has recently. Now I just accept crumbs and don't complain. Where did I lose myself? I feel that I've changed for the worse. Maybe I'm just depressed; I don't know. I think I'm more rational than I once was. I now know for certain when I'm making a mistake, even if I willingly make it. I understand social relations more. I don't obsess as much about what things mean or about why somebody isn't treating me the way I want. Instead my anxiety and obsessiveness is poured into my own behavior and how to act properly to please the other person. In other words, I understand when somebody isn't giving me what I want or how to interpret their actions. But I spend more time scrambling to control how they view me. Despite this increase in knowledge, my morale has declined. It's like I've resigned myself to half relationships because I think that's all I can get. I don't know what happened to me, or where I lost myself. I just want to reverse the damage, if I can.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Hey, I know that you are a regular here, I felt a lot of the same way with my husband, you hold out for so long and then you get bitter. I know the post is old. I hope things got better and I'll peek into some of your newer posts.
Star Gazer Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Instead my anxiety and obsessiveness is poured into my own behavior and how to act properly to please the other person. In other words, I understand when somebody isn't giving me what I want or how to interpret their actions. But I spend more time scrambling to control how they view me. Despite this increase in knowledge, my morale has declined. It's like I've resigned myself to half relationships because I think that's all I can get. It's perfectly natural to feel like you're only getting half a relationship when that is, in fact, what you're getting (or actually, even less than that). When you're more interested in controlling how someone sees you than just being authentic and letting the dudes fall where they may, you're not even allowing a foundation for a real relationship to be built. It makes sense that your emotional house would crumble because of that. I still think it would do you a world of good to choose men, actually ALL people in your life, who really, really do accept you as you are and make sure you know it without you having to resort to manipulative tactics to make them prove it to you. This is not to say you don't have room for improvement, because you do - we all do. Choose people who appreciate you, enjoy you, love you, for YOU in your natural, non-controlling state. Start with family and friends. Ask them why they love you. Cultivate that. Believe in it.
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