robynp Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Hi, I need advice. My BF and I have been together a little over two years. We live together and recently moved to a new state because of a great job. We plan to go home for the holidays - the state we were both born and raised. We have a bit of a unique situation... I am in a wheelchair; he is not. As such, I cannot get into his family's house. He obviously wants to spend some holidays with his family (and some with mine). His family refuses to go elsewhere for a holiday; in other words, a location that is accessible for me. This is causing a huge problem for us! He thinks he should be able to go there some holidays; I think we should spend every holiday together, even if that means not with his family. Am I being unreasonable??? I need the truth!
carhill Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 What exactly is the access issue? IME, very few access issues are insurmountable. I dealt with this as a caregiver. There are a lot of solutions out there. While it is reasonable to empathize with the needs of a handicapped person, private individuals don't bear the same burden of compliance with ADA standards that public and business entities do. This is where the handicapped person needs to be proactive. As an example, when I took my mother to private homes which had steps, I brought along a little ramp I made that allowed me to climb two or three normal steps at an incline which was manageable for her chair. My home is completely accessible but I don't expect others to be. Your BF's family shouldn't be *expected* to relocate to an accessible location for the holidays when you visit. Yes, it would be kind of them to do so, sure. With some compromise, I'm sure a solution can be reached.
NoLongerSad Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 The Internet solves everything. http://medicalcenter.osu.edu/PatientEd/Materials/PDFDocs/exer-reh/devices/wheel-chair.pdf
Author robynp Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 I use a very heavy power wheelchair, so lifting up stairs isn't possible. Also, there house has too many stairs, even for my portable ramp. I know they can't be expected to relocate. I guess my issue is not being ok with not spending some holidays together.
carhill Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Can you host them? I presume your residence is fully accessible. IMO, considering the circumstances, that would be my first thought. Obviously, this would defeat your plans of returning home for the holidays. Perhaps a split could be considered, where they visit for Thanksgiving and you visit your family at Christmas, with your BF splitting between families at that point, going home to visit his. Alternatively, presuming your family's residence is accessible, and not too distant from his, his family could join you at your family's home for a communal get-together. Many options. Lastly, if you have somewhat large families, you could arrange a room at an accessible neutral location to each and have a combined celebration there. To me, this is all part of the choices one makes when entering a relationship with a person with handicaps, or having such develop during the relationship. People necessarily need to compromise and think creatively. I hope it works out for you
NoLongerSad Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 I use a very heavy power wheelchair, so lifting up stairs isn't possible. Also, there house has too many stairs, even for my portable ramp. I know they can't be expected to relocate. I guess my issue is not being ok with not spending some holidays together. Maybe you could throw one of these in the back of the van for those occasions when more mobility is needed: http://www.activelivingnow.com/Transport_Wheelchairs_s/81.htm?gclid=CJnTpoWJsKUCFcbd4AodMSs7Yw
Author robynp Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 Oh, we have tried. His mother refuses to go anywhere else. Because of my limitations, getting in her house is not possible...trust me. Should I be okay with us celebrating the holidays apart??
carhill Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 Should I be okay with us celebrating the holidays apart?? Yeah, I'd do that, without prejudice. You have no control over how his family behaves wrt your disability. It's not like you can magically 'fix' it.
Author robynp Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 But it seems unfair that he and I have to be apart because of them...
carhill Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 Yes, and that's reasonable; IMO, this is a great opportunity to grow as a couple and solve issues *together*. I had a headstrong mother, now recently deceased, and know well what a handful such a person can be. Part of being a man is 'handling' family and commanding their respect for one's 'new' family, meaning one's SO/spouse. If your BF of two years wants this to progress to marriage, he's going to have to face up to certain issues, family being one of them. I hope you and he find a way to promote unity during this special time of year. He can start when he visits his parents - alone. I hope you communicate how you feel as well as offer positive suggestions and encouragement. Do your part. He has his part.
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