threebyfate Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 Something in another thread made me think about this. Also, another member from awhile ago, also helped to lay the groundwork for these thoughts. Dating and relationships aren't similar to force and object, where application of force or manipulation causes the object to be moved or not. It's a case of action/reaction where both are equal in magnitude. You're looking to date another person, not an object to acquire, not something but somebody. Once you've accepted that they're people of a compatible nature or not, rather than objects to be acquired which includes viewing yourself in the same objectified light of hierarchy, your dating and relationship experiences might get easier and better. You cannot control somebody but you can try to control something. Chances are, you're not going to be too happy with things.
OceanGirl Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 I agree in general. You can't manipulate someone into liking you. It will come down to chemistry and compatibility between two people. BUT there are people out there (like myself) who act in a manner that is very off putting to the opposite sex in the early stages of dating. They never get a chance to evaluate their true compatibility with a potential dating partner because they repeat the same self-defeating behaviors.
Author threebyfate Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 BUT there are people out there (like myself) who act in a manner that is very off putting to the opposite sex in the early stages of dating. They never get a chance to evaluate their true compatibility with a potential dating partner because they repeat the same self-defeating behaviors.But OG, you do have the ability to control your own behaviours of which one, is to try to relax and enjoy the experience connecting with another person or not.
eerie_reverie Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 I agree with you, but it's a hard lesson to apply if your tendency is to try to control everything. For those of us programmed that way, we don't know how else to go about getting together with someone. With most of the guys I have "dated", I've been the force.
Author threebyfate Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 I agree with you, but it's a hard lesson to apply if your tendency is to try to control everything. For those of us programmed that way, we don't know how else to go about getting together with someone. With most of the guys I have "dated", I've been the force.Forget how relationships have ended. Just focus on the relationships themselves. Did those relationships make you happy being the force?
OceanGirl Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 But OG, you do have the ability to control your own behaviours of which one, is to try to relax and enjoy the experience connecting with another person or not. Precisely, in the whole dating scenario - I can ONLY control my own behavior.
Author threebyfate Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 Precisely, in the whole dating scenario - I can ONLY control my own behavior.You bet! And you can do it, as long as it doesn't entail making a pretzel of your real personality to appeal. When I say real personality, the one that comes through when you're more relaxed. Keep in mind that these guys are people too, just like you. They're also going to be nervous as shyte, when meeting the first few times. So, do you mesh or not with this other person as yourself, is key.
tigressA Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 For me, it's more about finding someone who's truly compatible and building on that instead of forcing compatibility with someone who just isn't. I can be endlessly fascinated by someone but if we're fundamentally incompatible (like C and me), it just will not work. I never felt truly relaxed around him, so the worst parts of myself always burned bright. Not a fun time.
Author threebyfate Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 For me, it's more about finding someone who's truly compatible and building on that instead of forcing compatibility with someone who just isn't. I can be endlessly fascinated by someone but if we're fundamentally incompatible (like C and me), it just will not work. I never felt truly relaxed around him, so the worst parts of myself always burned bright. Not a fun time.That's a cool way to put it. We each are flames inside. We can burn red or blue, hot or cold.
tigressA Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 That's a cool way to put it. We each are flames inside. We can burn red or blue, hot or cold. Yes, and you want to find someone to augment the best of what you already have. You don't want someone putting a damper on your best qualities, and/or augmenting your worst. I like the idea that those who are compatible with me can help me become a better person. I do think I'm already pretty kick-ass , but being with people who I 'click' with help reinforce the sentiment that I am worth it. There is a balance, though. You don't want someone to put you up on a pedestal, nor do you want someone to constantly nitpick/criticize you.
Author threebyfate Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 Yes, and you want to find someone to augment the best of what you already have. You don't want someone putting a damper on your best qualities, and/or augmenting your worst. I like the idea that those who are compatible with me can help me become a better person. I do think I'm already pretty kick-ass , but being with people who I 'click' with help reinforce the sentiment that I am worth it. There is a balance, though. You don't want someone to put you up on a pedestal, nor do you want someone to constantly nitpick/criticize you.Agreed!
OceanGirl Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Yes TigressA, I have observed how different people bring out different aspects of my personality. This is even true with friends. In terms of guys, there are some that bring out my obsessiveness and neurosis to the forefront. It could be their communication style, it could be something about them that just rubs me up the wrong way. Those guys can be very attractive but still there is a fundamental incompatibility meaning that a LTR has no chance.
tigressA Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 In terms of guys, there are some that bring out my obsessiveness and neurosis to the forefront. It could be their communication style, it could be something about them that just rubs me up the wrong way. Those guys can be very attractive but still there is a fundamental incompatibility meaning that a LTR has no chance. Right, and when you're attracted it's hard to let go despite the incompatibility. For me, with C--whenever I was really myself, he just did not get me at all. He asked me why I had to "think so much". He thought the things I said, etc, were too "complex" in nature and he didn't want to even try to understand. I had never been with someone who thought that an intrinsic part of who I am was such an awful thing. I tried to change my actions to change his reactions, but that just frustrated and saddened me.
OceanGirl Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Right, and when you're attracted it's hard to let go despite the incompatibility. For me, with C--whenever I was really myself, he just did not get me at all. He asked me why I had to "think so much". He thought the things I said, etc, were too "complex" in nature and he didn't want to even try to understand. I had never been with someone who thought that an intrinsic part of who I am was such an awful thing. I tried to change my actions to change his reactions, but that just frustrated and saddened me. To use TBF's expression, you were trying to pretzel. Sounds like you were too smart for him
tigressA Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 To use TBF's expression, you were trying to pretzel. Sounds like you were too smart for him I was in fact pretzel-ing, but I definitely wouldn't say either of us was smarter than the other. We were just intelligent in very different ways (I'm more literary/verbal/emotional/interpersonal; he's more technical/mathematical/logical), and that was one reason of many we were incompatible. Looking back, his disdain for reading compared to my lifelong love for it was a red flag. :laugh:
Author threebyfate Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 Hey, don't be dissing technical stuff in a thread with physics references.
tigressA Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Hey, don't be dissing technical stuff in a thread with physics references. I had the chance to take physics in high school, but dissed it in favor of DRAMA. :laugh:
Author threebyfate Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 I had the chance to take physics in high school, but dissed it in favor of DRAMA. :laugh:Aha! I took it for a number of years. So that explains our differences where I'm cold and you're hot!
tigressA Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 So, I have a physics question, Professor...:laugh: I'm wondering if the action/reaction applies in conversation--when you think before you speak. Obviously you want to put your best foot forward, but where is the line crossed from wanting to merely do that to wanting to try to control how someone reacts to you? That's at least one instance where this sort of thing seems more gray than black-and-white.
Author threebyfate Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 So, I have a physics question, Professor...:laugh: I'm wondering if the action/reaction applies in conversation--when you think before you speak. Obviously you want to put your best foot forward, but where is the line crossed from wanting to merely do that to wanting to try to control how someone reacts to you? That's at least one instance where this sort of thing seems more gray than black-and-white.Never said I was any good at it! Depends. Are you being authentic in your positioning? Are you omitting key information that might impact on an honest view of you as a person?
tigressA Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Never said I was any good at it! Depends. Are you being authentic in your positioning? Are you omitting key information that might impact on an honest view of you as a person? Okay, that makes sense. As for the questions, yes, and no. There are some times when I think "I totally could have given an even wittier response to what he just said, darn, thought of it too late", etc. Stuff like that. It would still be "me", though.
Author threebyfate Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 Okay, that makes sense. As for the questions, yes, and no. There are some times when I think "I totally could have given an even wittier response to what he just said, darn, thought of it too late", etc. Stuff like that. It would still be "me", though.Don't you just love hindsight and holding your tongue since you're not certain how they will take an irreverent response or potential innuendo?
northern_sky Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Aha! I took it for a number of years. So that explains our differences where I'm cold and you're hot! Interesting. I'm probably more hot-blooded, but physics was my favorite class in high school, and I excelled at it. Actually, what I liked was how intuitive it was compared to chemistry.
tigressA Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Don't you just love hindsight and holding your tongue since you're not certain how they will take an irreverent response or potential innuendo? Ohhh yeah... I feel like I'm nicely on my game with this new guy, but at the same time it's like my brain is awakening from a deep freeze because C and I didn't relate even remotely well. I'm on my toes this time around--in the good way--and it's a lot of fun, but it's made me a tiny bit self-critical too. It really helps that so far, we have a s*it-ton in common--stuff I never thought I'd share with some of my closest friends, much less a guy I'm dating.
Author threebyfate Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 Ohhh yeah... I feel like I'm nicely on my game with this new guy, but at the same time it's like my brain is awakening from a deep freeze because C and I didn't relate even remotely well. I'm on my toes this time around--in the good way--and it's a lot of fun, but it's made me a tiny bit self-critical too. It really helps that so far, we have a s*it-ton in common--stuff I never thought I'd share with some of my closest friends, much less a guy I'm dating.Whoah, I'm liking this guy more and more. Good luck with your date this weekend!
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