The Psychology of Infidelity

[Spark1111]

Well, a lot of psychological research points to cheaters having poor self-esteem, poor communication and conflict resolution skills.

 

They need external validation because they do not know how to internally validate themselves.

 

They frequently blame others for their lack of happiness and often look to new people to validate and flatter them; to make them feel worthy.

 

Unless they are willing to do the hard work of introspecting to discover why they feel incapable of making THEMSELVES happy, you will generally find a repeating pattern of poor relationship skills, not only in their marriages, but with others as well.

[donnamaybe]

I have to question something stated earlier. If one doesn't see anyone else when they are in love, then why does it take so long, if ever, for the MP in an affair situation to leave their spouse? Does that then mean they aren't "in love" with their AP since they so clearly "see" their spouse every day?

[katielee]

Well, a lot of psychological research points to cheaters having poor self-esteem, poor communication and conflict resolution skills.

 

They need external validation because they do not know how to internally validate themselves.

 

They frequently blame others for their lack of happiness and often look to new people to validate and flatter them; to make them feel worthy.

 

Unless they are willing to do the hard work of introspecting to discover why they feel incapable of making THEMSELVES happy, you will generally find a repeating pattern of poor relationship skills, not only in their marriages, but with others as well.

 

all good points. how does one internally validate? And let me also add, having an A, if your self esteem is low, will put it even further under.

[donnamaybe]

And let me also add, having an A, if your self esteem is low, will put it even further under.

Unless one deludes oneself into believing that, even after years of waiting, they are their AP's true love and their MP is merely suffering the spouse.

[Mimolicious]

One comment - I have heard people on here who are in affairs refer to the idea of "serial monogamy"... I don't understand this, as if the guy/woman they are having the affair with is married, then how are they being "monogamous"? ( and don't give me the line of "he's not sleeping with his wife, etc., as he may tell you that, but he may very well be lying)

 

This one made my head spin as well. But God forbid this was a BS saying such a ridiculous thing...

[2sure]

Just like anyone who knows something is not right but does it anyway but doesnt want to feel guilty:

 

Affair partners, whether they are WS or OM/OW, are for some reason basing their decisions and actions on justifications and excuses...which allow them to get what they want or feel they need regardless of who else it effects.

 

Other people, because they do not need to avoid guilt , base decisions and actions on reasons . The effect their choices have on others is a serious consideration.

[Hazyhead]

One comment - I have heard people on here who are in affairs refer to the idea of "serial monogamy"... I don't understand this, as if the guy/woman they are having the affair with is married, then how are they being "monogamous"? ( and don't give me the line of "he's not sleeping with his wife, etc., as he may tell you that, but he may very well be lying)

 

This term used in that context always baffles me, too. If the MP is making steps to end his/her marriage then I can see that it may well be the case, but if they're not? If they're still very much married with no intention to leave? Surely it is not possible to be serially monogamous as by very definition that person has engaged two people in a relationship, they may be monogamous but the cheater is not. The physical part is only one aspect of a successful relationship, true monogamy involves much more. Maybe it's a very effective form of manipulation by the married person... maybe it's delusion by the AP...I don't know. It's a shame whatever the cause. Two people think they are monogamous with that person (one of them probably unknowingly). What a waste.

[AlektraClementine]

Just like anyone who knows something is not right but does it anyway but doesnt want to feel guilty:

 

Affair partners, whether they are WS or OM/OW, are for some reason basing their decisions and actions on justifications and excuses...which allow them to get what they want or feel they need regardless of who else it effects.

 

Other people, because they do not need to avoid guilt , base decisions and actions on reasons . The effect their choices have on others is a serious consideration.

 

 

This is the most sensible answer to the original question. Even simpler, people have affairs because they choose to have them. Most people at some point or another notice other people (not their spouse) and have a sexual, physiological, or emotional reaction to them. It's at that point, that a person not determined to have an affair, checks him/her self.

 

I don't think affairs happen/do not happen due to the uniqueness of a given situation but rather due to the uniqueness of a person. No matter how special you think your circumstances are, someone, somewhere else, has been through it too and made different choices.

[pureinheart]

What makes someone get into a relationship with a person already commited to someone else? What makes them stay? If they are the WS, what makes them feel alright about it? This also extends to those who get involved with men/women that are already in marriages.

 

I am asking for opinions from anyone, whether you have been a BS, WS, OW/OM, ect. or not. I would like to point out though, this thread is not intented to bash or put down anyone. It is just intended to inform those (like me) who are interested in what is going through the head of someone who decides to be unfaithful to their partner.

 

Hi LB,

 

I'll do the best I can to give you the short version, certain points would take too long to explain all of them so I guess unless you ask, you'll have to take my word for it:).

 

I'm still putting the pieces together so please bare with me.

 

I met exDM (aka MM) in 2000 at work, he was always there, meaning he followed me A LOT. We got to know each other and talked, I was M also at the time. he was not happy with his M...I suggested flowers and dinner (for W)...he would have no part of it and acted like the thought was revolting to him. I wouldn't talk to him much anymore due to his attitude about his M...I took a leave of absense from work and moved to VA.

 

My M was a joke, but I tried to make it work...my H could not stay away from strip clubs, prostitutes and porn. I was severely traumatised by the events that surrounded his addiction. He was USMC and went UA a week or so before 9 11, we lived about 10-15min from the Pentagon...9 11 hits, I know no one...I go to the Marine Corps for help, I was told they were not there for me. I had no money and my now ex ran up debts that you wouldn't believe during his "adventures".

 

ExDM talks a friend of mine into giving my email...he contacts me and I try to minister to him and then he was trying to get too close so I don't write him anymore.

 

After going through hell and back I manage to get back to my home sweet home (I'll never move again). I know the M is over, but I have no resources and beg God to keep the M together until I can get on my feet. H was cheating left and right and I could have cared less.

 

I get called back to work and prepare to leave H (yeah!), I got put on the same project at the same desk with exDM...I see a different side of him...now things are making sense concerning his behavior as people begin to tell me about his very abusive situation at home. I observed him and knew. Working so close I saw a different side of him.

 

I decided a friendship would be ok because I really liked him, mostly because he was so good to me. We became very close which turned into an EA. Prior to this, before I had any feelings for him like that I encouraged him to get out of his abusive sitch which involved his entire family.

 

He said he never wanted a D (even though his actions told a completely different story)...personally I didn't care if he D'ed, and never expected it, nor wanted him "for myself", I advised him as I would anyone in an abusive R.

 

Him, his W and kids had a strange dynamic...one poster referred to them as a "family of stalkers" because I finally was tired of the games, and had yelled at him one day, screaming, "is this some sick game you and your W are playing with me"...it's what it felt like...

 

His W knew of our friendship and EA, although I didn't care (there is a lot more to this part of it...too long though). The stalkers thing came in (which landed me on LS) due to me going NC a few months prior and him blowing up my cell phone daily, calling 30 times plus per day...I came on LS and described it and got more than enough info.

 

I wrote him an email, because I couldn't take it anymore and told him he'd BETTER back off. He left that email up on the PC and then came the vultures (his family, and that is a whole nuther story)...he said he was so upset that he "accidentally" left it up. It was weird what went down after that...it was like they had his approval (by leaving the email up) to basically harrass me severely.

 

I loved him, but with him being M, I felt I didn't have a right to love him like that, so held a lot in. So many times I'd think that, ok this is it, he's finally going to make that needed break. I think we were both extremely traumatised and hung on to each other as a way to cope.

 

It's interesting as the terminology of "cards" have prophesied much of my major life events and I thought this comment he made was interesting ( I knew the influence I had on him), we were just talking about life and the various holds that things had on him and I said, "well, it seems as if your W holds all of the cards", his reply was, "but you hold the ace".

 

After going NC and all of the crap about 4 mo later I get a call from a friend of his letting me know he was separated...I knew it was supposed to happen, but didn't think it would. He had put his friend up to calling me, and he himself called me...I found the call several days later and called him back...that's all she wrote after that.

 

He got D

I went thought it with him, it was horrible

we haven't spoken for a while now.

 

I am working out some priddy radical issues, although I don't regret anything...it happened the way it was meant to. I wish him peace, love and joy...he deserves it.

Edited November 30, 2010 by pureinheart

[jennie-jennie]

This term used in that context always baffles me, too. If the MP is making steps to end his/her marriage then I can see that it may well be the case, but if they're not? If they're still very much married with no intention to leave? Surely it is not possible to be serially monogamous as by very definition that person has engaged two people in a relationship, they may be monogamous but the cheater is not. The physical part is only one aspect of a successful relationship, true monogamy involves much more. Maybe it's a very effective form of manipulation by the married person... maybe it's delusion by the AP...I don't know. It's a shame whatever the cause. Two people think they are monogamous with that person (one of them probably unknowingly). What a waste.

 

Just because the MM is desperately holding on to the illusion of marriage being the one true love, does not mean that he is not serially monogamous. It probably means that he has trouble accepting that he is.

 

I had a period myself with parallel relationships with my MM and my SO. I still consider myself to be monogamous. Just because the two relationships overlapped for a while does not make me polyamorous IMO. One relationship was dying, and the other was getting stronger day by day.

[WTFBBQ]

What makes someone get into a relationship with a person already commited to someone else? What makes them stay? If they are the WS, what makes them feel alright about it? This also extends to those who get involved with men/women that are already in marriages.

 

I am asking for opinions from anyone, whether you have been a BS, WS, OW/OM, ect. or not. I would like to point out though, this thread is not intented to bash or put down anyone. It is just intended to inform those (like me) who are interested in what is going through the head of someone who decides to be unfaithful to their partner.

It's called weak character.

[jennie-jennie]

The serially monogamous MM in a long-term extramarital relationship is no more polyamorous than the married gay man who has not stepped out of the closet yet is heterosexual or bisexual. It's the same dynamic, keeping up the illusion.

[hoping2heal]

What makes someone get into a relationship with a person already commited to someone else? What makes them stay? If they are the WS, what makes them feel alright about it? This also extends to those who get involved with men/women that are already in marriages.

 

I am asking for opinions from anyone, whether you have been a BS, WS, OW/OM, ect. or not. I would like to point out though, this thread is not intented to bash or put down anyone. It is just intended to inform those (like me) who are interested in what is going through the head of someone who decides to be unfaithful to their partner.

 

Interesting thread. There have been studied done that reflect very low self esteem across the board in people who choose to be an affair partner.

 

I imagine that coupled with dysfunctional issues has a lot to do with it.

 

I think the studies make sense. I cannot fathom how a person could possibly be emotionally healthy and stable, and still agree to an affair. Nor can I fathom how someone with a healthy self esteem that feels good about themselves, could settle for that or put themselves in a situation like that to begin with.

[Distant78]

Interesting thread. There have been studied done that reflect very low self esteem across the board in people who choose to be an affair partner.

 

I imagine that coupled with dysfunctional issues has a lot to do with it.

 

I think the studies make sense. I cannot fathom how a person could possibly be emotionally healthy and stable, and still agree to an affair. Nor can I fathom how someone with a healthy self esteem that feels good about themselves, could settle for that or put themselves in a situation like that to begin with.

 

Or to be more blunt, settle for sloppy seconds.

[goingstrong]

All this psycho babble may be the reason why women cheat, but with men it is very simple.

[OWoman]

Interesting thread. There have been studied done that reflect very low self esteem across the board in people who choose to be an affair partner.

 

Interesting notion. Could you give references, or links, to find these studies? I've been looking on the Psych Indices and on Google Scholar, but the only studies I can find linking affairs and self-esteem are those that posit the causality the other way - that BSs (esp BWs) suffer low self-esteem as a result of As. I've gone back about 20 years in the databases but can't find anything else - can you remember where you came across those studies?

[phillygirl]

when i was younger, i had an A with a MM for one reason only: i wanted to.

 

and he was unhappy in his M.

 

i was sexy, beautiful, smart and fun. i was impressed with his intellect, and power (he was an executive at a company i worked for). i was the young woman who made xMM feel "young" and sexy again.

 

there was no deep profound rationale; nor psychological root for my behavior. i did it because it benefited me. i ended the relationship after 6 months. in retrospect, it was wrong and disrespectful to his wife and family. his issues were his, and i exploited that for my own selfish needs.

 

the irony is that now at 40, i'm not so young, sexy and beautiful (at least not to my husband). and i am growing increasingly depressed by his fascination with erotica, porn and younger women, juxtaposed with his sexual disinterest in me.

 

karma? yep.

[Owl]

Just because the MM is desperately holding on to the illusion of marriage being the one true love, does not mean that he is not serially monogamous. It probably means that he has trouble accepting that he is.

 

I had a period myself with parallel relationships with my MM and my SO. I still consider myself to be monogamous. Just because the two relationships overlapped for a while does not make me polyamorous IMO. One relationship was dying, and the other was getting stronger day by day.

 

I guess technically you were monogamous, as the definitions I've found for it all indicate being MARRIED to one person at a time.

 

But, you were engaged in two relationships at the same time, instead of actually ending one relationship BEORE beginning another...which by the common definition of the word here on the board...isn't monogamy.

 

Even serial monogamy means ending one relationship before starting another. If you were still in a relationship with one man...regardless of whether or not it was on a decline at the time...and started a relationship with another...that's not serial monogamy. You were in a relationship with both men for some period of time.

 

And getting back to the concept of the "psychology of infidelity" here...you were unfaithful to the man you were in the "old" relationship with.

 

I would guess that you see this differently than the majority of others do. Common views on this probably differ greatly from your own.

[silktricks]

Just because the MM is desperately holding on to the illusion of marriage being the one true love, does not mean that he is not serially monogamous. It probably means that he has trouble accepting that he is.

 

I had a period myself with parallel relationships with my MM and my SO. I still consider myself to be monogamous. Just because the two relationships overlapped for a while does not make me polyamorous IMO. One relationship was dying, and the other was getting stronger day by day.

 

JJ, just because you consider yourself to be monogamous, doesn't make you such. If you (or anyone) is carrying on 2 sexual relationships simultaneously, they are not monogamous. You can dice it and slice it anyway you want, but you won't change the fact that monogamy is by definition 1 sexual relationship, and serial monogamy is one sexual relationship at a time. ergo the "mono" part of the word monogamous.

 

You may want to be monogamous, or want to consider yourself to be monogamous, but at the time that you are actively having sexual relationships with 2 separate people, you are not. Just as a MM who is having 2 relationships at the same time is not monogamous, no matter how badly he wants to be or wishes he could be. He isn't.