BB07 Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 The inappropriate "smiley face" looks suspiciously like a tattoo to me. Ya think? Perhaps you have a tattoo of your own.
NoLongerSad Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Ya think? Perhaps you have a tattoo of your own. That makes two.
OWoman Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 What makes someone get into a relationship with a person already commited to someone else? What makes them stay? The same reasons that "make" anyone get into any R with anyone else. In my case, nothing "made" me do anything. I chose As rather than FTRs because they better met my requirements. All of my other R needs were met from other sources - my friends, my colleagues, my career, my kids, my home, my studies, my hobbies and interests, my activism, my extended family. I had more than enough affirmation, closeness, love, humour, intellectual stimulation, challenge, connection, sharing and the rest - what I wanted was sex. SGs were - or became - far too needy and clingy, wanting far more than I was prepared to consider and wanting to become part of my life in a way I was not willing to entertain. MMs had their own lives going for them, so wouldn't want to parasitically feed off mine - or at least, that was the theory. Sadly it didn't always work out that way and those others got dumped tootsweet. As suited me, so that was my R mode of choice. No pathology, no compulsion, no addiction, no co-dependence, no self-esteem issues. Just a rational, informed choice based on a grounded and thorough assessment of what I - and my dependents - needed at the time. I "stayed" in them while it suited me. When my circumstances / needs / priorities changed, so did my choices.
HalfAlive22 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 My MM was happily married when we first reconnected. His wife is a good woman. So no. What I identify with is falling out of love with one person and in love with another, serial monogamy. A natural part of life in my opinion. I don't feel, that if your really in love with someone you can just fall out..there is to much history and emotion, and If I were an OW/OM I'd be afraid of the same thing happening to me ..if it's a natural part of life.
Joe Normal Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 The psychology is pretty simple. We are programmed to reproduced repeatedly during our fertile period of life, so we will repeatedly feel sexual attraction to multiple people over our lives. If that attraction is stronger than a combination of our willpower, morals, and happiness with our current mate, then we will cheat; if it is weaker, we won't.
goingstrong Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 1. Most women cheat to fulfill l the emotional needs not being met in their current relationship. It's starts off as an EA for them and changes into a PA to fulfill the desires of their male affair partner. 2. Most men cheat for the thrill of the chase, and to fulfill the desire to reproduce with as many women as possible as Joe normal said. 3. The rest is just people over analyzing it.
bentnotbroken Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 1. Most women cheat to fulfill l the emotional needs not being met in their current relationship. It's starts off as an EA for them and changes into a PA to fulfill the desires of their male affair partner. 2. Most men cheat for the thrill of the chase, and to fulfill the desire to reproduce with as many women as possible as Joe normal said. 3. The rest is just people over analyzing it. According to a good bit of the research I have studied, this is only true for certain categories, like SES, age, religious affiliation and race. The above are common misconceptions that most the general public believes.
jennie-jennie Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I don't feel, that if your really in love with someone you can just fall out..there is to much history and emotion, and If I were an OW/OM I'd be afraid of the same thing happening to me ..if it's a natural part of life. If you really are in love with someone, you don't see anyone else. There is only one for you. It is when your needs are not fulfilled, that you start falling out of love and looking elsewhere. Yes, I believe serial monogamy is a natural part of life. Serial monogamy means to me that as long as that relationship lasts there is only one for you. I'm not going to waste my time on being afraid of the future. I enjoy my relationships while they last. And they last as long as both partners' needs are sufficiently fulfilled.
karnak Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 1. Most women cheat to fulfill l the emotional needs not being met in their current relationship. It's starts off as an EA for them and changes into a PA to fulfill the desires of their male affair partner. 2. Most men cheat for the thrill of the chase, and to fulfill the desire to reproduce with as many women as possible as Joe normal said. 3. The rest is just people over analyzing it. Yeah, right. Women have no sexual desire. They just open their legs to please men.
Silly_Girl Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 Yeah, right. Women have no sexual desire. They just open their legs to please men. Exactly. Good job I'm so selfless in my relationship
goingstrong Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 According to a good bit of the research I have studied, this is only true for certain categories, like SES, age, religious affiliation and race. The above are common misconceptions that most the general public believes. Read the vast majority of the LS posts. Also, from my personal experiences of being the OM. You may think there is more to it but there isn't. Of course I am not speaking in absolutes...there are always exceptions.
goingstrong Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Yeah, right. Women have no sexual desire. They just open their legs to please men. Compared to men they don't. Again I am not speaking in absolutes...believe what you want believe..hear what you to hear and disregard the rest.
bentnotbroken Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Read the vast majority of the LS posts. Also, from my personal experiences of being the OM. You may think there is more to it but there isn't. Of course I am not speaking in absolutes...there are always exceptions. I look beyond what's in front of me, since this (though we might like to believe:)) isn't the center of the world. I am a student of human behavior. I study cross cultures and time and LS and the present is a blimp on the radar. I don't think...I know. But if you are comfortable with your opinion, no need to change it...I don't when I am comfortable with mine.
goingstrong Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 . I study cross cultures and time and LS and the present is a blimp on the radar. I don't think...I know. By looking at your avatar you apparently think pretty highly of yourself.Your post reflects that as well I am a student of human behavior Your perspective is from that of a woman's ...... mine a man's..if you can't decipher the difference, then how can you be student of human behavior? I have chased and caught plenty of tail, married or otherwise..I don't think, I know as well..... from my experience.
bentnotbroken Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 By looking at your avatar you apparently think pretty highly of yourself.Your post reflects that as well Your perspective is from that of a woman's ...... mine a man's..if you can't decipher the difference, then how can you be student of human behavior? I have chased and caught plenty of tail, married or otherwise..I don't think, I know as well..... from my experience. Why of course I think highly of myself:laugh:. The Avatar is because my kids call me their hero. It is possible to study men and women with the perspective of an interested person, not gender. But whatever floats your boat. There is no gender difference in stupid behavior. It all sucks. :lmao: You aren't the only person who views the world from an andro/enthnocentric point of view...it's fairly standard operating procedure. God bless.
goingstrong Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 : It is possible to study men and women with the perspective of an interested person, not gender. and You aren't the only person who views the world from an andro/enthnocentric point of view...it's fairly standard operating procedure. God bless. How can you not? You do have a gender, therefore there is a bias....period. If you think otherwise, then you are only fooling yourself.
2themoon&back Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 What makes someone get into a relationship with a person already commited to someone else? What makes them stay? If they are the WS, what makes them feel alright about it? This also extends to those who get involved with men/women that are already in marriages. I am asking for opinions from anyone, whether you have been a BS, WS, OW/OM, ect. or not. I would like to point out though, this thread is not intented to bash or put down anyone. It is just intended to inform those (like me) who are interested in what is going through the head of someone who decides to be unfaithful to their partner. All I can say about this is every situation comes with its own unique circumstances, so no one reason really can blanket the topic. With that said and from my own experiences I believe that the most common reason is SELFISHNESS… And depending on which side you are on here determines if this is a good thing or not. Selfishness is to me like all things not bad when done with good intentions (taking care of one’s self) at the same time to do in moderation. So to answer your questions honestly I will draw from what I was thinking at the time… About myself … no one else just me, this is something I have not done often in my life, and this being one of the reasons I do not feel very apologetic in the choice and try to own the choice I made. I say this all the time but still feel the need to say it again, I am remorseful not regretful, to me and maybe only me there is a difference. I felt at the time I could control my emotions and the situation and had to invest very little to get my needs met… I was wrong, but I did not know that until after the fact. I thought that because he had a relationship he was committed (and I use this word loosely) to he would not need much from me and I would get what I needed and when it was over it would just be over and it would be a memory from my life. I did not think about anyone else and neither did he. So I believe when you have needy people who may not be honest about their needs or to afraid to be vulnerable to express their needs, you get selfishness, where people take what they need with no regard for others, this is a sure way to get it and at the time the risk seems worth it. I hope I gave something to help you in some way and if not I hope you do find the answers you are looking for, I imagine that just like you and me, we are trying to understand what happened to the life we knew and thought we had, and all I can add is that when other people are involved in our life, we are going to be vulnerable to their choices, but what is the other choice?
thomasb Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Actually, a lot of the people on this site think alot of Bent.
bentnotbroken Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 and How can you not? You do have a gender, therefore there is a bias....period. If you think otherwise, then you are only fooling yourself. :laugh:It's called being trained to do your job. Studying patterns doesn't require you label anything. Just look at what's there and then look for possible reasons. Your post that I commented on originally is indeed true....under very specific conditions. It is not true across the board or even in the majority of situations. I get enough of Woggle's female hatred(love you Wog's:love:) I will leave you to yours. Again be blessed.
blueroses10 Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I like how you make destroying a family sound so simple and innocent. It's all about love... right? I had my parents divorce when I was younger. You can't tell me it's all about love, because that would make love very selfish and hurtful. Divorce can be about love sometimes. My feeling is that it is better to raise kids in 2 seperate homes versus one where parents argue and fight all the time. I know divorce hurts but great things can come out of it if people are adult enough about things.
bentnotbroken Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Divorce can be about love sometimes. My feeling is that it is better to raise kids in 2 seperate homes versus one where parents argue and fight all the time. I know divorce hurts but great things can come out of it if people are adult enough about things. A divorce can be a great thing if it is what both parties desire and everything was handled on the up and up. In cheating situations that isn't usually the case. When one parent lies and brings an outside party into an already bad situation the children will be hurt. A hurting parent is hard to hide from the child.
Bittersweetie Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 (edited) I felt at the time I could control my emotions and the situation and had to invest very little to get my needs met… I was wrong, but I did not know that until after the fact. I thought that because he had a relationship he was committed (and I use this word loosely) to he would not need much from me and I would get what I needed and when it was over it would just be over and it would be a memory from my life. I can relate to this. Looking back and examining the whys of my affair, I realize how incredibly selfish I was. I had needs that were not being met in my M and I stupidly thought I could find someone to "fill in the gaps for now" and when it was over, it would be over, I would just move on with my own life. I actually chose someone who was a MM because I thought he'd understand the risks while also not having high expectations from me. I seriously thought, like Moon, I could control myself and the situation. But I didn't control things at all. There was one major gap between my H and I, and after D-day it became a dealbreaker for the reconciliation, if we couldn't work it out, we weren't going to stay together. It was damn hard working on this, getting past over 15 years of habits and patterns. But now that we've worked through much of it, it's wonderful. It makes me feel even more like crap for thinking I could fix this problem with someone else. But the selfish part of me just couldn't see past this "unfixable" problem, and I thought I had the right to take matters into my own hands. Not sure if this helps, it's just my perspective from my own experience. P.S. I want to clarify that by saying "I didn't control things" I don't mean that I am excusing the choices I made. I meant that I thought I could control the situation with the MM but rather it controlled me. I am fully responsible for the choices I made in regards to this. Edited November 29, 2010 by Bittersweetie typo, adding the P.S.
goingstrong Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 (edited) I get enough of Woggle's female hatred(love you Wog's:love:) I will leave you to yours. Again be blessed. No female hatred here, just a distaste for condescending posters. Oh yea...God bless. If I finish with a that and a smiley face it makes the arrogance more palatable. I'm sure you'll want to get the last word in, so I'll let you. I'm done with this...let's just agree to disagree. Edited November 29, 2010 by goingstrong
donnamaybe Posted November 29, 2010 Posted November 29, 2010 Unless an AP just doesn't WANT their MP to divorce, or unless there is clear and concrete evidence of the M moving toward divorce and some sort of real relationship for the AP's, I don't get it either. I would have to say it's pure delusion, after a very lengthy period of time wherein the MP hasn't made ANY move toward a divorce or even telling their spouse, to think the situation is ever going to be more than the current status.
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