Lauriebell82 Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 What makes someone get into a relationship with a person already commited to someone else? What makes them stay? If they are the WS, what makes them feel alright about it? This also extends to those who get involved with men/women that are already in marriages. I am asking for opinions from anyone, whether you have been a BS, WS, OW/OM, ect. or not. I would like to point out though, this thread is not intented to bash or put down anyone. It is just intended to inform those (like me) who are interested in what is going through the head of someone who decides to be unfaithful to their partner.
jennie-jennie Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 The same as in all relationships: attraction and love. I love a man, he loves me. He is married. Well, then he should get a divorce. Oh, he doesn't, well, I can't make him. I love a man, he loves me.
jennie-jennie Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 I recommend Patterns of Infidelity and their Treatment by Emily Brown if you are serious about learning about affairs. Great reading!
Cobra_X Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 The same as in all relationships: attraction and love. I love a man, he loves me. He is married. Well, then he should get a divorce. Oh, he doesn't, well, I can't make him. I love a man, he loves me. I like how you make destroying a family sound so simple and innocent. It's all about love... right? I had my parents divorce when I was younger. You can't tell me it's all about love, because that would make love very selfish and hurtful.
jennie-jennie Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 I like how you make destroying a family sound so simple and innocent. It's all about love... right? I had my parents divorce when I was younger. You can't tell me it's all about love, because that would make love very selfish and hurtful. There are two kinds of love: altruistic love and selfish love. Altruistic love is what you hold for your children, your friends, your parents. Selfish love is what you hold for your partner. You love the person that makes you feel good. I wish my parents had divorced when I was younger. My father should have left my abusive mother and taken us with him.
wheelwright Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 I had my A because I had already fallen in love with xMOM. I quickly came to feel him as a soulmate. And I had already fallen out of love with H. And because xMOM's W said she didn't love her H. And because I was a coward, a sensible coward who needed to check her soul's yearnings and messages. 1 1/2 years post DDay it is still the most painful and transformational experience of my life. Those are the facts. Make what you will of the motives.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 I wish my parents had divorced when I was younger. My father should have left my abusive mother and taken us with him. Interesting, do you think you identify with MM because you see them as being victimized by or unhappy with their wives as your father was?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 The same as in all relationships: attraction and love. I love a man, he loves me. He is married. Well, then he should get a divorce. Oh, he doesn't, well, I can't make him. I love a man, he loves me. That's not the same in all relationships. You are describing codependency ("I am not happy with what's going on but I'm going to put up with it")
BB07 Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 (edited) I'll give your question a shot LB, although my story is a bit different. There was this man who I worked with who we seemed to be mutually attracted to but not much came of it for quite a while. We weren't close friends, more of a casual thing for sure but I had observed his interactions with others and it seemed to be a really "nice guy". Others he worked with spoke highly of him. Fast forward a few years, he confided in me that his very recently marriage had been a mistake after just a few months into it. Blew me away! A few months later he then told me that they had separated. A few months later we were in love and all that stuff, or so I thought. He then said......"I've got to go back and do the right thing". So then I was knowingly in an affair. Of course he assured me that he wouldn't stay, so in my head I rationalized it even though I felt what I was doing was against my beliefs. I thought.....short marriage, he just made a huge mistake and he won't stay so it's not so bad. A year or so later.......he had gave me all these reasons (now I know they were BS excuses) about why he couldn't leave. I couldn't take it anymore, so I did walk, but I walked away thinking someday we will get a chance to do this right. S O M E D A Y! About 3 years later, he emails me, (and no improper contact) happened in between then and later. He tells me that he and his wife have split up again. 8 months later he and I start seeing each other again, although it was a long distance relationship. I'm so happy........thinking finally we can do this the right way. What followed is a very elaborate web of lies and him leading a double life so that he could stay married and keep me also unbeknown to his wife or me, well until their D-Day. Of course after their D-day he did a small disappearing act on me, but wow what good lies he told about why. So then........he painted the story you hear here so often about how nuts his ex was and how she was trying to destroy him, blah, blah, blah. In hindsight, yes I had clues that things were not as he said they were, but yet I had no clue about the double life. It all came to a head when the BS and I finally had a talk and well the lies he had told her to keep her from talking to me were mind blowing and of course the lies he had told me about her, were all pretty much BS also. So in conclusion........I was badly fooled by a lying POS who to this day if I ran into someone on the street that thought they knew him, would not believe what he did to his wife or me. Yes.........I rationalized, lied to myself, compromised myself, lost my self respect and sunk down to a level that I will never return to again when I KNOWINGLY was in the affair. To find out that I was again in an affair situation without my knowledge or consent is a double whammy as I knew that I would not repeat THAT mistake from my past again but he took that choice away from me. BASTARD! Edited November 20, 2010 by BB07
Cobra_X Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 There are two kinds of love: altruistic love and selfish love. Altruistic love is what you hold for your children, your friends, your parents. Selfish love is what you hold for your partner. You love the person that makes you feel good. I wish my parents had divorced when I was younger. My father should have left my abusive mother and taken us with him. I agree with what your saying but I would use different terms. Conditional love is what you hold for a partner... and unconditional love is what you hold for a child. I don't think love itself can be considered selfish, since the main component of love is putting the well being of someone else above your own. Therefore... if it's selfish or self serving... I would not call it love. Although I hate my crazy abusive mother too... she was much better before the divorce. My father was just sad and lost afterwards.
jennie-jennie Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Interesting, do you think you identify with MM because you see them as being victimized by or unhappy with their wives as your father was? My MM was happily married when we first reconnected. His wife is a good woman. So no. What I identify with is falling out of love with one person and in love with another, serial monogamy. A natural part of life in my opinion.
jennie-jennie Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 That's not the same in all relationships. You are describing codependency ("I am not happy with what's going on but I'm going to put up with it") That's not codependency. Codependency is when you become obsessive about a part of your partner's life and can't accept it, try to do everything you can to change it. Your whole life circles around that part of your partner's life. If your partner for example is an alcoholic, the Twelve Step programs teach that you can choose to live with him or not. If you want to stay with your alcoholic partner, the key is to live your own life and not get caught up in his addiction. I thought you said you worked with addicts? Definition of CODEPENDENCY : a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly : dependence on the needs of or control by another
Silly_Girl Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 What makes someone get into a relationship with a person already commited to someone else? What makes them stay? If they are the WS, what makes them feel alright about it? This also extends to those who get involved with men/women that are already in marriages. I am asking for opinions from anyone, whether you have been a BS, WS, OW/OM, ect. or not. I would like to point out though, this thread is not intented to bash or put down anyone. It is just intended to inform those (like me) who are interested in what is going through the head of someone who decides to be unfaithful to their partner. Him: relationship of 12 years, ENTIRELY sexless, passionless. Deeply ingrained routines and habits within the marriage. Little or no intimacy, mutual fear/resistance of digging deeper, facing the real issues. Deeply buried lack of respect on both parts, but superficial pleasantness, friendship, tolerance, acceptance. His wife had left him for over a year, moved on with someone else; that man left and wife returned; no reconciliation work or bridge-building ensued, wife continued to see her ex-bf on an apparently platonic basis. Me: met a man who was moving out 'that month'. Fell in love. Subsequently discovered there to be a huge difference between 'disengaged from spouse/marriage' and 'separated'. Went through a lot of soul-searching and heartache. Left him for 2 months. Went back. He's since moved out (but not to my house) and his wife knows he is with me. I do not regret meeting him or that their marriage has ended. I regret that he was not honest with his wife for a long time and I felt he could have done much better.
debby Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Monogamy is unnatural and exceedingly rare in the world among all species. Not even swans are as was thought for so long. If you want a good read, check out this article http://www.trinity.edu/rnadeau/fys/barash%20on%20monogamy.htm The article has interesting points in the final bit about how all this fits into the human race, but still, the fact remains, it isn't how we are genetically engineered, and it goes against biology, instinct and evolution to be monogamous over a lifetime. So in answer to your question, yes, there are wicked people out there who actively love to try to break up relationships, but I think most people find themselves reacting to their natural biological drives, never realizing how complicated that situation can become until they find themselves caught up in it.
Silly_Girl Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 She's exactly what I'm talking about--severely emotionally disturbed. That comment makes me believe that you have serious emotional issues. In your view then, are betrayed spouses who reconcile also emotionally disturbed??
BB07 Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 She's exactly what I'm talking about--severely emotionally disturbed. And you have what professional qualifications to base your diagnosis?
NoLongerSad Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 That comment makes me believe that you have serious emotional issues. That's fine, I don't really value your opinion too highly. In your view then, are betrayed spouses who reconcile also emotionally disturbed?? Quite frequently.
NoLongerSad Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 And you have what professional qualifications to base your diagnosis? I didn't make a diagnosis, I stated an opinion. If you want a professional diagnosis then please consult your mental health professional.
threebyfate Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 What makes someone get into a relationship with a person already commited to someone else? What makes them stay? If they are the WS, what makes them feel alright about it? This also extends to those who get involved with men/women that are already in marriages. I am asking for opinions from anyone, whether you have been a BS, WS, OW/OM, ect. or not. I would like to point out though, this thread is not intented to bash or put down anyone. It is just intended to inform those (like me) who are interested in what is going through the head of someone who decides to be unfaithful to their partner.People cheat because they can. People get addicted to drugs because they can. People excessively drink because they can. All three are destructive behaviours but that doesn't seem to matter.
EnigmasMuse Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 My ex husband cheated on me once, once is all it took, before I said see ya! I wasn't going to stick aroud to see if it may or may not happen again. That's me though. I can understand people choosing to stay and work on things if their partner has cheated once, but people who stay after being cheated on multiple times, over and over again, that I do not get. So, I guess my question is what about the spouses who stay after being cheated on multiple times, are they emotionally disturbed? What is their mindset? I'm just asking, I dunno.
NoLongerSad Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 My ex husband cheated on me once, once is all it took, before I said see ya! I wasn't going to stick aroud to see if it may or may not happen again. That's me though. I can understand people choosing to stay and work on things if their partner has cheated once, but people who stay after being cheated on multiple times, over and over again, that I do not get. So, I guess my question is what about the spouses who stay after being cheated on multiple times, are they emotionally disturbed? What is their mindset? I'm just asking, I dunno. If cheating is a form of emotional abuse against the betrayed spouse, as many feel that it is; and the betrayed spouse is subjected to that abuse multiple times; might that not have the effect of creating a deep and long-lasting emotional disturbance in the betrayed spouse? It seems plausible to me that it might.
EnigmasMuse Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 If cheating is a form of emotional abuse against the betrayed spouse, as many feel that it is; and the betrayed spouse is subjected to that abuse multiple times; might that not have the effect of creating a deep and long-lasting emotional disturbance in the betrayed spouse? It seems plausible to me that it might. Thanks for your reply. In your opinon, do you think its possible there is an emotional disturbance in a person to begin with and thats why they allow someone to cheat over and over, or that the emotional disturbance comes after being cheated on many many times?
BB07 Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 I didn't make a diagnosis, I stated an opinion. If you want a professional diagnosis then please consult your mental health professional. I don't believe I want or need anything from you, including advice or direction.
NoLongerSad Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Thanks for your reply. In your opinion, do you think its possible there is an emotional disturbance in a person to begin with and thats why they allow someone to cheat over and over, or that the emotional disturbance comes after being cheated on many many times? Both are possibilities but without knowing particular circumstances it's hard to generalize. IMO however very very few cheaters are deserving of multiple chances of reconciliation so I would question the emotional health of someone who puts up with it time and again.
NoLongerSad Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 I don't believe I want or need anything from you, including advice or direction. The inappropriate "smiley face" looks suspiciously like a tattoo to me.
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