ahhh !

[myhearthurtsbadly]

Hi everyone,

 

my girlfriend and i broke up about 2 weeks ago. I detailed it in another thread. The breakup has been amicable but was initiated by her saying shes needs space from the relationship but not from me. Ever since we were no longer official she has contacted me every day like usual. On Monday she came upto see me after not having seen each other for two weeks. It was pretty incredible, a lot of sex, a lot of kissing and just enjoying each others company after 2 weeks of being apart. She told me she loved me and had forgotten how safe she feels with me, how i smelt and how soft my skin was. She said she still wanted to come to paris with me and my family in December (organised pre-break up) and asked me to come and visit her in Chamonix (she recently got a placement there which im pretty sure contributed to the breakup).

 

As i was saying she contacts me everyday and says she wants me in her life. Essentially it is like we are together but we dont see each other or make plans for the immediate future anymore. I dont know where i am whatsoever i just know we arent together. This has become increasingly hard because i dont know what she wants from me. Its hard when she tells me she is going out because i dont have that security of trust which a relationship brings anymore. I desperately want her back as my girlfriend but have not begged or pleaded whatsoever. Please can someone advise me what her intentions are or what i should do. I dont want to move on because i feel like there is a chance for us but equally this is hurting and prolonging the process if we are to stay broken up. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Many Thanks,

 

Michael

[badrobot]

I am going through something very similar right now. I just broke up with my boyfriend and he says exactly that-- he "wants me in his life", always wants to know I'm doing well and wants to know what I'm up to-- everything except not be my significant other anymore. Through this, I am thinking our former S.Os are not wanting to hurt our feelings, nor do they want to banish us from their lives forever,-- but it certainly sends mixed signals. But at the end of the day, it's just too painful to keep hanging on like this! We, on the receiving end, didn't ask to go backwards. I think you did the right thing by not begging or pleading.

 

I will speak for myself right now: Sure, there is some faint chance of reconciliation, but I am forcing myself to not commit to that hope. My current M.O. is "Don't count on it." I am trying to move on and do other things, and if they want me back, they'll figure out a way to find me. It's really hard to be in between like that.... Just keep moving on. It should be a relief (ha, yeah right) to finally worry about no one but yourself. But it is a shocker to suddenly not have to! I'd say moving on doesn't mean one has to see other people right away or anything... it's just a matter of self-preservation and maintaining one's sanity, however one chooses to go about that. If it's remembering your own plans buried deep inside from a long time ago, do that! If it's as small as reading a book you've always wanted, that's great too. If it's change-- a new haircut etc, go for it! (I don't know what it is you'd do but I'm sure there's something!)

 

Take care of yourself.

[myhearthurtsbadly]

Thanks for the reply bad robot, everything you said makes absolute sense! At the moment it just feels like she has total control, she can choose if she wants to see me or not yet i cant decide that i want to see her if you know what i mean. At the same time i dont just want to banish her from my life because i want the absolute opposite!! Ahh i just feel powerless!

[badrobot]

More than welcome, MHHB. Intellectually yeah, it makes sense...but I have a feeling we both know that some part still isn't adding up....

 

And YES, exactly-- it feels like she has control (dead on!). You ARE powerless!! (I am dealing with that right now. I say I have power within and OVER MYSELF!) You'll have to ask yourself if you would be satisfied being friends. My answer of course was "no," but maybe someday far in the future after I move on, perhaps. I am just past the stage of "he can choose to see me...I hope he will? But I don't know if I want to see him..." Yeah, there will be a breaking point where you decide you will feel happier NOT seeing the person. There will be relief when they DON'T send you messages or contact you (however minutely), then there will be no more mixed signal. Expect to not hear from them. You'll feel in control. Do your thing, keep it all to yourself, it's yours!

 

It's sad to me, because I felt like I had a lot to give, I'm sad that he didn't want it.... So give it to yourself! (Maybe? I'm not too far along in the process. I'm trying and it's reminding me that I'm my own person.)

 

It's almost like icing on the cake when you find a message like "I miss you" or "Hope you're doing well".... It's like, "Remember.... you needed space from ME, right? Well, while YOU need space, I need space!" At least I try to maintain that thought. Something went amiss and it DOES take two for that stuff to happen. You'll need the space to do your own personal work for yourself. Embrace the space. Anyway, if you MUST respond, because you don't have terribly sour feelings about SOME things or don't want to be a stone cold bastard (I myself have been fluctuating between feelings of "GIVEGIVEGIVE" and "screw you forever"), respond with an emotionally distant, but somewhat reciprocal response to "have a good day" with "Thanks, you too." You hold on to YOUR personal stuff that's going on with you... it doesn't bleed out onto her and affect her. Not to mention it's only words! Talk is cheap. I am not the phony kind but even if the words are completely empty... you were friends at one point, they just want to be your friend, now.

 

To top it off.... You can say NO next time she asks to see you! (Example following: My ex SO wanted to meet me at the gym and I said when I was going to be there. I didn't agree to a time to show up with him. I went when I wanted to and he could *show up* if he wanted to meet me. After, he asked if I would play tennis, to which I declined because I was busy. And I did it all cheerfully (fake it till you make it, man.)), IF YOU DECIDE TO SEE HER, DO IT ON YOUR TERMS.

 

Her statements (in your first post) about how much she missed you etc-- well, it sure is tempting to jump right back into it again. There's gotta be a groundbreaking talk between you two about committing again. There should be no fog. That'll happen or not happen but the time will be ripe eventually (just like realizing that YOU earlier will have a breaking point in deciding whether or not to hang on). My ex SO said very tempting things (infused with a little more self control), like, "I wish I could undo all of this, I am not sure I made the right decision, it doesn't feel right, I miss you and you're beautiful and intelligent".... God, I didn't know WHAT to make of THAT, I guess he was just on the fence, but I'm not going to wait around to see the decision. I know I wanted him, but man, it's going to take a whole new approach if the time comes, and in the process I have to regain my individuality and have space for myself!

 

Woop this got really long!

[Don Ho]

Bro, it's simple: she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She doesn't want to be with you, but she wants to USE you as a crutch and for support until she finds another guy!! Sorry to be so blunt and I know you're hoping otherwise, but that's the case. Your choice. It's going to feel like a lose, lose for you; either you have to tell her you're done and not going to keep it that way OR you have to go along with the program and be a doormat. Nice choice she's given you, huh? I'm telling you she's done. If it were me, as much as it hurt and I didn't want to, I would be done with her. Good luck!