ronsbigadventure Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 Need advice. I've been married 10 years, 11 next week. We have 3 children all girls. My wife let me know last week after I finally pulled it out of her that her feeling for me have changed over the years. She said she doesn't have the spark or weak in the knees feeling we once had. She also said she love's me very much just not the same as it was and we're more like best friends or roomates than husban and wife. We have had a lot going on in the last 5 years. She started back to school, then nursing school which for 3 year and solid for 2 years was not home a lot and when she was she was studying which was difficutl taking care of 2 kids at the time and not having your spouse but we got through it. Once she graduated she had problems getting her liscense to work as an RN which put extra stress on things, not much longer after that my father passed away suddenlty and 3 weeks later our 3rd child was born. She also until recently just got a job she likdes after 1 year of working ot get her liscense and working a job she absoltly hated. Finally she has said she would go to counseling with me and give this one last shot. She said there are a milion reason to have it work but just can't live and not be truly in love. Seems to me she's putting to much thought into almost puppy dog or movie love and not the mature love we've built over years of trials and tribulations, kids and all other types of things. I have for the past few years still been dealing with my fathers death though not really anymore and had some medical things that took me out of being emotionally there for almost 9 months. Either way I want to work it out and know I need to cherish her more than I have. Wondering if anybody had been here or seen somebody in this type of circumstane and still work it out to continue on. Can she learn to love me the way she's lookign for?
HopelessinDTW Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 Need advice. I've been married 10 years, 11 next week. We have 3 children all girls. My wife let me know last week after I finally pulled it out of her that her feeling for me have changed over the years. She said she doesn't have the spark or weak in the knees feeling we once had. She also said she love's me very much just not the same as it was and we're more like best friends or roomates than husban and wife. We have had a lot going on in the last 5 years. She started back to school, then nursing school which for 3 year and solid for 2 years was not home a lot and when she was she was studying which was difficutl taking care of 2 kids at the time and not having your spouse but we got through it. Once she graduated she had problems getting her liscense to work as an RN which put extra stress on things, not much longer after that my father passed away suddenlty and 3 weeks later our 3rd child was born. She also until recently just got a job she likdes after 1 year of working ot get her liscense and working a job she absoltly hated. Finally she has said she would go to counseling with me and give this one last shot. She said there are a milion reason to have it work but just can't live and not be truly in love. Seems to me she's putting to much thought into almost puppy dog or movie love and not the mature love we've built over years of trials and tribulations, kids and all other types of things. I have for the past few years still been dealing with my fathers death though not really anymore and had some medical things that took me out of being emotionally there for almost 9 months. Either way I want to work it out and know I need to cherish her more than I have. Wondering if anybody had been here or seen somebody in this type of circumstane and still work it out to continue on. Can she learn to love me the way she's lookign for? Ron: Your story is cookie-cutter. Read through the posts here and you'll see the same type of thing. One good thing you have going for you is that she's willing to go with you to counseling...which may mean there isn't an other man involved. But, as many here will tell you when you here "I love you, but not in love with you"...it usually/typically means there is another man in the picture. What you need to do is let her go...yes do not push her to come around. She needs to get through this in her own time. Keep things respectful, and concentrate on the kids' and your needs. In my case, the stress of many things that happened after we had kids caused both of us to drift away. We didn't communicate well, and at the end she had an affair. No chance for reconcillation. So you are in a better shape than most. Going to conseling will be very helpful, and it will require both of you to completely commit to one another to get your marriage back to health. Otherwise, it will come to an end. Like your name suggests this will be an adventure...but not fun at all. Get ready for the roller-coaster ride of your life.
What_Next Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 I am not going to sugar coat this, I think most likely there is an active affair or someone she is focusing on. It might not yet be physical but it will be. This is NOT what you want to hear and your first reaction is going to be to tell me I am nuts. Not "your" wife etc etc. I know this all firsthand! Why? Because I was EXACTLY where you were only a few months ago. This new job is likely where she met him. Dig, deep and fast. Do it quietly.
Author ronsbigadventure Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 Yeah...she's had a good "friend" since nursing school. They are just friends and she doesn't have any feelings for him, and I've let her know that the amount of time they talk and text bothers me but she insist nothing has or will ever happen. To top it off his wife is just crazy and his marriage is worse off than mine. So yeah. If it's not happening now I have very strong feeling it will if we split. She of course say's no. We talk very well together and genarally listen. So I really feel she doesn't have feelings for him other than friends but he's a guy with a crazy and sorry to say ugly wife. She say's no but his intentions are more than just being friends and I wonder if his attention he gives her, and me over the past few year not giving her the attention she needs has really been the killer. Does anybody think a married man and woman can be best friends?
BB07 Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 Does anybody think a married man and woman can be best friends? They can be...........but they shouldn't be........right?
Gunny376 Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 (edited) I am not going to sugar coat this, I think most likely there is an active affair or someone she is focusing on. It might not yet be physical but it will be. This is NOT what you want to hear and your first reaction is going to be to tell me I am nuts. Not "your" wife etc etc. I know this all firsthand! Why? Because I was EXACTLY where you were only a few months ago. This new job is likely where she met him. Dig, deep and fast. Do it quietly. Most people, but more so women than rarely jump from one tree to another without having another to land in ~ that is to say that more than likely? There's someone else ~ and more likely than not? Its a co-worker. That's where most women that have affairs meet their lovers? And don't be surprised if he's on a lower social - economic scale than she or you are? Even the freaking janitor. For some reason I've yet to phantom after over twenty years of studying the subject of such ~ women tend to trade down in and with their affair partners? Why as I said I don't know. Granted you had you hand in the failure of the marriage ~ and the marriage that you had has failed. Did, done and over with. Now all you and she has to do is figure out if its worth putting back together again ~ and kid yourself not you and she are going to have to 're-invent' yourself, your relationship, and a new marriage. And its going to take more than marriage counseling to do so! You've and she both have got to quit being fools and get your happy azz back into school. You've got to go back and learn the "fundamentals" of how to make a relationship let alone a marriage work. Something that very few school systems and church's teach. You're going to have to 'de-program" your societal, cultural, and religious programing and "discover" what works for her, yourself, your marriage and your relationship. I would suggest that you start by reading a book called, "Light Her Fire!" and having her read a book (But don't you read it) called "Light His Fire" If you can tote the note, you might want to get the CD version of it (It costs about $99) After you read the book, another book that I would recommend would be "How Can We Light A Fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy" It sounds to me that you and she fell into the same trap that I did ~ Living to work instead of working to live + the current economic hard times + the "Storms of Life" rolling and and over you. (BTW RN's have one of the highest divorce rates per profession of any profession ~ I know this because after retiring from the Marines I worked in University Records ~ Registrars office and almost daily was burning off transcripts for legal divorce subpoenas ~ so much so that nursing records and transcripts were kept seperate from the rest of the student body's records) For now you need to "damage control" and prepare yourself for divorce, and for getting custody of your beloved daughters. Take a Fool's advice! Of course you won't because your caught up in the fog, lost, dazed and confused, screaming and shouting, running around in circles with your hands up in the air? And six to nine months from now ~ if not a year you'll be back here telling me? Damn Gunny you were RIGHT! And you know why that is? Because I'm OLD and you don't GET OLD being a FOOL! YOU DON'T SEE ANY OLD FOOLS RUNNING AROUND NOW DO YA! tHAT;S BECAUSE THEY DIED OFF LONG BEFORE I BECAME OLD! LOL! Edited November 19, 2010 by Gunny376
Author ronsbigadventure Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 Thanks for the advice and insight. I'm willing to do all I can to work through this. The love but not in that way stuff really just seam to much like stuff you dealt with in High School. Either way though does anybody think her view of love is accurate or do you think you can have those type of spark & weak in the knees from time to time but it's the conection and enjoying each other that's real love? Just hope she can get back what ever it is she looking for.
hopesndreams Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 Thanks for the advice and insight. I'm willing to do all I can to work through this. The love but not in that way stuff really just seam to much like stuff you dealt with in High School. Either way though does anybody think her view of love is accurate or do you think you can have those type of spark & weak in the knees from time to time but it's the conection and enjoying each other that's real love? Just hope she can get back what ever it is she looking for. Looks like she thinks she already has. Only it's not with you. It's called GIGS. Grass is Greener Syndrome. You got the ILYBNILWY. It's the kiss of death. Sorry. Even though you don't have proof of an OM, all those reading your post, can see one. You need to investigate. Find out who the interloper is in your marriage. I place my bets on the married guy.
chuzzbug Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 I'm sorry, but I can't stand the kinds of responses as in this thread. Just because a woman says she has fallen out of love with someone, does not actually means she's in love with someone else, considering someone else, or even wanting to be with someone else. The OP's story is a personal one - specific to him. Just because there are generalizations that can be formed by integrating across 1000s of stories, doesn't mean that the knee-jerk reaction should be spewing that generalization back. Real lives and circumstances have nuance and although the symptoms may look similar, different people have different reasons for them. Your wife may feel the spark gone, may feel very sad about it, and may wish to find it back. If you have had a relationship based on respect and mutual admiration, and one in which support and caring continues, it is very unlikely that she's going to run into the arms of someone else just because her feelings for you have changed. Decent and kind people, in this case, end the relationship they're in, mourn its loss, and move on (to perhaps start another relationship). I don't know what it is about men here that makes them assume that every woman is neither decent nor caring for her partner. I guess they've been burned too many times and are bitter and angry.
silic0ntoad Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Just because a woman says she has fallen out of love with someone, does not actually means she's in love with someone else, considering someone else, or even wanting to be with someone else. I don't know what it is about men here that makes them assume that every woman is neither decent nor caring for her partner. I guess they've been burned too many times and are bitter and angry. First, yes, it does. Look at the threads here. Almost every single instance a woman has said ILYBNILWY there has been OM somewhere in the shadows. Do research. You'll see. Second, no man here has said that. Almost every guy here has been burned of course, but we all know not all women are cheating lying user scumbags. But it seems, alot of our GF's STBXW's and XW's are.
whammy Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I think there is someone else....this story has been told a million times and its always the same. You want my opinion on how to make it work...live as if you dont care if it works. Im serious...it might sound dumb, but back off. Move out...make it seem as if your almost relieved that she might want out. Move out, hit the gym, buy some new clothes, go out, meets some girls, go on dates. And contact her as little as possible and keep the conversations short....DO NOT TALK ABOUT FEELINGS EVER! be nice to her but be a fake, nonchalant kind of nice. make the majority of the interaction about kids. examples: "yeh sure, ill pick the kids up from school. dont worry about making them dinner...ill take them out and have them back by 6, talk to your later" then hang up. "oh you need to borrow my truck to pick a dresser up from your sisters house? ok no problem, ill drop it off tomorrow morning. no dont worry i dont need a ride, i just take a cab to work." then hang up there are two possible outcomes from living like this...both positive. first. it almost ALWAYS attracts the woman to come back. and 2...if not then you have been doing a great job of the "fake it til you make it" routine and you will probably find out that you are just fine without her.
sirweasles Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Ok first I want to say im in a very similar situation and do not believe there is an OM my mistakes have been being to pushy and overbearing men want to fix things now weman tend to want to anilize and mostly talk about things. My suggestion would be to butt out dont do anything rash like accussing her of anything and dont snoop through her stuff let me tell you women are not like men some of the things they say to others really has no meaning that you will understand and can make you come to conclusions that are way out in left field. Be supportive take her out to do fun stuff anything you can do to get her laughing all the time and just generally haveing a good time. If she sees that life with you is fun and can always be fun she will mostlikely stick around to see the outcome. do spontanius stuff to suprise her not to extravigent at first and very often but you have to win her interest back to fully win her heart back. trust me I went about it the way most here are suggesting and am now very close to loosing my wife for good you have to show here that you are what she wants and nobody wants a jailus overbearing snooping spouse.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Yeah man, you need to be suspicious, but dont show her you are. If she wants puppy love, you better give it to her. Treat her as if you two are first dating. She needed attention during your marriage and you took her for granted and didnt romance her. You gotta romance her now, be spontaneous and be prepared for it not to work. She might have just fallen out of love with you, she could have someon else that shes looking at, and now that you have a chance, you have to assume you have to win her back from the other guy. Dont kiss her ass, show her you dont need her, but you are fun to be around, make her come to you because youre amazing, not because you need her. You have to start from zero, as if you guys just started dating again.
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